I wake up covered in sweat. It felt so real, it all felt so very real. Shivering in the early morning light I slide out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. Staring into the mirror I feel haunted by everything I have seen. I am a slayer and we are supposed to have prophetic dreams but I have never had one. If that was the future to come I sure as hell don't want to be part of it.
Washing my hands I can still feel the blood, still feel the warm fluid sliding onto my skin, soaking deep into me. Of course the blood doesn't wash off since it isn't even there. It hasn't even happened yet. What I saw has not happened yet. Yet it feels like it did. I feel as if I have already lived those events. They are part of me, seared into my brain as if they were part of my past. Washing my face I try to clear my head and fail miserably. I have to write this down. I don't think I will be forgetting any of this any time soon but I still feel like I should write it down. I feel like I need to have a record of these events so that I can avoid making the same mistakes twice. Well I haven't made these mistakes yet but it feels like I did.
Returning to my room I take out my journal and start from the beginning. I am in Sunnydale and things have started to go sour between me and Buffy. A new Watcher comes to town claiming to be mine; a Ms. Gwendolyn Post. She betrays me and in turn gets me to betray Buffy who has already betrayed me and her friends. All of that was rather confusing. Yet according to my dream Buffy is hiding Angel in the mansion where she killed him. Ms. Post is looking for the Glove of Myneghon and Angel finds it first. I fight Buffy thinking she is only trying to help her boyfriend who is really trying to end the world. In truth Ms. Post is the bad guy who wants the glove to become all powerful. I feel this event will be the test. If this comes to pass then I know all the terrible things I have seen will also come.
I make sure to note down the rest not just the start of my own tragic fall because I found it to be very tragic. The even with Post was the beginning. The rest only gets worse. I kill a man. It was an accident to say the least but it does not deter from the fact that I killed a man. A Mr. Allen Finch will be thrown to me by Buffy and meet his end at the end of my stake. I can still feel the blood pooling over the stake and onto my hands. Next comes the small series of betrayals not only from Buffy and her little friends but also from me. I end up working for the mayor of Sunnydale who is evil and trying to destroy the world.
Buffy nearly kills me to save her boy toy that leaves her anyway. So what was the point of saving him I wonder? Anyways back to the point I end up in a coma which lasts eight months, wake up with revenge on my mind and use a trinket from the mayor to switch bodies with Buffy. Overall the end result was not pretty. After switching back into my own body I run for L.A get a contract to kill Angel and commit a couple of acts of violence on others. To make matters a little worse I torture a man named Wesley for several hours. My attempt to kill myself via Angel fails and I turn myself into the authorities after the Council of watchers fail at their attempt to hunt me down.
For nearly three years I rot away in a prison cell without much contact from the outside world. I do break out to save Angel who has turned into Angelus yet again. I write down as much as I remember not just the bare facts. I make sure to include any times and dates that I am able to recall. This record may prove useful even if I alter the events.
If what my dream showed me is any indication of what my life will be like if I stay here than I would rather not stay here. I know why I turn against them. It's such a stupid reason and I would rather not go through it again. I love Buffy Summers and it is obvious that she will never love me. That she would rather turn against me again and again rather than take the time to get to know me. She will never accept me or see beyond the façade I have created for my own protection. Since this will be the case I would rather not be here to suffer through her disdain and hatred. It is bad enough to suffer through unrequited love, it is even worse to be hated and despised by the person you love. I saw no happy ending for myself in that future. The only thing I saw was the inside of a cell for the rest of my youth.
Opening the curtains I look out into the parking lot of Motel Sunnydale. It's a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining as it always seems to do in this town. The sky is clear. It feels like the world should reflect what I feel and thankfully it doesn't. Getting dressed I make my way to the high school. Strangely I am debating whether or not to tell Giles about my dream. If I was still with Kate I would have told her immediately but Giles isn't Kate. In the dream I had no reason to trust any of them and as far as I know them now I still don't. I don't think he would believe me even if I did tell him.
Entering the school I marvel still that no one even bothers to see or check if I am a student. They just blindly accept the fact that I am here. No wonder so many people die in this town every year; they are all a bunch of morons. Not to be darwinistic but these people almost deserve to die. Survival of the fittest and these dolts obviously have not survival instinct.
