Make Me Laugh Contest Entry

Title: Marching Into Battle

Picture Prompt Used: #58 – Nerf Gun
Word Count: 2916
Pairing: Edward and Bella
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement is intended.



Fuck… work has become the equivalency of being hell!

No… really! It's been HELL here!

I mean, how much shit could possibly go wrong in the past month? Every day at the office there has been an incident: sexual harassment, worker incompetence, bitching and complaining from my employees, meetings that last longer than they should, paychecks needing to be signed, Human Resources up my ass about hiring a new assistant since the other came on to me rather inappropriately (and in front of my boss!) – just so much fucking shit!

It's driving me insane!

I'm tired and cranky and hungry. It's after seven here and I'm sure my wife, Bella, has dinner ready for the both of us. Shit, I haven't called her. Ugh… now she's gonna be pissed.

Bella isn't overprotective or a woman who hovers. She just likes it when I check in with her if I know I'm going to be late or not home for dinner. Just like I would if I knew she was going to be out somewhere and wasn't going to be home when I came home.

I love my wife so much. She takes care of me and I take care of her. I'm pathetic without my wifey. Like really pathetic! I'm practically incapable of taking care of myself, like making myself food and washing my dishes and doing my laundry. I just sit there on the couch like a pig in dirty sweats and just make a mess, not cleaning up whenever I drop food or spill beer.

I'm pretty much a three year old without her.

Bella's been an angel for putting up with me for five years of marriage, knowing I can't do anything for myself. For all the things she's done for me, at least I'm capable of doing my job and bringing home my share of income so we could pay the bills.

I rub my eyes and get myself ready to leave the office. After shutting down my computer, I grab my jacket and messenger bag, making sure I have everything I need – iPhone, laptop, keys, wallet… yep, got everything! – and head out the door of my office. I shuffle my feet across the horrendous carpet of the hallway to the elevators. I jab my finger against the call button a million times, just wishing for the elevator to come up quicker so I could go home to my wife.

Finally, it comes up and opens. No one gets on but me and I'm glad I don't have to socialize with anyone else working in the building. Some people can be so talkative and I'm just not in the mood to deal with people this late. I exit the building and make my way through the parking garage to my car. I unlock my door with a beep of the key fob and duck myself in.

I was hoping for this day to end well with no traffic, but my wish did not come true. On the parkway there was an accident that wasn't even so bad, but apparently everyone just had to gawk at the sight as they passed, slowing their asses and everyone else's down. It took over twenty minutes for me to go one mile in the traffic jam.

When I make it past the accident, things start to speed up and I'm home within ten minutes. It normally takes me no more than fifteen minutes to get home, but it just took me half an hour to tonight. It just isn't my night tonight. I only hope that when I get home, Bella doesn't bitch about me arriving home late without so much as a phone call to let her know I'd be late. I also hope I can eat dinner and veg out for an hour before I have to hit the sack to wake up at six thirty in the morning the next day for another long day at the office. I'd be happy to make love to my wife, like we try to every night, but I'm just so fucking exhausted.

I'd probably end up falling asleep during foreplay… again. God, that was a humiliating night. Bella went down on me and not two minutes later I fell asleep with my dick in her mouth. She wasn't very happy when I woke up the next morning.

I arrive home and unlock the front door to our house.

"Bella!" I call out. I drop my keys unceremoniously on the small table we have by the door. I take off my jacket and hang it in the closet and also take out my wallet from my back pocket of my suit pants. During my time of going through this nightly routine, Bella usually answers me. She usually yells out, "I'm in the kitchen!" like she always is, but tonight… no answer.


I trek to the kitchen to find my wife, but she's not there. There isn't even food!

Shit. I was hoping there'd be a plate of food waiting for me to heat up, but nothing!

I then notice a sheet of paper on the island and a Nerf gun with some extra Nerf Blasters next to it. What the fuck?

On the paper it read:

Welcome home from work!

Two things:
1: This gun with ammo is yours.
2: I have one, too, and
you're under attack as of

Huh? I don't get it. I'm under attack?

I pick up the loaded Nerf gun and look at it. What is this all about?

Then out of nowhere I see a Nerf Blaster shoot past me and stick to the refrigerator. I turn around and see Bella with her own Nerf gun and a belt of Nerf Blasters around her waist, smirking. Damn, she looks sexy trying to look ready for combat.

