Santana, in some ways, has become my comrade in arms. Both of us were broken hearted and trying to find our way in the city of our dreams. After the 'Come What May' crying jag, things had fallen apart with Adam. He was, of course, very sweet and understanding when I explained that I wasn't ready to start a new relationship. We both knew another boy still owned my heart.
Santana still had a sharp tongue and biting wit, but anyone who truly knew her, could see how much she was still hurting over Britney. When I wasn't busy at Vogue or school, Santana and I could be found on the couch in the middle of a 'Facts of Life' marathon.(Santana may have a crush on Joe) We had bonded over old TV sitcoms and terrorizing Rachel, so it came as a surprise when right in the middle of our TV marathon, Santana suddenly muted the sound and turned to face me.
"Do you ever look back on the time you had with Blaine? Not the big moments, like your first kiss or the first time you had sex, but the insignificant moments? The ones maybe you took for granted?"
Santana was never one for deep conversation, so this question shocked me.
"I...I guess I never really thought much about it. Blaine was my first everything, so pretty much everything we did was a big deal for me. But, since we broke up, it hurts too much to think about."
Santana nodded her head slowly. I had never seen her look so vulnerable. It was a little shocking that she was letting me see this side of her.
"I know everyone thinks Brit and I were all about the sex and having fun," her voice cracked, and she had to stop and take a deep breath. "The truth is, I love her more than anyone or anything I have ever had in my life.
A tear slipped out the side of her eye, and she discreetly wiped it away with the end of her shirt sleeve.
"The things I miss the most are the most insignificant." Here voice was very subdued her eyes staring off into space. "After my Abuela disowned me, I used to cry a lot. Brit would wrap her arms around me and hold me. She would talk for hours about her damn cat, and I began to realize that just hearing her voice and feeling her arms around me, shut off the voices in my head. The ones that said I was flawed, or that nobody was ever going to love me because I liked girls. She silenced all my fears.
My eyes burned with tears. I knew exactly how she felt. Blaine had always been my anchor when it felt like the world was against me. I knew he felt the same way, when we were together.
"Did you ever have moments like that with Blaine?" Santana, asked after a moment of silent introspection.
"Do you remember last year when Rachel and Mercades re-auditioned for Maria? They sang for all of us and the football team." She nodded
"They did the audition during our lunch period, and when they were done, we still had twenty minutes before our next class. Blaine and I left the auditorium together and started walking toward the lunch room."
I closed my eyes as that day came back to me in sharp contrast.
"Half way down the hall, Blaine suddenly stopped and grabbed my hand. He pulled me into an empty class room. He shut the door and turned the lights off. My first reaction was to smile because I assumed that he wanted to make out for the last twenty minutes of lunch. As soon as he turned toward me, I knew that wasn't the case. He had this look of pure adoration in his eyes. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and lay his head on my chest. It wasn't sexual by any means. He simply wanted me to hold him. I wrapped my arms around him, and asked him what was wrong.
"Nothings wrong. I'm just feeling needy today. I just want to hug you for a while."
"When the bell rang, he squeezed me tighter for just a moment, and then he stepped back. He kissed me gently and then he left for class."
As I came back from the memory Santana was smiling.
"It was the first time I had ever seen him so...Vulnerable. He has always been Mentor Blaine. The boy who always wore a smile and went out of his way to make others happy. But, in that moment, he needed someone to be there for... him."
Something was beginning to trouble me. Something I should have noticed a long time ago.
"After that day, whenever Blaine was feeling needy or stressed, he would find me and let me hold him until he was feeling better."
I stood from the couch and began to pace around the living room. My thoughts were running away.
"I never really thought about it much before, but these hugs would happen when he was stressed out. The first time in, in that class room, he was stressed about his audition."
Back and forth I paced, as Santana watched on from the couch.
"Kurt? What's wrong?" She finally demanded.
"Oh, nothing. I'm just realizing how bad I messed up."
"What are you talking about? Blaine is the one who cheated. You didn't do anything wrong." Santana replied.
"Of course I did," I exclaimed. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't gone there that day, he would still be with them, and I wouldn't have abandoned him and drove him into someone else s arms."
It all came out so fast that Santana could hardly keep up. I was having a mini panic attack.
"Whoa, whoa, stop Kurt. You lost me about two miles back. Sit down and tell me what you are freaking out about."
I took a deep breath, and then sat back down beside Santana on the couch.
"Santana, When I first met Blaine, he was this confident beautiful boy, who serenaded me with his glee club. And then I transferred and came to realize that Blaine was basically hailed as a god at Dalton. He was the lead soloist, and mentor to the whole club. He had it all. Easily the most popular boy in the whole school, with the talent to back it up. He told me, the first time I met him, that the Warblers were like rock stars. Blaine was treated like a rock star by anyone he came across. He never took any of it for granted. He held that school in the palm of his hand and he appreciated every second of it. As much as those boys looked up to him, he always treated them with kindness."
"Okay, Okay, I get it. Gelmet ruled the prep school. I still don't understand how it's your fault that he cheated."
Of course Santana would never understand. She never thought about anyone but herself, and maybe Britney.
"It's my fault because, I guilt-ed him into giving it all up. I told him I wanted my senior year to be magic, and the only way for that to happen was for him to transfer, so we could be together all the time."
I dropped my head into my hands in disgust.
"He gave up everything for me, and I just abandoned him there."
This is exactly what he said was going to happen, when he and I went to see Ms. Pillsbury. He laid out all his fears and I brushed them off. I didn't keep my promises.
"Okay, stop. Kurt, are you listening to yourself? Listen to me maybe Blaine did give up everything for you, but he did it because he loves you. Anyone with eyes can see how much that boy adores you."
"That may be true Santana, but that doesn't change the fact that I just left him there. Left him to fend for himself. He was so scared that I was going to move away and forget about him."
I stood so I could start pacing again.
"He was so sure that I would make new friends, and start my new life, and not need him anymore. It may not have been intentional, but that is exactly what happened."
"What in the hell are you talking about?" Santana asked, Confused. "I don't understand."
"I promised him, Santana," Kurt snapped. "I promised we would have Skype dates and talk on the phone. I promised that we would be okay, because we loved each other. I am the one who broke all those promises. I started skipping his phone calls and rescheduling Skype dates. What was he suppose to think?"
Why had I never thought about this before?
"He is supposed to understand that life is hard. He was supposed to understand that this is the real world. Your not in high school anymore, Kurt. You have a job and school and responsibilities."
She was right, but it still didn't make him feel better.
"Kurt, listen to me okay? I may be a raging bitch most of the time, but even I can see that you still love him. Maybe you did drop the ball a little, but so did he. You both hurt each other. Now, you have to ask yourself if you still see a future with him. If so, then you have to actually talk to him and get rid of the Harry Potter reject. If not, then you need to make it clear to Blaine that you are over. So that Blaine can move on too. Right now you are in this sort of toxic limbo state. Blaine is back in Lima, pining over you and trying to convince himself that he is okay with being 'Just Friends'. Anyone who looks at his sad pathetic eyes, can see that he is anything but okay."
"Oh god," Kurt Groaned, flopping back against the couch.
"Why does life have to be so hard? Can't we just go back to watching 'Facts of Life' and leave the life changing decisions for another time?"
Santana rolled her eyes and settled in for more TV.
"You know I'm right about this Lady. You totally cried, thinking about Blanderson, while sitting next to Dr. Who, while watching a musical about prostitutes."
"Shut it, Satan." Kurt Snapped.
Santana fell over laughing as Kurt, pointedly ignored her.