A/N: So in canon, Hermione tried to soften her friend, while Harry screamed his head of. What if Hermione reacted more aggressively? This story explores what would happen. H/HR, other pairings will come with time.
I disclaim everything besides the plot. Also, some parts in this chapter are from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which also belongs to J. K. Rowling.
Chapter 1: I can't Live Without You
Hermione Granger was not short tempered. She liked to think that she was pretty patient. Yes, she easily got irritated but she rarely lost her temper.
Yet this time, controlling her temper was a challenge for the young witch. Here was her best friend, who worried her sick about himself for the past 2 months, screaming his head off at them.
"SO YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL! YOU'VE STILL BEEN HERE, HAVEN'T YOU? YOU'VE STILL BEEN TOGETHER! ME, I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS' FOR A MONTH! AND I'VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO'VE EVER MANAGED AND DUMBLEDORE KNOWS IT- WHO SAVED THE SORCERER'S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?"
Hermione felt tears forming in her eyes. At first she felt sorry for her friend but that last one awakened a new emotion. She bit her lip to not say anything, knowing that Harry needed to let out steam.
WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR? WHO SAW HIM COMEBACK? WHO HAD TO ESCAPE FROM HIM? ME!
Hermione felt her control slowly slipping away from her. None of this was their fault. She looked at Ron, but saw nothing but shock on his face.
BUT WHY SHOULD I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY SHOULD ANYONE BOTHER TO TELL ME WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING?"
Hermione knew she had to say something before everything went out of control.
Harry, we wanted to tell you, we really did-" she began.
"CAN'T'VE WANTED TO THAT MUCH, CAN YOU, OR YOU'D HAVE SENT ME AN OWL, BUT DUMBLEDORE MADE YOU SWEAR–"
"Yes this is pretty much the point you idiot" she thought but once again bit her lip to avoid an argument. "He is angry for a reason, stay calm Granger" she told to herself. She wanted to apologize to him but it was getting harder to control her temper.
"Well, he did-" began Ron.
"FOUR WEEKS I'VE BEEN STUCK IN PRIVET DRIVE, NICKING PAPERS OUT OF BINS TO TRY AND FIND OUT WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON -"
"Then go complain to Albus Bloody Dumbledore, not us" thought Hermione. Even in all her anger, she felt bad for her best friend and mentally slapped herself for believing the ancient headmaster.
"Look Harry, we wanted to-" she started but she was once again interrupted.
"I SUPPOSE YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A REAL LAUGH, HAVEN'T YOU, ALL HOLED UP HERE TOGETHER -" continued Harry. Hermione felt all her control leaving her.
"CAN YOU LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE SAYING, DAMN IT" shrieked Hermione. Harry looked at her with shock in his eyes, like he didn't even notice she was there.
"STOP TAKING ALL YOUR BLOODY ANGER OUT ON US" she yelled at him taking a step closer. She was openly crying now, but Harry was still too frustrated to notice.
"WELL, TELL ME HERMIONE, I AM LISTENING! WHY EXACTLY DID YOU ABANDON YOUR FRIEND?"
"ABANDON?" Hermione laughed. It was a humorless, unstable laugh and behind her, Ron distanced himself from her. "YOU CAME HERE 2 MINUTES AGO HARRY POTTER. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I BEGGED DUMBLEDORE, SO HE WOULD ALLOW US TO WRITE TO YOU. AT THE END HE STARTED AVOIDING ME WHENEVER HE CAME HERE"
Harry didn't know this and felt a little bit ashamed. But he couldn't just leave 2 months of anger behind and pressed on.
"You obviously didn't try hard enough" retorted Harry coldly. "You two were together here. Happily living while I had to endure Dursleys"
"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING" screamed Hermione. Tears were falling freely from her eyes but she didn't care. "HAPPILY TOGETHER? THIS IS FUNNY. RON, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL YOUR MATE? LIKE HOW WORRIED WE WERE FOR HIM. OR SHOULD I TELL YOU HOW I COULDN'T EVEN SLEEP BECAUSE OF WORRY AND MRS. WEASLEY HAD TO GIVE ME SLEEP POTIONS EVERY BLOODY NIGHT"
Harry just looked at her. For a moment, he was speechless at this revolution. He noticed her tired looking eyes, she really as bad as Remus after a full moon.
