Title: The Blind Date
Summary: Elrond and Bilbo decide to set up their two respective best friends on a date. After all revenge was in order. AU- set in modern times.
Genre: Humour, drama, romance.
Warnings: slash, references to m-preg and non-con in later chapters. Some OOC simply because this is an AU, which means Thranduil and Thorin do not hate each other or have any history prior to their blind date.
Alrighty then, this is the first(second but I pretend the other doesnt exist) LOTR/Hobbit ficcy that I've written. And to be honest I don't know where the hell this fiction has spawned from...
"You know they'll kill us when they get back tonight," a tall, thin dark haired elf smirked, looking down at his old friend; a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins.
"Serves them right," Bilbo said, taking a puff of his pipe weed, "Thorin shaved my feet!"
"Why are you complaining?!" Elrond scolded, running a finger across the smooth, hairless skin above his left eye. "At least you can hide your feet! What am I to do about my eyebrow!? I still do not believe Thranduil shaved my eyebrow right off! I look like a fool! Elladan and Elrohir suggested shaving my right eyebrow so they look equal! Those brats…"
Bilbo choked on the smoke from his pipe weed, chuckling weakly.
"Well I better get going, I need to pick up the boys and Arwen- Legolas is staying over tonight," Elrond smiled, "Such a sweet boy- I still don't understand how he is related to that dreadful troll. Shaving my eyebrow…"
"What do you think, Leggy?" Thranduil sighed, observing him self in the mirror. He stood before a mirror, dressed only in green leggings, holding two different coloured robes. "Should I go with the green robes, or perhaps try the maroon?"
The young elf shrugged at his father, chewing on a braid of blonde hair. "Pink ones."
"I don't have pink ones," Thranduil grunted, "and get your hair out of your mouth, pen-neth!"
"But it taste like water!"
"Well, of course it does," Thranduil sighed, "I just gave you a bath, I need you to be nice and clean before I send you to uncle Elrond tonight."
"Where are you going?" Legolas asked. "Are Elladan and Elrohir going be there ada?"
"They do live with uncle Elrond so yes," Thranduil smiled, "I'm going on a date with a friend of a friend of Uncle Elrond's."
"Are you going to marry her?"
"It's a him and no," Thranduil smiled, kissing the young elfling on the forehead, "I'm just going to go and have dinner with him and then we will see what will happen."
"If you marry him, will he be my new ada?" Legolas asked, frowning, "I don't want a new ada, I like you!"
"Oh, my beautiful boy," Thranduil smiled, collapsing on his bed. "Come here and let me hold you! I will always be your ada!"
The youngster grinned and jumped into his father's arms. "I love you ada!"
"I love you more!"
"FÍLI! Give me back my brush!" Thorin roared, chasing after the cheeky dwarfling. "Do not make me spank you! FÍLI!"
"That's Kíli!" the older of his two nephews pouted, Thorin stopped and stared for at Fíli for a moment before he resumed his yelling and chasing.
Kíli giggled, making his way towards the bathroom, Thorin hot on his tail, but before Thorin could grab hold of the dark haired child, Kíli tripped over the rug, falling flat on his face.
"Oh Kíli," Thorin sighed when his younger nephew began to whimper. The dwarf dropped on one knee and pulled the child to his feet, turning the boy around to face him. "Are you okay, my little one?"
Kíli sniffed and nodded, holding his arms out for a much-needed embrace. Thorin pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly.
"Come now, uncle Glóin and Gimli will be here soon," Thorin smiled, "And I made spaghetti!"
Kíli pouted, and Fíli sighed, "Not again!"
"When you're older you can cook for us Fíli!"
"Can't you tell uncle Bombur to cook for us?" Fíli sighed, Kíli nodded vigorously. Kíli had been silent since the death of his parents less then a year ago, opting not to talk. Though he had come a long way since; getting even a nod was nearly impossible several months earlier.
