A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt

By: firefly

Note: Pure, unfettered crack. Making fun of anything and everything that makes fanfiction so great and dear to our hearts.

A Shotgun Full of Rock Salt

Once, long ago, before the Earth existed, the universe was busy blowing its brains out to create the fabric of time and space. It was a time-consuming process; a couple billion years went by as matter began sorting itself out.

A lot of miraculous things happened during all of this. The building blocks of life were being created. Stars were being born. Something frightening and beautiful was beginning to take shape in the vast blackness.

And somewhere in all this chaos, a tiny, insignificant little speck of a thing happened. Through some force beyond our understanding, some atoms aligned in a way that would forever set the course for a not-yet-existing life form.

Exactly when this preordained fate came into effect was not meant to happen for another few billion years. But the pieces were set. And through this arrangement, the universe would bestow an unfortunate soul the shittiest, absolute worst, so-bad-it-seemed-like-a-joke, god-awful luck in the history of humanity.

His life was doomed to be a clusterfuck of emotional devastation, chronic illness, and the committal of an atrocity so terrible it would forever confine him to a life of misery and loneliness.

It was so bad, that when he died at the measly age of twenty-one (in a horribly painful way, to boot), he did so with a smile on his face because he knew his hellish existence was finally over.

The universe had conspired against him from the very beginning, but he'd finally beaten it by kicking the bucket.

It should have ended there. But then somewhere a trillion billion million light-years away, there was a minor glitch in the spacetime-continuum; a little hiccup that ruined everything.

No, annihilated everything.

Something happened, something so pivotal, it reached across the borders of life and death and wrenched this poor soul back out of the grave and into existence.

This one, critical act destroyed the only happiness this man had ever known and transpired from a single deed of carelessness that wouldn't have held any sway even if it happened in an infinite number of universes:

A boy named Naruto forgot to set his watch for daylight savings time.

Uchiha Itachi had been dead all of five minutes when Team 7 and co. arrived an hour earlier than scheduled. They found his body dumped in a quarry, sprawled out next to Sasuke's.

Sakura and Hinata had immediately gone to healing Sasuke as the others stood around staring at Itachi's corpse.

"Well, that's over, then," Kakashi declared, pulling out his book. "Poke me when we're ready to go."

It only took a few minutes before the combined efforts of Hinata and Sakura stirred Sasuke back into consciousness. He sat up in a daze, looking to be in a state of shock when he saw his old teammates standing there.

Naruto was extremely relieved to see he was all right, but had the foresight to understand that his friend would probably make a run for it. So he did the sensible thing and punched him in the back of the head.

Unconscious but fully healed, Sasuke became an afterthought as Sakura suddenly got up and ran to tend to Itachi. Why she'd even bothered was a mystery. He was already dead. Bringing him back to life just to take him back to the village for execution seemed redundant.

"Sakura, I think he's dead," Naruto said, toeing the corpse. "Oh, gross, look at his eyeballs!"

"Naruto, please!" Sakura cried. "I'm trying to save him!"

"What's the point?" Kiba asked from where he was lazily playing fetch with Akamaru. "The guy's a criminal. They'll probably give us an award if we bring him back dead."

"Because!" Sakura said vehemently, "I'm a medic and that's what medics do! I didn't take the Hippocratic oath for nothing!"

"But he's dead," Naruto repeated.

Sakura ignored them. "Hinata, come help me."

The reluctant girl came over and took a seat by the body.

"Give me a scalpel," Sakura ordered, suddenly pulling on a pair of latex gloves.

Kiba and Naruto's eyes widened. "Whoa, what are you planning on doing?"

Sakura snapped on the glove and looked down at the corpse with grim determination. "I'm going in for an internal cardiac massage."

"What do you mean you're—oh God what the fuck!"

"Hinata, hold open his chest cavity!"

The sound of someone losing their lunch shortly followed.

"Fascinating," Sai said, looking on in interest.

Kakashi briefly glanced up from his book to see Sakura wrist-deep in Itachi's chest, applying chakra blasts directly to the heart. He let out a low whistle and went back to his reading.

"Forget this," Naruto said, strolling off towards Amaterasu's flames. "I'm gonna go make some ramen."

Twenty minutes passed. Naruto returned and sat down with a cup of steaming noodles. Kiba fell asleep. Yamato's trees burned to the ground.

And finally, after exhausting the two kunoichi and leaving them looking like expendables from a gore film, Itachi's heart wrung out a single, involuntary beat.

Thirty-five minutes later.

"Finally," Uchiha Obito muttered under his breath, making the climb back down into the quarry. He'd been forced to leave Itachi's body and the half-dead Sasuke on the rocks for an hour because he'd forgotten he hadn't had any medical supplies in the cave.

