Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

"You pathetic, pomadratic poltroons!" Limburger screamed as he swatted his henchmen with his cane. "Can't anybody do anything around here? Must I have to do everything myself?" He continued to beat them mercilessly as he expressed his anger towards Grease Pit and Karbunkle. They proved to be no help at all to him, and the only thing he wanted to do was beat them up. Then he took some cleaning supplies to rid his carpets of Grease Pit's oozes. But since he didn't want to spend the money to keep rebuilding his tower with the Biker Mice continually destroying it, he just used an abandoned house for the time being.

"It's cheaper," he said to himself as he put the finishing touches on the house. "And it's less stressful with Lord Camembert having been sentenced to death in the electric chair. No longer can he be mad, and now I am free to do my fellow Plutarkian stink fish proud. It also helps I've got the over-reactive nephew of one of those bothersome Biker Mice captive. Since they're bound to try and rescue him, I'll be ready."

How did Limburger take Rimfire captive, you ask? Well, the other night, when everybody was fast asleep, he snuck in and grabbed Rimfire, similar to how the G-52 enemy, the Quarrelsome Quartet, used to capture a few of Leo the Patriotic Lion's colleagues. It wasn't until the next day the forces of justice found out. But what Limburger had forgotten was that just like his uncle Modo, Rimfire was a professional at whipping some tail.

Limburger decided to wake Rimfire up by dumping a bucket of water on his head. Rimfire shook his head to get it out of him, then said, "Go dump water on your own partners, you space scum! You need the bath more than me!"

"Oh, you could tell?" Limburger replied, pretending he hadn't noticed his smell was offensive to Rimfire. "I must have the air conditioning repaired at once. Now that I've got you captive, however, I can proceed with step two of my bodacious plan to eradicate those bothersome Biker Mice."

"I don't know what murderous murder scheme you are cooking up, but you leave my uncle Modo out of it!" Rimfire protested.

"Uncle Modo?" Limburger exclaimed. "So those stalkers were right. You are from the same championship stock. This is going to be more challenging than I thought. What is the best way to eliminate those preposterous Biker Mice without going to jail for murder, and especially without that loudmouth lion in the golden armor they call Leo the Patriotic Lion alongside the mice? What an ugly name for a big cat!"

Having been inspired by Leo to take a whole new attitude towards America, life, liberty, and the pursuit of all who threaten it, Rimfire continued to show his anger towards the ever-hated stink fish who ultimately wanted to destroy the earth. He also came to the correct assumption that Limburger was planning to murder Leo in some way, some form, somehow.

"Now," Limburger continued, "the next thing for you to do to be part of my plan is to be a bull's-eye target for those mice."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Rimfire replied, using his tail to free himself from Limburger's trap just like he did with the stalkers, "but this target…IS GOING TO PLAY HARD TO HIT!" He leaped in the air with his trademark daredevil moves, drew a pistol, and started firing on the hideout.

"AAAH!" Limburger screamed, not expecting this. "Battle stations! Battle stations!"

Since Karbunkle and Grease Pit were all tied up in another room so that they wouldn't interfere with his plans, Limburger relied on his endless supply of goons, who didn't do any better, but he tolerated their incompetence because of most of the time it was Grease Pit's fault (or to a lesser extent it was Karbunkle's fault). No matter how hard his goons tried, Rimfire was impossible to stop. When it was safe to do so, he pulled out his small American flag (something he and the Biker Mice had been carrying ever since they met Leo) and displayed it, scaring some of the goons (and subsequently giving them nightmares for years to come).

By the time Rimfire made it safely to home base, Throttle, Modo, and Vinnie were talking to Charley and Leo about it. They learned of his disappearance and had no idea what to do about it, but then Modo remembered that his nephew could handle himself. "See what I mean?" Modo commented. "He can do it!"

"That's a relief," Throttle replied. "We were a bit worried about you, bro."

"What a rush! Give me five!" Vinnie laughed triumphantly as Rimfire high-fived him.

"What did you find out while you were in custody?" Charley asked.

"I found out I was able to foil Limburger's plan," Rimfire replied. "He must've snuck in and captured when you were asleep or your backs were otherwise turned."

"I've been there," Leo spoke up.

