A/N: First. Fanfiction. Ever. Ever! I'm so nervous to be honest. D:
Let me introduce myself. My name's Truth and I always wanted to write a fanfiction of Durarara (specifically Shizaya) after reading a bunch (and I mean a bunch) of other stories so I wrote this but never actually had the courage to publish this on here. Thanks to my mom and uncle they encouraged me to put it online so thank them(:
Now go on and read! :D


I hate you.

Normally I would laugh at that and make some joke or insult but that actually hurt me. The way he looked at me with such hatred and disgust, the way he clenched his fist, the way his gaze was so steady and guarded.

It hurt. It did.

I never in my entire 16 years thought that that brute could actually hurt me. I always kept my face masked, showing only fake happiness with my fake smiles and fake laughs. I never let anger show and kept my temper to myself. If I was really pissed off, I'd make up some excuse to leave and walked away with another one of those fake smiles.

But now, I let any mask I had on, fall. I threw my phone at the wall, following my lamp and kicked over my chair. I punched the mirror, ignoring the blood running from my knuckles.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt happiness. It showed I actually had feelings and emotions and wasn't some worthless, trivial thing. Pain was my salvation. Call me a freak, lunatic, or hell even a masochist. I know. I know I'm a major masochist but it's my only way to actually feel anything at all.

I screamed alone in my room, grateful that no one was in the house at the moment. My mother and father were at work and my twin sisters, Mairu and Kururi, were at school and wouldn't come back for hours. Fresh tears threatened out of the corner of my eyes and I let them fall.

They were tears of fury.

Tears of sadness.

Tears of hurt.

Tears of happiness.

They were another sign that told me I could feel.

I fall to my knees and clutch my head tightly, gripping my hair, and crying loudly for the first time in a months.

Maybe if you weren't such a failure, you would actually be happy. But no, you have to be a bother to everybody around you. Then you wonder why people hate you. Pathetic. My conscience taunted me.

But, would it be better if I just left this world? Would people finally be happy? Will I? Would people actually appreciate what I did and notice it for once? Would anyone care if I left? Or would they just live on like nothing happened? They probably wouldn't care and might even dance on my grave once they found out I was dead. But if that will make them happy...

I grab a notebook and pen. Then I start writing my suicide letters. First to my mother and father.

Dear Mother and Father,
I'm sorry I'm doing this. None of it was your fault but I can't stand living like this anymore. It hurts too much to keep living. I know you might be upset at this but don't. It's my decision. It's what I wanted. I love you all and I'm sorry I wasn't a better son.
Sincerely,
Izaya

The second for my twin sisters.

Dear Mairu and Kururi,
I'm sorry you have a big brother like me. I tried, I did. I tried to become a role model for you and instead just failed you. I failed you both. I hope you can forgive me. Forgive what I'm about to do and what I have done. I love you both and be good for mom and dad.
Love you,
Izaya

The third to Shinra.

Dear Shinra,
I'm sorry I never could be a good friend towards you. I'm sorry I got in the way of things and never could have been considered as a 'true friend.' Can you do me one huge favor? Can you succeed your dreams of becoming a doctor and look after my family? It would mean a lot. I'm sorry I could never tell you how I truly felt.
A horrible friend,
Izaya

The fourth and last one to Shizuo.

Dear Shizuo,
I was gonna write Shizu-chan but I would be more of a vexatious, huh? I'm going to say to you what I said to everyone else; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a 'nice person' or was even considered a friend. I'm sorry I bothered you for so long and messed with you ever since we met. I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person and can't even tell you how much I regret everything that I've done. But I do. I truly do. Please look after Shinra for me. And since I'm going to die, I'll guess I'll tell you one of my biggest secrets. Here it goes...I love you. It's true. I do. I always had since we met but never could tell you because you would hate me even more. I'm sorry again for all I've done.
Yours truly,
Izaya

Then I left around other pieces of paper to no one in particular. Or maybe it's for everyone. But I write. They are my last message after all.

I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible son/brother/friend/person.

I'm sorry I'm a failure.

I'm sorry that I'm trivial.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

This is what I wanted. I wanted people to finally be happy.

I want people to live on with no troubles.

I want to find true happiness for once.

I want everyone to appreciate something that I've done.

I want everyone, everyone, to move on. Please. That's what I want.

I love you all and once again, I'm sorry.

Finally finishing the last note, I look at all my work and making sure I wrote down everything that I wanted. I cried, I did, when I wrote these letters. The emotion I felt, the heavy feeling in my chest, the headache from all my crying. But I don't want to be a burden anymore. So I'm going to grant everyone's wish; my death.

I grab my switch blade and slash it across my wrist. I should feel pain, but instead I feel happy. I'm happy because everyone's wish will come true and it proves to me that I'm actually not so worthless after all. Blood pours out of the wounds and I make more cuts. All around my wrists until it's nearly completely in red from my wrist down and move on to the other arm to do the same. I start feeling dizzy and smile because it's working.

I lay on my bed, blood soaking through the mattress. I stretch my arms out, one of them hanging off the bed, dripping blood onto the floor, and the other continuously bleeding. My vision becomes hazy, my breathing slowing down, and my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. I close my eyes when I hear screaming and pounding coming from the door and my last thoughts were I'm sorry when I heard the door slam open.


A/N: Sooooo what did you think?(:
I have up to Chapter 6 done. I know, I'm badass, what can I say?
Please review so I know that I can continue to update on this and know that at least someone is reading this and doesn't think it's a piece of shit. Thanks! :D