Happy (early) Birthday to my lovely beta lilarin!
I wanted to get her a gift, but being separated by an ocean, I decided it would be nice to create something for her instead. So at her request I have written a crack fic starring her favorite Grimmjow – of course Orihime and Ulquiorra are included in the mix!
This is not my usual style as I like to have everything make sense and be as realistic as possible. Needless to say there will be OOC moments, especially for Aizen, but hopefully enough humor and silliness to make it worth the read. So with no further ado – except to remind you that I do not own Bleach or any of its characters – and to ask that you respond with a review so I know what you thought of the chapter - I present Idle Hands.
Chapter One ~ You're Not the Boss of Me
Szayel was bored. Aizen and all his rules made life so unbearably routine at times, which left the pink-haired scientist itching to spice things up. The arrival of the human girl held some possibilities, and honestly he had believed that simply watching the stoic Ulquiorra try to manage her daily care would be humorous enough. Yet even that had grown uninteresting rather quickly.
He needed a new way to antagonize Aizen's number one ass kisser, but how to do it? How to make Ulquiorra's job even more difficult? The girl was already challenging in and of herself. A defiant little bitch in fact and the Fourth hated defiance - almost as much as he hated dealing with Grimmjow or Nnoitra.
Now that held some possibility. A plan involving the two most hot-headed and violent Espada would be fun. Of course technically Nnoitra was his ally - as much as hollows could have allies. Yet they had worked together to dispose of Nelliel, and that had benefited Szayel as well, so it would be rude to pay the man back with some underhanded trick for his own amusement.
But Grimmjow…well he had used the Sixth already this month. And Grimmjow had inadvertently provided him with a plethora of information on the Shinigami that killed Yylfordt. Still messing with the hotheaded jerk was too fun to pass up. And honestly now that Nelliel was gone, he missed having a fixed target to annoy.
Amazing, that whole incident with Nelliel and her incompetent fraccion. Who would have ever thought that a simple crack in her mask would cause so much reiatsu to leak out of her body that she could no longer hold her adult form. The usually well-composed woman had become a handful of hyperactive energy that even her fraccion, as childish as they themselves were, could not keep up with.
It would be funny seeing Ulquiorra deal with that kind of situation. But the girl, for all her annoyances, was still old enough to maintain some semblance of order and thought. If only there was a way to change that.
He walked over to a table that contained many vials with different chemicals and other ingredients. If he could figure out some combination that would reverse the aging process and make the troublesome girl younger, without affecting her powers, it may be worth the risk. Of course the effects could only be temporary, and the dispensing of the drug would need to appear accidental.
Thinking back to Nelliel he reasoned that if the girl's body became unstable, too unstable to contain her reiatsu as well, then maybe she too would revert back to her younger self. The girl alone would be enough work for poor Ulquiorra, so maybe that would be enough pranking for now.
Excitedly he set about his task. Creating a potion was one thing. Administering it without Aizen placing the blame solely at his feet would be another story altogether.
Grimmjow stalked through the hallways of Las Noches. All this waiting was pissing him off. It had been a week since the girl had been brought here; a week since he had regained his left arm and had the pleasure of incinerating that jackass Luppi. Now he was restless. His desire to take down that punk Kurosaki was almost too much to contain, and he wished the shit would come to the rescue of the chick under Ulquiorra's care soon, before he did something rash to speed up the process.
Coming across the room that housed the woman he paused. He could mess with her for awhile. It would be like vicariously fucking with Kurosaki. He focused on Ulquiorra's reiatsu, and discovered that the uptight asshole was nowhere in the immediate vicinity. Still the fucker was fast, and he could be here in seconds if he noticed anything had been disrupted.
Placing his hand on the stone door, he gave it a push with his reiatsu. The heavy slab opened to reveal the woman standing in front of the only window in her prison cell. She gazed forlornly out into the endless night of Hueco Mundo, but at the sound of his approaching footsteps turned abruptly.
"Ulquiorra-san," she began in a rush but then stopped when she saw Grimmjow instead. "Oh Grimmjow-san…I thought you were Ulquiorra…"
"Tch," he laughed, "I'm way more fun than that son-of-a-bitch, and I bet you're probably bored off your ass."
Her face turned red and she shook it profusely, "No, no really Grimmjow-san, I am fine."
"You're lying," he walked closer to where she stood, "But unlike Aizen, I don't give a shit if you are happy or not."
