Some Spander Fun –

The boys spend some time alone in a car...

Shut Up, Spike

"You know," the vampire drawled, "if you'd just bloody admit you're lost-"

"Shut up, Spike."

"I'm jus' saying—"

"Not interested."

"Fine." Spike settled into his seat and took out his cigarettes. " 'M jus' sayin'…."

"Stop saying."

"But—"

"And yet, your mouth is still mov-ahhhh!"

"Don't say it."

"Oh, I'm goin' to say it. You can count on it."

"I mean it, Spike."

"You wrecked the bloody car, whelp! You can't seriously expect me to—"

"I have a stake and I'm not afraid to use it."

"Yes, you are. The Slayer wouldn't forgive you for killin' off Dawn's bodyguard."

"She would. Eventually…"

"Would not."

"Would too."

"Not"

"Would you just shut up and help me figure out how to get out of here?"

"You're stuck."

"We're stuck, blood breath. Try lifting it again."

"Do I look like a soddin' crane? I'm jus' flesh and blood, you know."

"Vampire. Super strength. Ringing any bells here?"

"Vampire – not heavy equipment."

"Try again. I'll help."

"Oh, that'll make all the difference."

"Shut up, Spike."

"So, what do you want to do while we wait?"

"I want you not to talk."

"But, I haven't said it yet."

"And you won't, if you don't want me to get the stake out of that glove compartment."

"It's a glove box, you git. A box to put your gloves in."

"This is an American car. Speak American in it."

"Thought you didn't want me to talk?"

"I don't. I just meant – if I did, I would want you to speak American."

" 'M English."

"You live here – you should talk…regular…like us."

"That so?"

"Very so."

"I don't want to sound like you lot."

"Then, shut up."

"How long did they say?"

"You just asked me that."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did t— Why am I talking to you?"

"Cause I'm here and you can't resist me."

"That must be i— What! Oh, I sooo can resist you. You are completely resistible."

"You, on the other hand, are, if I recall it just right, 'a nummy treat – juicy and delicious.' Did I get that right?"

"You…you remembered that?"

"Bloke doesn't forget that kind of an offer."

"It wasn't an offer! It was a…a…"

"Tease?"

"Yes, a tea— No! Not a tease. Stop putting words in my mouth!"

"What would you like me to put in your mouth?"

"This conversation is over. Over, do you hear me? Over."

"But, it was jus' startin' to be fun…"

"Shut up, Spike."

" 'M hungry."

"Don't look at me...I mean it….Don't look at me."

"You'd never miss a few sips – hardly know I'm there. I promise."

"Here – for the love of God, have an apple."

"I don't eat apples! Vampire, here, remember? We eat people. Plump… juicy… people."

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm a…a…jelly donut or a…"

"Happy meal on legs?"

"I really did not need that visual. Can't you just be normal for once?"

"I am normal. I'm a perfectly normal vampire and I'm hungry."

"Shut up, Spike."

"If you aren't going to eat that apple, let me have it. I'm hungry too."

"If I give you the apple, will you give me a little taste?"

"Would you knock it off?"

"What's the matter, Harris? Afraid you might like it?"

"No! I know I wouldn't like it."

"Never know till you try…"

"We are still talking about you eating me, right?"

"Absolutely."

"Shut up, Spike."

"I'm telling Buffy on you."

"No, you aren't."

"Oh, yeah, I am. You watch me. As soon as they get here. You are so busted,…buster."

"What are you gonna tell her? 'Spike was mean to me'? 'Spike's looking at me? Mommy, make him stop looking at me!' "

"Shut up, Spike."

"Hi, guys. Sorry it took us so long to get here, but we had to wait for the tow truck to follow us. It's hard to get somebody out this late. What did you do while you were waiting?"

"Nothing."

"Nothin'."

"You did nothing for three hours? Didn't you at least talk to each other?"

"No."

"No."

Buffy cocked a disbelieving eyebrow.

"What? I can be quiet."

"Spike can't."

"Go ahead, whelp. Tell her what we talked about."

"Shut up, Spike."

The End

Summary: Spike and Xander get hot and sweaty, and one of them bleeds - which could lead to some mild hysteria...

Who With the What?

