Make Me Laugh Contest Entry

Title: The Day I Touched A Real Life Boob

Picture prompt used: #33

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters but I do enjoy making Edward young and inexperienced. It's funny - read it.

Summary: "Do you remember your first make out session? I do. It was so good that in the aftermath I wrote an ode to Bella's breasts. My name is Edward and this is the story of how I touched a real life boob."

"Dude, what's taking you so long? I have to take a harsh piss."

I growled at myself in the mirror and opened the bathroom door for my 16 year old brother.

"I'm trying to do my hair. It's not working."

"Obviously." Jasper sauntered over to the toilet and took a leak. For a guy with a small penis he was overly cocky – heh heh. Not that I was looking.

"Thanks, Fuckface. I'm going over to Bella's house later and I was trying to look presentable."

I could have done without his snort.

Today of all days, I wished Jasper wasn't such a jerk to me. I guess that came with the territory. This was an important day for me and, clearly, I was stressing out about it. So much so that I'd already had diarrhea twice. Awesome. Super sexy.

Bella and I were … well, I didn't know what we were, to be honest. She was a girl, and my friend, but I didn't know if I could take the space out between the two words and change my Facebook status to 'in a relationship'. Maybe I was supposed to officially ask her to be my girlfriend first? Was that cheesy? Was there FB protocol on something like that?

In any case, Bella and I had only recently established that I liked her and she liked me. And we also confirmed we liked kissing, and that was why it was such an important day for me. I had a whole afternoon of kissing Bella to look forward to.

Fuck, I had to take a shit again.

"Going to Bella's, huh? I take it Chief won't be home?"

My grin was huge. "Nope."

Jazz zipped up and went to leave, foregoing the sink. Nasty!

"Uh, don't you want to wash your hands?"

My brother looked at me like I was crazy. "Why? I shook my dick twice. That's the rule – anymore than that and you're just playing with it. Shake, shake, done. It's not like I got piss on my hands. Shaking's sufficient 99% of the time."

Made me wonder about the other one per cent. Eeeww.

I jutted my chin at him. "I noticed you only used one hand for it. I have to use two."

"You wish. We measured once, remember?"

Damn it! Forgot about that. God, I wished he'd never brought that up. His was a whole inch bigger. Well, half an inch. Actually, now that I think about it I'm pretty sure it was only a centimeter in difference. Or so. Give or take.

Jasper leaned against the doorframe and rolled his eyes as I tried to manipulate my hair.

"Did you brush your teeth? Floss? Shave? Put on deodorant? Spritz your cock with cologne?"

"Yep." Note to self: spritz cock with cologne.

Fuck it. I gave up on my hair. Hopefully Bella found the chaotic look sexy.

"Did you clean the pipes?"

I scratched my head. "Why? Did you clog the drain?"

"Oh my God, Edward. Clean the pipes. Choke the chicken. Fondle the fig. Jerk the Johnson. Use your sister's lotion to whack off- which, by the way, is wrong on so many levels. Do you get it now?"

"Yeah, I get it and no, I didn't jerk off. Why would I?"

"Oh, little brother. You have so much to learn." Jasper shook his head as he went to walk away.

"Wait! Aren't you going to explain why?"

"You'll figure it out the hard way, heh heh."

Fucker left me clueless, once again.

"Are you sure your dad's not coming home any time soon?"

I looked suspiciously around Bella's living room, half expecting Chief to pop out from behind the couch and bust my ass for stepping foot in his house when he wasn't home. I walked closer to the entertainment centre and looked for a hidden video camera - I wouldn't put it past him, sneaky bastard.

"Edward, relax. My dad told me he'd be back by five, which means we have four hours or so. Come on, let's go up to my room."

Gulp.

"We can listen to music and stuff."

I was definitely interested in the 'and stuff'.

Without further ado, Bella tugged on my hand and led me upstairs. This was uncharted territory for me – I'd never been in a girl's bedroom before. Obviously, I'd been in Rosalie's, but she was my sister so it didn't count. Being in Bella's was different. It was so pink and purple-y, and smelled good. I guess compared to my room anything smelled good, but this was almost heavenly.

Stop smelling her pillow, freak.

After Bella put on some tunes she sat down on the edge of her bed, tapping the spot beside her in invitation. As I sat down next to her I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I mean, holy shit! I was in a girl's room! Sitting on her bed! Smelling her smells! Not her 'smells', but you know. Right, I should probably say something.

"Bella-"

"Edward-"

"Sorry, go ahead." I offered.

"I was going to ask you to kiss me again. What were you going to say?"

"I was wondering if you had any cool scars."

"You were wondering if I had any cool scars?" The way she quirked one eyebrow up was cute.

