Mako's Message: Here are again my friends. One of these was a request from a long time ago that I completely forgot about until I was reading through the reviews the other day. So, sorry it's so late, but hope you like it.
Also, don't worry to much about what universe these take place in. One of them could take place in pretty much any universe, two others are obviously working with a PC-base, and another two could be any non-post-Kick-Ass 2 universe. So, just enjoy the ride, yeah?
In a dark room, Mindy suddenly awoke and sat bolt upright, her hair a complete mess. She looked around the room in confusion, not seeing much in the darkness, and then reached out to the sleeping form next to her, "Dave? Dave!"
"Hm wah?" he said, slightly lifting his head off the pillow.
Mindy leaned over him, "Did we fight a monster made of cheese?"
Dave lay there, silently blinking in the darkness for a moment, "No. No we didn't."
Mindy sighed, "Oh, okay. Good," then started to lay down.
But she sat up and shook Dave again, "So, we still have crackers then?"
"Wha?" Dave's half functioning brain tried to dredge up the information, "Yes. We still have crackers."
"Okay." She almost lay down this time before she said, "Dave?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
#27 - Creatures of The Night
Late one night, a van pulled into an alley.
Illuminated by one lamp hanging over a door, it pulled to a stop. The driver got out and knocked on the door. It opened moments later and another man came out. The two opened the van, and a third man started passing televisions out to them.
They each had made two trips before there was an abruptly cut off scream accompanied by a thud and the sound of a breaking television. The other two men turned, but before either saw anything, one was grabbed and thrown against a wall, which took the third man's attention.
He saw Hit Girl, walking over to the man she'd thrown against the wall, then turned to see Kick-Ass lifting up the barely conscious form of the their other compatriot by his shirt and holding him off the ground. He backed up against the van, "I surrender, I surrender! I'll go to jail quietly, just don't hurt me!"
Hit Girl smirked at him and her teeth seemed very sharp for some reason. It made him feel even worse. "Who said anything about Jail?"
Panic set in fully then and he turned to look at Kick-Ass, who just smiled at him, opened a definitely very fangy mouth and clamped down on his friends neck. He turned to see Hit Girl doing the same.
He didn't scream. He just ran. Ran faster than he ever ran before. Faster than he'd ever seen anyone run.
He didn't make it.
#28 - Do Another Crossover!
Dave stood in his room, looking over his new friend's shoulder as they searched through the hundreds of thousands of articles and images brought up by searching, "Spider-Man" and "Peter Parker"
"This is insane."
"I know right?"
"I'm having a hard time believing this. I mean, me, I am having a hard time believing this."
"Honestly? I'm not surprised by that in the slightest."
"Oh wow. This one is actually really cool. I think it's my favorite. I'm gonna have to print this one out."
Dave laughed as his friend hit "Print" and went over to the machine. "Hey, I'd do the sa-" he blinked as his friend disappeared and a knife appeared in the wall behind where he'd been standing.
"Holy shit! It really is him!"
He looked over to where his best friend, Mindy Maccready stood, a look of utter shock and delight on her face, staring up at the ceiling, where Dave's new friend was clinging. "That wasn't cool!"
Dave chuckled and shook his head, "Peter Parker, this is Mindy, my best friend and partner. Mindy, meet Peter Parker, The Amazing Spider-Man."
#29 – Jealousy
This is stupid. Really. Get a hold of yourself man! There is absolutely no reason for you to care. You've been WANTING something like this to happen.
So what if she's swooning over another guy? It's not like you had any plans on dating her anyway. It's healthy for her to be interested in guys. This is good. HEALTHY. And she'll still be your best friend and partner in crime-fighting even if she starts dating a boy her own age. Which she really should. It'd be good for her to have a normal relationship with a boy.
Not that she has any chance with this guy.
Well, okay, if he knew who she was, he might be interested. At least in getting to know her. Maybe a little star struck. But, come on, she's 13. He'd never go for her like that.
Not that there aren't a few hundred people who have openly admitted...okay, openly admitted ONLINE that they wish they could date Hit Girl. Or just have sex with her. But I doubt many of them think she's ACTUALLY as young as she is. Well, I'm sure a few do. But they'd never have a chance. She'd gut them and hang them up by their tunk.
Doubt she'd do that to this guy though. The only person I've seen her look at like that is me.
