Aware Of Emptiness

I am aware that my stomach's empty, but I don't think that's why I'm called that.

Aware of emptiness. It sounds nice. Goku. Son Goku.

I wish that I were clever like the others. I know that I'm as clever as Gojyo, though, because we have all these long arguments just like real grown up people. And Sanzou always listens, because otherwise he wouldn't know when to hit me over the head with his fan or shoot his gun at us. That's kind of cool. I like it when I know that he's listening.

Hakkai knows lots of things, but he keeps secrets too. I hate it when people keep secrets. I think it's really sad about his girlfriend and how she died. I think he thinks about it a lot. I saw him watching Gojyo the other day and I asked him about it later and he said he'd been just thinking, but he hadn't been smiling like usual.

I don't know why all the youkai keep on wanting to chop Sanzou up and eat him. I bit him once and he didn't taste anything special. Not like proper food. I wonder if they'd try and make meatballs out of him? I like meatballs.

I'm hungry and it's going to be ages till we get to the next town, and I'm arguing with the stupid cockroach head kappa who keeps on smoking those stupid stupid stupid cigarettes, because there's nothing else to do. Sometimes in the morning Sanzou smells of his cigarettes. I don't mind Sanzou's cigarettes, because they're Sanzou's, but I don't like Gojyo's cigarettes. He made me try one once and I was sick. It wasn't true that I asked to try one. They're nasty.

Sanzou hit me over the head with the fan again. I knew he was listening!

I wish I knew why I was chained up for so long. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I can't help it, like when it's raining and Sanzou's depressed and then I start feeling depressed too and I remember how the sun never came near me and I saw the bird die and nobody ever came up there, nobody ever ever came, until he did.

He held out his hand toward me. I'm always going to remember that. He reached out to me. He wanted to help me. Whatever he says now doesn't matter. He reached out to me. That's everything. He's Sanzou. He can say what he wants.

I wish I could make him feel better. Sometimes he feels so empty inside, as if he wants to be that way. He only lets himself enjoy little things like beer and cigarettes because then if they're taken away from him he won't hurt so much. I know this. I know him.

Hakkai said that I should let Sanzou be alone when he wants to be alone. He said that Sanzou doesn't want to feel he wants to travel with us, because that'd mean he liked us - but Sanzou likes me, doesn't he? - so if we let him have some time on his own, he won't keep on trying to shoot us so much.

I like Hakkai. I wish I could make him really smile more often. Most of the time when he's smiling it's because he put his face that way. He doesn't really mean it when he says sorry, not the way I do. He's just saying it.

I really like it when he beats Gojyo at cards and Gojyo looks all surprised. Gojyo's fun. He always likes playing games with the food at supper. Sometimes he has girls coming to his room at night. They're very noisy. I hope none of them die like Hakkai's girlfriend did. That would be sad. But I'm not going to say that because it would hurt Hakkai's feelings, and I know how to be tactful and polite, I do so. I wish Gojyo had told us about his brother, though. I hate it when people keep secrets. He feels all lonely on that side, like he's missing something. I suppose he is.

I wish I had a brother.

As well as Sanzou, that is. I'm not leaving Sanzou.

But sometimes I wish I had other things, too. Anything else. Or is being aware of emptiness supposed to be that I don't need anything else? Or that I can have it but it wouldn't matter if I did?

I did something really wrong and I don't know what it was. It's all empty there in my mind.

I hate it when people keep secrets from me.

Even when it's me.


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