I nodded. "Uh huh. I'll show you mine if you show me yours?"

Bella smiled at me. She must have some cool scars, too. Awesome!

"I'll go first. See this one on my forehead? Jasper whacked me in the head with a bat when we were playing human piñata – don't ask. And this one is from sock skating on the hardwood floor. I had my hands in my pants, so when I fell I couldn't break my fall. Smacked my chin on the floor, and Dad had to give me five stitches for that one."

"Why were your hands in your pants?"

I shrugged. How could I ever begin to explain the warped mind of ten-year-old Edward Cullen?

Next I showed Bella the scar on my leg from when Jasper used me as a shield and let the neighbor's dog bite me. After that, I shared the mark that was on my left hand from an unfortunate incident between Jasper, a sharp kitchen knife, and myself. Notice how my brother has been involved in most of my battle wounds? Told you he was a jerk.

"And this one wait—" Light bulb. Yes, it took that long. "What were you going to ask me?"

Bella smirked. "I was going to ask you to kiss me again."

"So, you don't have any cool scars?"

Fuck, I was a sorry excuse for a horny teenager.

Bella laughed. "You say whatever comes to mind, don't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Sometimes it gets me into trouble."

"You should stop talking then."

"You'd think I'd learn by now but, nope, quite often I keep going on and on when I shouldn't."

"Like now?" Bella asked.

Being Captain Oblivious, I just kept babbling.

''Exactly. My mom says I talk because I like to hear my own voice. That's not actually the case. If I'm nervous I –"

"Edward."

"Huh?"

"Shut up."

"Sorry, sometimes I –"

"No, really, shut up. You're adorably clueless."

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"I can think of better things to do with that tongue of yours."

"Like wha—"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

Bella pounced on me, her mouth hard and urgent on mine; our teeth clanging together. The kiss took me by surprise and I was left breathless when we finally broke apart.

"Wow!"

"Don't you start talking again," Bella scolded.

I shook my head. "Nope, I wanna do that again but, uh…." I paused, too embarrassed to say what was on my mind.

"What were you going to say?"

"Nothin'. I'm going to sound stupid."

Because that would be a switch.

"I promise I won't laugh."

I blushed as I spoke my words. "I'm new at this. I want to take my time; learn how to do it right. I mean, if that's okay with you?"

Bella smiled. "More than okay with me. We can go as slow as you need."

Leaning forward, I lingered there and stared into her eyes. The moment before the kiss, being so close I could feel her breath against my lips, was as exciting as kissing itself. Well, almost.

"Your eyes are really pretty."

Bella made a face. "They're just boring brown."

"They aren't 'boring brown'. It's like I'm looking into a bowl of chocolate pudding."

"Uh, thank you?"

"That's a compliment – I love chocolate pudding. You know, my mom makes–"

Bella shook her head, then crooked her finger at me. I took the hint, shut up, and put my mouth to better use.

I took the lead that time and swept my tongue across her lower lip. Bella's eyes fluttered closed; I took that as a good sign. Google had suggested nibbling on her lip so I lightly bit down, one eye open to gauge her reaction. She almost purred into my mouth, a sound that went straight to my groin. Damn!

The more we kissed, the less nervous I became. I may have been new to making out but Bella had no complaints so I guess I was a natural. In fact, I was feeling quite comfortable. Even more so when we laid down on her bed. Like, horizontally. Holy shit! I guess kissing me must have made her tired. I would have preferred her on top of me but we were on our sides, facing each other, her body close enough that I could feel the heat coming off her.

As we continued making out, I couldn't help but remember what Mom had said once upon a time. Kissing led to a boob grab, then a butt grope, and finally dry humping. Oh my God, please let there be some dry humping! I didn't even know what it was exactly, but I was so down with anything that used the word 'hump'.

I figured I should probably start with the boob grab. Was it too soon, though? Would it earn me a slap across the face or a kick to the groin? I could make it look accidental; just sort of graze my hand against the swells. Should I ask permission first? How did one ask permission anyway? "Excuse me, Bella, may I fondle your boobs?" Or should I say breasts? Maybe she'd find it hot if I called them titties? Did other people think as much as I did while making out?

Fuck it. I was going for it.

I reached for a boob. The left one - in case you were wondering. I froze, holding my breath, waiting to see how Bella would react. Don't worry, she reacted favorably by not assaulting me. The guttural, pleading sound she groaned into my mouth was the go-ahead I needed. Okay, the groan was mine; but Bella didn't protest.

I was so enthralled with touching that boob, I had to break the kiss to watch myself fondling it.

"Huh." I uttered quietly.

"'Huh' what?"

