The Amazing Epic of Television Spam

Parappa and Um Jammer Lammy characters owned and created by Rodney Greenblat, NanaOnSha, and all associated groups. Used without permission; however, I have checked with Rodney Greenblat on the subject of fan works, which he deems OK. The 'rap master' created for this fic is copyrighted to me.

Author's note: Fanfiction is NOT my forte. I don't work well with other peoples' characters, generally... however, this idea came to me, so I couldn't help but execute it. I don't expect this fic to be too good, though. Some credit goes to the BeeGees for giving me a sort of beat to inspire me to write the rap.

That fateful day that Parappa decided to turn on the TV was otherwise peaceful and warm. Now, normally, nothing really happened when he turned the TV other than the expected activation, but this time was highly unusual.
Parappa hit the "on" switch and the machine made a most interesting noise that can only be described as a cat being unexpectedly morphed into Barry White. Our pup hero blinked and stared at the TV for several seconds before turning to his father.
"Hey, dad, the TV's broken."
"What?" Papa approached the TV and inspected it, "Well, it looks like something blew... I think I can fix it."
Parappa hesitated, "Maybe we should call a repair man..."
"Nonsense!" Papa smiled and opened the TV up, poking around. Parappa got a bad feeling in his two-dimentional stomach. His doubts were confirmed when Papa got shocked and collapsed.
"Dad!" Parappa ran over to his father and poked him with a cry. "Are you okay?"
Papa sat up and blinked. "Only $8.95 in the next seven minutes!"
"...What?" blinked Parappa.
"Call now!"
"Uh..." Parappa frowned. 'Oh no,' he thought, 'dad's channeling infomercials!'
Parappa's friend and the vocalist of Milkcan, Katy Kat, barged into the house. "Hi, Parappa!"
"Uh, hi... you know, we DO have a doorbell..."
"You can own this amazing juicer with three easy payments of $29.95!"
She stared at Papa, and started to ask the obvious question, but changed her mind and shook her head.
"I won't ask. Would you like to come with me to the mall? They're having a sale on guitar strings!"
"I can't, I have to fix my dad. He's channeling infomercials."
Katy looked thoughtful, then smiled and held up a finger as she got an idea, "We could take him to Guru Ant! Maybe he has a solution."
"Great idea!" Parappa agreed.
The two friends helped Papa out into the spacious backyard that doubled as Guru Ant's residence. Both looked around, curious to find him. After a search that began with a magnifying glass and ended with the tragic death of several innocent bugs, they managed to locate the Guru sunbathing next to an ant hill.
"Hey, that's too much sun!" cried the Guru when the magnifying glass
fell over him.
"Oops, sorry..." apologized Parappa, tucking away the hand lens.
"Better, thanks," nodded Guru Ant as he pulled his shades from his eyes, "What is it?"
"We need advice."
"Oh? Well, lay it on me, son, I'll see what I can do."
"My dad's channeling infomercials and he won't stop!"
"Hm... well, perhaps you should seek the help of a medium," mused GuruAnt, sipping his itty-bitty glass of lemonade.
"A medium? Where the heck would we find one of those?" Katy asked, stepping in.
The insect looked thoughtful for a moment, then smiled and tilted his sunglasses back down. "The yellow pages."
After thanking Guru Ant and promising not to use the magnifying glass again, the two ran inside to locate a phone book and began their search.
Katy couldn't help but ask as they picked up the phone book, however. "He lives in your back yard?"
"Pretty creepy, huh? Anyway... hmm... Martial artists.... matadors... ah, here it is, mediums!" Parappa pointed to the listings.
Katy inspected them carefully for a few minutes, shaking her head a little.
"I think most of these are actually very naughty people... I mean, come on, 'Madame Domina'?"
Parappa blushed profusely before pointing at another entry. "How about
that one?"
"Hmmm... this one, Medium Leebee looks legit... okay, let's take your dad there!"