She nodded and looked down nervously.
"Do you need me to do something for you?" she asked.
This brought an even greater laugh from him, "You should be careful of who you ask that question. Ulquiorra may be an asexual mutant, but others…Nnoitra for instance…that perverted freak would slam you against the wall and take your precious virginity before you could scream Kurosaki."
She lifted her head and met his eyes. "That's not what I meant."
"I know what you meant," he returned her stare with a glare, "But then I'm an astute guy."
She nodded once more and he resisted the urge to grab her head and hold it in place. The woman was so damn agreeable. It wasn't natural. Instead he turned away from her and something on the table caught his eye. Walking over to it he asked, "What's in the box?"
She hesitated and then began to walk over, coming to a stop beside him.
"I don't know. It was there when I came from my bath."
"And you didn't think to look inside?"
She shrugged her shoulders and said with embarrassment, "I thought I should wait and ask Ulquiorra-san if it was okay."
"Are you shitting me?" he turned sharply and stared at her. "Someone leaves you a box and you wait to ask your jailer for permission to peak inside. What if it was some way to assist you in escaping?"
"Like a file?"
He could only stare at her.
"You know," she smiled, "To saw through the bars…oh yeah," she giggled nervously, "I see…well maybe something else…"
"You won't know until you open it."
"I don't know," she put up her hands in protest. "Ulquiorra-san may get angry."
"More the reason to do it," he reached for the lid.
He wasn't one to take orders from anyone beneath him, and this human was about as low as you could go. Grabbing the lid he yanked it off. Yet before he could get a good look inside a gaseous fumes escaped in a rush, and a foul smell burned his nostrils.
"Holy shit!" he dropped the lid and brought his hand to cover his nose.
"Oh that smells horrible," the woman's muffled voice exclaimed. One hand covered her nose as well as the other waved frantically in front of her face as she tried to dispense the smoke.
"I didn't think you had any friends that would send a real gift," he said as the smoke evaporated.
She looked down only to turn her head quickly at the sound of a familiar voice.
"Jaegerjaquez, why are you here with the woman?" Ulquiorra suddenly appeared at the door.
"I don't have to justify myself to you," he replied flippantly. He refused to kowtow to the tight ass. Still his head was beginning to swim and his stomach turned slightly. "I was leaving anyways."
He walked out the door and headed for his quarters. The walk grew increasingly more difficult as his eyes became heavy. Finally entering his room he barely made it to his bed before he passed out cold.
Ulquiorra stared at the woman. Grimmjow had left, and she remained where she was, firmly rooted in place. On the table was an empty box.
"What is this?"
"I don't know," she said, but her speech was slightly slurred. He looked at her suddenly alarmed. "It arrived while I was taking my bath, and then Grimmjow insisted I open it, and when I did a big puff of smelly stuff came out…"
She swayed on her feet and he stepped forward, his hand shooting out to steady her.
"I don't feel too good," she said as she closed her eyes momentarily.
"You still have to eat your evening meal," he stated but she had already turned away and was headed for the couch. Crawling onto it she grabbed the blanket at the end and rolled over, giving him her back,
He stared after her and then looked at the box on the table. Picking it up, he looked inside. It was empty. Whatever had been so noxious earlier was gone, and nothing now remained.
Was someone trying to harm her? Could Grimmjow be the culprit? No, that hothead would never do something so covert as poison. He would have simply sliced the woman in two the moment he decided she wasn't worth the effort anymore.
He walked over to where the woman lay now asleep on the couch. Her breathing was heavy, but her color was good. Maybe it was nothing more than a warning. Still, it bothered him that someone had gotten in here and placed it. That coupled with Grimmjow's appearance as well only meant Ulquiorra was not doing his duty to protect this woman until Aizen no longer had a use for her.
He sat down at the end of the couch by her feet. Better to remain until she woke up. He couldn't fail in such a simple task. It would be humiliating.
In the end Ulquiorra fell asleep as well and when he awoke the woman was still curled up in a tight ball beside him on the couch. He reached out and laid a hand on her back. Her breathing was still deep, but something felt wrong. Taking the blanket he pulled it back revealing her body – a body now swimming in a dress that was way to big for it.
What the hell?
He leaned over and peered closer. The woman had grown smaller, but that was impossible. Humans did not shrink. Turning her over, he gasped as he caught sight of her face. It was not the face of a young teen, but the face of a child that slumbered peacefully still.