The closest market had been six hundred kilometres away and he'd exhausted his chakra in the effort to get there and back with his teleportation jutsu. Granted, he kept an alternate dimension full of miscellaneous stuff if he ever needed it, but since he never really got injured, antibiotic cream and bandages weren't usually on the list.

Hoping the buzzards hadn't gotten to them yet, he jumped down onto the ground and took the drug mart bag from between his teeth.

"Finally," he repeated in a murmur, taking a deep breath as he started forward. His time had come. He would remove Itachi's eyes and tempt Sasuke over to the dark side with the truth about his brother's past.

With Sasuke inevitably running amuck, he would infiltrate the higher echelons of the shinobi world and set his Moon Eye plan into motion. Uchiha Madara would make his return. The world would come to war. And then—

He stopped dead.

The spot was empty. All that remained were several large bloodstains.

He looked around, wondering if Sasuke had come to and moved himself and the body elsewhere. But the land was barren and there wasn't a chakra signature in sight.

The shopping bag slipped from his grasp, spilling rolls of bandages over the stone. He started forward in disbelief, refusing to accept that he'd misplaced them, when his foot brushed something on the ground.

Obito lowered his eyes and felt his heart go still in his chest. There was a discarded ramen cup on the ground.

No, he thought faintly, understanding slowly dawning on him. No, no, no...

The shock of this devastating realisation, combined with how winded he was from the climb, along with the pre-existing heart condition he didn't know he had, led to only one outcome.

Uchiha Obito suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead.

And with the presence of the lone buzzard that alighted on Obito's head, a potential chapter in the book of Konoha's history came to a sudden and secretive end.

The Fourth Shinobi World War was over before it even started.

Danzo was getting prepared for his inauguration speech and was busy scowling as an aide fitted an earpiece into his ear and attached a mic to his robe.

"Bah," he grunted, waving the nitpicking man away. He couldn't be bothered with all this new-fangled technology. If it had been up to him, he would have skipped the ceremony altogether and saved Konoha the tax dollars.

But his advisors had assured him it was necessary to establishing a rapport with the youth, because enrollment at the shinobi academy was at an all-time low. Danzo didn't understand why. Working long hours in inhospitable conditions with a maximum life expectancy of forty seemed fair to him.

He was quite literally ten seconds away from approaching the stand when a sudden commotion at the village gates got the crowd's attention. Team 7 and Team 8 burst into the village, accompanied by Kakashi and Yamato and the presence of two very familiar, severely injured-looking people.

Danzo's eye widened when he realised who Kakashi was carrying. Granted, he couldn't see his face from where he was standing, but the abomination of nature that was his arm started throbbing in an aroused way at the unmistakable scent of Sharingans in the air.

It would have been better for him had he allowed them to slip by unnoticed for the time being, but now he was irritated because he was a minute late in starting and their appearance had thrown off his whole groove.

Feeling the need to vent his ire, he gestured the tech crew to aim the spotlight on the new arrivals and bring attention to the rudeness of the interruption.

"What is he doing here?" Danzo demanded, sounding personally affronted as he pointed to Itachi. He didn't seem to care that the Uchiha was half-dead and dangling over Kakashi's shoulder.

"Uchiha Itachi and Uchiha Sasuke have been captured. They are here to be tried in court for their crimes against Konoha," Yamato announced.

Danzo frowned. "But that would be a waste of tax dollars."

Kakashi and Yamato blinked. "What?"

One of Danzo's advisors approached from behind and whispered into his ear. "What's this about, Danzo-sama?"

Danzo resisted a sigh and turned away from the crowd, impatiently gesturing that he'd be back in a second. He also happened to forget that he left his microphone on after he disappeared behind the stage curtain.

Within the span of a minute, the entirety of Konoha listened to Danzo blow the lid off the biggest inside job in Konoha's history. It happened through the most lackluster exchange imaginable, with Danzo mumbling things along the lines of:

"...wasn't supposed to come back—figured he would die when he got caught spying...no, no, that's the younger one...was supposed to off him but Sarutobi...no, I ordered him...I don't know, I was having a bad day..."

The crowd fell dead silent as the other advisors looked on the empty stage in horror. As they leapt up to go stop him, Danzo emerged again, apparently unaware of what he'd just done.

"There will be no trial," he announced gravely. "I am charging Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Itachi with war crimes under our new martial law. They will be executed immediately."

"You can't do that!" Sakura cried indignantly. "Where is Tsunade-sama?"

"Tsunade is indefinitely retired," Danzo said coldly. "I am the new Hokage."

"Like hell you are," Naruto yelled before flying out of nowhere and punching him in the face.

There was instant pandemonium. Other shinobi rushed in, infuriated by what they'd just heard. And since Naruto punching people was an approved national pastime, the rest of the audience swarmed to join in.

It quickly dissolved into a bloodbath, with screams, vandalism, and a full riot breaking out. Danzo's dismembered, eyeball-covered arm flew out of the melee and landed at Kakashi's feet.

Kakashi stared down at it. Then he uttered "to hell with this" before picking it up, grabbing Sasuke and Itachi's bodies and taking off towards the hospital.

By the time the few shinobi who hadn't lost their minds reined in the mob and re-established control, the inauguration stage was demolished and all that remained of Danzo was a blood smear.

Since everybody had been collectively involved in the murder and you couldn't put an entire village in jail, no arrests were made and everyone got to go home.

It was also the second instance of fantastic timing that day for Naruto and the others, because less than twenty-four hours later, Tsunade awoke from her coma.

Unfortunately, it was to a Konoha in a state of emergency.

Its former Hokage was alive but currently indisposed, and there was the urgent matter of a highly-wanted missing-nin recovering in the hospital as the village registrar struggled to get their records straight.

Sasuke, having already recovered from Sakura's efforts, was told the truth about his brother, at which point he promptly collapsed and suffered a nervous breakdown.

The boy was a wreck, veering between threats to kill them all and crying hysterically because they'd forgotten to tell him that Itachi was still alive.

Having already enough to deal with, they bound him in chakra ropes and dragged him along to Tsunade's office, where the Hokage was dealing with her near-death experience in the best way she knew how.

The stench of alcohol wafted out of the room when they walked in, emanating from the bleary-eyed woman slumped on her desk.

She was only there to sign papers and make things official, because everyone knew that all major political decisions of Konoha were really up to Naruto. Granted, he had no real leadership experience and had the equivalent of a grade six education, but he was idealistic and had the magic talent of punching sense back into people, so in a way he was more than qualified.

A moment after they entered, Kakashi walked into the room humming a tune under his breath.

"I have news," he announced. "Uchiha Itachi is in stable condition and the eye transplant was a success."

A muffled scream interrupted the brief silence that followed. They all looked towards the corner of the room where Sasuke was bound and gagged and now struggling violently.

Naruto slapped his forehead. "Oh, crap! I forgot to tell him."

Moving over to his friend, he undid the gag and placed both hands on his shoulders. "Haha, seriously my bad, Sasuke. I forgot to tell you! Your brother is alive."

Sasuke screamed out some incomprehensible blend of death threats and swear words, eyes wild with the refusal to believe another outlandish lie.

"It's true," Kakashi said calmly, coming over and kneeling next to his old student. "I had a feeling you wouldn't believe us, so..."

He withdrew a Polaroid showing Itachi unconscious in a hospital bed, with a smiling Kakashi standing over him and giving the peace sign.

There was a long stretch of silence as Sasuke stared at the picture in disbelief. Then he collapsed in a heap, weeping his heart out.

Kakashi tucked the photo back into his pocket and steered Naruto back to the Hokage's desk, leaving Sasuke to console himself in the corner.

"It's all true, Baachan," Naruto said feverishly as she rubbed slow circles on her temples. "We all heard it from Danzo himself. None of this was Itachi and Sasuke's fault."

"It's too early and I'm too drunk for this right now," Tsunade said. "So I'll take your word for it."

"What now, though?" Kakashi questioned. "With everything we know, can we just...let them back in?"

Tsunade frowned and took another swig from her bottle. "I don't know, Kakashi. Itachi will be wanted by the other villages for his crimes, and Sasuke committed treason of his own volition." She paused. "But then again they've gained the village's sympathy...it'd save us the tax dollars."

"You bastards!" Sasuke screamed from the corner. "You heartless, lying sacks of piss-shit! Fuck you! I'll kill all of you! I'll—"

Tsunade scowled. "Can you shut him up? My head is killing me."

Naruto rushed over to him and slapped him across the face. "You idiot! Take advantage of this! All the crazy shit you did seems justifiable now."

When he'd managed to subdue Sasuke, Naruto turned back towards Tsunade. "So what do you say, Baachan? This way, we won't have to go chasing after Sasuke anymore and he won't be trying to run. Itachi stays alive, and everything goes back to normal, right?"

"No," Tsunade said bluntly. "Of course not. But I'm nearing the end of my rope and you're next in line for Hokage, so as long as you take full responsibility for this—"

Naruto bobbed his head eagerly.

"Then fine," she concluded, crossing her arms on the desk and putting her head down. "Their citizenships are reinstated. Now go home."

Naruto let out a whoop of joy, pausing long enough to grab a stunned, near-catatonic Sasuke before he ran out of the room.

Kakashi stared at the Hokage in surprise, wondering what on earth had gotten into her. He waited till he heard the footsteps disappear before he stepped forward and spoke in a serious tone.

"Hokage-sama..."

"Huh?" she mumbled.

"...can I get the day off?" Kakashi asked hopefully.

"Hn."

Kakashi beamed, gave her a salute, and walked out whistling.

Pain.

It was the first thing he became aware of when his thoughts came back into focus.

It was something so familiar he found himself greeting it like an old friend; albeit the sort you didn't like but were compelled to acknowledge because you were seeing them in the grocery store after nine years.

It was dull, though, and his perception of it was muddled. He couldn't quite tell where he was hurting. It felt like everywhere.

The pain ebbed a bit when he became cognizant of noise and light. His eyelids flickered at what was undoubtedly a bright glare. He heard voices.

Am I in hell? He wondered briefly. If so, it's not so bad.

"He's waking up."

Itachi flinched, not expecting the high-pitched voice so close to his ear. Slowly, his eyes cracked open. Intensely bright light left him squinting for a long moment, but then his eyes adjusted and he made out a window across the room.

The view outside looked hauntingly familiar.

Then he blinked in astonishment.

I'm not blind, he realised suddenly.

That wasn't possible. Unless, he really was dead and this was some form of limbo, in which case he could poke himself and check. Reaching up, he aimed to touch his new eyes when a figure appeared at the foot of the bed.

His blood stilled in his veins when he saw who it was.

"Please don't do that," she said, frowning at him. "You just had them transplanted."

Pink hair. The girl on Sasuke's genin team. Was she dead, too?

"I know," she said, smiling at what was apparently a confused look on his face. "Everything seems a little fuzzy right now, but that's the morphine."

Itachi stiffened. Morphine?

His mouth felt like the underside of a sponge dropped in acid, but he moved his lips until he managed to string together a hoarse sentence.

"Where am I?"

Before she could answer, another woman, this one with short, dark hair, came up beside her.

"You're in a hospital," the new woman said gently.

Itachi's brow furrowed. Why was she being so nice? She knew who he was, no doubt about that. But she had this strangely sympathetic look in her eyes, which didn't make any sense unless he...

Itachi's eyes widened. Oh, no.

"It's all right," Shizune said softly, resting a hand on his leg. "We know everything."

Itachi only stared up at her blankly.

"How much you sacrificed," Sakura said slowly, shaking her head. "Being a double agent..."

"It wasn't your fault," Shizune continued, trying to sound comforting. "You were too young to do anything about your family's coup."

"You don't have to worry anymore, though," Sakura added, giving him a reassuring pat. "You're safe now, back in Konoha where you belong."

There was an extremely long silence.

Then there was a sudden crash and spike in Itachi's electrocardiograph when he made a lunge for the knife on his lunch tray.

Every patient on the floor suddenly woke to the commotion of shattering dishware and Sakura's frantic screams as Uchiha Itachi tried to commit suicide with a butter knife.

Shizune pinned him down and Sakura wrestled the knife out of his hands.

As they issued a code white for a violent patient, Itachi sagged back into his bed, so numb and disoriented he actually tried to close his eyes and will himself to die. His heart was still beating though, and he couldn't hold his breath because he was starting to hyperventilate.

He shouldn't have been alive.

He Should Not Have Been Alive.

Life had already destroyed him. Life had already taken everything away. He literally had nothing left to give. But by some horrible, heinous twist of fate, his life had been spared.

"Hold his arm," one of the orderlies said in the background.

Something bit into his skin and the result was instantaneous. He went limp, head dropping bonelessly onto his pillow as a winded Shizune and Sakura finally let go and took a step back.

"Yeesh," Sakura said, frowning as she straightened her hair. "You'd think we threatened to kill him or something."

"Yeah," Shizune agreed, looking a little put off. "But the poor thing's been through a lot. He'd probably appreciate it if he saw some familiar faces."

"Good call," Sakura said, turning and leaving with her colleague. Her voice faded down the corridor. "I'll see if can get Sasuke in here tomorrow. Last I heard they started renovating the old house so they can move back in. Had to get rid of all the mold. And those bloodstains, of course..."

Back in the room, a single, despondent tear came out of Uchiha Itachi's eyes.

And somewhere far, far away, tucked in some blackened crevice of the unknown universe, someone started to laugh.