I sincerely apologise for the long break between updates, family and friend problems, college mock exams, the internet went down, all very stressful ~ thank god it's the holidays!
I hope you all like it, nearly done now...
"Do you know, how long, I have been looking for you?"
Jim had finally walked into their apartment, walking through it slowly as he looked for Khan, the panic rising in his body as he couldn't see any sign of him.
He had found Khan in their bedroom, his back against the window that made up the fourth wall, with his head in his hands.
Jim stared at him for a moment before asking him, "Do you know, how long, I have been looking for you?"
Khan didn't move.
"Hey. Khan! I'm talking to you." Jim's breathing increased as Khan continued ignoring him.
He talked to Khan, but he daren't move any closer. There was something about Khan, he was giving off... A feeling. A warning. To stay away. To not go near him.
Khan looked like a hurt predator, waiting to strike anybody who went near him to release the pain he was feeling.
Jim knew Khan was hurt, but right now, he didn't care. Khan had hidden this from him, gone against his releasing rules and not warned Jim about it, and consequently landed Jim in trouble.
Jim was pissed.
More than that, he was hurt. And he was confused. And he was disappointed.
Jim had trusted Khan, and Khan had thrown it back into his face, and now he didn't even have the decency to speak to him-
There was still no response from Khan.
Khan; had his back against the window, his legs brought up to his chest, with his hands rested on his knees and his head resting in them, his hair was a mess. That was all Jim could make out about the man he loved.
"Khan? Are you even listening to me? I've been looking for you everywhere, nobody knew where you were, you're not answering your communicator, I needed you, to talk to you-"
"It doesn't matter." Khan replied, quietly yet with a hard voice clipped of emotion.
Jim stared at him, mouth hanging open. "What?"
"I said, it doesn't matter." Khan replied, his voice a little louder.
"It doesn't matter? Oh right, sorry, my mistake." Jim muttered quickly, his voice raising with every word. "It doesn't matter. No, you're right, course not. It doesn't matter that you've been lying to me. It doesn't matter that you've been plotting behind my back. It doesn't matter that you've been USING ME, TO GET TO WHAT YOU REALLY WANT."
Khan had gone back to ignoring Jim, so Jim continued talking, his silence riling Jim up even more.
"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY? I KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN GOING, KHAN. I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE REALLY BEEN DOING. I KNOW WHAT THIS, ALL OF THIS" Jim threw his hands up in the air, "HAS BEEN FOR.
"And stupid, naive, young, Jim, believed every word that came out of your mouth. I trusted you."
"None of it matters."
Jim closed his eyes as those words washed over him. "None of it matters?"
"None. Of. It."
Jim nodded slowly, Khan's words confirming what Admiral Hobkinson had spent the day shovingdown his throat.
Of course none of it mattered. Why would anything here, in this age, matter to Khan? The only thing Khan cared about were his family, and everything else either was in the way of what he wanted or could be used to get what he wanted.
Where did Jim fit in those two categories?
He knew he fit in the latter, but that was earlier. What about now? What about when Khan found about what Jim had done? Then what would Jim be to Khan?
Before, he was a tool. Now, he is nothing. Jim had nothing to give to Khan; he wasn't an augment, he didn't have any special powers, there was nothing about him that made him stand above the rest of the human race.
Jim was nothing to him.
And if he wasn't already, he soon would be.
It was silent in the room as Jim stood by the door, just thinking, and Khan sat against the window, just thinking.
Thinking until Jim didn't want to think anymore.
He suddenly moved, heading over to Khan with long strides.
He placed his hands on Khan's shoulders, and pulled him up.
Khan wasn't expecting it, he wasn't prepared, and that's the only reason why Jim managed to pull him up. Once Khan focused on the present, he pushed Jim's hands off of his body, growling at him.
Jim's face crumbled, showing just how hurt he was, before he shook it off and replaced it with anger.
"What am I to you? Where do I fit in with all these plans?"
Khan wasn't listening to him. He shook his head as if he was shaking off Jim, and half-fell back into his position against the window. "Don't you see? None of it matters."
"I MATTER." Jim roared back at him, before he faltered, taking a step back without realising it. "Don't I?" He waited for Khan to speak, but he got nothing. He looked down at the floor as he took steps back, his world crashing, his body giving up.
He fell to his knees. "I don't matter."
His mind became hazy, his body reacting in a way his mind didn't fully grasp. Jim could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, hot against his cold skin, leaving tracks behind.
He didn't matter.
It was as if a fog had fallen in the room, slowing down both of their thoughts, numbing them from the pain they were feeling, but from everything else as well. They both struggled to grasp the true meaning of their thoughts, going over and over the same thoughts in their head, yet still not fully sinking it.
"They've gone." Khan whispered. "They're gone... I failed them." He brought his hands to his face, cupping it as the truth finally hit him. His hands tensed into claws, caging his face as if he was locking the world out... Or himself in.
Jim looked up from his thoughts as he heard Khan's body-raking sobs in the air.
"What?" He asked, not understanding why Khan was crying, only now realising something was wrong with Khan. "What did you say?"
"They've gone, James. They've been taken away." Khan calmed down to whisper. "I failed them." He clenched his hands into fists, pushing the ball of his palm into his eyes, screwing up his face as the ugly guilt washed over him. "Again."
"No..." Jim muttered, watching Khan with a confused expression on his face.
"Yes." Khan growled at him, his eyes flashing as he glared in Jim's general direction.
"No... No, you haven't. Well, you have, but-"
Khan pounced on him, knocking him backwards and pinning him to the floor in one move. "Am I not feeling enough pain for you? Do you aim to make me feel worse?"
"Khan no, listen-"
"I know what I have done and I know the consequences of my actions. Do not test me right now James."
"They're not - Are you threatening me?" Jim's eyes flashed as the anger he felt earlier towards Khan resurfaced. "Everything I've done for you, and all this time you were just using me, and now you threaten me? Are you fucking kidding me?"
Khan was watching him with a bewildered expression, as if he was watching an animal prepare to attack. This line of thought meant he was prepared when Jim suddenly rolled them over, and he slipped out from underneath Jim before Jim had finished moving, making him fall against the floor.
"I have not been using you?" Khan stated a fact, but his confusion made it sound more of a question.
"Don't lie to me." Jim warned him.
"Have I ever given you any reason to doubt me?"
Khan took a step closer to Jim as Jim took a step back. "No, you haven't. That's the worse part. I completely fell for it, every single lie, I fell for it, I fell for you! I believed you and I trusted you and all along you've been planning your escape!"
"They are my family, what do you expect me to do? Leave them to freeze until somebody finds them and kills them off one by one?" Khan shouted at Jim, taking another step closer.
"I expect you to talk to me!" Jim mirrored his step. "I could have helped you, we could have... I expect you to trust me with helping you. Or, expected." Jim looked down as he adjusted his thoughts. "Now I don't expect anything from you."
Khan looked at him, ordering his sorrow to the back of his mind and narrowing his eyes as he thought over Jim's words. "What am I missing?"
"What?" Jim snapped at him.
"You, these are not your words, or your feelings. Who have you spoke to about me?"
Jim stared at him, a mental battle raging of whether to throw Admiral Hobkinson's name into the conversation and tell him just what he's been doing all day, or... "Get out."
"What?" Khan's eyes widened slightly in surprise.
"I said, get out. I don't want you here. I don't want you anywhere near me. Leave."