The Amazon's baby: Who's the father?
(The Necromancer, Barbarian, Sorceress, Paladin, and Assassin are all waiting in the waiting room of the Lut Gholein Hospital's maternity ward while the Amazon is in a room, giving birth. There is silence between them.)
(Enter: The Druid)
Druid: "I came as fast as I could. I was at a protest against air-polluting poison spells."
Necromancer: (not looking up from his book, Poison Novas: Bigger, Stronger, Better) "You don't say?"
Druid: "So…do we actually know who the father is?"
Barbarian: "Oh, come on, like you have to ask? We're both big, rough-and-tough bad-ass warriors! We were made for each other…and lemme tell ya, that woman is a devil in bed…heh heh heh…"
Paladin: "Oh, isn't that the truth! Oh, I have my share of stories about…" (an eerily silent pause as he notices everyone staring at him, none more acutely than the Barbarian) "………oh dear. I went and said that out loud, didn't I?"
Barbarian: (jaw dropped, eyes wide) "…you…you had sex with my woman! I'll kill ya'!" (draws sword and leaps at Paladin)
Paladin: "AHH! I couldn't help it! She was putting the moves on me in that skimpy nightgown of hers, I'm not made of stone! She said she slept with HIM" (points at the Necro) "and said she wanted to compare him to someone HOLY!"
(Barb turns to Necro, who drops his book and is now sweating twice as much from the combined glares of the Barb and his girlfriend, the Sorceress)
Barb: "Is this true?!"
Sorc: "Actually…I can't be mad…I did it too." (stares) "It was her idea! And I was curious…"
Barb: (panicking) "Alright, has ANYONE else slept with my Amazon!?"
Assassin: "Well, we both got pretty drunk and bored one night. We woke up naked in each others arms, but that whole night was a blank…"
Barb: (turns frantically to Druid, the last one in the room who hadn't confessed to having 'relations' with the Amazon) "Alright, you're a friggin' WOLF half the time, you and her couldn't have…"
Druid: "Funny you should say that, she DID insist that I be in wolf form while we…"
(Barb collapses to the floor)
Barb: "AAAAAHHHH!! How could you!?"
Necro: "Wow…now I guess the question is…who's the father?"
Narrator: (cheesy organ music, ala old radio shows) "Who IS the father of the Amazon's baby? Is it the Barbarian, the Necromancer, the Paladin, the Druid, or by some perverted magic, the Assassin or Sorceress?!"
(it is at this moment of confusion that Hadriel steps into the room, with a bag of baby clothes and supplies. A sick feeling passes through the room with what this seems to imply)
Hadriel(nervously): "Oh, hello heroes…I'm not too late, am
Barb: "Oh God…"
Sorc: "Too late for what?"
Hadriel: "For what?! For my baby!" (Barb screams)
Necro: "WHAT?! But…but you don't do anything! You never do!"
Hadriel: (chuckles) "Your amazon friend would tell you otherwise, I think."
Paladin: "Hold on there. You're going to have to get in line for 'possible father'."
Hadriel: (confused) "You mean…you?…"
Assassin: "ALL of us."
Hadriel: (looks questioningly around the room; everyone nods at him) "Well I'll be…" (takes a seat, picks up a magazine)
(he is barely in his seat when the door bursts open again as Diablo rushes in, Mephisto following quickly after)
Mephisto: "Calm down, man! Think of your blood pressure!"
Diablo: (hysterical)"Calm down?! How can I calm down when I'm gonna be a FATHER?!" (Barbarian screams hysterically) "Oh, WHY did this have to happen now when I'm between jobs!"
Mephisto: "Just calm down, now, calm down…who's the Lord of Terror?"
Diablo: (sniffle) "…I am?"
Mephisto: "That's right. And who corrupted the hero that
Diablo: (calming down) "I did."
Mephisto: "Yes you did. Now take a seat, and everything's gonna be alright." (looks around the room) "What are you all doing here? Aren't there kittens stuck in trees for you to go save?"
Druid: (gasps, panicking) "Are there?!"
Paladin: "Actually, we're trying to figure out who the father is."
Diablo: "You mean…YOU?…"
Hadriel: "ALL of us."
(a nurse peeks out of the door)
Nurse: "Excuse me, which of you is the father?"
All: "WE'RE WORKIN ON IT!"
Mephisto: "Well, that's an unexpected development. Diablo here was getting terribly emotional about being a 'daddy'."
Sorc: "Then, you yourself aren't a possibility."
Mephisto: (sighs) "Look at me. Do I look like I have a lower torso? I mean, sure I fooled around with her," (Barb screams),"but I lack the proper tools for insemination."
Diablo: (calmer) "I guess we'll wait till we see the baby…if it has horns and a tail, we know whose it is."
(suddenly, a bunch of Fetishes come in, squeaking and clicking and babbling like it'll win them something)
Barb: (deliriously) "Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God…"
Druid: "Can we help you?"
Shaman: "We here for our bitch! We all make wham-bam with her when she come to village, and now she make baby for us!"
Barb: (much more delirious) "Oh GOD oh God oh God oh God…"
Assassin: "Wow…she is REALLY a whore."
Diablo: "But we still don't know that you're the father…"(looks at them) "…fathers. Wait, do I mean that?"
One Fetish: "You mean…you?…"
All: "ALL OF US."
Another Fetish: "Oh…"
Yet Another Fetish: "Whoa…she is truly BIG whore."
(zoom in on the sundial outside; fast-forward through an hour)
The Ancients: (in their usual booming manner) "You mean…you?…"
Larzuk: "Yes. ALL of us."
(The Ancients are forced to remain standing, as all the seats are taken. In the course of an hour, Larzuk, Rakanishu, the Summoner, the Smith, all the Act II mercenaries, Jerhyn, and Halbu have all entered as possible fathers)
(the door opens again. An eerie silence falls as everyone waits to see who it is)
(Cain enters slowly, a bag of toys in hand)
Cain: "Greetings! I…why is everyone looking at me like that?"
Barb: "NOOOOO!! HOW COULD YOU, AMAZON?!!?"
Cain: "I just wanted to drop this off for the baby. By the by…who is the lucky man?"
(the oxygen supply of the room is jeopardized as everyone breathes a deep, simultaneous sigh of relief)
(other door opens; the nurse comes out, holding a bundle in her arms)
Nurse: "It's a boy!…AAHHH!!"(nurse is trampled as everyone rushes over and looks at the baby.)
Barb: "Oh God no…"
Rakanishu: (screaming in panic) "BISHIBOSH! COLENZO! MOMMY!"
(fetishes start chirping and jabbering with alarm. Sorc
Mephisto: "Well….only one guy could be the father of THAT." (takes out his cellphone and dials a number) "Hey, Baal? Its Mephisto. Well, I've got some surprising news for you…ya know that party we were at nine months ago? Do you see where I'm going with this?…"