Bella's dressed in one of my black wife beaters, short shorts and an old pair of Doc Martens. She's also got her beautiful mahogany locks in a high ponytail, a few strands framing her fair, heart-shaped face. She even has the black marks under her eyes. God, I want to just push her up against the wall and fuck her good and hard.

But she wants to have a Nerf battle.

Okay… I'm down with that.

"You're gonna get it, missy!" I yell out.

"Not if you don't catch me first!" she replies back in a loud voice. And then she takes off.

I grab my gun and extra ammo, shoving them into my pocket, and run after her, armed and ready.

I see movement and shoot one at Bella.

Fuck! I miss!

I hear my sneaky wife giggle as I chase her around the house. I even end up tripping and falling flat on my face when my foot got caught on the threshold that led from the living room to the hallway. She laughs hysterically, but I'm back on my feet in no time, running after her and shooting a Nerf Blaster at her.

For over thirty minutes we're at this, shooting Nerf Blasters at each other. We've each been hit a bunch, but of course only 'kill' shots are in the chest or head. I've only been hit in the arm or leg. I manage to shoot one at her sexy ass. She even squeals and grabs at it when I get it. I chuckle and turn to run away from her. But she also shoots at my ass and doesn't miss.

I hide away in our closet in our bedroom, reloading my Nerf gun with the last of my ammo, hoping she doesn't find me before I can sneak away from my hiding spot. I duck my head out and look around me to see if Bella is close by. She isn't, so I take my chance to leave the closet and find her.

I quietly walk down the hall, cursing my shoes when they decide to squeak on the hardwood floor and checking the rooms around to corner Bella. I quickly shove a door open and hop in to see if she is hiding there, but she isn't.


I hear a scuffle down in the kitchen. I know she's there, but, and no offense to women, that's Bella's domain. She's probably cooking some strategy up in there to win this battle against me. I have to make sure I'm prepared for whatever she may throw at me.

I will not fail and fall. I will defeat my wife!

I rush down the stairs and jump into the kitchen, armed and ready, yelling out, "Ha!" to scare her. But she's not there. I look around, but there's no sight of my wife.

Then all of a sudden I feel weight being thrown on me. Bella has jumped on top of me, wrapping herself around me like a monkey. I spin around to toss her off of me, but she's not letting go – she's got quite a grip on me.

"Ugh… let go, Bella!" I grunt out.

"Never! Surrender, Edward!" Bella replies.

"I will not surrender. You surrender."


I get myself into the living room and am finally able to toss her off of me onto the couch. She bounces and falls off onto the floor. I take my chance to escape. I race up the stairs and get to our bedroom. But Bella is just as quick to run after me 'cause she actually tackles me.

Agh! Fuck, my knees! And okay… my back is kind of hurting. Bella's weight on me is crushing me. But I'm not saying she's fat! Honestly! Just that a hundred and ten pounds is a lot on my back at the moment.

We wrestle each other and we each get a chance to be on top of the other, gaining control of the situation. But she one ups me and straddles my hips one last time, holding her Nerf gun up to shoot a Blaster at my head to 'kill' me. I accept that she's won this battle and I am ready for the shot. It is, after all, just a game.

But when she pulls the trigger, nothing shoots out.

Hell yeah! She's out of ammo!

"What? No! Fuck!" she cries out angrily, jamming her palm against the gun and pulling at the trigger again to see if it'll work.

I laugh haughtily and say, "Ha! Looks like you're out of ammo, baby." I even give her a cocky smirk to show her that I pretty much won. I pull out my Nerf gun to shoot at her to end this.

"Edward… baby, please don't. I'm sorry. I'll do anything," she whimpers, as if I was actually going to 'kill' her.

"Anything?" I ask.

"Anything, Edward."

"Looks like you're in for a punishment, Mrs. Cullen. Are you willing to accept you need to be punished for playing this game with me?"

"Uh huh!" she nods.

I sit up and pull her body towards me, her still straddling me. I plant a hard kiss on her lips and Bella just melts into it. She moans and whimpers as I kiss her and lift us up to throw ourselves onto our bed.

Bella pulls away from me to press kisses to my jaw and neck, nipping at the flesh. "Oh, Edward! Mmm! Fuck me please."

"No… you're getting a punishment, baby. I don't think you should be fucked as a punishment."

"Oh, please! I'll be a good girl! No more fighting with the Nerf guns. You won, Edward. Isn't that enough?"

I pretend to think it over. "Okay, Bella. Because you said 'please,' I'll fuck you. But before I do, suck my cock. Your punishment is that you have to wait a few minutes to get fucked."

