AN: For Livie, who I like so much that I'm posting this hot mess from my phone on vacation.
Thank you to mauigirl60 for her beta skills! Any mistakes? Blame the phone for it.
This is probably the dumbest story I've ever written, which is saying a lot. So... Enjoy?
Part 3: Excerpts from the Diary of Isabella Marie Swan, Unsuccessful Vampire Slayer
"Stop it, Bella!" Edward screamed up at me. "It doesn't hurt."
I was high up in a tree. I shot him again with the fat kid's BB Gun.
The fat kid laughed next to me. Idiot.
"Hey, Jabba, can you get off my tree? I'm trying to shoot the gay kid and I don't want you to start breaking branches." I shot at Edward Prissy Pants again.
"I'm not gay, Bella!" he screamed at me again. Tell me that again when I haven't caught you staring at your pretty face in a mirror for fifteen minutes, Prissy Pantaloons.
"You know my name is Emmett, right?" I groaned and shot the fat kid with the BB gun in his forehead. He just chuckled. I was going to live forever with the brain-dead Brady Bunch. Kill me now. Wait...you can't.
I shot at Edward again. He stomped his feet and had his hands on his hips. It was temper tantrum time. "You're my mate! You have to listen to me! Carlisle!"
Lovely. Daddy's going to come out and yell at me again. Edward is a daddy's boy and Carlisle is an enabler who spoils him rotten. I will admit that I have a sneaking suspicion that Daddy Dearest has a secret love for his sweet boy which was thwarted by that pesky mating bullshit.
"Isabella, please stop trying to shoot Edward!" Carlisle admonished from the house. He was probably drawing illustrations of his baby boy. Naked.
I muttered, "Why don't you just make out with him, Big Poppa."
"I heard that," he complained. Maybe he would dock my allowance. "Isabella, please try to get along with your mate."
Asshole. There was no privacy in this place. Everything sounded like someone was talking into a megaphone. Let me tell you, after hearing Alice telling Colonel Sanders to ride her like a wild filly and Jabba begging for spankings with
"Prissy Pantaloons better watch himself before I take another lighter to him," I scoffed. Jabba laughed so hard that he fell off the tree.
I might start liking Jabba. He was amusing.
Prissy was stomping his foot. See, temper tantrum central. "You could have killed me! Look, you made scars!"
"It's no worse than Colonel Sanders." That poor guy was a littered in them. If you took a marker you could make pretty pictures out of them, which I tried. Unfortunately, my artistic endeavors weren't appreciated.
Edward held his arm out with a cry. "Just take a good look at them!"
Jesus, what a baby! Good thing he was hot. What?
"Boo hoo! You tried to eat me, asshole!" I shot at him again.
Normally, one would imagine having the sexy, brooding kid from class sucking on your neck would be fantastic. However, the gay kid was killing me.
I felt the blood drain from my body, as he made nasty slurping sounds. I would imagine turning a person into your human Slurpee would make you have some semblance of manners. Well, he had none and I sure as hell wasn't a tasty dessert beverage.
This was insanely painful.
I needed a weapon. A lethal bringer of death to the deranged dude sucking on my artery. Dad refused to give me a gun. My knife was buried in the attic, since I quit that random whittling hobby I'd picked up from being dragged to a class with my mother. So, I weakly reached underneath my pillow and grabbed a lighter. I had a secret smoking habit, but I swore I'd quit. Someday. This was Forks and there wasn't much to do but smoke and bitch about the weather.
Luckily, at that time, I'd put off quitting and I lit that asshole's arm on fire.
He pulled away hard. I could see my dark red blood drip onto my comforter. It didn't faze me much, partially due to the burning in my veins and the fact that I hated that purple floral monstrosity. That was what happened when the Chief picked out bedding for a girl, though it could have been worse. He almost got me the My Little Pony bedding.
"Oh, my God! What did you do to me?" he screamed like a little girl.
That would have been funny if I wasn't dying.
I closed my eyes to embrace, hopefully, heaven's pearly gates.
Instead of heaven, I was stuck in a tree in my own version of hell. The Cullens were like a demonic Brady Bunch.
That was when I saw it and I aimed. The bullet breezed by Edward's ear.
"Ha! You missed!" he laughed happily.
"Did I?" I pointed behind him, Edward looked back and frowned.
I shot poor Tyler Crowley in the head. At least, what was left of Tyler Crowley. That boy made one hideous zombie, but he was a worse driver so at least he couldn't get behind the wheel anymore.
I jumped out of the tree and patted Edward's shoulder. "You're welcome, Prissy Pantaloons."
"He couldn't have hurt me."
"He would have gotten zombie guts on your pretty sweater." I winked at him. "You can thank me later."
He followed me as I went into the Cullen mansion. What a way to fit in, dumb assholes.
"Marry me?" he asked hopefully.
"Bella, I warmed up a mug of blood." Esme was making me miss my neglectful mother. This lady wouldn't take a hint. "You have to eat, sweetheart."
I was on a hunger strike. Yes, I was being childish. No, I didn't care in the least.
Charlie was out with the rest of Forks' finest, shooting up zombies, while these idiots were standing around and staring at floating dust.
"Tell Dr. C that I'll eat when he brings my dad here for protection." I crossed my arms and lay down on the fluffy, white couch. With my shoes on. Take that!