The library is empty except for Giles when I arrive. I suppose it should be empty since they all have class and it is nine in the morning. A small part of me feels a twinge of regret that she isn't here. I am a sad pathetic sap. To think I am happy at the mere sight of her. Then again I don't think I will be so happy to see her considering everything that is going to happen.
Giles acknowledges me with a nod and I am surprised that he isn't even bothering to question why I am there. It's these small little moments that remind me that I am not wanted. It's seems so much more obvious when looking at it all through the eyes of the older me. I have lived four extra years without actually living them. I feel a little too philosophical at this point. I wish I could question him about my dreams but it would only lead to me having to either make up a dream or tell him the truth. I would rather not waste my time. Going to the computer in the back of the library I open up the internet and start planning for the future or possible future.
Looking through colleges takes up the majority of my day. I apply to several throughout the country but the one that appeals to me that most is University of Texas in Austin. It's close to Sunnydale but not too close. I don't want to be here if what I dream was to be a reality. The voices of Willow and Xander walking into the library have me rushing to close everything out and clear out my search history. I don't think Willow would look or connect it to me but better safe than sorry.
Walking out from behind the stacks I take a seat and wait for the little Scooby meeting to begin. The two friends merely nod at me versus taking the time to say hi. Instead they stay engrossed in their conversation about god knows what. Part of me wants to try to be friends with these people and the other part remembers the dream. To them I am merely an extension of Buffy. I exist for the sole purpose of helping Buffy with her burden. As if I do not carry the same burden. As if I have not suffered as much as she has. They know nothing of what I have gone through nor have they ever really tried to learn.
Oz and Cordelia walk in soon after. Oz goes straight to Willow giving her a peck on the forehead while Cordelia sits next to me. Strange to think that out of all these people the one who is supposedly self absorbed has actually taken the time to see me. This girl who I would never have thought to become friends with has taken the time to get to know me. Out of everybody here she is the one I think I will miss the most.
"Hey you look like you are having some very deep thoughts today." She whispers into my ear. Her breath gives me the shivers and I swear if she wasn't dating Xander I would be after her like a hound in heat. I may love Buffy but I want Cordelia. Sometimes I wish I had fallen in love with her instead.
"You know me Cor I don't have any thoughts let alone deep ones." I tell her with a self deprecating smile.
"Yeah you may lie to the world but you can never lie to me." She tells me with a small poke at my ribs. Straightening up I pull away from her and take a good look at her. She's right I would tell her everything and yet I didn't. In my dream I pulled away from her not wanting her to see what I had done. I made her hate me and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
"I'll tell ya later Cor I promise." I tell her while letting my body relax back into a slouch.
"Why not tell me now?"
"You know why Cor. Come out to dinner with me tonight and I'll tell ya whatever you want to know."
"Faith is this your way of getting me to go out on a date with you?" She asks with a coy smile. Returning her previous poke I just smile and shake my head. "Fine I'll go out with you tonight but you're paying." She tells me with a pointed nod. I love an assertive woman.
Turning my attention to the door I wait for what my body has told me is coming. There she is in all her golden glory; Buffy Summers. My heart sings with joy while skipping a beat. My body and mind on the other hand merely recoil. I remember the look in her eye as she plunged my own knife into my stomach. Clutching my stomach I feel it all over again. I feel the knife sliding deep into me. I feel the betrayal, the shock, and the pain. It's intense and leaves me bent over my head being held up by the table and my breathe coming out in harsh pants. I am on the roof again instead of in the library.
"Faith, oh my god, Faith what is it? What's wrong?" I feel Cordelia say next to me. Her hands are lightly fluttering on my back as if wanting to touch me but afraid to hurt me.
Catching my breath I look back up into her chocolate eyes and wonder why I fell in love with the wrong girl. "I need to go. I'll pick you up tonight at six." Getting up I ignore the looks I get from the rest of the gang.
"Faith remember that you have to meet Buffy and me at Lustrum tonight at 8pm. I expect you to be at the gates waiting for us." I hear Giles call out behind me.