I woke up to an empty bed and after rubbing my eyes as if to remove the morning after haze that had my brain running in circles, I looked again to the vacant spot next to me. The night before had been rushed and messy and exciting and full of want and need. I knew it wasn't going to be a thing now. I guess I just wasn't expecting her to be gone before I even woke up.

After round two, which I initiated, she had fallen asleep and I couldn't seem to keep my eyes closed. I decided that it wasn't fair that she could sleep so easily while I lay there wondering what was going to happen come morning. I guess I just figured that if this was a one-night affair, I might as well take advantage of it. She was lying on her back with one of her arms over her stomach and the other draped over the side of the bed. The sheet was just above her chest and as I rolled onto my side facing her, I pulled it down slowly so as not to wake her just yet. Luckily, the room was tepid or she would have felt an immediate chill.

I slid my hand down slowly between her legs. I hovered slightly over her as her breath hitched, but she still slept. I smiled as I took in her face. She really was beautiful. In all these years, I don't think I had ever really thought about it. My hand moved down as one of my fingers met her most sensitive spot. My breath hitched in that moment and I realized she was still wet from round two, which had taken place over an hour before. I was more confident than I had been when we had started this drunken evening. I was 100% sober by this point and I knew there was a chance she'd push my hand away, but I didn't care. I slid my finger around as she began shifting her body and I noticed her breathing had picked up its speed. I started to match it, moving my finger faster while I added another. I continued to watch her as her eyes remained closed despite the fact that she was very much awake when I slid two fingers inside her and moved myself so I was at a better angle and could begin moving them against her.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to her shoulder as I began kissing up to her earlobe. I decided that wasn't enough and I moved my body on top of hers' while kissing her neck and chest. I wanted to spend more time meeting every part of her body with my mouth, but the throbbing between my legs along with the feeling her body was giving against my fingers forced me to move quickly down to where by body was telling me it wanted to go. I look one last look up at her still closed eyes as her chest rose and fell. Her hand found the top of my head just as my tongue found her clit and starting working against it.

"Fuck!" I heard her announce loudly to the people in the next room who share a wall with this one. "God, you're good at that."

I flicked her clit one way and then the other while my fingers picked up their pace yet again. I was determined to make her feel everything since this would be our last time.

"Come up here." Her hand pulled on my hair enough to register, but not enough to hurt. I paused the efforts with my mouth, but not my fingers.

"I'm kind of busy right now." My tongue moved up and back down as I heard her quietly moan.

"I… fuck… I want you up here."

"Do you not want me to keep doing this?" I sucked her clit into my mouth and pulsed my tongue quickly against it. I felt her walls begin to clench around my fingers. I know she's close

"I want to touch you."

I looked up and met her now open eyes.

"Then, maybe you should have woken up and gone down on me."

My fingers pushed deeper and curled inside her as I felt her back arch off the bed. Her hips lifted themselves up and I moved my mouth back down to help her make this feeling last as long as possible. I slowed my movements and removed my fingers realizing that this was the last time I'd do that. I registered a feeling at that moment, but I didn't have a chance to pinpoint what it was before she was pulling me up to face her. She kissed my deeply before pulling away and smiling up at me.

"That's the best possible way to get woken up in the middle of the night."

Her arm wrapped around my neck as she pulled me in for another deep kiss, but not before dragging her tongue across my lower lip so I'd open my mouth for her. I felt her other hand move down my back and around to my stomach. I knew where she was headed and as much as I wanted her inside me again, I wanted this part to last longer. I pulled back ungracefully and sat up straddling her.

"What's wrong?" She asked with a look of panic on her now adorable face.

"Nothing. Sorry. I just…"

She leaned in and used her elbows to hold herself up.

"Did I do something?"

"No. You didn't do anything."

"Do you not want me too… cause earlier I thought… you seemed to like it. It seemed like you…"

"Oh, I did. Both times." I moved off of her and sat next to her instead. She sat up fully and looked into my eyes trying to read my expression. Truthfully, even I didn't know what she would find there. I wanted to continue. I wanted her hands all over my body, but I needed to pull myself away for some reason.

"Tell me what's wrong. You woke me up to do that and when I go to touch you, you pull away."

"It's not like that."

"Then, what's it like?"

"I just wanted to do that to you before this whole, crazy night is over. I didn't earlier so I wanted to now."

She smiled.


"And I'm very happy I did." I leaned in and kissed her gently before lying on my back. She laid back on her side facing me with her hand holding up her head. Her free hand found its way to my stomach and a solo finger moved its way from the valley between my breasts down to my belly button, which it then circled slowly as her eyes met mine.

