(A/N): I may or may not continue with this fic, but as I have done nearly all of these things at one time or another, I thought it only proper to compile a list of the funniest should-nots for fangirls and boys. This chapter is from the POV of a school headmaster, who has had a rather harrowing experience with fandoms and all the lovely people involved. :D You know what I mean.
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Things Fangirls and Fanboys Should Not Do: School Edition
1. I will not write "I believe in Sherlock Holmes," on my desk in permanent marker.
-1b. Nor will I write "Moriarty was Real."
-1c. The same goes for "Andersaur = my OTP."
2. I will not salt the doorway of my classroom before the professor arrives on exam day.
3. I will not duel on Pottermore during a test.
4. Professor Wilkes is not Gandalf. Confronting him on his way to the bathroom and shouting "You shall not pass!"
is extremely disrespectful to both Professor Wilkes AND J.R.R. Tolkien, who I cannot imagine would want his literature to be used to insult well-meaning educators.
5. I am not a "Time Lord." If I fail to complete a homework assignment, I will not tell my professor that I'll do it yesterday.
-5b. And despite the rumours that have been circulating, the broom closet on the third floor is not a TARDIS. Whomever locked Roger Feyback inside shall be severely punished; he remained trapped in the closet for seven hours and experienced a moderately serious psychotic break.
6. If I am late to class, I will not say it was because I had to slay a few demons beforehand.
7. I will not wear a shirt that says "I fart in your general direction."
8. Carrying salt, iron, rosaries and a Bible on my personage at all times is not necessary.
9. I will not erect a shrine in the corridor with blown up photographs of Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat.
10. If any of the following words: angel, rose, fall, always, hedgehog, cheekbones, screwdriver, or pie cause me to spontaneously dissolve into tears, I WILL seek therapy.
11. I will not write "Dumble" on doors.
12. I will not skip my classes because I am having a "rather bad case of the feels."
13. I will not tap my pencil three bricks up and two over from the trash can by the main entrance just to see what happens.
14. If I am studying forestry, I will not start comparing branches to see which one would make better wand wood.
15. I will not carve IOU in my apple at lunch then drop it on the floor and leave it there. Professor Hester nearly broke her neck.
16. If I am particularly upset at a bad grade, I will not tell my fellow students that I really feel like doing a Reichenbach.
17. I will not tell Professor Wilkes that Middle Earth is a steaming pile of shite without him.
18. I will not write fanfiction on the bathroom stalls.
19. If I am discovered roleplaying in the Great Hall on Pottermore during an exam, I will not pretend to be a Weeping Angel.
20. I will not try to perform an exorcism on a classmate who "annoys me."
21. When a teacher answers a question, I will not shout "Wrong!"
-21b. Having not done that, I will not answer my teachers' questions with "Dull."
22. Benedict Cumberbatch is not, in fact, a deity.
-22(1)b. The same goes for Martin Freeman.
23. I will not style my hair like David Tennant. Again, I am not a Time Lord nor a punk rocker.
24. Wearing a shirt that says, "No shirt, Sherlock," is not amusing.
25. I will not dig my own personal hobbit hole on the grounds.
-25b. Even if older students are doing so.
26. When asked to write an essay about a life changing event, I will not reference Tumblr.
27. I will not ship headmaster/groundskeeper.
28. The chemistry lab is not for potion making.
29. I will not persuade the entire football team to sing "Misty Mountains," during their post-practice shower.
30. I will not try to get out of detention by telling my professor that I hope they live long and prosper.
-30b. The hand gesture doesn't help.
31. My pen is not a light saber and I will not use it as such.
32. I will not impersonate Andy Serkis when asked to read a passage of a textbook aloud.
33. I will not ask my drama teacher to do "Fandom of the Opera," for the upcoming school musical.
34. I will not turn up the collar of my uniform to make me look cool.
35. I will not rub my left forearm when I am angry.
36. I will not reference shipping to my professors unless it has to do with postal service.
37. Whoever thought it was amusing to write "Keep Calm and Marry Ron," on the history classroom blackboard shall be thoroughly reprimanded.
38. I will not answer every maths question with 221.
39. I will not wear a bow tie with my uniform.
40. I will not convince younger students that if they blink in the presence of the headmaster, said headmaster will brutally attack them.
41. Spontaneous quidditch games in the halls or on the grounds are wholly unacceptable.
-41b. As is scribbling made-up spells and potion instructions in old textbooks.
42. I will not deduce my classmate's life story based on the scuff mark on his left trainer.
43. A textbook is not an angel tablet. I will not put mine in "safekeeping" for an indefinite period of time.
44. I will not shout "Vatican cameos!" in the middle of a crowded corridor to see who dives for cover.
45. I will not inform the staff that the Shepard's pie looks like Mordor.
46. I will not play the Bee Gee's during class.
47. I will not refer to Professor Caines as "Mad-Eye Moody," because of his lazy eye.
48. I will not come to school wearing nothing but a bed sheet.
49. I will not convince the culinary club to bake a) cauldron cakes, or b) Mirkwood cookies.
50. If my teacher asks me to answer a question, I will not say: "Not my division."
51. If assigned to do a project on one of the planet's ecosystems, I will not make a diorama of Middle Earth.
52. I will not flush a toilet whilst standing in it.
53. I will not use history class as a time to discuss the merits of each Doctor.
-53b. Having not done this, I will also not disrespect my fellow students' opinions. Sheila Greeve carved "Matt Smith" into her forearm with the tip of a sharpened pencil, while Dan Hicks refused to come out of a cupboard until Greeve acknowledged Christopher Eccleston's "gentle brilliance." This is disturbing in many ways; please seek professional help.
54. Textbooks are not horcruxes, either. I will not destroy them.
55. I will not set fire to the school on the grounds that it was, "just an experiment."
56. I will not play YouTube AC/DC playlists during class.
57. If I insist on writing inappropriately racy articles for the school paper, I will not do so under Richard Brook.
58. I will not answer every question in French class with, "Allons-y!"
59. I will not make a wand out of my chair leg.
-59b. Or any other cylindrical wooden material within the perimeter of the school. Professor Hester would really like her cane back.
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Well there you go...I hope this gave you a laugh. :)
Fandoms mentioned/implied/alluded to:
-The Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit