Author's Note: Hey so once upon a time I wrote a short little scene about Jim and Spock meeting as kids and it turned into a 20k+ fic oops
Sarek/Amanda is my lifeblood.
General information about this fic: Jim and Spock are currently 5 and 6, respectively. This is way pre-Abramsverse, so while the entire Kelvin fiasco has happened, nothing else from the 2009 film has. I'll be covering everything from Tarsus IV to Sarek's reconciliation with Spock to Frank (Jim's stepfather), so we're in for a longish ride. Expect to see other characters cropping up as well. (coughLeonardMcCoycough)
This is the intro- I'll try to get chapters out as quick as I can. Please enjoy!
It was third time in a four-week span that Spock had come home with blood on his face, and Amanda was done.
She and Sarek had a screaming match; at least, Amanda tried to have a screaming match with Sarek, and he "logic-ed" at her until she slammed her fist into a wall and broke two of her fingers. Which, annoyingly enough, would have also happened if she'd punched him in his smug, logical face.
"Amanda," he said reprovingly, and she scowled at him, cradling her hand.
"Don't. Do not use that tone with me right now, Sarek. This is our child-"
"A child who is failing to control his emotional responses. He attacked Stelek as well."
"He's six years old!"
"His age is not an excuse for lack of discipline. He must outgrow it."
"Are you missing the part where this is not his fault?" Amanda snarled. "He is being bullied by classmates twice his age. It's gone from verbal abuse to physical, and you want me to let him 'grow out of it'-"
"As if his human blood is something he'll ever be able to change-"
"It is not a question of changing him, but rather his responses-"
"When they are beating him up-"
"Regrettable, but not altogether unexpected-"
"Not unexpected? Yeah, of course, why expect acceptance from the race who preaches IDIC-"
"Spock will learn from this."
"How the hell is he supposed to learn when he's miserable and in pain?!"
"We knew he would face difficulties-"
"No. Stop, just-" Amanda forced herself to breathe, squeezing her eyes shut. When she opened them again, she was burning with new determination. "We've had this argument too many times before, Sarek. It can't be left unresolved anymore. I know you're perfectly content with running away to your duties and ignoring your commitment to your own family, but I won't let it happen again. We need to fix this."
"Amanda," said Sarek coolly. "I do not 'run away' to my duties. They are extensive; we discussed this prior to our decision to have a child."
"Just as we discussed our mutual commitment to raise that child together," she said frostily. "When you're around, you're not here. Not for him. Ever since he started training in Surak's philosophies, you've been avoiding him."
"That is not true."
"It is true! And Spock's noticed it too; he feels like he's failing you, and that just makes the teasing at school worse."
"His inferior genetics are not his fault."
There was a long, deadly silence.
"...My words were spoken without thought. I-"
"Because, you see," said Amanda, lip curling dangerously, "I expect that now. From everyone on this fucking planet, all I ever hear is that Spock is going to be somehow less because he's fifty percent mine. It's what his classmates say, it's what your colleagues say, hell, it's what your family says. But I honestly never thought I would hear it from you."
"I did not-"
"You need to stop talking now, Sarek. If you say anything like that again, you will regret it for the rest of your life- because it will be a life without this family, do you understand?"
"…Forgive me," said Sarek quietly. "It is…a mindset that has become ingrained over time. It is untrue. I am sorry."
"Well," she said, smiling bitterly. "At least you're sorry."
"No, I understand. It's all any of us hear these days. Spock is genetically inferior, Spock is a disgrace to your house, Spock will never measure up to his peers- never mind that he's at the top of his class- and why? Because you married the little human whore who dared to have your child."
"I want to take him to Earth."
That got his attention. "What?"
She nearly faltered, but as she thought about it, the idea began to take shape. Earth was infinitely more diverse than Vulcan, and though Spock would likely still face teasing, it might be easier for him than on a planet where everyone's haircuts matched.
"You heard me. I love Vulcan, I do. But it's poisonous to him. I want to take Spock to live on Earth."
"That is impossible," he said. His eyes were cold. "We agreed that Spock would be raised the Vulcan way when he was born."
"Then I'll leave," she said, and as the truth behind the words sunk in, she said them again, numbly. "I'll leave you. And I'll take Spock with me."
It was, surprisingly, the first time she had actually said the words out loud. She'd thought them before. Living on Vulcan was hard, and had been hard since the day she married Sarek. But before, the benefits seemed to outweigh the cost. She loved her family. She loved Sarek, more than she could say. She had to love him, because frankly, putting up with his bullshit sometimes required the kind of patience that only true love could provide. But Spock was everything to her, and Vulcan was hurting him. There wasn't another choice.
Sarek said absolutely nothing for three seconds too long, and Amanda felt a cold weight settle in her gut.
So this was what would break them. This would prove all of the gentle concern of her family and cool condescension of Sarek's colleagues right. A human and a Vulcan couldn't work out after all.
Spock was the one thing she could never compromise on.
And then, as she turned with tears in her eyes to pack up her few possessions and call her sister for a place to stay, Sarek grabbed her wrist.
"There is an embassy," he said. "In Iowa. It would be out of the city, and the temperature at this time of year is warm enough to allow Spock to adjust. We could enroll him in a local elementary school, and provide him with Vulcan texts so that he would continue to be challenged in his studies."
Amanda stared. Sarek continued, rubbing his fingers along hers in a gentle caress.
"There is a university not far from the embassy. You could teach there, if you would like. I will stay on as Ambassador but I will…endeavor to be more involved with Spock's life. You are correct in your opinion that I have been neglectful of my familial duties. His continued emotional and physical harm is unacceptable. I should not have expected him to reject his human side. I…hope you will forgive me, ashayam."
…And hell, but what was she supposed to say to that?
Damn Vulcans and their totally-logical-give-me-a-break apologies. Damn Sarek and his pretty gray eyes.
And damn love, and all that it did to her.
She closed her eyes and leaned forward so that her head rested against his chest. After so many years, she was no longer surprised at the silence where a human heart would beat. She brought her hand up to his side, where- there. The rapid thrumming, once so alien, was now as familiar as the desert skyline outside their window.
He brought his arms up to wrap around her in a rare display of affection, and she grinned, remembering the dull throb of pain in her hand.
"I cracked the wall," she said, a little proud, and if Sarek smiled into her hair-
Well, no one would know.
Spock thought he had failed.
She knew the second she gave him the news; she saw the split second of emotion on his face before it was tucked away behind that steel wall he had been building since he was three.
"That is unnecessary, Mother," he said quickly. "I am content with our current state."
"Well I'm not," she said honestly, kneeling down so that they were eye level. "I'm not content here, Spock. I can't watch you get hurt anymore. "
"You are not happy here? With me and Father?" Spock asked uncertainly. His eyes were sad. Amanda backtracked quickly, horrified. Spock's emotions were even more of a minefield than regular children: his nonverbal cues were unreliable, and navigating a conversation as emotionally complex as this was draining. No wonder Sarek had run in the other direction.
"No, sweetie, of course I am," she said, and some of the tightness left Spock's eyes, though the unhappy slant to his mouth remained. "I love both of you very much. I love living here with you. But…it's been difficult. For all of us."
"I make things difficult," Spock interpreted, and she tried not to bang her head into the wall. She swore that when those kids who bullied her little boy and butchered his self-esteem grew up, she would hunt each of them down.
"No, Spock," she said firmly. "You have never made things difficult. It's others around you who are the problem, do you understand? They don't appreciate people who are different. I'm hoping that on Earth, people will be a little kinder, a little more accepting. You have nothing to be ashamed of, honey, and nothing to be sorry about. Okay?"
It took a lifetime, but eventually Spock nodded. She hugged him, and he cautiously brought up his own arms to rest against her back. She sucked in a breath and savored the embrace; Spock had been getting more and more distant as he aged, and had started shying away from her affectionate hugs and kisses. He was determined the be the perfect Vulcan, and though she would love him no matter what he chose to be, she couldn't help but miss the little boy who had held her hand and giggled when she kissed the tips of his ears.
Maybe on Earth, things would be different.
Coming up: Spock meets this crazy-ass kid from Iowa who likes to jump off of high things for fun.
(Also if anyone has any prompts please please please PM me or comment or something I will probably write it I'm at my grandparents' house and the only thing within like 50 miles is Wal-Mart I am so stir-crazy I will write anything you want except smut or really romancy stuff just because I'm shit at romance but hell I'll try if you really want it I swear anything I'm going out of my mind here hELP)