"Tell me again why we're doing this?" Xander stopped to wipe his brow with the shirt he'd long since removed. He stared at the hole they'd been working on for what seemed like hours and sighed before picking up his shovel again. "Shouldn't you be doing twice as much as me?" he grumbled to Spike. "What with the super-strength and everything."

"Maybe I just like watching you sweat," Spike leered, licking his lips. "And I have been doing twice as much as you - I just don't get all hot and sweaty and—Duck!"

Years of living on the Hellmouth had prepared Xander for such non-sequiturs and he hit the ground immediately. Even so, he barely missed being decapitated by the Fyral demon that had taken a swipe at his head. As it was, he received a long scratch across his shoulder that stung like the devil.

He raised his head from the loose dirt in which his face and chest had landed, watching with mild interest as Spike began banging on the demon with his shovel. When he'd beaten it into a state of near-unconsciousness, he asked over his shoulder, "Don't suppose you have anything pointy on you made of silver?"

"Gosh, no. It never occurred to me we might need tableware to finish this job. What do you want silver for?"

" 's the only thing that kills them... usually. Ah well, there's the old standby, I guess." He reached down and grabbed the Fayrl's head, twisting until it popped off with a gush of green fluid and stench.

"Ugh!" Xander sat up and wrinkled his nose. "And ow!" he added as he moved his damaged shoulder.''

Spike moved away from the dead demon, smiling with satisfaction. "The old ways are always the best," he said, dusting his hands theatrically. He cocked his head and sniffed the air. "I smell something besides dead Fayrl," he said, his eyes riveted on Xander's shoulder. "Oh, I smell something much, much better..."

He walked towards Xander, licking his hips. "Here, Harris, let me take care of that for you..."

Xander frowned. "You brought a first aid kit?"

Spike shook his head and grinned. "Got your first aid kit right here," he purred, leaning in and running his tongue up the deep scratch before Xander could realize what he was doing. Putting his arms around the speechless man, he began to lick the cut in earnest, ignoring the sputtering and high-pitched whimpers from Xander.

When he'd cleaned the cut to his satisfaction, and also stopped the bleeding, he loosened his grip on Xander and pulled his head back. "There you go," he said. "All clean and beginning to heal. Now, let's get you home and into a shower so you don't get any more dirt in it."

Still speechless from both the rough first aid and Spike's apparent interest in his well-being, Xander let Spike lead him back to the basement apartment they'd been reluctantly sharing. He responded to the little shove Spike gave him towards the bathroom by nodding and kicking off his work boots. He was unzipping his pants as he entered the bathroom, and paid no attention to what Spike was doing. It wasn't until he was standing under the hot water and sighing at the way his muscles were relaxing that he realized Spike had followed him into the bathroom.

Suddenly the small space was too crowded as the naked vampire joined Xander under the water.

"What are you doing?" Xander's voice reached heights he'd never realized were possible. His hands fluttered around as he tried to decide between covering himself or pushing Spike out of the shower.

"Just making sure you get all those hard-to-reach places, Harris." Spike grinned and pointed at Xander's rapidly hardening cock.

"That's not hard to reach!" he responded, groaning when Spike burst into laughter.

"No," he said, stroking it and causing Xander to begin to pant. "It isn't hard to reach at all..."

It only took Spike a few more minutes to calm Xander down enough for him to appreciate the vampire's unique version of continued first aid.

The End

Summary: Suppose, during her my-will-be-done-spell, Willow hadn't said that Buffy should marry Spike? Then they wouldn't have fallen in love, right? And Spike might have been in the same house with Xander, the "demon magnet" when the spell took effect. Hmmmmm? This little ficlet plays a bit fast and loose with the season IV timeline by having Spike already living with Xander at the time the spell is cast and having Willow recognize her culpability without D'Hoffren's assistance. But, hey, the whole thing is fantasy anyway, right? :)

A Different Kind of Blue

Spike looked at the dark-haired boy and licked his lips.

"What? Stop looking at me like that!"

"Like what? How am I looking at you?"

"Like I was lunch…or something..."

"More like, 'or somethin', but if it's lunch you're volunteerin' to be…"

"Not volunteering. There is no volunteering here. For lunch or for… anything!"

