Integra's 21st Birthday Bash

So you wish to know the tale of my Master's 21st birthday, hmmn? Heh heh heh. You'll forgive my outburst, but it is quite an amusing account…that and the fact I suffer from a condition that causes me to break out in maniacal laughter. (Insanity I believe is the term, though my comrade Walter would say that I have just been a vampyre for too long. Bollocks to him is my response.) Yes, you heard correctly: vampyre. Oh you were not in the know? Well now you do, and while we are upon the subject, I would like to enlighten you that renditions of 'I vant to suck your blood' will not be appreciated nor tolerated. You give me that pathetic line (or any other lame vampyre references) and I will happily indulge in that saying.

Now before I begin my tale, let me tell you a bit about my Master first.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing is her name and Gods, if ever there was a woman that needed a good lay, it would be her. It's the gospel truth so snigger all you want. Heh, yes I know it sounds quite blunt, but if you had known and worked with her as I have done for the past ten years then you could understand and appreciate my comments. Apart from animating that lovely frigid face of hers, a good lay would give her far more relaxed personality, thus making her far easier to work for. I remember she used to be a curious and endearing child, constantly harassing me with a fulisade of questions, ('Alucard, must you sleep in a coffin?' 'Do you ever get claustrophobic?' 'Is the hellhound the only animal you can turn into? Because I'd rather you turn into a cat…'  'May I give you a haircut? Oh do say yes!! Pleaase…') never once giving me a moments respite. Too bad she turned out to be as frosty as Walter's bed hmmn heh heh heh…

WHAT?! Me?! Do the 'laying'?! HAH!! You have a sick sense of humour, my friend, I give you that. Quite twisted. You'd do well as a vampyre…No? Are you sure? Meh, it's your loss. Should you change your mind do not hesitate to tack a 'BITE ME' sign on yourself. Eh heh heh…

Do I respect her you ask?


Yes, though not for the reason of her being my Master but rather for the fact that she is quiet a resilient human. Yes, yes for having to put up with me for ten years, blah blah blah…you've been talking to Walter recently haven't you? Though I suppose knowing me for a decade does warrant a medal of some sort. But I digress, the reason she has earned my respect stems from her impressive sense of responsibility and honour, which she has displayed even from a young age. 13 was the age she inherited the mantle of her sire, the previous leader of Hellsing. (God rest his soul he was fun to get along with, very lax in his approach to me unlike his offspring, though a common trait between father and daughter would be that both are easily riled up hahaha.)

At an age where she should have been experimenting with make-up or gossiping to friends about the latest fashion, my Master was being taught how to plan covert operations, being trained to deal with bureaucracy, whether political or otherwise and learning about the myths and lore surrounding the creatures she would be hunting.

Taking up that position was certainly a decision that would give any adult pause, let alone a recently orphaned young girl. She could have easily passed off the station to another more experienced individual, yet my Integ- I mean, my Master took stock, claiming that she was duty bound to head the organization because she was the last remaining Hellsing…


What was that?

Do I feel any affection towards her?

*another pause*


Let's just say that workplace romances are not advisable, especially not with your boss.

…What are you talking about? That was an answer! Skirting around the question-Ha-as if! Perish the thought. Now, are you done interrogating me yet? You do wish to hear the story, do you not?

You do? Good. Then shut up.

*          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *

Even footfalls made their way down a narrow hallway, stopping just in front of twin great doors that served as an entrance to a luxurious office. Before entering the woman unconsciously smartened herself a bit, smoothing out invisible wrinkles in her specially tailored men's suit, straightening her tie and flicking her moonbeam hair out of her face. It was a habit that spoke volumes about her personality; it showed that she was a creature of order, precise and inflexible. It was a perfect outlook to the line of work she was associated with. She adopted a composed demeanour prior to pushing the heavy oak doors open. When the doors swung open however, she didn't make a single step into her office.

Greeting her bespectacled eyes was a massive three layered cake, luridly coloured, to her disgust, pink (she detested that colour). It stood just in front of her desk; beautiful roses lining the edges while in loopy letters the white icing read 'Happy 21st Birthday Integra', the 'key' symbol of wisdom placed in between the words. She lost her calm conduct for a moment while a slight smile twitching her lips. She ventured closer to get a better view of the colossal pink cake.

Goodness! Walter certainly outdid himself this time, that thing could easily hold a man inside!  The smile fell and she frowned as she took in the sight. Odd that it should suspiciously look stiff and fake, as if it were made out of something like cardboard. And…and why do I get the feeling that it's hollow…?

She paused.

Oh no.

Oh dear God no.

The top most layer erupted.


Integra's ever present trademark cigar dangled loosely from slack jaws while cold blue eyes widened in disbelief.

Torso emerging from the top layer of the monstrous cake and hollering salutations at the top of his voice was the Hellsing Institute's trump card and resident headache, Alucard. In one hand was an empty champagne glass, while the other held a bottle of bubbly and a party hat was set jauntily on his head. But that was not what caused her mouth to drop open. From what Integra could see of him, apart from a red silk sash that was draped across one broad shoulder which had 'HELLSING' emblazoned in white, Alucard's rangy frame was…naked. Utterly, utterly so.

