Hey guys, Seitei here. It's been months (years) since I posted anything new on the website and I think I should get back in the game. To start, why don't I take inspiration from the brilliant masterpiece written by BelieverInChrist, whose stories have been archived by user I Heart Thomas Brown for one's perusal and some commentary on the piece? I, too, have many things to say about it, and hope that you will enjoy this parody and re-imagining of the story.
This fic will be rated T because it really isn't that violent and will disclaim any ownership of the Bible, as I do not own the Abrahamic god. I also do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
A motorcycle roared over the desolate landscape. Its rider, a woman with short, curly dark hair in a red jacket pulled the brakes. The strangely shaped wheels (with a wedge taken out of them) ground to a halt and managed to stay upright.
Nemesis was not pleased. Granted, she was usually in a foul mood, as quite a few people simply have had too much good luck (Fortuna be damned!) for their own good, but this time was too much. Some heathen had decided to blaspheme the Greek gods. "That fool will pay," she snarled as she unfurled a small piece of paper, mentioning a legion of warriors that have called themselves the "Prayer Warriors."
"I believe it's time to strike a deal with The Fates…"
The heathens will pay.
Oh, hello there. I'm sorry if that seemed a little abrupt and seemingly out of nowhere. Allow me to explain. My name is Jerry (my last name is irrelevant, as all children of God belong to Him). I am part of an elite legion of men known as the Prayer Warriors, and our mission is to purge the world of all sin by killing or converting all non-Christians as they are sinful to our Lord's eyes.
I had just received word from the Heavenly Lord himself that Stan, the overlord of hell had taken over America by means of "Greek gods." His voice is powerful: it sounded like knives scraping against stone and I knew that this was what I had to do. He told me about their champion, one Percy Jackson and his harlot girlfriend, Annabeth Chase. I started hearing His voice months ago, after strange freaky stuff happened in New York. I remember falling asleep, but cannot remember why I did so in the middle of the street.
A slight movement from outside caused the canvas of my tent to ripple. I peeked out and saw the most dazzling beauty of my life, Mary (who is incidentally named after Jesus' mother). Just so you know, she and I are not dating; that is a Stanic thing to be doing. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little; we are dating, but we're not having sex until we are married, and that won't be a while as we're both fifteen years old. Imagine that: me at the ripe age of fifteen wandering the land of the brave to rid it of the blasphemous freaks. "Hello, my fellow Christian," I greeted her. Her figure was one to behold. I knew that lusting after a woman is a sin, but one simple prayer usually does the trick. She must have noticed me staring because she gave me a wry smile.
"Yes, Jerry. How are you?" she muttered through her teeth. "Have you been doing the Lord's bidding?" I nodded, though I wasn't really paying attention to her face. I extended my hand towards her when suddenly she grabbed a book from behind her, setting it between us. It was the book of Genesis. I don't remember which version it was, because frankly, the message is clear and obvious; He made the world. We talked about the greatness of God and other mundane things; Mary seemed very adamant on talking about those things more than me; she truly is a devout Christian.
"But Stan has poisoned the world with false idols," I said to her.
"Stan?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "Stan, the ruler of hell, the punisher of the damned, the antithesis to God!"
"Jerry, don't you mean Satan?"
I glared at her. "Shut up, woman, I know what I'm talking about." She bowed her head and fell silent. "Yes, Stan has poisoned the world by inventing Greek figures like Zeus and Venus to personify sex!"
"Venus isn't even Greek, let alone Zeus being a sex symbol…"
"What was that?"
"Anyway, I will need a strong army to destroy Percy Jackson and his minions." I needed a strong army. This is America, a Christian nation, so Stanists, atheists, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, and other people who do not fear God will not be allowed in this Holy Land. If they wish to be part of this great country, they will submit themselves to us as slaves, and we will work them down to the bone. Once they have converted to Christianity, we will accept them with welcoming arms and allow them to truly become our brethren. If not, well, let's just say we'd have a re-enactment of the witch trials.
"Yes, Jerry. Let me get my Christian friends who are as fanatic as you and who might just do something incredibly stupid." She tied her hair back so that it wouldn't get in the way of her dazzling blue eyes (as well as offsetting the possibility that someone will think that she is a whore of Stan). She also straightened her calf-length skirt to prevent the sun from burning her legs before leaving. After ten seconds she came back with a small petite girl with freckles spattered across her cheeks. "Jerry, meet Ruth, who's uh, just as devoted as you are to God." I nodded approvingly. She nodded back, eyes wide open and moving around frequently.
Suddenly the cold, sharp voice of His Holiness rang through my head. "A servant of Pan has arrived. If you do not destroy him, he will convert all of you to turn into naked tree-hugging hippies and drink carrot juice shakes for the remainder of your lives."
I roared. Real men eat bacon, not disgusting vegetables. Mary rolled her eyes. I ran to the decrepit temple, where a boy with large horns and goat hooves turned to me. He's obviously a spawn of Stan.
"You are the servant of Pan, yes? Leave now!"
The boy blinked. "Dude, what are you talking about? My name's Grover and the great god Pan is dead. It's up to us now to save the environment, if that's what you're here for."
"Don't try to trick me!" I yelled, spittle coming out of my mouth. "I know you worship Stan, master of the underworld!"
"Who, Hades?" he asked. "His name's not Stan."
"Enough of your incoherent babbling, demon spawn," I cried. "Prepare to die! Mary, Ruth, get into position Trifecta Resonance!" Ruth nodded enthusiastically while Mary grumbled something that I couldn't quite make out. We created a triangle, with me at the point facing Grover, as I threw my hands to the sky and prayed to God.
"Lord! Your servant calls upon Your power to smite this demon with locus!" The clouds darkened as a group of loci rained from the heavens.
"What is that supposed to be?" asked the heretic goat.
"They will devour you whole!" I screamed.
"Jerry, those are places. Loci, if you will," said Mary. I blinked. Instead of a ravenous swarm of insects, bubbles with places floated down from the sky. I could see the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China, and my grandmother Rose's house with cookies sending the fire department to the door again.
"Screw this, I'm outta here," said Grover as he hopped into one of the bubbles with a lake and tents before it.
"Come back here demon scum!" I cried. Angrily, I roamed the fields and sacrificed a sheep to God so that I can end that thing's life for good the next time we meet. Mary had her face in her hand, shaking it slightly. Ruth was looking at me in concern.
"Ruth," I said. "There are many enemies that we will encounter, such as the goat demon. Will you continue along with us, despite these dangers?"
"Yes!" she ejaculated (not in that way you Stanists).
"Then I shall now proclaim that you are now a true Prayer Warrior!" Ruth's eyes glazed over and she collapsed, writhing in ecstasy.
"Great, Jerry, now we have to wait for her to snap out of it now."
"I didn't ask for your opinion, woman."
Thank you all for reading this. Please review and praise BelieverInChrist's work! I hope this will cause an appreciating of his work. :) New chapter will be up soon!