Wanting to be Wanted

This is an AU/Tcest story. Interested then read. Not your cup of tea. I can totally respect that, but pass my story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing. Dammit to hell!


My world was very small when I was young. I had my father and my three older brothers. My family was different so we were not allowed to go out and make a lot of friends. I was okay with this because my world revolved around my brothers and I was happy. Time marched on and we grew. We even made friends with humans like April and Casey. My world still revolved around my brothers, but their world expanded and soon things changed. I felt them as they pulled away, but I remained silent. My brothers seemed happy as everything I once knew crumpled into dust around me. What do you do when you are left behind? For me, you smile and hide the pain.

Chapter One

I heard them again last night. They didn't think that I heard, but I did. The small gasps and moans whispered secretly through my wall. It hurt to hear them. Leo, Raph, and Donnie being together and me being alone. Alone. I sat up and looked at my alarm clock. It was too early to be up, but uncomfortable to be in my room any longer. I tiredly got out of bed and dressed for the day before padding out to the living room. I sighed as I sat on the couch. I had no clue when my brothers' relationship had slipped into lovers and mates, but I was clearly not invited.

"Stop throwing a pity party for yourself," I reprimanded the whining voice in my head even as I wrapped my arms around myself, "You are just not their type. That's all. Grow up! You are not entitled to everything your heart desires."

But that was the problem. I did desire that kind of a relationship from my bros. I wanted to feel Leo's protective arms around me, and Raph's strength, and Donnie's gentle lips. I wanted what I couldn't have and it was hurting me terribly. Silently I crept to the lair door and went for a run in the sewers. I needed to get lost in the sensations of physical exercise to clear my head of what I wanted my brothers to be doing to me.

"Give it up, Loser," I growled to myself as I pushed my body to go faster and faster, "You were born a virgin and you will die a virgin. There isn't anyone who would desire a mutant turtle like you. Be happy with the life you've got."

I ran and ran, but my heart was not happy with the life I currently had and the broken shards of what was left in my chest throbbed painfully. I ran until the sun was beginning to show through the sewer grates before I jogged silently back to the lair. The door was slammed open before I even reached for the secret handle.

"Where have you been, Mikey?" Leo demanded jerking me inside to see Donnie looking worried and Raph glaring in my direction, "We wake up and discover that you're missing and you didn't even have your phone on you."

I was a bit surprised at the anger that was radiating off of my brothers. There hadn't been any trouble from Shredder lately so things were pretty quiet these days.

"Couldn't sleep," I admitted as I panted to get my breathing under control, "Went for a jog so that I wouldn't disturb anybody's sleep. I didn't even think about my phone. My bad."

"Did ya go ta tha surface, Mike?" Raph growled as his hands tightened into fists.

"Shell, no," I assured noticing that my bros relaxed considerably, "I'm not that stupid. I ran through the sewers and then came back once the sun began to rise."

"You were up before the sun?" Donnie questioned, "That's not like you, Mikey. Is something bothering you? You've been a bit quiet for the past month or so."

I watched as my three, older brothers looked at me with concern. I knew that they loved me, but I wanted to admit to them that I wanted to be loved by them in a different way. I simply sighed and lied through my teeth.

"Nightmares," I stated, "Past battle stuff and warped endings to what actually happened. I'll get over it."

I watched as my brothers settled and seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes. I hated seeing their connection. It hurt feeling left out.

"Don't do this again," Leo instructed as he put an arm around my shoulders, "Just…just turn on the television when you get up so early. I'll hear you and we can talk about the dream together. You really scared us."

Fat chance I'm doing that, but I'd lie again to keep my brothers happy and content.

"Thanks, Leo," I agreed, "I'm going to go take a shower. Once I'm done I'll start breakfast. How about waffles? I feel like a good waffle."

"Ya look like one too," Raph chuckled out as I stuck my tongue at him, "Go get cleaned up, Sweat Boy."

"Meany!" I griped as I stomped to the bathroom.

It felt good to hear my three brothers' amusement. At least I could still make them laugh. My happy demeanor dropped once I locked the bathroom door behind me. I turned the shower on and only then did I allow the sobs to start. It hurt to be so close to the ones you love more than anything else and yet be so damn far that you are overlooked and forgotten. I eased into the shower and allowed my hands to go lower to give myself the only bit of pleasure I would ever get in my lifetime. It helped to imagine the hands to be someone else's and I moaned until I found some completion. I scrubbed up and finished my shower.

"Great. Now I look as good as I feel," I whined to myself as I looked into the mirror and saw the dark circles and bloodshot eyes.

I dried myself up and concealed the bags beneath my eyes with my mask. Whistling a little tune, I entered the kitchen and began mixing up some waffle batter. I had just finished cooking a plate of waffles when I heard my brothers enter the kitchen playfully teasing with one another. My heart twinged and I sighed softly as I placed the breakfast on the table.