Katy and Parappa, with dad in tow and muttering about cellphone static in elevators, made their way down one of the many streets of Parappa Town in search of the medium listed in the phonebook. Katy held the page in her hand, glancing down at it every once in a while to make sure they were getting closer to the right address.
"It should be right here," Katy said, pausing in her tracks. Parappa stared at the building and blinked.
"Uh... are you sure...?"
The cat nodded, looking up at the discotech called 'SparkleBang' with a sweatdrop forming on her head.
"Maybe this medium isn't so legit after all..." Parappa blushed. Katy shook her head and walked inside anyway.The inside didn't seem to be as sexually implicit as the name might suggest, and was actually a pretty normal disco bar with as normal patrons as one could get in Parappa Town. Katy looked around for Medium Leebee, then suddenly spotted her through the crowd parting--she was a lioness, decked out in some mystic robes that seemed to be decorated to suit the 70's theme, doing the hustle. Parappa and Katy pulled Papa forwards.
"Uh..." Parappa began, "excuse me..."
The medium took noticed and stopped her dance. "What can I help you with, little boy?"
"My dad, he's-"
"Call now and you'll recieve the free ginsu knife!"
Leebee nodded slowly as her understanding of the situation grew, then smiled, "Alright... if you have the money, I will exorcise your father."
"M-money? Uh..." Parappa remembered that he blew the last of his cash trying to buy a good dinner for Sunny two nights ago, and drooped. "I don't have any..."
"Hm..." the medium tapped her chin, "I tell you what. If you can beat me at my own game, I will exorcise him for free. How that?"
"If you don't," Leebee warned, "he will stay like this forever."
Parappa's mind began wandering again. He imagined his graduation from high school, standing behind the podium (on a box of course).
'I'd like to thank my dad for helping me all these years, taking care of me and being there for me, and for encouraging me to grow as my own person...'
His dad suddenly jumped up and began trying to clean a coffee stain out of a woman's dress. Parappa moaned and blushed, then snapped back to reality.
"You can do it, Parappa!" Katy encouraged.
Parappa paused, and then smiled, "Yeah! I gotta believe!!!" He leapt into the air as he proclaimed his motto and fell into dance step beside the medium. She began grooving to the beat, Parappa in sync. Papa was, meanwhile, trying to convince a customer of the wonders of cleaning one's stovetops with orange juice. Parappa looked at his dad and felt determined as the medium began her song.
"Here you come with a possessed pop, and I'm sure you're waiting for the next shoe to drop, but listen close because it's okay, I can make him how he was yesterday, but if you can't dance and you can't sing, then his soul will stay unclean," she sang, "You gotta groove, keep up the jive, if you want him to stay alive!"
Parappa echoed her words, and followed along her song, echoing each line and her movements.
"I am the only one in town, who can make the spirit world sing out loud; it's simple as the dance, hard as romance; channel whomever and get your dance together!"
Katy strummed her guitar as they tore up the dance floor. They did disco move after disco move, getting more and more impressive as the song went on.
"If you think that you can hold the beat, come on and mirror it with your feet; show us your style, are you out of sight? Let the spirit world be the judge of that tonight!"
It became eerily clear that the other patrons in the disco were all ghosts, and Katy's fur began standing on end. Parappa was too entranced to fully take notice and simply began shivering.
"Well now, this is a surprise, this young pup sure can jive! You the gravy, you at the top, now let's see if we can fix your pop!"
The music died and Medium Leebee nodded her approval. "The spirit world approves of you, even though my wallet does not. Come now, I will help you," the medium gestured and lead the three into a back room, Katy more than happy to get away from the ghosts of Parappa Town residents.
Leebee sat down behind a crystal ball, gesturing Papa forwards. He sat down on a cushion directly across from her.
"$9.95? No! $5.95!"
"I know, honey, I know," Medium Leebee sympathized and took his hands, closing her eyes and chanting. Parappa was fascinated, while Katy looked less than impressed. It took a moment, before the medium pulled her hands away from Papa's and hit him upside the head with a giant lemon mallet.
"Hey!" Parappa said as Papa collapsed on the floor.
"Mellow out, he's as good as new now."
Papa opened his eyes and sat up. "Ugh... what happened? Where am I?"
"Dad!" Parappa cried as he hugged his father.
"Parappa? What's wrong?"
"Nothing now, dad," Parappa replied with a smile as he calmed down. He then helped his disoriented and dizzy father out of the discotech, Katy following and doing her best to avoid the ghostly patrons. As they made their return home, Lammy came running down the street, a look of panic painting her face.
"Katy! Parappa!!! We were watching TV at my house, and then the TV got messed up, and, well, now Ma-san is channeling Mr. T!"
"What?!" Katy blinked, and Masan, decked out in gold chains and a mohawk, went racing by, sputtering and looking rather angry.
And that sputtering meant, translated roughly, "I pity da foo' who is Joe Chin, sucka!"
Parappa drooped and groaned, while Katy just shook her head in pure disgust.