With a sigh, she looks up at me from the magazine she's been reading and giggling over with Angela, "I'm sorry Dave, but if Chris Hemsworth wanted me I'd leave you in a second."
Angela thinks this is hilarious. Just smile and nod, "Sure."
Note to self: Kill Chris Hemsworth.
#30 - Manlier Than Men
"Hey guys. What're you watching?"
"Oh, hey, Mindy, Riley. Todd found this guy on YouTube who does extreme eating challenges. He's hilarious!"
"Yeah. I swear, every video he does he says, 'This is the stupidest thing I've ever done.'"
"Heh. At least he always manages to top himself."
"What's he doing this time?"
"A bag of live crickets in thirty seconds."
"Oh gross! Move over."
"Aww! The last one got away! He was so close."
"Let's watch another."
"Oh my god he really bit into that! Spines an all?!"
"Oh god, that even makes ME cringe."
"What's so bad about eating gummy bears?"
"I think I'm scarred for life."
"Is it even possible to eat the entire menu at Taco Bell?"
"Well, he's gonna try."
"Ya know, I'm sure there's a good reason for it, but isn't all the water he's drinking just taking up space in his stomach?"
"I don't think he'd have even gotten this far if he didn't have something to wash it down with."
"Dear god. I would not want to live within three blocks of this guy after that."
"I have a feeling his neighborhood is going to be devoid of nonhuman life for a few days after this."
"'The kinda farts that'll eat the stitching out of Levi's'"
"Here, this one has him competing against the top ranked female competitive eater in the world."
"Oh this I've gotta see."
"I think I'm gonna gag just looking at that line up."
"Aw, look! She's taking pity on him!"
"Nah. She's just stalling. I doubt she wants to do the next one any sooner than she has to."
"Wow. Did either of them manage to finish the cinnamon?"
"I don't think so. They both ended up coughing up too much of it for it to count."
As the latest video ended, Mindy stood up from her chair, "Ya know? I'm gonna try that."
Todd turned around, "Are you serious?"
"Yeah Mindy," Dave added, "Did you miss the 'do not try this at home, I'm a professional' at the beginning of each video?"
"Oh stop being such a little bitch," she said and started searching through the kitchen. "Which one of you pansies wants to race me?"
"Oh hell no."
"I haven't even picked the food yet!"
"I am not trying to eat ANYTHING like that guy did."
"Yeah, I like my stomach the size it is right now, thank you very much."
"I'll do it."
The entire room went quiet as they all looked at Riley.
"Are you serious?" Dave asked.
"Yeah, sure, why not? It'll be fun. Besides, it's not like she's gonna have us eating a carton of raw eggs or anything." she paused then looked at Mindy, "Are you?"
Mindy gave her a flat look, "I'm not THAT crazy." She stuck her head back in the fridge, "I'm thinking hard boiled."
"So you two are serious about this?"
"Ugh. Thanks Riley," Dave said, "Now, instead of feeling like I've got common sense I feel like I've got a pussy."
"Aw, Dave," she and gave him a pat on the shoulder, "If you had a pussy you'd be doing the challenge."
"Ha!" Mindy laughed from the pantry. Then came over and said, "Don't worry, I'm glad you don't have a pussy," and tried to grope his tunk."
"Hey hands off!"
"Well, I think we should choose your food then," Todd said.
"To be fair. If we choose it then neither of you have an edge over the other."
"Yeah, and it should be a gauntlet. A bunch of different foods in case one of you has a way easier time with one of them than the other."
Mindy looked at Riley, "I dunno. What do you think?"
Riley thought about it, "I think they actually have a point. If we chose, we'd always try to choose something we'd have an advantage over the other in."
"Damnit. Okay, fine. Go ahead, pick our gauntlet."
"Awesome! Alright guys, lets go get the girls a challenge."
Riley and Mindy watched as the three guys ran out of the apartment, "Shit."
An hour later they'd returned with the food and had it set out in front of the girls.
"You're trying to make us regret this aren't you?" Mindy asked, looking up from the table.
"Nope. You're the one's who wanted to try an extreme eating challenge."
"Yeah, we're just making sure you've got the authentic experience."
"C'mon. It's not like we're making you eat a whole lemon or down a bottle of nutmeg."
"It's not like we're MAKING you do anything."
Riley narrowed her eyes at them, "I hate all of you."