"Now, come on, it isn't that bad?"
"It was still crunchy last time uncle," Fíli grunted.
"Oh shut up," Thorin grumbled.
"Hello uncle Elrond," Legolas smiled, hugging the older elf around his leg.
"Mae govannen, Little Green Leaf," Elrond smiled, patting the boy's head. "Have you been a good boy for your father?"
"Aye," the boy nodded, his eyes narrowing as he looked up at one of his favourite uncle. "What happened to your eyebrow?"
Elrond was saved from answering as his twin sons came stampeding into the room and carried a giggling elfling with them to the next room!
"What happened, indeed," Elrond said glaring at his friend. Thranduil smiled, "I will get you for this, you know that right?"
"I'll just shave your other eyebrow off," Thranduil shrugged. Elrond shook his head; recognizing the younger elf's expression, he looked apprehensive nervous.
"Are you ready for this?" Elrond asked, suddenly wondering if the date was the best way to get the elf back. It was after all the first date the other elf was going on since the incident. Elrond winced; he had not thought this through. "You can call and cancel if you like."
"No, no," Thranduil said, shaking his head, "It has been five years, I think it's time I moved on. If I do not like him, well… I just wont go out with him again. I mean how bad can it be- it's not like he's an orc or anything!"
"Yeah," Elrond giggled nervously as he followed Thranduil out to the door. "Have a good time, old friend."
"I will," Thranduil nodded, before he flung his arms around the older elf, uncharacteristically. Elrond hugged him back tightly. "Call me, if Legolas needs me."
"I will," Elrond smiled.
"Don't hesitate, in fact I will call you-"
"Meldir, calm down, he is in safe hands here,"
"I know, I just-"
"I understand, this is the first time you have left him alone since that day," Elrond said carefully. "You needn't worry, the boys and Arwen adore him as do I; he is like another son to me."
"I know," Thranduil nodded, smiling helplessly, "I- I should go before I change my mind."
"Go on, and enjoy yourself," Elrond smiled, "Let yourself get to know this man. Who knows, he might be just what you need."
"Have you met him before?" Thranduil asked, heading slowly down the three steps.
"No, like I told you he is a friend of a friend of mine," Elrond smiled. "Do you recall meeting Bilbo Baggins?"
"Aye," Elrond nodded. "Thorin is an old friend of his."
"Okay, I will see you later," Thranduil smiled, "Thank you, Elrond."
"You are most welcome," Elrond smiled back warmly as Thranduil entered his car and finally drove off. Elrond grabbed his head in both hands melodramatically. "I am such an idiot! What was I thinking!?"
"Oh- I'm late!" Thorin grunted, "Kíli, let go of my foot! I need to leave- uncle Glóin will look after you tonight! And look cousin Gimli is here! Hello Gimli!"
"Hullo unca Thorin!" Gimli said in a deep growly voice. The two grown dwarves chuckled at his bear-like voice!
"Come now, Kíli," Glóin took a hold of Kíli who flailed in his arms as Thorin dove for the door. The youngster had trouble separating from his uncle, but the dwarves knew he had to learn, one way or another. "You're alright laddie, Thorin will be back soon enough."
"Bye Fíli, bye Kíli," Thorin said as he closed the door and raced down the staircase, cursing the broken elevator in his old apartment block. He finally reached the ground level, racing past his brother-in-law's red Toyota Prius that he now used to travel with his nephews, and to his old motorcycle. He revved up engine and drove off.
Of course, being Thorin Oakenshield he lost his way.
Thranduil sighed, thirty long minutes had past since he had arrived. He sat in a booth, lonely. His date hadn't arrived.
His date had stood him up.
Thranduil was ready to get up and leave when the bell jingle behind him sounding the entrance of a being. Thranduil looked over his shoulder and found a dwarf- definitely not his date. Elrond wouldn't dare set him up with a dwarf. Would he? Thranduil's thoughts raced to Elrond's eyebrow.
