A/N: This might just be the stupidest thing I ever wrote, but I was tired when I came up with it and laughed my arse off, so congrats, I offer it unto you.
Disclaimer: No one belongs to me, they're all the creation of Joss and the ME team, neither of which involve me in any way. I get no money from doing this, just happiness and respite from the barrage of shit life enjoys shoving in my face. Boy, wasn't that bleak? The story isn't, so y'know ignore the rant and get reading with the stupid goodness.
Distribution: Hooray! Just keep my name on it.
Rating: changed it to M, though it's a cautionary M, (I would put T, but in aid of not having my backside booted off of the site, M it is), for mild/moderate language and non-explicit sex. Well, noises... And one description of a certain someone's backside. Yes, I went there.
And on with the show.
"Angelkins, God, it's been too long."
Cordelia scrambled towards the door of the Hyperion, cross in hand, ready to take down the bleached Vampire. "Hey! Stay the hell away from us. Angel, why aren't you making with the staking?"
Spike chuckled at the brunette, causing her to shove the cross in his face. He hissed, "hey, watch it. I'm on your team, crossbow girl."
"What?" She turned to face Angel, "what?"
"He's working for Buffy now." Angel glared at his petulant Grandchilde. "Which doesn't explain what he's doing here."
"Nice to see you too, mate. Buffy wants a book. Or she wants me to give you a book. Can't remember, wasn't listening, but seeing as I don't have a book, hand it over, Soul Boy."
Cordy was confused, and Queen C despised being kept in the dark. What happened to her being the Queen of Gossip? "Um, anyone want to get back to the part where Spike's suddenly good?"
Spike smiled lasciviously at the buxom brunette, "Oh, baby, I'm still very, very bad," he curled his tongue behind his teeth.
"He's been neutered", Angel cut in, "the government put a chip in his brain so he can't hurt humans."
"I am NOT neutered, and I can still kick demon arse" he growled at Angel as though to say that includes you, mate. "Slayer lets me help out, sometimes she pays me for information which keeps me in blood. Sometimes I go on errands just to escape Harm's clutches."
"You're dating Harmony? Oh this I gotta see. When she was here she kept talking about this boyfriend of hers, but knowing it's YOU, that's frickin' priceless!" Cordelia beamed.
"Don't even. The woman drives me barmy, what is it with the sodding unicorns?"
Cordelia grinned, "that's our Harm!"
Angel cleared his throat, face in full-on brood-mode, "if you two girls are quite finished…" Two heads flicked towards him, glaring. Cordelia didn't appreciate her boss interrupting 'Gossip Time'. "What did Buffy want?"
He sighed, "a little detail would be nice."
Spike made a face, "well I'm sorry if I'm not as attentive as you. Probably has something to do with me not being Slayer-whipped."
"HA!" The two vampires turned to face Cordelia, who was roaring with laughter.
"What?" They asked, in unison.
"It's just" she managed between snorts, "you two. I mean we all knew Angel was Buffy's lap-dog, but then Captain Peroxide over here turns up on an errand for her, to visit her ex-boyfriend who he hates and is at great risk of being staked by and can't even see that he's just as whipped as Angel."
Both Vampire's jaws were slack.
"I am NOT attracted to the Slayer. Pfft. No way. Not me. I'm not attracted to the Slayer." He turned to Angel, "Oh God, what if I'm attracted to the Slayer?"
His question was greeted by a punch to the face.
"Ow! What was that for?" The peroxide vampire cradled his stinging cheek.
"Stay away from Buffy." Angel shook his hand. God, those cheekbones really were sharp. "You touch her, and I'll kick your ass."
"Watch it mate, I can't hurt Buffy, but I sure as hell can hurt you."
"You can try."
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "For Chrissakes! I can't keep up with you damn Vampires." She turned towards Angel's office, "I mean one minute you're good, then you're bad, then you're good then you're about to beat the shit out of each other and I've had enough!"
They looked at each other and muttered like naughty school kids.
"Sorry Miss Cordelia." Angel offered.
"We promise not to do it again," Spike finished, the two of them sniggering.
"God, how in the Hell does Buffy deal with you two?" She huffed, reaching for the door to the office.
"Buffy's got a soft spot for me." Spike announced proudly, resulting in another punch in the face, courtesy of Angel.
"Don't say her name."
Spike grinned, "Oh Buffy, Oh Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, BUF—"
Angel leapt across the room and knocked Spike to the floor. Angel straddled Spike, raising his fist to punch his Grandchilde. Spike continued to grin. "Do it, baby, it'll be like old times. Y'know, like when you were feeling a little frustrated after a long day's torture, or Dru and Darla went off for girly time an' left you wanting. All you really wanted was a body to hulk over."
"Shut up Spike." Angel faltered, giving Spike time to roll them over so he was on top. Spike, who had no such reservations, proceeded to beat the crap out of his Grandsire.
"Oh Angel, I think I'm just an object to you," he whined mockingly. Angel punched him in the face, knocking the younger vampire off of him and across the floor.
"My God, you two are such children." Cordy entered Angel's office. "I'm just gonna grab my stuff and get the hell out of here before I'm forced to break-apart World War Three or sweep up two matching piles of dust." She heard the door shut behind her as she searched for her coat and bag amongst Angel's crap. The guy should really learn how to take better care of his office, but if she brought it up she just knew it would be her who would have to find the cleaner to do it.
She was glad Gunn and Wes were out on a mission that night because Spike probably would have met a dusty end. Then again, Wes was English and Gunn would probably find Spike's brand of humour funny.
She shrugged on her coat and fished her lipstick out of her bag for a refresher. Then she paused. Those two had been quiet for a few minutes. Too quiet. Cautiously, she opened the door, a small part of her hoping they'd killed each other so she wouldn't have to deal with any more bickering. But she was wrong. So wrong.
Cordy saw something no employee of a very loosely souled Vampire should have to see. Angel, on top of Spike. No, wait, Angel IN Spike.
She tried to scream, but no noise came out. She made for the door but couldn't make her legs move properly.
Her legs wouldn't work. Part of her was so very mesmerised by the way the light was bouncing off of Angel's pasty white ass. To be fair, they were two incredibly hot Vampires.
"Oh, God. Oh. Uh! Uh!"
She snapped out of her haze and ran to the door, desperate to be away from the copulating Vamps. Hot or not, the noises they were making were just plain nasty. The door slammed shut behind her, not quite quick enough to miss one last. "Christ, Angel! Right there…"
Cordy shuddered and ran off into the night. Well, to the safety of her car.
Some time later, the two vampires lay in the lobby of the Hyperion, bare-ass naked, both with a cigarette hanging from between their lips.
Spike turned to his Grandsire, "so… Still in love with the Slayer, then?"
Angel looked down sullenly, "Yeah, you?"
"Yup. I really thought that last time would do it." Angel nodded in agreement as the two smiled in reminiscence. Spike blew smoke in the face of his Grandsire. "Still think I should visit more often?"