Attack of the Crusher Bulldogs from Jupiter

Chicago, Illinois had every right to be proud. The Biker Mice from Mars had made themselves a force to be reckoned with, and with their rock band, the Martian Freedom Fighters, topping the charts for the 42nd consecutive week, America was experiencing what it was like to rock and ride. They had also made allies with the Surfer Cats from Saturn in various battles, and were hoping to make more. Right now, the Surfer Cats were vacationing in Panama City Beach, Florida, a city where the Biker Mice were hoping to go on their next vacation (and possibly do a show for the people down there).

What the Mice had no idea of was how much they were going to feel when a new enemy added themselves to the mix. The Plutarkians, Catatonians, and Ronaldo Rump had been a pain in the butt as it was. But why were those three accused of plots of conquering Earth? The Plutarkians just wanted their resources, and Rump wanted to be rich. It was becoming clearer and clearer, however, that Hairball, the Catatonian Commander, was becoming more and more like Adolf Hitler (or Joseph Stalin, depending on how you look at it). The Pit Boss was still at large. So what could this new enemy be?

I'll tell you who they are. They are the Crusher Bulldogs from Jupiter. These bulldogs have deserted their planet simply to come to Earth and conquer it in the name of Bully, their sun god.

The bulldogs were led by General Braticus, Jupiter's equivalent to Hairball. Their population was about one tenth of the entire mice population on Mars. Their only purpose was destruction. So, even the Plutarkians would be wiped out under these dogs.

Fortunately, while studying Jupiter from satellite probes, NASA learned of this and alerted the country. This led the Biker Mice to prepare a counterattack on the dogs' arrival. "Oh, man!" Vinnie was heard to say during a Sunday morning joyride. "So that adds another enemy to the mix and it's cramping my style! Why does there always have to be something to buzz-kill a nice Sunday morning joyride?"

"Well, you better consider getting over it, amigo," Throttle replied. "The U.S. of A. is counting on us to stop them from attacking. I have a feeling we may need some help on this one."

"Yeah, but why is my tracker picking up tetrahydrocarbons?" Modo spoke up, showing his radar was indeed picking up signs of those.

"Don't know, bro," said Throttle. "Let's go check it out." The bros rode on towards the spot. When they got there, as one might have guessed, there was Stoker looking at the tetrahydrocarbons. There was one strange difference, however: these tetrahydrocarbons weren't red. Some were yellow and some were green, and Stoker wasn't the rampaging rat-beast people were expecting to see!

"Stoker, bro!" Vinnie called. "What's going on?"

"Oh, hey, soldiers," Stoker began. "I'm picking up these green and yellow tetrahydrocarbons for my Regenerator. I think they'll work just as well as the red ones, only better. Plus, something strange is happening. I'm not turning into that rat-beast even though it's a bright and sunny day. I feel empowered. I feel like I'm a superhero. These green and yellow tetrahydrocarbons are overriding the effect on the red ones had on me permanently, so I'm glad that's the case."

"I can see that, bro," Throttle replied. "Our radar picked up the scan and we thought we'd check it out. But we can see it's just tetrahydrocarbons. Do they come in other colors?"

"No, just green, red, and yellow. I've already sent word to Carbine, Harley, and Mace about this, seeing as how they're part of our rock band. Has your friend Charley heard about this yet?"

"Not yet, but she will now," said Vinnie, motioning towards Charley, who was approaching on her bike. She came to a stop and took off her helmet. "Hey, you guys," she spoke up. "My radar was acting crazy, and it took me to this very spot. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"Hello, Charley, ma'am," said Modo. "Stoker here is picking up green and yellow tetrahydrocarbons for the Regenerator. Apparently, they work just as well or possibly even better than the red ones."

"For this reason," Stoker added, "I'm not turning into that rat-beast I usually turn into when the sunlight hits my body. Instead it seems to be giving me those typical superhero powers of flight, super-macho strength, and X-ray vision. I thought having a bionic tail was hard enough. But as I told Carbine, it's for the better. You Biker Mice think you can help me detect some more of these green and yellow tetrahydrocarbons?"

"We'd be happy to, bro," said Vinnie, "but we're sort of in a jam right now. These so-called Crusher Bulldogs from Jupiter are coming to attack the planet, and the USA is counting on us. Even the military is leaving it up to us. Your superpowers just might come in handy. All you need is a cape and a costume to go with it."