The conversation was interrupted by the arrival of two demons – one trying to fit through the window and one breaking through the door.

"Gah!" Xander grabbed a baseball bat and began swinging at the head of the demon whose upper body was poking through the window. Spike's foot shot out and tripped the creature coming through the basement door, sending it crashing to the floor, still reaching for Xander. Before it could get back to its feet, Spike was upon it, wrenching its head around until he heard the satisfying crack.

The demon fell limp at his feet and he quickly joined Xander at the window, performing the same effective procedure on the unfortunate demon still stuck in the opening. When Xander went to shove the demon's body out, Spike stopped him, pointing out that there seemed to be others waiting outside and having one of the entrances to the room blocked was not a bad idea.

With the vampire's extra strength to help, they quickly shut the door and pulled the washer and dryer in front of it. They relaxed with relief, then Spike's face suddenly lit up.

"Demons! I can hurt demons! I'm not doomed to a life without violence!" He grabbed Xander in a hug and swung him around wildly. "Isn't that wonderful?"

"Uh, yeah. Wonderful. Could you, maybe, put me down now? Please?"

"Do I have to?" Spike's voice dropped into a sexy whisper and Xander froze in shock before squeaking, "Yes! Yes, you do. Now!"

With a sigh Spike put him down, sliding his hands slowly off the boy's larger body. The tense moment was broken by the sound of fighting outside the small apartment and the scrabbling of claws against the door and window frame. The outraged snarls from the other side of the door had them exchanging quick looks of understanding.

"Slayer!"

"Buffy!"

"She'll be at the watcher's"

Xander didn't question how Spike would know that – the vampire's enforced weeks of living in Giles' bathtub had given him a very clear understanding of how the Scoobies lived their lives and he obviously understood that in an emergency they all gathered at Giles's. They ran up the stairs and through the Harris' house, bursting out the front door and running towards Xander's old car. They pulled out of the driveway, shuddering as the howls of disappointment followed them down the road.

They outdistanced the demons quickly enough that they had time to park haphazardly in the apartment complex's lot and jog toward the front door. Suddenly, a new group of demons and vampires appeared behind them, and Spike grabbed Xander's hand, hauling him almost faster than the boy's legs could go. It wasn't until they were safely inside Giles' apartment that Xander realized that Spike was still holding his hand. As that registered, he also noticed that he was rubbing his thumb over the pulse point of Xander's wrist; the gentle caress causing a growing warmth in Xander's lower regions - just before he panicked and snatched his hand away with an unmanly gasp.

He shot the smirking vampire a glare, unaware that his accelerating heartbeat and rising body temperature had been more than apparent to Spike's enhanced senses. He moved away, attempting to put some distance between himself and Spike, only to find himself face to face with a blind man.

"Giles? What's happened, G man? "

"It would appear I have gone blind. Quite suddenly and most inconveniently."

"What do you mean, blind? Now isn't a good time for that. We have a demon problem. Where's Buffy? " He paused, then added, "And why is Spike trying to lick my ear?" His voice rose to a shriek as the vampire put inhumanly strong arms around him and continued to run his lips and tongue over Xander's neck and ears. When he realized what the long, hard object that was pressed into his ass actually was, Xander moaned in horror. Unfortunately, Spike chose to interpret the moan differently, increasing his assault on Xander's neck and sliding one hand around to caress his thigh.

"Giles!" The high-pitched cry for help brought nothing but soothing sounds from Spike and a confused "What? What?" from the blind man.

"Shhh. It's alright, love," Spike purred into the ear he was once again licking. "I'll be gentle. Know how to make it good for you, I do." His hand drifted from Xander's muscular thigh to his cock, stroking it gently. To his horror, Xander found himself responding, growing rapidly harder and larger as Spike's hand continued to caress him. A strong squeeze brought an involuntary groan from Xander; a groan which was matched by the vampire who was moving his hips against Xander's ass, rubbing his own hard length against it.

"Guh!" With a movement that required a larger effort of will than he chose to acknowledge, Xander twisted away from Spike's loosened grip. "What is wrong with you? We don't even like each other, you fangless moron." He shoved Spike in the chest, pushing him into a bookcase and retreating behind the puzzled watcher.