"Are you Thrandurin?" Thorin asked, eying the elf distastefully. He was going to kill Bilbo. He set him up with a fucking elf!
Thranduil imagined himself choking the life out of Elrond.
"I am- I mean, it's Thranduil," the elf responded, sputtering his response. He was glad his father wasn't present to witness that feeble response. The dwarf sat opposite of the elf eying the taller yet thinner being. Piercing blue eyes, ridiculously long blonde hair that he had clipped back into a loose ponytail, he was dressed in a rather expensive looking robe that looked out of sorts in the café but oddly enough it looked good on the elf. Thorin smiled slightly; at least the elf was easy on the eyes. "You must be Thorin."
The dwarf nodded, as Thranduil took him in. Dark, wavy locks, with two long and thick braid behind his dwarfish ears; and oddly enough a beard that wasn't the standard foot long beard that most dwarves possessed. His was short, complementing his features. The dwarf was handsome; Thranduil couldn't deny it.
"So uh, have you ordered?" Thorin decided at least to be civil to the elf. If he enjoyed himself Bilbo's prank would backfire on the sneaky little hobbit! Just like the last prank the blasted hobbit played on him.
"No, I was waiting for you," Thranduil said softly.
"Sorry, I lost my way, twice," Thorin shrugged, "not that good with finding places."
Thranduil smiled, awkwardly, "Perhaps a GPS would be a useful investment."
"I have one, still got lost," Thorin smiled weakly at the elf.
"Are you boys ready to order?" the waitress asked. Thorin quickly glanced at the menu as Thranduil ordered a salad with chips and a Sprite. Thorin was surprised the elf drank anything but water.
"Yes, I'm starving! Uh, yeah, I'll get a large steak, with gravy and chips, and a large coke," Thorin said, "And can we also get some of those garlic prawns, Sue, and garlic bread."
"No worries," the waitress responded, before she walked off. Thranduil raised a brow.
"You know her?" he asked, softly. The dwarf nodded.
"I come here often, I work down the road," Thorin responded, "They have great steak, and the prawns are to die for."
Thranduil nodded, "I don't eat meat that often."
"Which explains why you ordered rabbit food," Thorin chuckled. Thranduil looked at the dwarf with a raised brow. It was then Thorin noticed how thick and full of life they were. They reminded him of Bilbo's feet. The dwarf started chuckling louder.
"What is it?" Thranduil asked, confused.
"I just- your eyebrows remind me of Bilbo's hairy feet," Thorin said with out thinking.
"What?!" Thranduil asked, his eyebrows narrowing, offended. He rather liked his eyebrows- they were full of sass!
"Not that they are hairy," Thorin said, laughing harder when he noticed the glare he was receiving. "It's just I shaved his hairy feet two weeks ago; I believe that's why he set me up with an elf!"
Thranduil frowned; but something occurred to him and he smiled. "I believe Elrond did the same to me- I shaved off one of his eyebrows. Hence why I am with a dwarf."
Thorin lost it by now, smacking the table in mirth as he roared with laughter.
"One eyebrow only!? Jokes on them," Thorin said as he sobered up, "I'm rather enjoying myself and my company."
Thranduil blushed slightly, when the prawns and garlic bread arrived. He watched as Thorin picked up a prawn- it was still in its shell. The dwarf pulled it apart and ate the meat inside before he picked up a second.
"Eat, elf," Thorin smiled, pushing the plate closer to the elf. Thranduil eyed the prawns curiously when Thorin held a pealed prawn forward. "Here try it."
Thranduil tentatively took the prawn from Thorin's hand, their fingers touching for the slightest moment. The elf put the prawn to his mouth and took a bite. He chewed softly and then swallowed the small morsel. It was a pleasant flavour, the texture was bearable and soon enough he had finished the rest of the prawn. No sooner he swallowed the last bit Thorin held another to his mouth; the elf opened and took the prawn in, feeling the dwarf's rough finger rub against his bottom lip.
