AN: To Livie.
Thank you, mauigirl60 for making this mess less messy.
Taking home a new girlfriend was always a nerve-wracking endeavor, but Edward had brought home a zombie, which presented some complications.
"This is a horrible idea, son," Carlisle pointed out. His beloved son had a dog collar and leash around a dead girl's neck. She kept chomping at the air.
"Dad!" Edward whined. "I had to get her a leash. She kept wandering off!"
Carlisle wasn't talking about the leash. He was talking about his son kissing the undead.
"Edward, this isn't the best idea. She needs to be sent back to heaven in peace."
"Couldn't the same be said of us all?" Edward tugged on Bella's leash, as she tried to bite Carlisle's arm. "Baby, I don't want to have to glue in any more of your teeth."
Jasper wandered in slowly from outside. "Y'all know why we have more corpses running around the yard? I just took out six. Holy hell! Edward, why do you have one on a leash like a puppy?"
"She's going to be my wife!" Edward cried out happily.
"You are one messed up, kid." Jasper raised his Civil War-era revolver to take out the salivating Bella.
"I love her!" Edward cried, covering his beloved, who promptly tried to bite Edward's neck, thereby losing another tooth. Edward picked it up and looked at Carlisle with big, sad eyes. "Daddy! Please!"
Edward was known throughout the vampire world as a bossy, spoiled Daddy's boy. This time was no exception.
"Jasper, put down your gun and welcome your new sister," Carlisle said tiredly.
"Umm...hi?" Jasper said, wrinkling his nose. That corpse smelled ripe.
Edward led her to the couch, as Alice skipped in with super glue and a necklace, from which hung a sachet of potpourri.
"My vision didn't show her as dead, but we can make it work!" Alice trilled, as she set about repairing her new sister's choppers and making the dead girl smell like a floral bouquet. "The wedding is going to be lovely!"
Jasper knew his wife was the engineer of the crazy train, but her nuttiness was on full display – until Esme had her first look at her new daughter.
"Edward, she's so lovely! Can I make her a sandwich?" Esme asked happily.
"Mother, she eats brains," Edward explained.
"Carlisle, go to the hospital and fetch us some!"
"Mother, she likes them warm." Edward tried to stroke Bella's hair. She tried to bite his hand.
"The microwave! I never get to use it! This is perfect!" Esme jumped up and down, clapping.
Jasper was reconsidering joining these crazies. He'd be better off wandering the open road and snacking on hobos.
The rest of the introductions didn't go much better.
Emmett grabbed Bella's arm so hard to pull her in for a hug, causing it to fall off. Alice had to rush over and sew it back on. "Sorry, dude!"
"She's delicate! Like the sweetest of flowers!" Edward cried. It was more like rotting flowers.
Emmett looked out the window at the yard. The zombies ranged from freshly-made and others which were mostly skeletal, bits of flesh hanging off randomly. "You brought the whole gang, Hells Bells! Awesome!"
"Brains!" Bella stared at the wall. She was hungry. Again.
"What do you mean?" Edward asked.
"Dude, the zombies travel in packs! Don't you ever watch movies or play video games?" Emmett looked at Edward like he had three heads.
"I prefer reading Dickens and watching documentaries about spotted owls," Edward said in his very special prissy way.
"Douche!" Emmett gave him the finger and grabbed his BB gun from his backpack. "Off to play a living zombie video game! Best day ever!"
Rosalie had heard rumors of Edward's idiocy and went in to see the train wreck, as her husband rushed past screaming, "Operation kick ass!"
She took one look and said, "No fucking way!"
"This is my bride!" Edward said proudly.
Bella's tongue fell out as she tried to say, "Brains!"
"Alice, needle and thread!" Edward yelled.
"Edward, if this was a stupid short story, the author should be run out of the literary world," Rosalie pointed out with a grimace. "Since this is reality, you should be bludgeoned to death with her unattached arm."
"You're just jealous of her beauty!" Edward screamed.
Rosalie, at that moment, was very tempted to head out with Jasper to hunt some hobos. Unfortunately, she was about as fond of Cowboy Curls as Emo Ed and couldn't fathom him being her only companion. She was stuck where she was. Damn it!
Two weeks later, life with Bella was still an adventure of protecting the townsfolk and keeping her body parts together. It was tedious.
Luckily, for the brains-obsessed heroine, by the time of her nuptials, Alice had created something to make her look somewhat prettier. With a combination of spackle, Elmer's glue and just a touch of glitter for that vampire flair, Alice made Bella look like a vampire; or, more accurately, a mannequin. Edward thought it was lovely and had to carry her around bridal style wherever they went.
The ceremony itself was not very exciting. Bella tried to attack Carlisle as he read their vows. Edward finally got to demonstrate his ventriloquist abilities, as he moved her lips to say, "I do."
The reception was the real main event. Edward had found the perfect gift.
Jacob Black was tied up, gagged and wearing a red bow around his head. That would teach him to relive his account of maiming Bella repeatedly in his head.
Before Carlisle could protest, Bella leapt on her warm dinner.
Edward thought she was magnificent.
The rest of the wedding party became nauseous at the sight and slightly hungry at the smell of blood.
Unfortunately, Chief Charlie Swan was still mourning his little girl and was using zombies as anger management. At the sight of the glittery zombie eating Jacob, he didn't think twice as he shot the monster in the head.
Edward screamed, "My love!"
He grabbed her now official corpse. He ran toward the fireworks display that Alice had set up.
Alice stomped her foot. "How did I miss this?"
Lighting up one of the fireworks, he held it up in the air, holding his Bella in his arms. "Forever!"
He stuck the lit explosive in his mouth and his body was torn to pieces as it detonated.
"What the hell?" I woke up with a jolt.
That had been a horrible dream; my internal narrator was an idiot.
I rubbed my eyes and looked up at the beautiful boy in my dreams. It was the gay kid who disappeared after I'd met him in biology. The poor kid must have finally come out of the closet.
What was he doing in my room?
"Hey, kid, what the fuck are you..."
He took my face and pulled me close. "You're so beautiful."
"Okay." Someone had boundary issues.
He sniffed my neck. Huh?
"You smell so good! I'm sorry." He bit me.
AN: Don't get your panties in a bunch. There's one more!