"She's being stubborn again, Esme." Edward was hovering over me again. "You ate a hiker."
One tiny slip-up and I'd never hear the end of it! Plus, he tasted like patchouli, weed and stinky hippie. If that didn't turn you off humans, nothing would.
"Prissy, go play with your tiny nubbin somewhere else." I started trying to break a nail. Nothing. I hated undead nails. Way too long.
"It's not small!" He stomped his foot again.
I saw it like I'd seen the zombies.
The weird girl skipped in carrying a headless doll. "I see that Charlie will be just fine!"
"You didn't see the zombies, but I did." I couldn't help smiling as I watched her little face twist in rage.
"She did, Alice!" Jabba laughed. "Bells, we need to set up a psychic network for the poor citizens of Forks. We can make millions off their zombie fears."
Jabba was my best friend. It was frustrating, but true.
"I could be Washington State's answer to Madame Cleo!" I punched Jabba in the shoulder. "Dude, we'll be all-powerful!"
"Emmett. No!" Rosalie sashayed in with a beauty magazine, moved my feet and sat next to me. "You can't even concentrate on what to hunt for dinner."
"Damn it!" Jabba was a great pouter.
That was when we heard the scream.
Vampires barreled out the door, tumbling over one another and flying on top of each other like dominos.
It was Jacob Black who was screaming toward us. A wolf jumped on him and took a viscious bite out of his skull.
Flesh was dropping off of it and green pus was coming out of its nostrils.
"I want to research this!" Carlisle yelled in glee.
I tripped him.
Was he an idiot? That wasn't just any zombie, but it was a werewolf zombie.
I grabbed Colonel Sander's confederate pistol and shot the thing in the head. I then took out old Jake. He made dream me into a zombie after all.
Edward looked at me in shock. "You're a bloodthirsty little thing."
"Admit that it's hot, Prissy."
His eyes got all black and creepy. "Extremely."
I gave him a wink and headed back inside to watch cartoons.
Dad came to live with us two days later. He smelled like me. I used to have an odor of stinky feet. Gross.
I spent the morning hidden in Esme's garden.
The zombies were being herded into containment camps for study. People were so stupid. I was listening to Charlie bitch and Carlisle get giddy over zombie dissection. They were like the odd couple.
Esme was trying to feed my father soup again.
"Bells! I caught another!" Jabba held up a squirming chipmunk.
I held up a vole. "You wanna trade, Emmett?"
We'd discovered that rodents were tastier than humans. Vampires were just too snobby to give it a shot.
Emmett and I discovered this accidentally when we dared each other to eat various animal life of questionable origin.
"We should start an extermination business," I said, munching on the squirming little varmint. He was adorable and oh, so yummy.
Jabba teased his vole before taking a nibble. "What if we bottle this delicious shit up and sell it to vampires? We would be kazillionnaires!"
"That's not a real number," I stated, laying my head in the grass and licking my fingers. The clouds looked like hamsters. I needed more tasty rodents.
All of a sudden, Edward's face - that I was reluctantly finding attractive - blocked my picturesque view.
"Please, tell me you aren't eating those bubonic plague carriers," he complained.
Jabba gave him the finger. "We're doing a public service!"
I reached into the ground and grabbed a squirming chippy and crammed it into Edward's mouth. He gagged on it and then sucked.
"This is delicious!" Edward was beaming.
One convert at a time.
Happy birthday to me!
Edward had dragged me to this damned meadow for a romantic picnic. The best part was the cage full of chipmunks. Delicious.
We sat on a blanket and I tried to ignore him stroking my hand.
"I should just eat Lauren Mallory as a preventive measure," I said to distract him. "She's destined to become a zombie."
Also, I hated her.
"Bella," he murmured, ignoring me as I tried to concentrate on the lavender flowers at my toes. "I have strong feelings for you."
I looked at the sky. "Somewhat of an annoyance?"
"Love, Bella." He caressed my face.
"Oh." I took a deep breath. I was lonely and horny. His penis might be small like in my dream, but perhaps he knew how to use it. "Strip, Cullen."
I took off my shirt. I had bedazzled boobs. Edward looked like he was about to faint.
"Strip, Edward." I took off my shorts. "Chop, chop! We're literally not getting any older here, Buckaroo."
I watched him undress and bit my lip worriedly, but I had nothing to fear. He had one lengthy sparkle wand.
I kissed him. Hard. It wasn't unpleasant.
I threw him down to ride him like a pony.
You know when some say it isn't the size, but how you use it?
Well, Edward was a perfect example.
He was truly a 17-year-old virgin in a 109-year-old vampire's body. Somebody needed to watch some porn and it wasn't me.
The various holes confused him.
He kept looking at my breasts and squeezing them like stress balls.
He lasted all of three minutes and six seconds. I counted.
Practice makes perfect, right?
"I love you, my Isabella." Edward kissed my temple. "Will you marry me?"
"I'll think about it."
We needed to work on that pesky sex first, before I committed to anything.
Then, I heard a groaning sound coming from the woods. I grabbed my pistol and shot Mike Newton in the head.
I wasn't certain if he was a zombie or just a jerking-off pervert. All that mattered was that was the last time Newton would see my nude ass.
"Zombie?" Edward asked.
I shrugged. "Pervert."