"It's good," Thranduil nodded as their dinners arrived. Thranduil smiled when Thorin licked his lips and eyed his steak. The two ate in silence, comfortable with the other's presence. Thranduil felt relieved at how the date was going; it wasn't the best place to have a date, as it was in no way romantic but he was enjoying himself. He was terrified of leaving his son alone- sure he had left him alone at school during the day, but this was different. This was the youngster's first sleep over, the first night away from his son. Something occurred to Thranduil all of a sudden interrupting his brooding.
"I don't understand, how did you get lost when you come here often?" Thranduil asked. Thorin blushed.
"I have a terrible sense of direction," Thorin shrugged, "I don't usually drive here, I walk so I think I took the wrong street or something the first time."
Thranduil smiled as he took a sip of his drink.
"So what do you do?" Thranduil asked. The man was a dwarf, he was pretty sure he worked in a mine but he was an elf and he was no toy maker.
"Supervisor at a mine," Thorin responded, "The mines down the road belong to my cousins Oin and Glóin. They're brothers."
Thranduil's head tilted, "Do all dwarves names rhyme?"
"No," Thorin responded, but then he thought about it. "Nori, Dori, Ori… Bombur, Bifur, Bofur… Zippy, Wippy and Flippy… Okay most do. I think my siblings and I were the exception."
"Flippy and Wippy?" Thranduil repeated. Thorin smiled. "I am an only child… What are your siblings names?"
"My brother's Frerin, and my sister's name was Dís," Thorin said, his voice low and full of melancholy. Thranduil looked up at the dwarf with wide eyes. "My mother and father were slain by orcs when we were children. My sister was in a car accident."
Thranduil frowned sadly, "I'm sorry… my mother was slain by one years when I was still a child."
"Yet still that man refuses to do anything about them," Thorin sighed, angrily.
"I've heard rumours," Thranduil said softly, his eyes darting around nervously. "The Steward allows them because they aid his cause."
"Considering they killed the king all those years ago," Thorin growled, understanding the elf's tenseness; but they were in safe territory- no one in this café like orcs- Thorin knew being a regular customer of the place. The last time an orc walked in, it hightailed out from all the glares it received. "I wonder what happened to his boy; I do hope he is well and safe."
"It would be nice to see the return of the King," Thranduil nodded, he stretched in his seat slightly. "Shall we leave? Perhaps a walk is in order?"
"Aye, I'll take care of the bill," Thorin said. Thranduil opened his mouth to object but Thorin stuff the last piece of garlic bread in the elf's mouth. Thranduil made a noise of protest behind the bread. "I will pay this time- and the next. I have the beard after all."
"Are you saying I am the woman of this relationship?" Thranduil asked, playfully.
Thorin chuckled, "You are wearing a dress."
"It's a robe, Hairball," Thranduil laughed.
"Come, let us bask in the moonlight,"
"Well, aren't you romantic," Thranduil smirked. Thorin winked at the elf with a smirk of his own.
Well that was chapter one. Errr, I don't know which depths of hell this fiction came from but yeah, I had to get it out of my system. Hell, the bloody thing has a sequel in the works right now! The entire story has been written and I'll be updating every few days, simply because I like to keep people on their toes and annoyed.
Yes, Oropher is alive in this fiction- why, because I want him alive, that's why! Actually there is a reason but that reason will be revealed in later chapters. There will be many cameos from many of the characters of both LOTR and the Hobbit, and that's both characters from the book and from the movies. There will be a few OC characters that you'll meet in the later chapters, but they're not that important to the plot. I just added them because I needed more characters. Apparently there wasn't enough…
I know some people will wonder why they(Thorin and Thranduil) get along so quickly- that's obvious. No dragon, no reason to dislike each other. Also in both their minds, this way Elrond and Bilbo's revenge backfires!