"Oh, ho. So you like it rough, do you, Harris? I can do rough. You just tell me how rough you want it…"

"Giles! Can't you chain him up again?"

"Chains! That rough? Oh, Xander, I think I'm in love…" Ignoring Giles' blind pleading for an explanation of what was going on, Spike advanced on Xander again, licking his lips in anticipation.

Xander was saved by Buffy's sudden entrance. She immediately spotted Spike and gave him a puzzled frown.

"There you are! Somehow, I thought that would take longer."

Cursing colorfully, Spike moved to stand beside Xander, sliding one hand behind his back to clutch the boy's ample ass and knead it with his strong fingers. Torn between wanting to get away from the frighteningly arousing petting going on behind him, and not wanting Buffy to see what he was moving away from, Xander remained frozen in place. Spike took his lack of movement as encouragement and slipped his hand between Xander's cheeks, rubbing lightly against the area just behind his balls.

"Xander? Why weren't you guys at your house when I called? And why are you standing so close to Spike?" Buffy frowned at him in confusion, knowing how much the two hated each other. "And Spike? Why are you standing so close to Xander? What's going on here, Giles?"

"I can honestly say that I do not have the foggiest," Giles said tiredly. "Although something tells me I should be very grateful that I cannot see it."

At that moment, a screaming Willow burst through door, followed immediately by Anya and a green-skinned demon. The demon's eyes were lazers, focused on nothing but the uncomfortable-looking boy across the room. Ignoring the humans, including the Slayer who was moving toward him, sword in hand, he threw himself upon Xander uttering guttural endearments. Before Buffy could get enough room to swing her sword, Spike had let out a roar and flung the demon off Xander and out the door. He followed him outside, snarling and snapping as he began to beat upon the equally angry demon's body.

"Mine!" he growled as he wrenched its head off. "He is mine!"

He looked up from the headless demon's body to see a horrified Xander staring at him from the doorway. Immediately, his face shifted back into its beautiful human mien and his expression softened. He began walking back toward the apartment, never taking his eyes off the rapidly retreating boy.

Only Anya's fierce glare and Buffy's hand on his chest kept Spike from renewing his physical attentions. If Xander felt a touch of disappointment, he covered it by insisting loudly that he was glad Buffy and Anya were there – especially Anya, his girlfriend and lover. He repeated it several times, keeping his arms around her and her body between himself and the pouting vampire.

"Will someone tell me what the hell is going on here?" The Slayer glared around the room, looking for something or someone upon which to take out her confused anger. Everyone, except Giles, who couldn't see her, edged away from the petite slayer who was still holding the sword and tapping it against her leg impatiently.

"I…I think maybe…maybe I did this?" Willow's voice was soft and tentative, causing them to fall silent in order to hear as, hesitantly, she told them about the will-be-done spell that she had assumed hadn't worked.

"I remember telling you that you couldn't see anything," she admitted to Giles. "I guess Buffy got here so fast because when she wanted to go find Spike, I said it wouldn't take her more than a few seconds to find him." She turned to look at Xander. "And I called you a demon-magnet," she said to Xander. "I'm sorry, guys. I guess I screwed up. I'll reverse the spell as soon as I can. Then Giles will be able to see again, and demons will stop chasing Xander…"

Everyone turned to look at Spike, who stood up taller and said angrily, "Well, get with it, Red. I'm tired of fightin' off all these demons trying to get to my boy. Good thing the spell doesn't affect vampires, isn't it, pet?" he added, turning to beam at Xander. Ignoring Anya's furious glare, he glided closer to the object of his affection, clearly intent on renewing his attentions to the embarrassed man. When Xander shrank away from Spike's embrace, the vampire murmured, "It's alright, pet. Now everyone knows what's wrong. Don't worry. I'll take care of you until the witch has undone the damage."

Spike slid his arms around the shrinking man, pulling him away from his angry girlfriend and in so tightly that Xander could feel every ridge of muscle in the vampire's lean body –including the hard length pressed against his own thigh. With a horrified whimper, Xander realized that his own cock had swollen and was pressing back against Spike's. Even as Spike groaned and growled his encouragement, Xander was frantically trying to think of a way to push him off that wouldn't leave his own hard-on visible to everyone in the room.