"I had to endure every kind of shit and I am still left in the dark" growled Harry and took a step closer to Hermione but she didn't budge. "Who saved all of you continuously in last four years. ME! BUT STILL, YOU ARE HERE WHILE I DON'T KNOW A THING"
"Well, if it was really that big of a deal, then you should have LET ME DIE" cried Hermione. "BECAUSE FRIENDS DON'T TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS, UNLESS HIS NAME IS MALFOY. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, WE ALL SAVED EACH OTHER MORE THAN ONCE, BUT I DON'T SEE RON SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF"
"YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM" exploded Harry. This time, he was only talking to Hermione. "I HAD TO FIGHT AGAINST VOLDEMORT WHILE YOU WERE SITTING AND WATCHING A STUPID MAZE. I HAD TO FIGHT AGAINST DEMENTORS WHILE YOU WERE UNCONCIOUS. I HAD TO FIGHT RIDDLE WHILE YOU LAY PETRIFIED IN THE INFIRMARY. I HAD TO OPPOSE QUIRRELL WHILE YOU SIMPLY LEFT. YOU USED ME LIKE A BODYGUARD AND ALWAYS LEFT ME WHEN I NEEDED HELP."
Harry breathed heavily. He saw hurt in Hermione's eyes. She blinked and just stood there for a few seconds.
"Is that really what you think Harry Potter?" she asked silently. She now stopped crying and her voice was cold. "Do you really think I didn't do anything for you? Answer me"
Harry knew it was not true. He knew that she was the one and only constant companion and that she helped him more than anyone ever did. He knew she was the one that was continuously on his side but he couldn't say it. Instead, other words left his mouth before he knew what he was doing.
"Yes" said Harry loudly. "You probably became friends with me because you were lonely and the boy who lived was clearly the best choice for a friend. Face it, if I wasn't there, you would have been killed by a stupid troll. No one else would have came to save you"
Silence followed. Harry felt all his anger leaving him as he saw tears forming in her eyes once again. It took him few seconds to realize what he just said, but unfortunately, it was a few seconds too late.
"I didn't know that you regretted it that much Harry. Maybe you really should have let that troll kill me then" she said with a weak voice. Hermione looked at his eyes for just a moment, then run out of the room.
Harry stood there, shocked by his own words. He looked at Ron and saw disgust and pity in his eyes.
"Well done mate" said Ron coldly. "Way to go"
"Did I really just say that Ron?" asked Harry. He hoped with all his heart that it was just a dream.
"Yes you did" said Ron simply. Harry sat on closest bed, buried his face in his hands and started crying. He cried for everything. For the pain he felt because of being left alone. For his fears of being thrown out of Hogwarts. For Cedric. For his parents. And for hurting his best friend. All the feelings that he buried came free with his tears as the adrenaline finally left him. Ron wasn't finished thought.
"She was so happy that you would come today" said Ron coldly. "Hermione wanted to tell you so much. She nearly went insane when she heard about the dementor attack. My mum and Sirius barely held her back, she wanted to run and bring you here herself. She argued with Dumbledore and looked like she was really about to attack him. It took us hours to calm her down"
Harry didn't answer him and continued crying. Ron didn't stop.
"You totally crushed her feelings, you know that right? Even I can recognize that and you know how bloody insensitive I am. I would like to take the credit but let's be honest, she is one of the reasons how you managed to do those things you said, no, you bragged about."
Harry felt devastated. He really acted like an idiot. Ron was right, he knew that. Once again, her crying face flashed through his mind. Harry stood up and punched the wall.
"Do you think she will forgive me Ron?" asked Harry with hope in his voice.
"There is only one way to find out mate" answered the redhead. Harry nodded and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and run downstairs, Ron closely behind him.
"Harry what is going on?" asked a worried Molly Weasley. "What happened to Hermione?"
"Where is she?" asked Harry quickly.
"She left" answered another voice from behind. Harry whirled around to see his godfather.
"WHAT?" Harry shouted. "How can she leave?"
"She said she was going back to her parents. She looked a little devastated" said Sirius.
"How can you just let her leave?" yelled Harry. "It is dangerous out there"
"Calm down Harry. We soon have a meeting and she can just take the Knight Bus outside and her home is also warded" answered Molly in a calming tone.
Harry tried to calm down. He knew Hermione needed some alone time. She would definitely come back. After all, all her belongings were upstairs. Then it dawned on him.
"She lied" said Harry slowly, his eyes growing wide. "She didn't take anything with her did she?"
"What is the problem with it?" asked Ron. "She will probably come back in a few days"
"But Ron, she didn't even go to her room. Did she even have any money for knight bus?" asked Harry rapidly.