"Anyway, he was going to use me as bait to kill you, and ultimately kill Leo. Leo, that's not the first time, is it?" Rimfire continued.

"It is not, soldier," Leo replied. "As a great American hero, I've had plenty of death threats, but mostly from terrorists of either our enemy, the Quarrelsome Quartet, or groups like al-Qaeda, who seems to be losing their touch since I came around with my campaign. They are powerless to stop me. In the meantime, I feel I should let you take care of Limburger. You know how to handle him. I don't."

"I hear you, bro," Throttle replied. "Okay, you motorcycle madmen. It's time to ROCK…"

"…and RIDE!" everyone shouted, jumping on their motorcycles, gunning the engines, and racing out the door. Charley, panicking at the sight, ran to the garage door and opened it so that it got fully open just in the nick of time. Rimfire waited for the door to be open before blasting off.

"I've just got to teach them the etiquette of leaving a room!" she sighed. "At least Rimfire knows better." She shook her head.

When our heroic trio reached Limburger's current hideout, they couldn't tell it was him. At least not until the smell of oil came within their noses. "He's hiding in that dump over there!" Rimfire pointed out.

"Since when has he been using this?" Vinnie protested. "Where's his tower?"

"I think he quit that. He's so sick of you destroying it, so what's the point of rebuilding it every time? You know what I'm saying?"

"You got a point there, Rimfire," Modo replied. "Oh, well; what the heck? Let's take it down!"

This would mark the first time in a long time the mice would see Karbunkle again, because the last time they saw him was when Lord Camembert had banished Limburger from Earth forever. But since Lord Camembert died in the electric chair (which happened, if you were wondering, when an intergalactic race of law-enforcing lions and tigers captured him on his return trip, in the same surprise style seen in the Turrican games when the Machine suddenly appeared and took over various planets in that solar system; the Machine also destroyed everybody but one member of Col. Striker's crew, and that one member successfully took his revenge and saved the galaxy from the Machine), Limburger felt it was safe to come back, which it was from his viewpoint, but not from the U.S. of A.'s viewpoints. As Leo put it in a public service ad, "It doesn't matter if you are Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, or independent. It doesn't matter if you are young or old. It doesn't matter if you are American, Canadian, British, Australian, Belgian, Italian, German, French, Mexican, or whatever. You cannot let Limburger do his dirty deeds and destroy the human race. It's time to take a stand and put aside our difference! It's time to unite in the fight for freedom!"

"Karbunkle!" Modo exclaimed in anger.

"Yes, my boy!" Karbunkle replied, not realizing he and Modo had gone through this routine.

"Oh, I remember, all right!" Modo replied back as eye began to glow with rage. Not even Throttle and Vinnie noticed this was an accidental scripted repeat. "Oh, I remember how you took my arm. But I got me another one!" He pointed it at Karbunkle.

"Pretty interesting invention," Karbunkle replied, pretending he had not one single idea about the arm. He brought out another squadron of goons, but the mice were prepared.

It was a long, exhausting battle, but you can be rest assured that the forces of good came out victorious in the end, and this became evident when Rimfire whipped tail once again, unmasking Limburger's face and revealing his fish face. Then a shot from his pistol brought the ceiling down. It didn't take long for the police to put Limburger and his henchmen back in custody, since they emerged from the rubbish five minutes later, too weary to fight back. The police put on masks to protect themselves and extra padding on their squad cars to keep them and the cars pure from the stink of Limburger's body odor.

Rimfire triumphantly raised his arms after doing a daredevil move off a jump made from the broken Lioncanka bridge, landing and stopping in front of the Last Chance Garage, which attracted a crowd; the crowd promptly began to applaud and whistle. "Yeah!" Vinnie exclaimed after laughing his trademark laugh of triumph. "You the mouse!"

"You sure are proving to be one heck of a soldier!" Leo proclaimed.

"No stopping you now!" Modo added. "Keep it up!"

"What do you say we get some dogs and root beer to celebrate?" Throttle added.

"You bet!" Rimfire smiled, giving a thumbs-up. "It is always worth it!"


Biker Mice From Mars © Rick Ungar, Tom Tataranowicz, Tom Tataranowicz Animation, Brentwood Television Funnies, and everyone else who owns the rights.

Turrican © Manfred Trenz and Rainbow Arts

Leo the Patriotic Lion © me