"Sure you do. So! Ready for me to start the timer?"
"Wait! What are the rules?"
"First to finish or whoever eats the most within a half hour wins."
"Do we have to eat it in a specific order?"
"Yup. From right to left. Except for the juice, you can drink that at any time with anything."
Mindy eyed the twenty ounce bottle suspiciously, "What kind of juice did you say this was?"
"What kind is it?"
"No one but yourselves are making you do this."
"So what's the rest of this?"
"Two hardboiled eggs without shell, one grapefruit with peel, twelve piece chicken wings, king size bag of M&Ms, and a hot pepper."
Riley let out a breath, "Alright. You ready to go Mindy?"
"Yeah, start the timer."
Dave held up a stopwatch, said, "Go!" and hit the button.
The girls dove in. The eggs disappeared quickly and easily. A nice warm up. They both paused for a second at the grapefruit, "We have to eat the whole thing, right?"
"Peel, rind, seeds, all of it. Yeah."
The two girls chomped into the fruit and strained their jaws chewing the peal.
"Haha! My bite was twice the size of yours, I've got this in the bag."
"No wonder you're so good at swallowing cock."
The grapefruit took them both a while. The peel proved itself a greater challenge than either had expected. Mindy tried some of the lemon juice, but quickly put it back with a "blegh".
Riley was the first to start on the chicken wings. After the first bite she recoiled, "Augh! What IS this?!"
"Salt and vinegar chicken wings."
Riley drank most of her lemon juice with the wings. Mindy tolerated them fairly well though.
When she reached the M&Ms she paused, "I'm not feeling so good."
"It was only a matter of time. Not gonna give up though, are you?"
"I never give up," and she tore the bag open, poured a handful out, tossed them into her mouth and started chewing"
Riley hit the candy next, though she took a smaller handful and after they were in her mouth, she took a swig from her juice, swallowing them whole. She did this three times before Mindy noticed. Or swallowed her first mouthful.
"You cheating bitch!" she yelled after swallowing.
Mindy tried to imitate the stunt, but took too big a mouthful and gagged.
Riley paused to smirk at her and got a glare in return, then tossed another another handful into her mouth and winked at her before swallowing them whole. That finished off her juice though, and she had to chew the last third of her bag.
She hesitated at the pepper. She wasn't a fan of super spicy foods. She was going to need every second of her lead to beat Mindy, but it still took her a moment to work up the courage to bite into the pepper.
She almost immediately regretted it. "AAAAaaaaaaHHHHAAHAAHHHhhhaaaAAAAAAAAhhh!" She was almost in tears by the time she managed to speak, "What WAS that?!"
Todd shrugged, "I dunno. I just asked the guy at the import store for two of the hottest peppers he had. Made me sign a release form."
Mindy paused in the middle of taking her first bite of the pepper and shot Todd a look that was somehow a mix of fear, hate, and pride, "You're evil." Then chomped the pepper down in three huge bites."
Seconds later, Dave understood where those old cartoonists had gotten the idea for steam shooting out of peoples ears, or their heads bursting into flames.
Mindy didn't scream, but it looked like she wanted to. She hammered at the table hard enough that Dave was surprised it was still standing.
Riley, who had taken her second bite, was rocking back and forth in her chair and banging her head on the table.
A minute later Riley looked up to see Mindy staring glassy eyed at the wall.
Riley grabbed the last of her pepper and finished it with two more bites and then started bouncing up and down in her chair, whimpering, "Milk. Please. Milk. The whole thing. Just dump it on me. Oh god please my whole face is burning and so are my hands."
An hour later, the boys stood together at the door to the bathroom, watching as the two girls curled into balls on the cold tile floor and groaned. Riley managed to reach up and flush the toilet. The shower, however, was going to require more work to clean.
Mindy was the first to acknowledge their presence by turning her eyes to them. She didn't say anything until a few minutes after she vomited again.
"Woooo...oh god." Riley said and started trying to get up to reach the toilet again.
"Yeah. After the pepper you started tripping and forgot about your lemon juice."
"I think those peppers should be illegal. You mumbled something about the walls melting."
"Alright guys, I think they're through the worst of it. Let's give them some privacy."
"Ya know," Todd said as they walked down the hall, "This is the first time I've ever felt smarter than either of them."
Mindy tried and failed to give them the finger.