The cigar dropped to the floor.

Crimson eyes sparkled beneath wild black hair as Alucard removed himself from the pink cake to move towards his Master (he was still calling out things like 'Twenty-one years old! Where does the time fly? Whatever happened to the young girl pestering me for stories about vampyres…tsk tsk tsk' ). Integra swung her whole head away from his lanky nude form, her usually composed face registering shock at the sight of the naked man, sorry vampyre, before her. Brain numb with bewilderment, she still managed to get a few nerve impulses functioning for she reached into her coat for her pistol.

Alucard turned to pour her a glass of sparkling Blanc, completely oblivious to his Master's distress (the red sash was cleverly hiding his nether regions). When he turned to offer her the drink, Alucard found a gun levelled at his head even though she was not looking at him. Just as he was about to protest, Integra shifted her aim lower. Very much lower.

Hellsing's top agent didn't look the least perturbed, but merely arched an eyebrow and continued his high spirits.

"Now Master, why do that?! It's your birthday!! Relax, put that gun away and enjoy yourself!! Besides, how do you know what you are aiming at if your eyes are averted?"

Alucard glanced down to what she was targeting at and smirked evilly. He couldn't resist. He just had to say it.

"Unless it's that big that you couldn't miss it…"


The sound of a gun's hammer being put in position was heard. Alucard grinned wider.

From his position he could see Integra's jaw muscles flexing and he could've sworn that he saw a vein popping by her right temple. Eyes still turned aside Integra bellowed:

"GET. OUT. NOW!!!!"

Alucard just continued grinning at her.

*          ~          *          ~          *

"Friend Alucard, you really should go easy upon Sir Integra," the butler said sagely, monocle flashing to communicate his annoyance at the vampyre, "might I remind you that you are not her only working companion?"

"Walter I only wished to give to her a present!" Protested the vampyre. "It is her birthday and her twenty-first one no less. And I don't know what kind of material things twenty-one-year-old females want, undoubtedly something our esteemed leader would not approve of, so why not opt for an experience to remember me by?" Another infuriating smirk.

The retired Angel of Death spared him a withering glance.

"Yes quite an experience it must be to have a naked vampyre rush forth from your birthday cake like a hired gigolo." Walter responded dryly. "Not to mention the delightful encounter of having one's willy almost blown off!"

The vampyre's mad grin split even wider. When he received no reply to his previous statement, Hellsing's most faithful retainer heaved a great sigh. Maybe it was an experience to one as old as him. Walter shook his head and tried to suppress a smile. You really are mad, aren't you…

God knows what runs through the mind of a vampyre, in particular, Hellsing's resident vampyre-cum-pet. Walter knew that Alucard had a penchant for doing psychotic acts (Alucard's recent, *ahem*, actions of traumatising Integra certainly qualified as psychotic), yet he had not asked, in all the years of knowing the infernal creature, whether or not he was insane to begin with. The old man had a theory that along with the omnipotent powers that accompanied the immortal standard of living came the urge to do mad incidents simply because one had the means to or because one was just plain bored.

Walter shook his head again in an attempt to halt that line of thought. Right now his attention was needed else where, so he returned to the situation at hand. First things first: the survival of Hellsing Institute-- meaning he should check upon the last remaining member of the family. But upon reflection, Walter thought it best he give his mistress more time to settle down from her trauma. Plus he didn't want to get shot by her while she was still in a violent wrath (she still retained her pistol, and, given recent events, a superb marksman even not looking at the target). He looked at the vampyre.

"Another ice pack?"

"Huh? Nah, swelling's gone and besides it's already healed. Though I don't think I'll be fit for duty anytime soon. Heh heh heh. If she complains then tell her it's her own fault. Just because she didn't enjoy her 'present' doesn't mean she could harm her best agent by shooting him in the cr-"

Walter merely looked on as the vampyre muttered to himself, the rangy (and fully clothed-Thank God!-) form limped towards the wall and melt out of sight. Picking up the ice packs that Alucard left behind the long-suffering butler straightened his shoulders and then he went to see if his charge had spent her bullets as well her anger.

*          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *

Yes, by the way you are doubled up laughing, no doubt you found that entertaining, no? Well everything was except for my Master's gratitude of my 'present' that resulted in my getting-shot-in-the-groin. And no, as you can see, I am not limping anymore, thank you for your concern. I…what?

Did she get any revenge you ask?


Not that I'm aware of.

Author's Note (or drivel if you will):

This fanfic was inspired by a fanart I drew of the scene where Alucard pops out of Integral's birthday cake. 'Hysterics' was not the best word to describe my first reaction to the picture after I drew it. Heh, it still makes me giggle even now, though unfortunately I don't have a scanner to post it on the 'Net. Though please be patient; that maybe remedied soon.

I may have prequel in store for this 'fic dealing with Integra's revenge upon our favourite resident 'birthday crasher'. (Come to my 18th  birthday Alucard!! It's on the 5th of September!! Notice that it's next week!!!)

This 'fic is dedicated to all you AxI fans out there searching for ANYTHING on our favourite Master/Servant couple. Lord knows I'm guilty of that.

Also dedicated to the people who stay up late just to read 'fics on ''.

Many thanks to those who review.