"I don't know about the costume, but I'm sure a cape will do just fine. It'll be a new challenge for me, that's for sure." Stoker had just finished his sentence when the tramp of marching feet and the beating of drums perked up in the distance. "Who could that be?" he wondered aloud.

Throttle took a look with his helmet's tracking sensors that sometimes acted like binoculars. "Oh, the bulldogs haven't arrived yet. That's just Leo the Patriotic Lion arresting a bunch of Clawtroopers. I guess he wanted to get into the act with a little historical nostalgia. He's always asking for a drumbeat, and he ain't even a rock star like us."

"He takes his military band life very seriously, as does his friend Tom the Patriotic Tiger," Modo commented. "He told me they both earned their nicknames of theirs from a critic who praised them for taking a stand when others refused to do so. That was before we crash-landed in the scoreboard at Quigley Field. Now they've got us to stand by them."

The escort parade continued, and the Mice and Charley took note of how Leo was actually holding up a rifle with some other military lions as they escorted the Clawtroopers to jail. Tom the Patriotic Tiger and some of his fellow bandsmen were the ones providing the percussion.

Later that night, Leo and Tom spoke with the Mice and Charley (with some others) at the Last Chance Garage, explaining what had happened. "The police had put them under arrest and they contacted me to be the one to lead them to the jail they were stationed in," Leo put in. "When we passed by you, we couldn't just stop to talk to you then. It would not be according to laws."

"Well, you were just doing your job," said Modo. "I wondered if you and your tiger friend have any idea of the next War of the Worlds that's about to begin. These so-called Crusher Bulldogs from Jupiter are the ones that are going to attack. NASA informed the government, and the military called on the Biker Mice to stop the attack. They'd prefer you don't have anything to do with it, but they don't want to argue with you and your reputation as a motivational speaker that's turned this country inside-out and upside-down."

"Alas, there's no respect for the mighty these days," Leo replied. "But of course, I'd be the last to resist the authority of law and order. Now, what's your strategy?"

"We feel that there's got to be a means of ambush they're going to try and do to us," Throttle put in as he pulled out a map. "Now the bulldogs are going to come in at an angle very shallow to what would otherwise be expected the Apollo 13 mission returning from its unsuccessful attempt at getting home from the moon. These dogs are armed with mostly weapons you'd probably expect to see from Adolf Hitler's Nazis, since they behave exactly like them. It'll be like World War II all over again, in a sense. We'll have to counterattack from the ground, but we've got the weapons they don't have."

"I see what you mean," said Leo. "All I can do is wish you the best of luck as you tackle this breed of canine do-badders."

Several minutes after Leo left, a communications signal popped up on the screen of Charley's computer. "Martian Army to Earth," came Carbine's voice from the other side. "Come in! This is General Carbine. I'm currently with Harley and Mace at the landing site where these bulldogs are coming in and I need you here pronto."

"We're on it, General," Throttle responded with the authority he was known to have. "Bros, Charley, Stoker, this is major. Let's rock…"

"…and RIDE!" everyone finished, running to their respective bikes. They donned their helmets, gunned the engines, and raced to the scene. The scene was Area 76, an abandoned military based now used for the sake of Martian Mice who found a way to land safely. After the 2-3 million mice who were forced to abandon Mars used Area 76, it became certified for that purpose.

Stoker also used parts of it as his lab where he was working on his current Regenerator. He previously had built two other Regenerators, one while Ronaldo Rump had him captive, and one while Carbine ordered him to build one for the sake of terraforming Mars. The Catatonians got to that one first and tried to use it, but the resulting explosions killed Cataclysm and got Hairball sent to Alcatraz. So, it was a victory in defeat. (Let me rest assured you that with Leo's help, the Catatonians would not get this Regenerator.) Stoker's new one not only would help terraform Mars, it would possibly guarantee some of the Mice the right to return home to their own planet where they belonged. The Biker Mice, Stoker, Carbine, Harley, and Mace would continue to be on Earth for the sake of the rock band, and the Surfer Cats would do likewise (except for the fact they didn't have a rock band of their own; they did, however, produce some of the music videos).