"Are we going to be okay?"

I looked from the finger to her eyes trying to capture the emotion behind them and store it in my brain. She was so rarely like this. We had gotten into this pattern where we say we're friends, but we end up fighting most of the time and not talking the rest. We'd been through a lot together over the years, but most of the stuff we'd been through we'd shared more with others than with each other. We're just so similar sometimes that we see our flaws in the other and opt to push them away to avoid having to confront what we least like about ourselves. It's a complicated thing to have a best friend that is both so like you and so different at the same time.

On her face now was genuine concern not laced with sarcasm or disdain.

"We'll be fine." I assured her as I took my hand and it met the one she had since placed gently on my stomach. My fingers interlaced with hers' and she continued to stare down at me inquisitively.

"Are you sure because we didn't exactly think this through and I know it's not going to be a thing after tonight, but we're in a good place now, I think and I'm just worried that maybe…"

"You regret it?" Now I was worried.

"What? No. I don't regret anything that happened tonight. I'm glad this happened. I mean, I know we were drunk at first, but I don't think that's why this happened."

"I guess not." I chuckled lightly, which caused her to smile at me.

"So, why do you think it happened?"

That was a loaded question. I hesitated for a moment before leaning up to kiss her on the forehead and launching myself hastily out of the bed.

"I'm going to hop in the shower."

She looked at me from her spot on the bed and her eyes followed me as I walked toward the bathroom.

"It's like 4 in the morning."

"Is there a rule that says I can't shower at 4am?"

"No, but there is a rule that says you're stupid for turning down sex with me."

I turned to face her as I walked backwards toward the bathroom door.

"I don't recall turning you down at all and I definitely don't recall saying I wanted to shower alone."

And with that, she was rushing toward me.

I reached for the bottle of water on the bedside table and took a long drink before finally standing to stretch. I located various articles of my clothing on the floor and picked them up before shoving them unceremoniously into my suitcase. After my things, but more importantly myself, I took one last look around the room. The bed was still muffled with sheets half on the floor and pillows nowhere near where they belong. I noticed my cell charger still hooked into the wall behind the dresser. I grabbed it and shoved it into my purse when something caught my eye. Hotel stationary with an uncapped pen rested atop the dresser neither of us had used. I looked closer and noticed her handwriting.

I had to meet my mom for brunch because that's a thing that old people do. I didn't want to wake you because you had that leave me the fuck alone face while you slept. Text me when you wake up.

I smiled at her mention of my "leave me the fuck alone" face. She wasn't wrong about that one and I felt a sense of calm rush over me at the realization that she hadn't left me in a room after a drunken and later sober hook up. I wasn't just one more notch on the belt of Santana Lopez after all.

I thought about texting her right away, but I had a flight to catch. I only came back for the wedding and since that was a bust, it was time to get back to Yale. Every time I come back to Lima, it's different and the same. These little over night or weekend visits are fine every now and then, but the truth is that there's nothing really here for me anymore. I don't know what life after college holds for me yet, but I know I'm not returning to Ohio.

The flight back was short and uneventful, which was nice given my little adventure the night before. The closet sized dorm room I shared with my roommate was vacant. Jenna's in the process of pledging a sorority, which meant she was rarely in our room. It gave me some much needed space and study time with only the occasional 3am loud drunken girl entrance where she does the thing where she thinks she's whispering instead of loudly whispering and tries to avoid bumping into the desks, but runs right into it instead.

I flopped onto my twin bed without pulling back the covers and fell immediately asleep. It was my phone that woke me up with a text message notification. I reluctantly reached down to my purse, which was at the foot of the bed and pulled it out to see who it was.

Santana: Where are you?

Me: I'm in my dorm.

Santana: You're at Yale? I thought your flight was tonight.

Me: It was at 2.

Santana: Did you get my note?

Me: Yeah, thanks for that. I was worried you ran out on me for a minute.

Santana: I'd never run out on you, Q. Other girls, yes. Not you though.

I smiled at that and my thumbs hovered over the keyboard not knowing how to respond.

Santana: We're still good, right?

Me: Yes, we're still good. I just don't see the point in hanging out in Lima any longer than I have too.

Santana: I feel ya on that one. I'm out of here tomorrow morning. Only here now to hang with my mom.

Me: What about Brit? You hanging with her?

Santana: Nah. She and I are okay now. She's happy. We'll always be friends.

Me: That's mature of you.

Santana: I guess we're all growing up.

Me: You know, you could just call me instead of texting back and forth like this.