"Mikey, you look awful," Donnie stated as he caught my face between his hands which made Leo and Raph look over in concern.

"It's fine," I soothed as I pulled away while Master Splinter entered the kitchen, "You know that I had a little trouble sleeping last night. I'll grab a nap later in the day, Bro."

"Michelangelo, I was made aware of your night run," our Father interjected as I set his miso soup and tea in front of him, "I do not want you going off on your own without letting someone know about your intentions in the future."

"Hai, Sensei," I agreed as I smiled at my family to reassure them, "It won't happen again."

Raph knuckled the top of my head softly as I whined like I was supposed to. Everyone began to eat and I also took a waffle, but my appetite just wasn't there. I tuned everyone out as I picked at my food half-heartedly. I started at a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Raph looking at my unhappily.

"Ya look like shit, Mike," Raph blurted making me blush in embarrassment, "Now ya ain't eatin' one of your favorite breakfast foods. What tha shell kind of nightmare did ya have last night?"

"Wha…ah…um," I stuttered at a loss for words as I got lost in those beautiful, amber eyes that were staring at me before jumping again when Leo reached over and felt my forehead, "Leo?"

"You're a bit warm," my older brother voiced in concern as Donnie stood and began to check my pulse and feel the glands in my neck.

"Bros, I'm fine," I snickered out, "I just took a hot shower so I'm probably still heated from the water. Let it be."

"Michelangelo, you are not 'fine,'" Sensei admonished as I lowered my head dejectedly, "Even if your temperature has been affected by the shower you are clearly exhausted and need sleep. You will go straight back to your room and go back to bed. You are excused from training for the day."

"Hai, Sensei," I agreed feeling a little relieved at the prospect of getting some rest, "I'll go after I clean the kitchen."

"You'll go now," Leo disagreed as I was pulled to my feet and led towards my room, "We can clean the dishes."

I followed obediently like a dog. I was too numb and worn to fight and my bed was calling me pretty loudly. I sent Leonardo a look of exasperation as my oldest brother tucked me in my bed while he scowled at my messy room.

"It's art," I deadpanned as he sent a look my way, "I was going for 'Modern Art-Picasso.'"

Leo snorted and gave me a half smile.

"Take these pills," Donnie ordered as he handed me a glass of water and some medicine while walking into the room, "The sweat on your forehead proves that you have a low-grade fever and I don't want you to get worse."

"Yes, Doctor," I teased as Leo and Don rolled their eyes, but I swallowed the pills dutifully and lay down gratefully on my pillow.

"He asleep?" I heard Raph quietly whisper from the hallway a few minutes later.

"Yes," Donnie whispered back, "I'll go check on him after morning practice. His fever should go back to normal by then."

I vaguely felt a hand stroke the back of my head before my lights were turned off and the door quietly shut. Again, the shards of my heart pricked within me. Would this be what I was for the rest of my life? Just a baby brother to be babysat? I drifted off into an uneasy sleep, but for once I drifted into a deep rest that was not full of dreams that scared or hurt me. I enjoyed the feeling of nothingness until voices drew me from my sleep and I slowly began to return to the land of the living.

"Mikey?" Donnie's voice entered my thoughts and I hummed tiredly.

"Come on, Bro, wake up," I heard Leo encourage with a note of stress in his voice, "Open your eyes."

I grizzled grumpily and wrinkled my snout.

"Open those baby blues right now, Knucklehead," Raph growled and I slowly peeled my eye lids open and looked up fuzzily at my three brothers.

"Whazit?" I grunted before focusing on the fact that I wasn't in my room anymore and Master Splinter was also in Donnie's lab looking at me with great concern, "Huh?"

"Thank goodness," my purple-banded brother exclaimed as he sat heavily on a chair next to the bed I was lying in, "Mikey, you scared us half to death."

"What?" I asked feeling confused, but still noticing how Leo and Raph moved to lay a comforting hand on Donnie's shoulders.

"My son, you have had a very high fever for the last three days," Sensei informed me as my eyes widened in surprise and I finally noticed the IV needle in one of my arms, "We couldn't get you to rouse and you had us very worried."

I blinked in shock as I tried to process all of what I was being told. I looked up when Raph felt my forehead before smirking down at me.

"Now that's a way ta get out of trainin'," he chuckled out as Leo looked at him sourly, "That had some style, Mikey."

"Style my shell!" Leo snapped as he sat down on the bed and pulled me into a hug, "You are never to go out running in the sewers in the middle of the night ever again. Donnie thinks that you chilled yourself down and your body couldn't fight the fever because you were so tired."

"I'm sorry," I murmured as I reveled in the warm arms around me and smiled when Raph and Donnie joined in on the hug, "I'm okay, Bros."