"No, I don't think so" said Ron.
"What does it mean?" asked Sirius.
"That means she didn't go to her parents" said Harry with panic in his voice. "We have to find her."
"Okay Harry, calm down" said Sirius. "I'll go search for her"
"No, you won't" argued Molly. "You can't leave this house Sirius"
"Okay, fine. I'll contact Remus so he can look for her. Molly, please apparate to Grangers and tell them to contact us if Hermione goes there"
"What happened? Why did she leave all of a sudden?"
"It was my fault" said Harry. "I hurt her feelings and now she is gone. If anything happens to her-"
"Nothing will happen to her" said Sirius firmly. "I'll go contact Remus now. If necessary, I'll go and find her myself, screw Dumbledore. I won't let the girl that saved my life die just because my godson acted like a prat"
With this Sirius quickly run upstairs.
"I'll be back in a few minutes. Stay here, the order members will come soon" said Molly and left.
"What now?" asked Ron.
"I am going too. No, listen" said Harry, when he saw that Ron was about to protest. "It can be too late when we wait for Remus. She can't be far"
"I am coming too" said Ron.
"No you are not" answered Harry. "Someone has to tell Sirius and the others where I am or everyone will panic"
"Okay" said Ron, knowing that they don't have time to argue. "Be careful"
Harry just nodded and quickly left the house.
Harry wasn't really careful. He run wildly, not knowing where to look. He searched for the familiar bushy hair, but couldn't find anyone. It was raining so he didn't see anyone outside. He kept running and barely held himself from screaming her name. He knew that she needed alone time, but the question is, where she found it. He let his instincts take over and kept running.
He didn't want to admit it, even to himself but he felt terrified. The idea of losing the bushy haired witch was stupid, impossible and terrifying. He thought he could control his feelings when he finally saw Hermione. He had to admit that he screwed up really bad.
The truth was that Harry Potter was actually starting to develop feelings for Hermione Granger. Feelings that had no place between two best friends. Few good dreams he had last summer were always involving her in a most inappropriate way. He was so ashamed of his thoughts about the bushy haired witch, that even thinking about it made him go red and feel like the worst person that ever existed.
This is why he decided no bury those feelings as deep as possible. It was just his bloody hormones and he was sure he would go back to normal with time. He didn't intend to lose his best friend because of his teenage hormones.
But even with all that decision, he couldn't held back the ever growing jealousy he felt when he heard that Hermione and Ron were together without him. The thought of Hermione laughing and enjoying herself with Ron, without him pained him much more than he could admit.
And when she hugged him earlier, it was the most blissful moment he could remember. But then he remembered where he was and that she was with Ron for weeks and he lost all control. Yes, he screwed up really bad and he could only hope that he could still fix it before something really bad happened.
He kept running to the same direction until he arrived at a park. He breathed heavily and looked around.
Then he saw her. She was sitting on a bank, her face buried in her hands. Feeling immense relief, he ran towards her and this time, he just couldn't hold himself.
"Hermione" he called. She looked up and her eyes widened when she saw him.
"Harry?" said Hermione with a weak voice and tried to leave but Harry held gently grabbed her wrist.
"Hermione, please listen" said Harry, his voice full of emotions. "I am sorry. I am really sorry. I don't know what came over me but I really acted like a stupid git. Please forgive me"
Hermione didn't answer him. She once again sat down and looked at her hands.
"Why?" she said finally. "Why do you need my forgiveness?
"What?" said Harry feeling confused.
"I am just a bookworm. A know it all. Bushy haired, nagging bookworm. Why would you care about me?" asked Hermione.
"You are not" said Harry forcefully. He was almost pleading now. He couldn't believe that he made her think like that. "You are the most brilliant person I know. You are the best friend I could ever ask for. You are beautiful, smart, funny, loyal… you are just perfect. Without you, I would have died years ago. You saved me more than I can count. You remained by my side while everyone else left me. But Hermione, even more important than that, you are the most important person in my life. I feel like I could give my life just to make you smile again. Please Hermione, forgive me. I don't think I could go on without you."
Harry waited, surprised with his own words. She still didn't look in his eyes and he felt scared. While it might be extreme, he realized that what he said was the truth. If he refused to forgive him, he couldn't care less if he was alive or not and that scared him.
"You really mean that?" she asked silently.
"Yes" said Harry firmly. "I really can't live without you. Please forgive me Hermione. I- I think- No, I don't just think it, I know it. I- I have feelings for you Hermione."
