Wacky Elven Thesis

Summary: Crossover of Evangelion and Elfen Lied, played in the interest of lighthearted crack. Shinji/Lucy pairing, though Lucy acts rather differently on account of a few things different in her past. Those who take the fic too seriously will report to Lucy for suicide by Diclonius.

At the SEELE meeting of holographic monoliths - hololiths? not monographs, certainly - 05 remarked, "As you know, gentlemen, we've largely managed to prevent a Diclonius infestation since the Angel-derived retrovirus was unleashed during Second Impact, and four hundred ninety-nine of every five hundred specimens have been executed upon discovery, with the survivors being used as research subjects in order to better kill the others. The retrovirus can mutate infant children into proto-Nephilim, the main symptoms being pink hair, pink eyes, a pair of white horns protruding from their skulls, and an ability to manipulate objects by telekinesis, which somehow has properties similar to the 17th Angel's AT Field."

03 whined, "Is there any reason you're telling us this when we've heard it all a million times?"

05 had the grace to sound abashed. He probably would've looked the part as well, but represented only by a black numbered monolith as he was, no one will ever know for certain.

"Well, you know that one test subject?"

09 snorted. "The one you always ramble about, codenamed Lucy? If you go on one of your creepy quasi-ephebophilic rants one more time, 05, I swear in the name of God that I am going to-"

"She escaped."


All monoliths focused their scanners on Chairman Keel Lorenz, the only one who had the sheer... nerv... to not bother hiding his face, had an expression as if he had just been told the most pointless joke in the entire history of comedy - it hadn't even been a joke he could take offense to, merely one that had been terribly over-hyped and then found severely wanting.

"I'm sorry," Keel began. "Would you care to repeat that, 05?"

"I didn't exactly stutter, but under the assumption that you need a new hearing aid, I suppose I'll deign to repeat myself. Lucy, age 14, was able to escape the compound we've been holding her in. I myself am not well-versed in the details, but the result is that she escaped her restraints and then went on a murder spree throughout the compound until she finally managed to get outside."


05 smugly replied, "You fool! I had a sniper shoot her in the head, after which she fell off a cliff! Nobody could possibly survive that!"

06's expression couldn't be seen, because he was only represented by a monolith, but his tone gave the impression he'd had to introduce his palm to his face. "You do realize," he dryly said, "that according to your own status reports, Lucy has survived being assaulted with minigun fire, being hit dead-on with artillery shells, and blunt impacts to the head with a baseball bat as applied by a robot with beyond-human power. And yet you're confident that one bullet to the head and a dive off a cliff face will put an end to her."

Sounding much less smug now, 05's intelligent reply was "Um..."

04 attempted to regain a semblance of order. Without the slightest trace of irony, he said, "Okay everybody, let's all calm the fuck down and talk this out rationally, like an organization of genocidal tyrants with delusions of Godhood ought to. 05, did Lucy give any indication of where she was going? And further, when was this, exactly?"

"Well, when she overheard some of the guards talking about the Angel situation in Tokyo-3, she seemed to perk up and become much more attentive when Bob mentioned the Ikari boy, and the cameras in her helmet caught her mutter something. It was too soft to pick up, but since Maurice can read lips, he determined that she'd said 'Shinji'. As for when it happened, eh... around four days ago, if I remember correctly."

"So what you're telling us, 05," said 07, "is that a heartless, relentless, unscrupulous, duplicitous, larcenous, pubescent superpowered quasihuman serial killer has escaped from containment and is probably en route to Tokyo-3, intent on murdering the Unit-01 pilot, and she could feasibly be anywhere in Japan right now?"

"Actually, we can't be sure of her intentions one way or another, but given how the 2I retrovirus resulted in her having Angel DNA, it's possible that she has some genetic inclination to sabotage humanity's war effort."

Meanwhile, in the outskirts of Tokyo-3...

Lucy was completely and totally covered in blood. Oddly, most of it was actually her blood this time. What kind of asshole shot a kid from behind?! At least have the balls to shoot them to their face, dammit!

Good news is, she somehow managed to avoid any sort of brain damage or alternate personality forming. Good God, that could have been embarassing!

Bad news is, though her Angel DNA gave her superior survivability and a slight advantage in regenerative capability - at least, that's what was up according to the goons at the compound she'd been in - hitting the ocean at terminal velocity still hurt like twelve whole kinds of bitch.

Still, she had to reach Tokyo-3 as quickly as possible, no matter what. To find that boy... the only one who was ever nice to her... Shinji...

But first, Lucy'd need to do something about these damn horns...

As she passed by a run-down costume shop, the Diclonius was suddenly struck with inspiration from some anime or other she had a chance to watch in the home of some family or other she'd murdered before getting tossed in the slammer. Before she'd met... him...

Suddenly realizing what she was about to do, Lucy smacked herself. "Ack! No! Get your head out of the gutter, woman! You can daydream about your knight in shining armor later, now's the time for breaking and entering with the intent of stealing a disguise!"

As her gaze fell upon the doors, so too did her vectors, as the invisible hands of her AT Field grabbed the steel frame and yanked it out with sheer inhuman force, before flinging the twisted scraps of metal across the street.

After scrounging around for a few minutes, Lucy found what she was looking for, and posed for the mirror in her new ensemble.

With the laugh of a noblewoman, Lucy declared, "Just as I thought - while a freakish girl with horns would stand out anywhere and be turned into the police, people would only roll their eyes at a catgirl cosplayer!"

Turning around with a light swish, she muttered, "Kinda wish the tail came with something other than a goth-loli miniskirt, though..."

Remember, this is not meant to be taken seriously.

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