The Mice arrived at Area 76, and Carbine was waiting for them. "Okay," she said. "I know these bulldogs want to take over the planet at the very least, and I know NASA has asked us to do something about it. I've got Harley and Mace with me and they have the necessary weapons I'm asking for. The question is: do you?"

"We hope so," said Modo. "Charley, ma'am, here has been working on adding some more to our bikes."

"How's that coming along, Charley?"

"I'm almost finished, Carbine. There's just one little catch, though. I had to alter the systems so that the boys could also help Stoker collect those green and yellow tetrahydrocarbons. Once they start battling the dogs, the tetrahydrocarbon collectors won't stabilize until enough are collected. This could be a problem, so I've asked the mayor to evacuate everyone to safety."

"It might not be," Stoker spoke up. "I've collected a few more than enough tetrahydrocarbons by this point to get the Regenerator operational. All I have to do now is get it to where it's a rechargeable type of device. That way I don't have to build a new one every time, like I did when you wanted me to help terraform Mars against the Catatonian Empire."

"Well, I'm sorry that it turned out disastrous."

"But at least it was Cataclysm who died, not the Biker Mice. I think it was actually him calling the shots in their quest to get the Regenerator, not Hairball."

"Hairball was a bit of a pushover," Modo spoke up. "Even Leo the Patriotic Lion was saying so. I don't think he's going to help us, though. But I can tell you, General Carbine, ma'am, that the dogs have stealth devices from what my bike's radar trackers were saying. So, we won't be able to hear them."

"So what does that mean?" Harley asked.

"Looks like we're going to have to be on guard continuously," Throttle replied. "For some reason, I never get tired anymore. I can go on for several 24-hour periods straight without stopping or getting to sleep. I do take rests, because it's healthier to do so."

"I feel the same way," said Vinnie. "I can enjoy the rush, and often, I do. Oh, man! The Bridge to Nowhere is the baddest motorcycle jump on this side of the rad States! I love being a daredevil!"

"Well, guess what?" Carbine replied. "You're going to have to be a daredevil in this attack. Some of the weak spots from their aircraft can only be hit if you're flying high in the sky."

"I can do that!" Vinnie smiled. "What a rush! What a battle this is going to be! Where's my American flag?" (The Biker Mice had a habit of carrying small American flags with them, showing their love for the USA.)

"Power to the patriotic!" Mace shouted. "YEAH!" everyone added, raising their arms in a triumphant manner.

The day of the bulldogs' arrival, two days later, was a quiet one. This was due to the fact they were using stealth devices to enter the Earth's atmosphere. General Braticus, in his uniform, was just angry as ever. "All right, dogs," he said. "Our stealth system worked. They don't know we're coming. As soon as the time is right, let them have it! Show no mercy, and take no prisoners! Eradicate this planet of all its life, just like you did with Pluto! Then all we have to do is wipe out Mars and those Plutarkian stink fish, and the galaxy is ours!"

"Doesn't make sense, does it?" Stoker commented while listening to the message through one of his secret communication trackers. "If the dogs eradicated all life in the galaxy to conquer it, there'd be nothing to rule. It's an oxymoron if you ask me."

"The only good thing out of it is that Plutark, the Catatonians, and Ronaldo Rump would be gone, but they'd also be victims of an even greater force of evil," Vinnie replied. "I am not teaming up with any of those!"

"Thanks for your loyalty, Vincent," Throttle chuckled. "I'm just glad everyone's been evacuated to safety. Those dogs have no idea we've been spying on them in return." He turned to Mace. "Ready with the blaster, bro?"

"Oh, I'm readier than you can imagine," said Mace. "Bring it on!"

"Then it's time to rock…" Throttle shouted, beginning the battle cry again.

"…and RIDE!" everyone finished, running to their bikes, gunning the engines, and racing to the scene of the crime, which, as if you couldn't figure it out, was Area 76. The dogs exited their main ship and saw to it more reinforcements were coming. When Braticus gave the signal, the dogs unleashed their wrath as told, by means of bombing and indoor infantry attacks. What puzzled the dogs was how there was no one there to scream in agony. "What?" the snobby general was heard to remark. "We ended up in a ghost town! Not fair! Oh, well; destroy the city anyway!"

"Uh, put a fork on that, general," said one of the Lt. Generals. "Incoming!" His remark was directed towards the sky attacks of laser fire coming from Vinnie's biker after Vinnie propelled himself off the very motorcycle jump he was describing earlier. Laser fire proved to be deadly on the ships.

