Seth coughed. That foul Authoress had highjacked them on the way to the World of Pirates. All of them were there, including his brother.
The duo-colored Sakura bounced up to them, her naturally dark brown hair and lighter red held up in a messy bun. She wore metal framed glasses that had seen better days, and in her hand was a bag that seemed to be spilling over with books, namely fantasy and manga.
"Hello fans and readers, and welcome to the opening of the next story: Prince of Thieves 2: Rise of the New King. In this story you will finally see Seth paired up with someone, possibly more than one. Seth is finally going to step up as the leader of his merry band of thieves, and you know that canon plots will be shredded beyond redemption by the time we're done!"
"Hey hag, why did you highjack us on our way there if you're the only one allowed to talk?" shouted Seth.
Sakura twitched. She snapped her fingers and several wash pans crashed on his head.
"Never underestimate the power of the classic gags. And I had to get this story started somehow, because the damn plot bunnies are on strike...again. And one more comment about me being too old to love anime is heard, I will drop you in the most plot-hole ridden anime of all time, where only the ones who can make the biggest man screams and have the biggest pecks survive."
"You don't mean..."
"Yep. Keep it up Seth and your group will be abruptly thrown into the world of Dragon Ball Z or worse, I will thrown you into the worse show I can think of... Gundam SD."
Ryou cocked his head.
"Wasn't that the Gundam series were the robots were chibified and could talk? And their enemies were even dumber than Team Rocket from Pokémon?"
"Yes. And I only got it for boredom's sake. Now do you want to be in a show that boring?"
"I'll be good... You boring old hag!" he shouted.
"What...did...you...call...me?" she said with grit teeth.
"I called you a hag! So what?" said Seth.
"Oh no, that wasn't the insult I heard. WHO THE HELL DO YOU CALL BORING?! I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR THIS AFFRONT!" she all but roared.
"Uh, why did you take offense to being called boring?" asked Yugi.
"No one calls me boring and gets away with it! I can live with comments on my weight or my age, but being called boring is something I won't tolerate!" she snarled. Seth rose in the air...and with a pop he was turned female.
"OI! GIVE MY BITS BACK!"
"Suffer as a female...until you reach Alabasta, you shall be a girl!" she growled.
Bakura was howling next to Marik and Malik.
Sakura turned back to the screen.
"And now, please enjoy this story!" she said, eyebrow twitching. She hated the word boring.
Seth and the others woke up in a small port town in the East Blue. It almost looked like the place where Luffy set sail.
"That bitch... What the... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY VOICE?!" yelled Seth. Looking down in horror, he...she realized that her bits were gone but she had gained two new bags of flesh on her chest. Her normal clothes were tight enough to bring some rather perverted attention to her. Bakura was still cackling like a hyena.
"You screwed up this time Seth! You pissed off the one who controls our fates! Even Bast and Horus knew better than to piss her off!"
"They don't have to piss her off. They're actual gods,"said Ryou.
"Good point. You just annoyed the woman who can control our moves."
"SHE MADE ME INTO A FUCKING GIRL! HOW IS THAT ACCEPTABLE!?"
'Deal with it moron. I'd probably lose count of how many femHarry stories there are on this site alone, not to mention the ones I've made. Besides, this is only temporary until it ceases to amuse me.'
The voice sounded like it came from all around them.
'FOR YOUR INFORMATION I JUST TURNED 25 YOU ASSHOLE. FOR THAT AFFRONT YOU SHALL SUFFER A HELL ONLY WOMEN GO THROUGH ONCE A MONTH. HAVE FUN...'
"SON OF A..."
Ryou sighed. It was clear what was going to happen now... Seth would continue to piss off the author and get them into more hot water than they already are. So he did the only thing he could.
He knocked out Seth and started to direct the others, since Bakura wasn't going to be any help unless there was a fight.
"Right. Bakura carry our idiot leader. Malik, you and Marik scout ahead. Yugi and Luna will keep an eye out behind us in case of attack. If we run into anyone, let me do the talking," said Ryou.
As the only person who could be trusted to lie to people in the face (Bakura was far too crude and would put people on the defensive against lying, whereas Ryou looked like an innocent who couldn't lie to someone in the face) he was the unofficial leader until Seth calmed down enough not to piss of the author simply by speaking.
Though they were going to have to figure out a name until he went back to normal...
"So you folk just arrived here?" said the Mayor.
"Yes, I'm afraid a recent storm blew us in. Do you know where we could purchase a decent sized ship?" said Ryou.
"Yes, that storm was a bit of a doozy. How many were on your crew before?"
"Fortunately we all made it intact. I suppose it's lucky none of us had any devil fruit powers or we would have sank like stones," said Ryou, glad that One Piece was one of the many manga he had read.
The Mayor shivered.