When the two men remained glued together longer than seemed at all reasonable to Anya, she took matters into her own hands, grabbing Spike by his collar and pulling at him, hissing angrily, "You ARE a demon, you stupid vampire. The spell is affecting you, too. Now, get away from my boyfriend before I have Buffy stake you!"

"Uh, Anya," Buffy ventured. "I'm right with you with the whole… ewww of the situation, but it really isn't Spike's fault, you know. I mean, it wouldn't be fair of me to stake him for something he can't help – and it's not like he's trying to hurt Xander exactly…"

"Buffy! He is trying to have sex with my boyfriend! That's not acceptable. Do something!"

With a sigh, Buffy walked over to the two men, wondering briefly why Xander wasn't trying harder to get away from Spike's amorous embrace. She put a hand between them and pushed on Spike until he reluctantly let go, allowing Xander to stumble backwards once Spike's arms were no longer pulling against him.

Xander quickly turned his back before anyone could notice how aroused he'd become from being pressed up against Spike's body for so long. He mentally reviewed as many disgusting things as he could bring to mind in a vain attempt to distract himself from how good the vampire's lean, muscular length had felt.

Spike's compact, muscular body felt just the way I've always dreamed it wou—Gah! No dreaming! Nightmares – they were nightmares! I don't dream about that hard body or those full lips, or-

With a gasp, he ran out of the living room and into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him with a loud bang. Anya frowned after him suspiciously, then went nose to nose with the smirking vampire.

"He. Is. Mine," she stated firmly, staring him in the eye defiantly. "Leave him alone." She turned to Willow, snapping, "You'd better break that spell pretty soon. I think Xander may be weakening."

"D'ya think?" Spike's hopeful smile brought groans from everyone in the room and Willow redoubled her efforts to remember her exact words so that she could reverse them. With a sigh of relief, she jotted down her spell, reversing the word order and chanting quickly. At her final "so mote it be", a visible shudder went through the vampire and he quickly shook himself.

"Well," he muttered under his breath." Wasn't that just a revelation?" Without speaking to anyone, he whirled and left the building, shooting a glare at Willow that promised retribution if and when he was capable of it.

Xander remained in the bathroom, splashing cold water onto his face and wrists and waiting for his erection to go down. When he felt he could go back out and face the other Scoobies, he hesitated with his hand on the doorknob, remembering who else would be waiting in the living room. Anya's demanding knock on the door and her voice insisting that he come out immediately took the decision out of his hands and he slowly opened the door. He found his girlfriend waiting for him, hands on hips and foot tapping angrily.

"The spell is over, Xander. Spike's demon doesn't want you any more, so you don't have to hide in the bathroom."

"Where…where is he?" he asked, looking around furtively. "I don't see him."

"He left as soon as the spell ended," Anya explained. "I don't think he was very happy about wanting to have sex with you."

"What? Well, why not? I'm just as attractive as the next—" He stopped abruptly. Merciful Zeus! I'm complaining because the chipped wonder doesn't want me anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?

"It's alright that you were attracted to Spike, Xander," Anya continued helpfully. "He's very attractive and I'm sure that his many years as a vampire have made him very skilled at giving pleasure. You shouldn't be ashamed that you responded to him – just be sure he understands that he can't have you,"

"No problem," he muttered, still fighting an inexplicable sense of disappointment.

"I don't think you'll have to explain anything to him, Xan," Buffy's voice held just a trace of amusement. "From the look on Spike's face, I'd say he's more bothered by it than you are. I don't think you'll be seeing much of him for a while."

"He lives with me!"

"I am quite certain that he will have no more desire to dwell on his behavior than you," Giles offered tersely. "I believe it to be an episode we would all just as soon forget as quickly as possible."

Xander stretched out his time at the watcher's apartment as long as possible, but eventually he had to agree to drive Anya home. He kissed her good-night, reveling in the way his body responded to her very feminine attributes, and drove to his house, strolling into his basement apartment feeling much more confident of his masculinity. Confident, that is, until he saw the naked vampire lying in the middle of his bed…

The End