I was surprised to feel how weak I was when Leo lowered me back down on my pillow. I felt my father squeeze my hand and I looked over at Sensei and grinned.

"You are on strict bed rest," Donnie informed me before his face softened at the yawn that forced itself out of my mouth, "Go back to sleep, Mikey."

"Kay," I slurred as my eyes closed of their own accord.

I was made to stay in bed for a week and I found sleeping to be a lot easier in Donnie's lab. I wasn't forced to hear the lovers' trysts. It was easier to handle being alone every night when you didn't have to pick up on the intimate closeness my brothers could share with one another. The pain in my chest grew daily, but it was an ache that I was becoming familiar with. Finally, Donnie allowed me to rest on the couch and I became happily involved in silly, reality shows that showed very little actual life.

"Good ta hear that laugh again," Raph grinned out as he walked in with Leo and Donnie after morning practice.

"Glad I could entertain," I chuckled as I shifted to look at my brothers, "Even I can call this stuff crap. It's ridiculous."

"Ha!" Donnie giggled as he plopped down and leaned against me, "I will remind you of those very words when you force me through one of your Horror Fests. Now those movies are ridiculous."

"Don't attack the classics, Dude," I whined as I enjoyed the feel of one of my crush's skin against my own, "You just don't appreciate real works of cinematic art."

Inside I felt like I died a little more. I was back to being the baby brother again.

"Art like your room?" Leo inquired with a smirk.

"Bah," I growled playfully.

I had a quiet afternoon of bickering and talking with my brothers. If this was all I ever was going to get from them, then I would enjoy what I was allowed to have. I guess beggars can't be choosers. By the next week, I was recovered enough to attend training again, but Master Splinter didn't want me to overexert myself so I was only allowed to stretch and perform a few katas. I sat out of the sparring and was told to meditate instead, but clearing my mind was difficult as I watch the movement of Leo's and Raph's muscles as they fought during afternoon training.

"Stop ogling," I warned myself as I looked away and closed my eyes, "Leo and Raph belong to Donnie."

I felt a presence hover near me and looked up only to freeze.

"Mikey?" Donnie said to me as I looked up at his kneeling form in surprise while he felt my forehead, "Your face is red. Do you feel okay?"

I blinked at him and then noticed that Leo and Raph were hurrying over after noticing what was going on.

"Is the fever back?" Leo demanded as he squatted down next to Donnie and I.

"No," Donnie denied, "His temperature is normal."

"Good gravy, Miss Daisy," I giggled out at my shocked older brothers, "I was just remembering a time when I really sucked at meditating and Raph teased me horrible. I guess I was blushing at the memory."

"I remember that," Raph cracked as he grinned, "Ya farted on Sensei."

"Yes, Raph," I groaned as I blushed darker, "I remember. Worse day of my life!"

"Leave him alone," Leo chuckled as he spun my mask around so I couldn't see, "Get back to meditating, Mike, and try to clear your mind this time."

"And not ya gas," I heard Raph laugh.

I fixed my mask back in place and finally was able to clear my mind and slip into a deep meditation. I blinked out of the trance later and saw that the dojo was empty except for Leo who was sitting lotus position in front of me.

"Leo?" I asked.

"That was a pretty impressive display of meditation skills," my older brother complimented me before frowning slightly, "Mikey, you went into a pretty, deep trance there and meditated for over two hours. I was just about to enter your mind and help guide you back."

"I wasn't lost," I denied feeling panic if one of my brothers ever did enter my mind, "It was just so…peaceful. I kinda understand why you and Sensei like to meditate so much."

Leo took my breath away when he gave me one of his rare, unguarded smiles. My heart throbbed as the love for my brother oozed up within me. I felt like such a cheesy, school girl.

"You could join Sensei and I during our meditation sessions sometime," he offered making me smile back to him.

"I'd like that," I agreed as Leo helped me stand before jumping when Raph came barging into the room.

"Knucklehead, ya've been hoggin' Leo long enough," my hotheaded brother crabbed as he swiped at me playfully, "Don needs ta see him out in tha garage."

"That was code for "we're going to have sex in one of the vehicles." Great! Life just keeps getting better and better.

"Okie-dokie," I chirped as I walked to the kitchen, "I'll start getting dinner started."

Leo and Raph halted and looked back at me.

"Are you sure that you feel up to cooking?" Leo asked.

"Good, Lord," I groaned rolling my eyes, "I had a fever not a life ending injury. I'm not made of glass, Bro. I am the Battle Nexus Champion, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah," Raph chortled, "I want lasagna, Champ."

"Sounds good," I agreed and watched as they disappeared through the door with an eager bounce in their step before I leaned against a wall and rubbed at the ache in my breast, "Have fun."

To be continued…