***A/N: As some of you maybe noticing I am now reposting Ex-Fatty, the chapters have not been re-edited but just re-uploaded. I will post twice a day for the next few days until all of my written chapters are up, then I'll post a new chapter some time in the middle of next week... I think that would be chapter 11. I hope I still have my readers. :) xo
"Come in," I repeat when Christian made no move to walk through my door. His mouth was slack-jaw and there was a far-away look in his eyes, when he finally realized I was motioning for him to come in he shakes his head and finally takes the necessary steps.
"Thank you," he whispers, stepping into my home. "You have a nice place."
"Thanks," I mumble and step around him, "um do you want a drink?"
"Sure, just a water."
"Take a seat in the living room," I reply.
"Thanks Ana, you really have a beautiful home."
"Thank you," I smile shyly at him and walk into my kitchen. I grab a both of us bottled waters and before I head back in there I take a shot of tequila, but since I haven't had a drink in a while I feel it course through my veins almost immediately.
I soon found myself seated across from him with his hands fidgeting in his lap; I couldn't help the scene that was felt oddly familiar. The silence only helped my mind wander through the past that I unlocked tonight.
"Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele," Mr. Ellis exclaims, he was picking our semester-long partners. I was sitting at the back corner of large science classroom on our first day back since Summer break. Shit, this can't be good, Courtney is in this class too.
After I look up from my book momentarily, a nervous and deep crimson blush creep from cheeks down to my neck. This can't be right; I clench my jaw and buried my face further in my book. Though not soon after Christian takes the empty seat next to me.
"Hi," he huffs, I nod at him. Great at least neither of us wants to be in this situation, I know I'll only get more unwanted attention from Courtney and her friends.
"Open your textbooks to page 23 and we will start on the solar system…" Mr. Ellis began his lecture. Well only an hour and fifteen minutes of this, not so bad I guess. "Your first term project is …." I was trying desperately to pay attention, but I was working harder to ignore the sneers I was receiving from Courtney seated not far from us.
After Mr. Ellis has done speaking about our project he gives us the rest of the lecture and then ten minutes at the end of class to discuss preliminary plans.
"So… do you want to work on our project tonight?" Christian mumbles, breaking me out of my note-taking trance.
"Why?" I ask, covering my face with my hair.
"Uhh I guess I would like to get started," he begins but trails off, "so we can get it over with."
Ouch. Well obviously he doesn't want to spend more time with me than necessary.
"Sure, I guess," I finally agree which comes out barely a whisper. I've gotten so used to not speaking to anyone in a social manner since the beginning of high school.
"Do you have any ideas?" Christian asks in the same soft tone.
I finally look up to from my work, turning my head to face him. I expected Christian's face to be laced with boredom, not the worry that was clearly visible.
"Maybe we can make a model of the Earth with a quarter section cut out for all the different layers? Like those diagrams." I offered, but when he didn't say anything back I shrug and disregard my idea immediately, "I don't know whatever you want."
After a moment he finally agrees. "That's a really good idea." I smile nervously at him; this was the most we've spoken since the fateful dance two years ago. I couldn't keep my palms from sweating and the blush that just wouldn't go away.
"Thanks," I reply, giving him a tight smile.
"I'm sorry that you have to be stuck with that." A sickly high pitch voice interrupted my thoughts on the core of the Earth.
Courtney Lomax. Of course who else would interrupt my subpar day.
Christian didn't say anything in return, but I did feel and hear him shifting away from me. Great, now he doesn't even want to get close to me.
"Did you pay Ellis to partner you up with, my boyfriend?" she sneers at me, with an emphasis on the "my".
From experience I knew not to say anything, I had to hold my tongue… not like I had anything to say. But this time my silence did not get me off the hook, it only fuelled her ire.
"Did you hear me, fatty or is all that lard covering your ears?"
"No, Christian," she hisses. "Tell me, are you so fat that your brain can't compute what I'm saying?"
Silence. That pushed her over the edge, she threw my books and my notebook off the table right when the bell ran signalling the end of class. I heard her laugh when I quickly went to grab my things and walk away, I didn't want to look back because then she would know how she got to me.
Right before I left the room I heard Courtney apologizing to Christian, "I'm really sorry you got stuck with that tub of lard, I promise to make it up to you."
I didn't stop walking until I arrived at the fourth floor girls' bathroom, the only one that was always deserted. There I let myself cry and get angry, there was where I permitted myself to lose it.
