How Fili et Kili lost the ponies

A translation of "Comment Fili et Kili ont perdu les poneys".

While watching the movie I had some questions in mind and one of the most important was: how the hell did the two brothers missed nine feet tall trolls stealing ponies? Since I didn't find an explanation on my own at the time, I naturally tried to find one on the Internet, more precisely in fanfics, surely some fan will have invented an explanation, a realistic or wacky one.

But I found surprisingly little about it, the first I found explained it by a...durincest (that's how I discovered the word and the special... relationship some fans imagined between the two heirs of Durin. Seriously why imagine such a thing between the two? They're brothers to cry it out loud, fraternal love exists too, you know!).

The second I found, my favorite one, is the one of Mikipeach in La Folle Histoire du Hobbit that is definitely a wacky one, just like the rest of the story (a must-read if you ask me but exists only in French, sorry). Let's just say it involves Marty, Dr Brown, dodos and the visitor from the future (the main character of the French webseries Le Visiteur du Futur, it's really good and there're episodes subtitled in English on youtube).

And recently, I've come up with my own explanation to this mystery, its less funny than Mikipeach's one but more realistic and exploits a certain phenomenon that must happen in fiction, we're well aware of that, but is rarely alluded to.

Disclaimer: (I'm really sorry to bother with such formalities) I don't possess any of the Hobbit's characters, I wish I could but they belong as you all know to Tolkien and Jackson (well, mostly to the former in this version), and if I post here you probably already know that I'm not being paid.


"Watch the ponies."

Or the first task the youngest members of Durin's line had been entrusted with by their royal uncle on their quest to take back Erebor.

They definitely could not get more glorious than that, thought the two brothers while they were sitting in front of the ponies, nice creatures but rather boring. They could already picture the high deeds they would be remembered for in the songs:"Fili and Kili, sons of Dis, daughter of Thrain, son of Thror, ponies' keepers". And to think that their uncle had won the nickname Thorin Oakenshield in Azanulbizar when he was not much older than they are now.

In short, it was far from what they had in mind when they had convinced Thorin, and more important their mother, to let them join the company so that they could prove their worth. Nevertheless,they were determined to complete this mission, especially after that stupid joke about orcs, anything but disappointing their uncle again.

So they won't take their eyes away from the ponies and won't go away from them.

At least, that what they had agreed on before Fili stood up and began to move away.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?", asked his younger brother as he was getting to his feet too.

"I have to relieve myself."

"What? Then I'm going first!"

"No way, you're staying with the ponies Kili."

"But I've been holding back for ten minutes!"

"Well, you should have taken your chance ten minutes ago then. Moreover, that will teach you to empty the whole flask without leaving me anything you glutton ! Just a little more and you'll end up looking like Bombur", added the young dwarf while pointing a finger on his brother's belly.

"Ouch ! Stop it you idiot!"

"Anyway, I don't see why I'm arguing with you. I'm the eldest, so I go first, simple as that."

"Just wait a minute..."

But before Kili could end his sentence, Fili had already disappeared in the shrubs. Looks like he will have to hold back a little longer, at least he hoped so given that Fili already tended to monopolize the bathroom in the Blue Mountains. Why the heroes from the songs never faced that kind of problem? Wondered Kili as he was tried to focus on the bloody ponies.


When Fili finally returned, he noticed something was wrong: his little brother wasn't there. By Durin, can't he leave him alone for five minutes? All the more so as his sense of direction was barely better than their uncle's (not that he would dare to say that to his face).

As he was about to call for him, Kili reappeared. The wide grin on his face made Fili hesitate between embracing him out of relief and strangle him for giving him such a fright.

"Kili, don't tell me...", began Fili on an exasperated tone.

"Sorry, but I couldn't wait any longer."

"One of us was supposed to stay with the ponies!"

"Calm down Fili, I wasn't absent for long. Fili, are you even listening?" asked the young dwarf when he noticed his brother wasn't paying him attention anymore and was instead looking at the ponies.

"Kili. I think two are missing.

"What are you talking about? They're all..."

Then Kili looked at the ponies and realized with horror that his brother was right: Daisy and Bungo were missing.

"They can't have gone too far. We should find them quickly, no need to get worried", said the bowman in an attempt to convince himself.

"Sorry to contradict you little brother, but I think we do have reasons to get worried."

"Why?"

"Well, to begin with, I'm practically sure that this tree over there wasn't uprooted when we arrived."

And Kili was obliged to admit once again that his big brother, who was becoming more and more fut pessimistic,was right. A tree, a quite impressive one on top of that, had indeed been uprooted.

Better and better.

"And you think that whatever uprooted this tree has taken the ponies too?"

Fili just nodded.

"What could have done that? A bear?... A dragon?" Proposed Kili who was going more and more pale.

"Don't be silly. There's only one dragon and he's too far away from here."

"We should tell Thorin."

"No, he already has enough to worry about", and more important he'll never trust us again and will be even more furious than the time we borrowed his shield to play, added Fili in his head. "We'll find them."

As they were too busy watching the remaining ponies, as if they were afraid to see them disappear too, and wondering how they could sort out this mess before their uncle hear of it, the two brothers hadn't noticed that the burglar was standing between them with two bowls of stew.

Done, I hope you've liked this explanation. Given that English is not my first language any correction will be welcome. I would especially like to ask if you have a better translation for "gardiens de poneys" than "ponies' watchers". Also a better word than "over-drinker" to describe someone who drinks too much (any kind of drinks, not only alcohol).

I would like to thank Jakefan, Scribe of Erebor and Lakota1172 for their reviews, favs or both.

The credit for the replacement of "over-drinker" by "glutton" goes to Scribe of Erebor.

Finally, I prefer to wait for other propositions before replacing "ponies' watchers" but I thank Jakefan and Scribe of Erebor for theirs.

"Ponies' watchers" has finally been replaced by"ponies' keepers", a term approved by Scribe of Erebor.