"Wha- What are you trying to say?" asked a flabbergasted Hermione.
"I am trying to say that I love you" Harry practically shouted before his mind could register what he said.
Silence. This time, Harry was sure she would slap him and run away. He ruined everything. "Good work Potter" he thought bitterly. Harry wanted to kick himself. He was sure that his feelings were one sided and so he promised himself not to reveal it. But now, at the worst possible moment, he let it slip.
Hermione looked up at him. Harry thought that he saw shock in her eyes and also glimpse of hope.
"Do you really mean that Harry?" she once again asked slowly. This time, it was much harder for Harry to answer her question.
"Yes, I mean it. There are a lot of things that I am not sure of, especially about myself but this is not one of them. I love you. Now I probably ruined our last chance to remain friends but I really can't take it back now. Harry Potter loves Hermione Granger. Now before you hex me, I should remind you to wait until we are back so you don't get in trouble with the ministry. You could probably slap me but…"
He couldn't finish his rambling because the girl in question pressed her lips firmly against his. All thoughts left Harry as he started kissing her back. They stayed like this for a whole minute, free of all the worries in their minds.
"I love you too" said Hermione after finally separating, looking him in the eyes.
"Are- Are you sure?" asked Harry, still thinking that she was about to hex him.
"Yes, quiet sure" said Hermione smiling. Harry also started to smile but after all the different emotions in such a short time, the smiles turned into chuckles and they suddenly found themselves laughing hysterically.
"Now, let's go back" said Harry finally, still chuckling. "Everyone is probably worried sick now."
"Everyone?" repeated Hermione trying to recover herself. Suddenly it dawned on her. "Harry, what the bloody hell are you doing here?"
"What?" asked Harry, surprised by her sudden outburst.
"You shouldn't leave the headquarters. It is too dangerous" scolded Hermione and stood up.
"I don't want to hear this from you" muttered Harry, as she started pulling him. Hermione ignored his comment.
"Do you have your invisibility cloak?" she asked. Harry shook his head.
"Ok, then at least take your wand out, we have to be careful" she said, while she took her own wand in her hand.
"I don't have it" said Harry, after searching for his wand. "I forgot it in Ron's room."
Hermione stopped and looked at him with surprise in her eyes.
"How can you leave without even taking your wand?" said Hermione.
"I was worried about you" said Harry, defending himself. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"It is really cute but next time you try to save me, please don't forget your wand" she said. Then she pulled another wand from her pocket. "Here, take this one"
"Where did you get a second wand?" asked Harry curiously.
"I bought it at the beginning of the summer" she answered while walking quickly. "We still can't use wandless magic, so I thought it is a good idea to have a reserve one"
"Hermione, did I ever mention that you are brilliant?" said Harry and hugged her.
"You did a few times" she said smiling shyly.
"And beautiful" continued Harry.
"That not as often" said Hermione blushing a little. "But don't tell anyone about it. It is kind of illegal. I told Ollivander that my first wand was broken to buy this one. I was also training a little since I came to headquarters. Next time, you could join me if you want"
They kept walking silently. Both had smiles on their faces and occasionally looked at each other. Harry couldn't believe how bad he felt just minutes ago. Now he felt happier than he ever felt. He hesitantly put his arm around Hermione's waist. Her little smile was only confirmation he needed and they kept walking like this.
"Do you know where we are going? I didn't really look around while running" said Harry.
"Wait a minute" said Hermione. She held her hand in front of him. "Someone is watching us"
"How do you know?" asked Harry.
"I put some monitoring charms around us, someone is definitely here" said Hermione.
"Really clever mudblood" came a soft voice. "Now Potter, if you two would come willingly, the dark lord wants to see you."
"Please let me have the mudblood father. Dark Lord only needs the Scarhead alive" said another voice.
Harry whirled around and saw Lucius Malfoy pointing his wand at them. His son stood right next to him with a grin that could rival his fathers.
This was chapter one, I hope you guys liked it. Next chapter there will be a fight, lots of arguing between our heroes and order members. Also, some distrust will start between Harry and a certain Headmaster.
To clear something. this was only chapter 1, it doesn't mean Hermione was totally right or Harry was totally wrong. Hermione had problems with what he said and not why he said it. She has reasons why she acted like that (it was never stated in canon so I am writing my own version) she still feels guilty for it. No one is perfect. you will see in the next chapters. Please review. Any idea or comment is welcome. Thanks for reading.