Santana: I can't now. I'm shopping with my mom. Mom/daughter bonding time or something. My flight gets into NYC around 10. I can call you when I get back to the loft.

Me: You don't have too. I just thought it would be easier than text after text.

Santana: Calling you isn't a chore, Q. I mean you annoy me most of the time, but on the phone I can always hang up.

Me: Bitch.

Santana: That's me. My mom's looking at me like she's about to stab me with her eyes and I do believe that is a superpower she has so I should put my phone away. Tomorrow?

Me: Yeah, and tell your mom I said hi.

Santana: Should I tell her what we did last night?

Me: I'll leave that one up to you.

I was studying when my phone rang and Santana's picture popped up. I put the book I was reading down in my lap and sat back further against my pillow as I answered.

"Hey, did you get in okay?"

"Yeah, flight was delayed a little, but other than that…"

She must have been moving something because I could hear rustling in the background.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Putting my suitcase on my bed in my curtained off area of this shit hole apartment."

"Santana, it's not a shit hole."

"Whatever, but it would be nice to have actual walls."

"So, move out."

"You've been to New York what twice, Fabray? Have you ever tried to find an affordable apartment in this city?"

"Hey, don't get all bitchy with me. I'm just making a suggestion. If you don't like where you live, find something else and use that money your mom gave you that was supposed to be used for college."

"I feel a lecture coming on, Q. That's got you bordering on annoying."

"So, hang up."

There was a moment of silence, but I knew she wasn't hanging up on me. Santana meant the things she said some of the time, but most of the time, I got the feeling she just like showing off her quick wit.

"I working on my life right now."

"I know."

"College didn't work out and then Brit and I didn't work out and now I'm here."

"I know."

"Stop saying you know." Her tone told me I had moved from bordering on annoying to full on annoying.

"San, I'm not judging you or telling you what to do. Do what you want. Just be happy. And it wasn't college that didn't work out. It was just that particular school at that particular time. You're allowed to change you mind when you're 19."

"So, you think I should go to a different school?"

"I think you should do what you think will get you going where you want to go."

"Vague that one up for me a little more, Q."

"Since when do you care so much about what I think?"

"I've always cared about what you think, Quinn. Why do you think we fight all the time?"

"I guess that's true."

"The guy in the apartment across the hall told me he's moving in with his girlfriend. It's a studio too, but it's smaller and it would just be for me."

"Do you think you can get it?"

"I don't know. This is the first I'm really thinking about it. I know it's not on the market yet. They've been doing the whole trial living together thing."

"Why don't you see if you can sublet it from him? That way if they break up, he'd still have his place and you'd still be able to move back in with Rachel and Kurt."

"God, leave that part out if you're trying to sell me on this plan."

"It's just an idea, San. Do what you want with it."

"You know I will. I always do what I want."

"Trust me. I know."

There was a pause on her end. I shifted the book to the foot of the bed and sat up recognizing this pause as an awkward one.

"Are we going to talk about it?"

"We can if you want."

"Come on, Q. You know you want to process this thing over and over and over again."

"I told you I'm good, San. I don't need to process anything."


"Fine. You tell me. What am I supposed to be processing?" I put the phone on speaker and got up to slide the book back on the tiny shelf above my desk.

"I just… I don't know. Before we went up to your room, it was nice. I mean the stuff in your room was nice too."

"Gee thanks." I laughed as I plopped back down.

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do."

"I've just missed having a best friend, Q. Brit and I will always be in each other's lives, but it's going to be different now. Not just because of the break up, but because we're very different people with very different places to go and people to see. She'll probably end up on tour after tour with the hottest pop star at the time and I'm staying here. I'm sure she'll visit from time to time and I'll go to a show or whatever to see her dance, but it'll never be how it was."

"I get it. It's weird now that we're all in different places. I don't mean just physically."

"I'm starting to get some separation from the whole thing now. I think she was my first love. She'll always be special to me because of that, ya know?"

"Not really. I mean, I get what you're saying, but I've never really had that so it's kind of foreign to me."

"Of all the guys you dated…"

"I don't think I've ever really been in love. I'm 19 so it's not like I'm behind or anything. I just haven't felt that yet. I'm not really looking for it right now. I'm kind of focused on other things right now instead of finding a relationship to occupy my time and cause drama."

"Yeah, you do love those dramatic relationships, huh?"

"That was high school me. College me dated a professor for a while before realizing that was stupid. So, that's over. Then college me hooked up with my best friend at my old teacher's failed attempt at a wedding while she was still trying to get over her ex."