I'm already hard and really want to fuck my wife good, but I just want to make her squirm in need without either of us giving her pleasure.

Bella whimpers, but agrees. We whip our clothes off and just as my boxers hit the floor her mouth is around my hard cock. I let out a groan at my wife's sexy mouth around me. She has always given the best blow jobs. She's on her knees on the floor, bobbing her head up and down and slurping the head of my dick like a lollipop, looking up at me from under her eyelashes. I arch my back as pleasure runs through my body.

I have to stop her because I want to come inside her pussy, so I push her away by shoving her shoulders back gently. My cock pops out of her mouth and Bella pouts because she wants to continue.

"Come up here, baby. Let me fuck you fast and hard."

She smiles, climbing onto the bed. She leans back against the pillows, opening her legs so I can lie between them. I smile and kiss her pouty lips, adjusting my body to fit comfortably between her legs and getting my cock situated to plunge into her.

"Ready, Bella?" I ask.

"Yes, Edward," Bella moans.

I enter her hard and fast and Bella cries out loudly. Jesus, the woman can scream. I brush that aside because I'm inside my wife and we want to fuck each other hard.

I pull out some and plunge back in. In. Out. In. Out. I'm pushing in and pulling out at a rapid pace and am making Bella and the bed shake. She's shuddering in pleasure as I bring her to an orgasm. I'm not ready to fall over the edge just yet.

As Bella finishes coming, I roll us over so she's straddling me. "Ride me, Bella."

"Fuck yes!" she voices huskily and gets to moving.

We're both speaking obscenities as we both drive us to the point of desperation. We just want to fucking come.

"Edward," Bella moans as she bounces on top of me. "I'm so close, baby."

"Me, too, sweetheart. Let go. I'm right behind you."

"Okay… okay… oka– ahh! Oh God! Edward!" Bella is screaming as she rides me faster and harder, trying to hold onto the intense feeling of her orgasm. The way she's squeezing my cock is what finally pushes me to come hard and what makes her finally collapse on top of me.

I roll us over and lie on top of her as I catch my breathing. And then, not a minute after, I feel something being shot against my head.

"What? Huh?" I shoot myself up off Bella and I see another Nerf gun in her hand. And she's fucking grinning.

"Bang. You're dead," she says simply.

I'm shocked. I was so not expecting that. My wife turned on me. She played me!

"How did you…?" I try to ask, but I can't even complete the sentence; that's how shocked I am.

"You should always make sure your enemy isn't armed anywhere else. And you should never trust or give in to her, even with sex, baby."

Bella lets out an evil, tinkling laugh and I can't help but chuckle either. She got me good.

I roll over and pull my scheming wife into my arms, us just lying in our rumpled up bed sheets.

"Alright, Bella… I surrender. You win. And thank you… I needed this night. I needed to let go and have a little fun. Let go of the stress."

"I knew work had been a total pain in the ass the last few weeks, babe. I felt you needed to let go and have a little fun, but you wouldn't have done it if I had suggested it to you."

I chuckle and admit, "Yeah! I'd claim being tired and shit."

"Mmhmm! So that's why I planned this for you and you had no choice but to give in."

"It worked, baby. But how?" I have to know how she succeeded in coming up with this without me knowing and planning it right that she came in and cornered me at the right time.

Bella props herself up on her elbow and turns her sexy body to face me. "I called the office. I knew you were gonna be late from Jane. After planning this, I went out and bought the toys at the store. I'd been waiting for about an hour – you kept me waiting a bit longer than I had planned! – but then you came home and we had our fun."

"It was fun indeed," I tell her. "This is a story to definitely tell out future kids."

"Everything except us fucking though!" she points out.

"We'll say we were wrestling then," I wink. "And we should do this again, but next time let's do it with water guns."

"Um… water guns?" Bella wonders, looking confused.

"Yeah," I deadpan, but then whisper sexily in her ear. "I want to see you in a soaking wet, white tee shirt before I fuck you hard. You'd look so fucking hot and sexy, baby."

Bella moans and squirms beside me. I know I got her riled up from what I just said. And I can't wait to make love to wife again.

"Alright. Another night," she promises. "Let's just enjoy the rest of our night. I won our battle and I want my reward."

"And what's that?" I ask, hovering over her and pressing kisses over her neck and chest, my hands roaming her body.

"You making me scream out in pleasure all. Night. Long."

"That can most definitely be arranged!" I declare.