"What's the matter?" Vinnie taunted. "Haven't been out to the doghouse in a week?" He laughed his signature triumphant laugh and continue attacking as instructed.

"That's our Vinnie!" Modo laughed as he and Throttle watched from below.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm. Crazy kid!" Throttle shook his head in amusement. "But lots of style."

"You ready to do ground battle?"

"Ready when you are." Throttle turned on his walkie-talkie. "Okay, Mace. Charge in with the blaster!"

"Roger!" Mace and Stoker proceeded to run to the top of an abandoned apartment building and fire on the ground trooper dogs. Mace had his rocket launcher-style blaster, and Stoker was armed with a shotgun. Charley, Harley, and Carbine, imitating "Charlie's Angels," used pistols on their attacks.

While the battle was an all-around back-and-forth battle, meaning there were parts where it was going in the favor of the dogs and other parts in the favor of the Mice and Charley, it was worthy of having a witness: Leo the Patriotic Lion was watching from the safety from the apartment building Mace and Stoker were on top off, from the top floor. "Yep," he said to himself. "January 14th is a date that will live in history forever. Let it be known by every man, woman, and child in this world that the Biker Mice from Mars and their compatriots are heroes that will go down inscribed in the history books of this country! All for one and one for all; all for the Stars and Stripes!" He called the nation's top newspapers and informed them of what was happening, then gave NASA a call.

A serious turning point that made the battle in favor of the Mice was when Throttle's bike's weapons made a serious dent in the bulldogs' mothership, so that it couldn't escape when General Braticus called for a retreat, saying, "Beat it, dogs! These Mice are too good for us!"

"Problem, General," said the Lt. General who replied earlier. "We can't take off. Those meddling mice have made a serious dent in our ship. We're permanently grounded!"

"Drat!" Braticus screamed. "We we're so close, I could almost taste it! I want order in this town! I want it dead! It's order I ask for in my court!"

"Your bogus court is adjourned, Barker Mason!" Charley sneered back. "The Mice and I are throwing you in the slammer!" She and Carbine grabbed him and pinned him to the wall as Leo made his way down to the ground level. "How's it coming, girls?" he asked.

"Well, it'll take a while to capture or finish off everybody, Leo," said Carbine. "The good news is that we've got the Supreme Commander captive, at least until he escapes from our grasp. And we did it all without your help, but I'm not sure the public is going to be satisfied if you don't help us."

"There's nothing I could have done," Leo replied. "Alas, these dogs are from Jupiter. They don't know of my reputation of making stirring speeches radically changing this country inside-out and upside-down."

"I have," said Braticus. "Is it true you are the one they call Leo the Patriotic Lion?"

"I am he," Leo replied with authority. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I surrender, but my troops will fight to the death," Braticus confessed. "I never thought I was going to have to face you! You are such an almighty lion!"

"I get that all the time," Leo replied. "The only role I have in this battle is to tell you that you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court."

Meanwhile, the Biker Mice continued to take out troops with their own heavy artillery and sophisticated strategy; Throttle and Vinnie used pistols to take some dogs prisoner after capturing them while Modo relied on his bionic arm. Mace and Stoker jumped off the apartment building when the time was right and parachuted down to safety before taking some more troops prisoner. Harley had a few tricks of her own up her sleeve as she set up traps and successfully lured them in.

The beauty of this battle is that it all took place in the morning and ended precisely at 10:17 a.m., just as Carbine wanted it. As soon as the dogs all were sent off to jail and/or executioner's row, the city began filing back in to their respective places and were happy to be back. They weren't happy to do clean up routines at first, but when Leo made his presence known in a victory speech of praise to the Biker Mice, the citizens were proud to do community service.

As for the Biker Mice, Stoker, Charley, Harley, Carbine, and Mace, they spent the next part of their day looking for a place to eat lunch, and several nights later, they performed their next rock band show for the public. Nothing says "Victory!" like a rock concert if you ask me. It was their biggest moneymaking show to date; I guarantee it!


Biker Mice From Mars © Rick Ungar, Tom Tataranowicz, Tom Tataranowicz Animation, Brentwood Television Funnies, and everyone else who owns the rights.

Leo the Patriotic Lion © me