I didn't mean to say that last part out loud.

"Hey, that's not what it was about. You know that, right?"

"It's okay San. We were both working through things. Mostly we were working through the free booze our fake IDs got us."

"Q, it's not like that. I'll admit it's complicated given our history and you're previous straightness or current straightness or whatever, but it had nothing to do with Brit on my end. I promise."


"Do you believe me?"

"Yes, I believe you."

"You're lying again."

"It doesn't really matter. I was one night, right?"

"That's what you said you wanted."

"Is it what you want?"

"This is stupid, Q. I hate this passive aggressive crap. Let's just get it all out in the open so I can unpack and do laundry and you can go back to reading whatever nerdy book you were reading."


"You're at Yale. I'm in New York."


"I work on the weekends… at least for right now. You're in school all week."

"Truth number two."

"You're straight. I'm not."

"Well, I don't really know how to classify myself now given the givens."

"You said it was a one time thing."

"Yes, but as you recall that turned into a three time thing."

"Do you want it to be a four time thing?"


"Then, why are we even talking about this?"

"I don't mean no like that. I mean… you're my only one night stand. Well, Puck was technically, but I'm not counting that. Let's just go with life after high school for this conversation since that's all that matters now. I don't want a four time thing because I don't want one more night or just one night with anyone. I'm focusing on school right now, but if I do meet someone, I want a relationship; not a hook up."

"Can you see yourself in a relationship with me?"

"That's a hard question to answer."


"It just is, San."

"Q, talk to me."

"I don't know, Santana. I never thought of you like that before the other night. I never thought about being with a girl before the other night. I missed you in my life before that night and now I don't know if what I'm feeling is because I missed you as friend Santana or if because of what happened, that's somehow changed."

"Q, I can't lose you."

"Then, let's just stop talking about this."

"I don't want it to be like that. We can't just forget it happened and I don't want to anyway. I want us to be able to talk about it and have it be okay."

"How many times do I have to tell you that it is okay? I am okay. We can talk about what happened and why it happened, but there's no point in talking about it leading to anything. Neither of us is really in that place right now."

"Yeah, okay. I guess I get it."

I heard something on the other end of the line I couldn't identify.

"What was that?"

"The door. Rachel's back. I should probably go."

"Yeah, okay. I should be studying anyway."

"We'll talk again soon."

"Bye, San."

"Bye, Q."

After that call, things got back to normal. I went to class and studied and went to parties like a normal college student. Santana and I talked almost weekly, but sometimes we got busy. We'd catch up on the next call though and it was nice having my friend back in my life even if it was only by technology and not in person.

By March, I was preparing for midterms and Santana was preparing to move into the place across the hall from Rachel and Kurt. Turns out, subletting was the way to go even if it was slightly illegal according to the lease. Like Santana said, she always does what she wants.

She had gone on a couple of dates and told me about them. Neither had gone well. I had gone on a couple of dates with the same guy before telling him it wasn't going anywhere. He's a senior and is about to graduate and go to Northwestern for law school. No point in starting something I can't finish. I told Santana about him and she agreed that it was the smart decision no matter how nice the guy was. By April, I was starting to get nervous. Summer was approaching and that meant a three month stay in Lima. It was pretty much the last place I wanted to be, but I didn't want to stay on an abandoned campus for three months either. I decided not to think about that until finals since I had enough to worry about with study groups and projects to finish. I was also trying to line up a job or internship for sophomore year and that was turning into quite the quest. My chats with Santana had grown fewer and farther between and I missed talking to her, but our friendship had been difficult when we lived in the same town. It's even harder now that we're in different states. I was hoping she'd be heading back to Lima for the summer as well, but why would she when she has a life in New York now?

I picked up the phone and sent a quick text before calling it quits on my internship/job search for the night.

Me: Long time no talk. I was thinking about a visit before school ends. I could use a break.

Santana: Here or there?

Me: There. Your place, I mean. My place has another person in it.

Santana: Have I mentioned how much I love living alone?

Me: Yeah, yeah. I'm getting an off campus apartment next semester. My mom's already put down the security deposit.

Santana: Then I'll visit you next semester. When can you get here?

Me: After my last class Friday morning I'm pretty much free.

Santana: Okay. I have to work on Saturday night, but I'm free the rest of the weekend. I'm sure Berry and Lady Hummel would like to see you too.

Me: I'll look up the train times and let you know when I'm coming.

Santana: It seems like forever since I've actually seen you.

Me: I know.

Santana: So get here already.

I laughed and tossed my phone on the bed.