"Devil Fruits powers are terrifying! I don't mind those brave enough to eat them, but far too many are used for the wrong purposes."
Ryou didn't say a word about that. He knew one person who had a lot of power, but he had rarely used it for good unless it did something to benefit him.
"So about that ship?"
"Unfortunately all our ships are currently owned for fishing purposes. And your crew is a bit too big for most."
"We can pay for it if that helps..." said Ryou.
The Mayor shook his head.
"I'm afraid the lord of the island wouldn't sell his boat. He likes to sail on it to prove he's better than everyone, so he won't get rid of it."
"Ugh...who the hell hit me?" said Seth.
"That would be me. It was either that, or let Sakura do something even worse to us."
"Another word and I'll knock you out again. Keep it in your head please," said Ryou without looking behind him.
Seth grumbled but nothing was audible this time.
"Well, if we cannot purchase a boat then is there anywhere we can stay the night? We don't mind sharing rooms."
"Now that we can do."
"So... What's our next move Seth?" said Yugi.
"Our next move is to regroup and prepare to visit the Baratie. After I make a boat for us to use anyway."
"What kind of boat?" asked Bakura.
"Clay boat. So long as I make it thin enough and bake it, we can sail on it. A pity we can't simply buy one, but it would be better to visit the East Blue a bit before we hit the Grand Line where we can have one made personally," said Seth.
"And where exactly are we going to get a boat?" asked Bakura.
"Water Seven. Full of carpenters and ship wrights. A bit expensive but quality work," said Seth.
"Where exactly are we though?" asked Yugi.
"No idea. Could be any of the Blues, but it's not the Calm Belt," said Seth.
"You're in the North Blue," said the bartender.
"Thanks. Say, you know where I can get a copy of Noland the Liar?"
"Bookstore, third building to the left of the bank," said the bartender.
"Gotcha. Gotta convert a few coins anyway."
Seth left and an hour later returned with several bags and a bunch of new books.
"Right. Here's a bag for each of you. The conversion rate is three gold coins to three thousand Belli. The coppers are worth 750 Belli and the silver are worth 900 Belli. Luckily I have a ton of copper coins to get rid of," said Seth.
"Tell me about it. Those things are a pain to convert and get any decent cash, unless you hit black market," said Bakura.
Seth had a habit of selling the copper coins first, then the silver, and finally the gold to collectors. As a result he had more money in his private account than the one he inherited from his parents in England.
With the money situation taken care of, Seth turned to his group.
"Now, since we plan to get a ship, we need to figure out who does what on it."
"You're captain," said Ryou, Marik and Yugi.
"Alright. Bakura, you'll be my second-in-command on the ship, however on land Ryou will take point since he clearly knows how to bullshit his way out of trouble. Yugi, how good are you at Navigating?" asked Seth.
"Decent enough, I suppose. My strong point was always lookout though. I think I would make a better sniper than navigator," said Yugi.
"I can navigate. I had the best scores in Astronomy class and I'm really good at reading the weather," said Luna suddenly.
"Luna, you're navigator then," said Seth.
"I'm a good at killing things, but not much else. Too bad we aren't riding motorcycles..." said Marik.
"Yes, but I plan to get a ship with a motor on it. Think you can handle the engines?" said Seth.
"Sure. I did the tuning of my bike," said Marik.
"Now, we need a carpenter, a doctor, and a log pose. I can pick up the log pose easily enough, but the other two are going to be a pain," said Seth.
"What are log poses?" asked Bakura.
"According to canon, log poses are what people use to tell when an island is near enough to them. They have to set at each island, but they keep people from being too lost on the oceans."
"That reminds me...don't these ships have cannons?" asked Ryou.
"We'll flip a coin to see who gets to play with the cannons first," said Seth immediately.
"This is our boat?" said Bakura critically. It looked like something you would drag out of a history book.
"I'm better at making animals than boats. Deal with it," said Seth flatly.
"Do we have all the supplies?" asked Ryou.
"I got everything we need," said Yugi.
"In that case, off to the Baratie! And then Water Seven to get a real boat!" said Seth. He wasn't changing his name just because he had been turned into a girl for pissing off the wrong person.
They were roughly a few days out when the first problem struck. Namely the fact that the boat hadn't been fired in a kiln, which meant that it was slowly losing integrity every hour on the hour. It wasn't long before they were shoveling water out of the makeshift boat.
Bakura was cussing up a storm, Yugi was swearing more creatively than they had known he could, and the Ishtar twins were trying not to strangle Seth for not thinking this through.
"Dammit, we aren't going to make it to Baratie at this rate! We need to get a real boat!" shouted Bakura.
"We don't have a real... FUCK!" swore Seth.
"What?" came the reply.
Seth looked at Bakura with a deadpan expression.
"His fifth birthday. Remember that heist?"
