AN: This is silliness in three parts for Livie Liv's birthday.

Pre-read by RFM86, Honeybee Meadows and Karenec. Beta magic by mauigirl60.

No vampires or zombies harmed in the writing of this fic.

If you take this in any way seriously, I'll send the zombies after you.


Frozen Dinners, Part 1

Jessica Stanley, in all seriousness, should have known better.

Going into a cemetery at midnight was a stupid idea. To give her an ounce of credit, he was Edward Cullen. Every girl wanted him and he ignored every girl, until today. Sure, his flirty words were said in a bored tone that one would use while reading a textbook, but Jessica didn't give a flying fuck.

Jessica was giving herself mental fist pumps, because she was so very close to getting into Edward's pants. Hopefully, she'd have some quickly taken photographic proof to bring back to Lauren.

"Can you hurry up?" Edward complained, pulling Jessica's arm through the tangled weeds and crumbling headstones of the Fork's Memorial Cemetery. It should have been better maintained, but as anyone could have said, the governing body of the town was woefully inefficient.

"Isn't it a romantic night? Look at that full moo..." she starting saying, as Edward pulled her arm hard. "Ouch!"

"Sorry," he muttered.

All he wanted to do was eat something other than a fucking deer!

Honestly, Edward thought he was doing the world and himself a favor. Hearing this infant's dirty inner monologue and having to hear other's views of her, it was apparent it was his civic duty to suck her dry.

"Sit here!" Edward commanded, running his fingers through his hair.

Jessica giggled at his authoritative tone. Edward cringed at the lurid ideas in her head. He liked fluids, all right, but only the red kind.

He steadied himself and gently moved her hair away from her neck. Eating people was like riding a bike, Jasper had reminded him. Unfortunately, this bike was wearing horrendous perfume that made her precious blood reek like embalming fluid. He tried not to gag.

Also, the smell was not Jessica Stanley.

A hand had broken through the dirt of a freshly-dug grave. It was followed by the head of the newly-deceased Isabella Marie Swan, which popped out like a demented jack-in-the-box.

The poor child had been attacked by an animal of indeterminate origin. It may have been a bear, but Chief Charles Swan could have sworn his only child had been attacked by the wolves that had been seen in the area. Bella's best friend swore up and down that he'd seen the bear that attacked sweet Bella.

Jacob burped and had wicked indigestion the entire interview. That's what resulted from trying to eat your best friend. He was still inwardly cursing Sam for interrupting snack time.

At the moment, that really didn't matter. What did matter to the soon-to-be ill-fated citizens of Forks was that the city council – that paragon of inefficiency – had, in fact, given the thumbs up to toxic waste being stored at the cemetery. Toxic waste that seeped into the ground and was reviving corpses. Those rotting pieces of reanimated bones and flesh were popping up like daisies.

Her body inched slowly toward the heat coming off of young Jessica's body. It was hard to go fast after rigor mortis had set in.

It didn't matter, because when Captain Indecisive finally decided to take a bite of Jessica's neck, it gave Bella plenty of time to latch onto Jessica's head in a quest for brains. It was Edward and Bella's first dinner date.

Edward pulled up and began to say, "What are you d..."

He choked up when she stared at him, as she munched on Jessica's gray matter. He found her undead eyes bewitching. Her pale, bloodless flesh was so much like his own. Her smell was slightly off, but there was no pesky bloodlust to worry about. Edward Cullen had found his mate.

Bella thought she found dessert and tried to latch onto his copper tresses. She lost a tooth on his marble skull.

"It's all right, my beloved!" he cried. "I'll super glue it back in!"

Edward Cullen considered himself lucky, because she was a beauty. Obviously, true love made you see things through rose-colored glasses. He should have just been happy that she'd only been in the ground for a day. At least, she still had some flesh left on her. Old Mr. Cope was a crawling skeletal torso.

"Brains!" Bella moaned.

"Kisses!" Edward put his mouth on her with such passion that her top lip fell off and went into his mouth. Spitting it back into his hand, Edward added, "I'll just stitch this back on at home."

He lowered her down onto a grave and kissed her again on her remaining bottom lip. "We are mates, sweet…umm…Isabella? Right? You had Mr. Molina for homeroom?"

"Brains!" Bella was on a one-track quest.

"You are Bella Swan! Anyway, I must take you now to seal our bond and our love!" He wanted to wait for marriage, but being a 109-year-old virgin made him incredibly horny.

It also should be pointed out that two of the undead making sweet undead love really negated having to put a ring on it.

Edward was a traditionalist, however. He would just have Carlisle perform a quickie ceremony after they fixed her lip.


The girl just wanted to eat. She started chomping at Edward. He took that as her attempt to kiss him. He was most definitely not blessed with being street-smart.

"I love you so much!" Edward quickly thrust into her. His formative human years in the Victorian era taught him nothing about foreplay. He was also too much of a prude to watch Emmett's porn.

It really didn't concern Bella. Edward's penis was tiny. She didn't feel it at all. Bella was just hungry and there was a cold body bouncing on hers.

"Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!" Bella repeated over and over.

He thought she was having an orgasm. She was just demanding some more human flesh.

They finished quickly. He was a two-minute man.

Edward cuddled his Bella in his arms on the grave, as he listened to Jasper shooting zombies around them with his Civil War era musket. She stared blankly at the sky, still muttering about brains.

"I love you, baby." He kissed her cold, clammy skin.

"Brains," she moaned.

Never before had there been such an epic love, as Edward and his Isabella.