"Ana… Ana!" Christian shakes me from my musings.
"Sorry, what did you say?" I ask, retreating into my large sweater.
"How have you been? I mean since I last saw you."
"I've been better. Why are you here?"
"I've been thinking about you and what happened at my apartment. I had someone dig into your history-"
"I'm sorry what?" I ask, shock and anger evident in my voice. "You had someone look through my past?"
"I'm sorry!" he exclaims, holding his hands up in surrender. "I didn't know any other way."
"I can't deal with this shit right now-" I spat vehemently
"I know what day it is…"
Once the words come out I freeze. "What do you mean?"
"Today was the day of your accident-"
"Couldn't you just let me be?" I sigh, wrapping my arms around myself.
"I tried Ana, I really did but I had to know you were all right."
"Well as you can see I'm fine. And why are you so adamant that I forgive you? Do you genuinely want it or is this to relieve you from your own guilt?"
"Both I suppose."
"Then you're forgiven," I deadpan, "will you just leave me alone?"
"No that's not all I want-"
"Then what is it exactly, because the way I see you want to be part of my life so you can feel better about what you and your friends did to me for four long years. And I'm sorry Christian but I'm not in the mood to lift up your ego because eight years later you decided to grow a conscience."
"I talked to Elliot and fuck…" he rakes his finger through his hair. "If I could take it all back I would, but I can't so please just let me try to mend it."
"There is nothing to mend, we had nothing."
"I love you and I always will, I was a weak boy who couldn't stand up for the person I cared for the most."
"Oh so this is what this is about?"
"What do you mean?"
"You just want one last romp?" I laugh, jokingly. I couldn't help to want to rile him up.
"What? No absolutely not."
I shake my head at him. "Just leave, Christian, this is my day and you found a way to ruin one more thing in my life. He was my son, not ours, I carried him and I lost him. This is my day where I can devote myself to him and I do that because if I let myself be consumed by it at any other time it would consume me."
"Losing him wasn't your fault, I know I have no claim to him but I can only imagine how you've been beating yourself up and I wish you would let me share in that. You don't have to be alone anymore."
I take everything he had into consideration and deep down I know that I can't move on if I don't forgive him. There's no way that I would forget Christopher and my past but I know I need to start dealing with my pain in a different way. Because this is obviously not working for me anymore and stopping my destructive lifestyle wasn't enough. This is what I need to do to get better
"Do you want to see him?" I ask, finally breaking the long silence. "Oh god, that sounds so morbid."
"No… no… I'd love to see him." Christian gives me a large smile as I stand up and grab all of the things I had of my little Chris.
I had his hand and footprints framed and an album full with my pregnancy and ultrasound photos, and the only picture of the two of us together. When I return from my bedroom I sit right next him on my sofa and place all of my mementos on the glass coffee table.
He looks over the prints and run his finger over the tiny footprints, he gives me a meaningful look then places the frame on back on the table. He then opens up the album and begins to slowly look through all the pictures
The first ones was of me when I had first started showing, the ultrasound pictures, and even up to the last picture I had taken before I had to deliver him. As he carefully looks through all the photographs I could see his shoulders shaking and little sniffles every once in awhile.
"You got so big," he smiles at me as he flips to the last few photos. "God, you're so beautiful."
I scrunch my eyes and look at what he was looking at; it was of Christopher and I in the delivery room.
"I was exhausted and so sad," I laugh mirthlessly, "hardly beautiful."
"No, you were, I mean you always were beautiful but there's something about you holding our baby."
I shrug and look around the room, "I really do forgive you… I mean I was well… I was still really angry when you stepped back into my life again. But I know that I can't move on until I find my peace and I think this is the only way I can finally let my past go."
"Do you think I could have a copy of this photo?" he asks.
"Yeah, sure," I smile weakly.
"Thank you for sharing this with me, I know how hard it was for you."
"You're welcome, I think you should go-"
I see Christian physically sag a my words, "Ana-"
"Sorry, no I meant I'm tired and I'd really just like to sleep. I'm glad we finally were able to have a civil conversation."
"Me too," he replies, giving me a sad smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Have a goodnight, beautiful."
He gives pulls me close and kisses my cheek so lightly that I had to ask myself if it really happened, but with that simple gesture he was gone. Leaving me with a strange feeling of loneliness that resided there in the days ahead.