It took Bakura exactly five point six seconds before he started swearing so strongly it would give an old lady a heart attack if she heard it.
"Who's fifth birthday?" asked Yugi crossly.
"Take a wild guess," said Seth dryly.
"Wait, you mean we have a real boat?"
"It's rather shallow, and isn't actually meant for open sea, but it will work in a pinch. The only real issue is the sail, because it may have dried out after all this years. We might have to replace it," said Seth.
"Can you get it out now?" demanded Marik crossly.
"Vailo! Bring out that damn boat we hijacked!"
His Ka came out with an odd expression. If Seth had to guess, it was 'Why didn't you call me sooner?'.
With a great splash, a shallow boat appeared next to them, capsizing the boat. Like Seth had feared, the sail was next to useless. One good wind would rip it to shreds.
It would be infinitely cheaper just to row to the first island and get a new one.
"Back again?" asked the Mayor with a grin. He had seen their boat and thought they would be back hours ago.
"Yes. Where can we get a sail?" asked Seth.
The Mayor as still smirking as he pointed in the direction of the nearest store that sold boating equipment. Seth, still swearing, buys the best sail he can find and all the equipment they would need. Including an odd pump that would have come in handy hours ago.
"Did you save the food?" asked Seth.
Yugi nodded. He had thrown most of the food into his own Shadow Room the second he saw the first layer of water. He had tossed everything else in there once he realized that there wasn't a chance the boat would stay afloat.
Though the clothes would need to be washed again.
Once they had the new sail in place (Seth was a very good eye at measurements, to the amusement of Bakura) they tried again.
This time they made it to the next island. Even if they had to learn some new skills along the way.
Among those was how to turn water into floating stages, as they were attacked by pirates five times.
Needless to say those fools didn't last long between Bakura, Seth, Yugi and Malik.
Yugi proved to be a very good sniper.
And because Seth knew the importance of a pirate flag, he would sneak onto the ship and steal it.
Naturally this upset the pirates greatly...and they attempted to retrieve these flags.
Only three got their flags back, and that was because they had some common sense.
Seth was, above all, a thief. So if presented with an appropriate price, he would hand over the item. Those three groups paid Seth for their flag.
Among that treasure was an item Seth needed before they even tried to make it to the sea that the Baratie operated on.
An entire pound of Sea Stones. A jewel which allowed Marines to travel the Calm Belt unharmed by the giant monsters that inhabited that area.
As interesting as Sea Kings were, they didn't have the kitchen space to cook one up.
About three weeks into the Calm Belt, they ran into a problem.
Namely the fact that none of them knew a single cleaning charm, let alone knew how to do the laundry without modern appliances.
Luna, the lone female of the group, had never bothered to learn them. Seth and Bakura were too busy learning how to improve their trade to learn how to clean clothes the old fashioned way...and the few times they did they had Peri do it in exchange for minding her herb shop.
As such, they now had several pounds of laundry that stank to high heaven and no way to get them clean.
"I vote dump it over the boat and steal some new ones. Not like we can't conjure up something," said Seth flatly.
"Why don't you just clean them Seth? Isn't it a woman's job to do chores?" asked Marik sneering.
Seth didn't answer right away, merely walked over to Marik, grabbed him (protesting and swearing the entire time, because he was dragging him by the hair) and proceeded to hold him under. If they were a group of normal people they might have stopped him or tried to rescue Marik.
Instead they cheered Seth on, because frankly the idiot had been pissing them off for over a day now. Finally he brought the idiot up before the bubbles ran out.
Seth smirked, and held up a single object, roughly five feet in length and pitch black in color. Marik paled.
"Do we need to have a 'talk' with Mr. Shadow?"
"...You finally gave it a name?" said Yugi.
"Why not? As often as I have to use it on these idiots?" said Seth.
"Now as punishment for your sexist comment, I'm kicking your ass back to our house and having you do every load of laundry. In the meantime you'll be the one to find that damn book of cleaning charms so we don't have this problem again. Are we clear?" said Seth firmly.
"No fucking way. I don't care if you brain me senseless, I ain't doing that much laundry!"
"There is only one option. Yugi, Bakura, Malik...tie his ass up. And don't be gentle about it."
"Wait, what?" said Marik.
Five minutes later a thoroughly hogtied Marik was cussing out Seth.
"What the hell are you doing?" demanded the pissed off Marik.
"Oh nothing...just dropping you off at a fan girl convention in exchange for monetary gain. I'll be leaving Hiita with you so when you are ready to do the laundry, she can take you straight to the house," said Seth flatly.
"No! Not that! Anything but that!" screamed Marik.
"You have two options. Horny Fan Girls or Laundry. The choice is yours," said Seth grinning.
"LAUNDRY! LAUNDRY!" screamed Marik.
"I thought you would see my way," cackled Seth.