"I'm touching your boob – a real life boob. Sorry, this is all new to me. I'm a little excited. Well, not excited excited. Okay, I am, but…never mind. This is awesome!"

"You crack me up. So tell me, what do you think of a real life boob?"

I gave it gentle squeeze

"It's soft, but firm...and not as squishy as I thought it would be."

"What did you think it would feel like?"

I squeezed her breast again to reconfirm what was in my head. "Definitely more like marshmallows than Jello. May I feel the bottom one?"

For some reason that made Bella laugh. I guess technically it was her right but in the position we were in, it was her bottom boob to me.

"Please."

That one word was all breathy and hot against my face. I wasted no time and soon I had both breasts in my hands. Fuck me.

We went back to kissing as I felt her up. Eventually my hand went under her shirt and I could feel her nipples straining against the cotton of her bra. It was almost sensory overload. I fully understood the point Jasper was trying to make at home about jerking off before a date. Ouch.

Note to self: play whack a mole before next date with Bella!

With everything that was going on - her tongue tangled with mine, her boobs in my hands, her foot dragging up and down my calf and her hands wandering in a lazy circuit from the back of neck, down my jaw and across the plane of my chest - I could easily lose myself in all the sensations.

What I did lose track of was time. Apparently Bella was equally invested in our make out session, because one minute we were both feeling pretty amazing and then we were shitting our pants. Not kidding – I have the skid mark to prove it.

"Bella?"

No, that wasn't me softly crooning her name as we made out. It was Chief bellowing his daughter's name up the stairs. I tore my lips away from Bella's to whisper-yell in panic.

"I thought you said he wouldn't be home until five?"

We looked over at her clock, which clearly read half-past. We both jumped up.

"Holy shit, I'm a dead man!"

The fact that Bella didn't disagree freaked me the fuck out.

"Edward, you have to leave! NOW!"

"How the hell do you suppose I do that? Your father cannot find me in your bedroom, especially with the massive chubby I'm sporting."

Well, massive was being generous but she got my point.

"The window!" Bella was already at it, yanking it open. I went over to where she was and looked down, way down and shook my head.

"We're on the second floor! I can't just climb out your window like I'm some fucking spider monkey. I'll probably break my neck!"

"At least you'd have your balls intact. Your choice."

I scratched my head. I was rather attached to my balls.

Shit!

Yep, there was some in my shorts.

We could hear Chief stomping his way upstairs as he called out again.

"Bella? You in there?"

"Go! Go!"

"Oh, fuck!"

I dangled one leg out her window and said a silent prayer – for my balls and my neck. Probably should have prayed for the rest of my body as well.

Plan A was to shimmy down the side of the house holding onto the drainpipe – I saw it in a movie once - except there was no drainpipe in reach. Plan B was to grab onto the tree branch and climb gracefully down the tree to safety. Being that I'm Edward Cullen, plan C came into play, which was me landing unceremoniously on my ass.

"Edward! Are you okay?"

I did a quick assessment and noted that although my wrist was probably sprained, my balls were in good shape and really, that was most important.

"My balls are still attached, no worries."

"Good. Go, run! Call me later!"

"Wait! Bella?"

"What?"

"Can I change my Facebook status?"

"What the fuck, Edward? You want to put on Facebook that you touched my boobs?"

"No, silly. That we're in a relationship."

"Shit, you have to go! Coming, Dad!"

"Bella, wait!"

"What now?"

"Thanks for letting me touch your boobs."

She laughed. "You're too much, Edward. You're welcome. Now go before my Dad kills you."

"Right. This is probably one of those times I should stop talking—"

"GO!"

The urgency in her voice made me get a clue and I got the fuck off Chief's property as fast as my legs could carry me. Even if he did kill me, I'd die a happy man. Bella's boobs in my hands were the highlight of my life so far. Inspired by them, I went home and composed a poem. Well, more like an ode. I couldn't wait to share it with her.

Dear Bella:

I wanted to tell you I had fun earlier today

I'm glad we got to kiss and play.

I have to tell you - your breasts are the best.

Seriously - way better than all the rest.

Not that I've touched all that many

Truthfully, besides my mom's, there haven't been any.

But that's not really the point.

Please know your boobs didn't disappoint.

Speaking of – do you prefer the word boob, tittie, or breast?

Whatever you call it, yours are the best in the Pacific North West

So perky and squishy like a marshmallow

I hope you don't think I'm being shallow.

I just really enjoyed touching them a lot

And can't get them out of my train of though.

So thank you for letting me fondle your breast

May I have one small request?

Not that I'm saying your boobs are small

Because they are perfect – don't doubt that at all

My request is may we do it again soon

Like maybe tomorrow afternoon?

Yours truly,

Edward.