"Impossible," he said softly, but his words were enough to cause her eyelids to flutter and open. Warm silver met his cold green, yet she smiled as she stretched her arms above her head.
"Good morning Ulquiorra-san."
The words had barely left her mouth before she clamped a hand over it and stared at him with a question in her gaze.
Lowering her hand slightly she said, "My voice sounds funny."
Her eyes caught sight of the chubby hand that had recently been over her mouth and she shrieked. Bolting upright she began to run her hands over her entire body, not mindful in the least of his company. Still unbelieving, she dashed from the couch to look in the mirror, but was thwarted in her efforts as she tripped over the now too long dress.
Rising again she dusted herself off and lifted the skirt. Carefully she made her way to the mirror and stared. Not a sound escaped her as she lifted her hand and touched its reflection.
"I don't understand," she whispered. "How can this be?"
He finally stood and came to stand behind her. His eyes met hers in the mirror and he spoke, "I assume that whatever noxious fumes you ingested yesterday when you foolishly opened that box, were actually a poison."
"Am I going to die?"
"Only if Aizen-sama desires it," he replied coolly.
She began to cry as she looked at her shrunken body. By human standards she couldn't be much older than six. Almost ten years difference from just a few hours earlier. It made no sense. Yet it spelled trouble for him. Aizen-sama had put him in charge of her and somehow someone had slipped by him and done this deed. If she was damaged he would be the one punished.
"I told Grimmjow-san that we should have left it alone, but he insisted on opening it, and now look at me."
Grimmjow. That idiot. He had opened the box. Maybe he was the one that put it there in the first place. Turning he made his way for the door, but then stopped as he felt a tugging on his hakama.
"Please don't go Ulquiorra-san," she continued to cry.
He stared at her and realized that in this form she would be even more vulnerable. Besides if Aizen-sama discovered what had happened before Ulquiorra had a chance to figure out who was responsible, he would be in serious trouble.
He knelt down beside her and grabbed the fabric of her oversized dress. Ripping it, he removed several feet of material from the bottom and then stood again.
"Now you should be able to walk without tripping."
He opened the door and began to make his way to the Sixth's quarters. The hallways were deserted and he could feel no significant reiatsu up ahead. Yet he hadn't gotten far when he heard the woman's, no the child's, voice call out to him.
"Please Ulquiorra-san, slow down."
He stopped and stared at her as she ran to keep up. Her face was red and her breathing coming in pants.
"You are even more annoying now," he said as she came to a stop beside him.
"My legs aren't that long anymore."
He stared a moment more and then sighed. The last thing he wanted was to be caught in the halls with a child that he couldn't explain. He reached down and gripped her under her arms and lifted her up so she rested on his hip.
"Hold on tightly," he instructed and then he resumed his pace, only this time much quicker.
By the time he got to Grimmjow' quarters he was fuming. It was just like the Sixth to try and make him look like a fool. Slamming the door open he stepped into the darkened room and looked around.
"Who the hell do you think you are…?"
The voice was tiny, almost as tiny as the child's in his arms and Ulquiorra groaned inwardly as he cursed his bad luck. It would appear that Grimmjow was not the perpetrator of the crime, but a victim as well.
"What the fuck?" Grimmjow jumped from his bed. His shirt hung past his waist, and his pants fell to the floor, now too big to remain on his hips.
"I can see his pee-pee," the girl spoke and then buried her face in Ulquiorra's chest.
Grimmjow glanced down at his shrunken form and caught sight of his even smaller member.
"Damn it to hell! What kind of shit is this?" he grabbed the tiny organ. "Is this your idea of some sick joke?"
"The reality that your physical body now mirrors your emotional age is rather fitting," Ulquiorra said calmly as he stepped closer, "But I am not one for such ridiculous stunts. It would serve no purpose."
"So then why are you even here?" Grimmjow crossed his arms over his chest, unembarrassed about his semi-nude state.
Ulquiorra glanced at the girl in his arms. "You did something to the woman, and I want her returned to her former self."
"Why the fuck would I make her a kid," the blue-haired child growled. "And why would I include myself in this stupid plan? I hate kids."
"Because you are an idiot who is known for acting on impulse without thought of the consequences."
Grimmjow kicked him hard in the shin, "Stupid head games and poison sounds more like Szayel, not me."
True, Ulquiorra realized. Why hadn't he thought of that first? His hands tightened around the girl he was in charge of. This was unacceptable. The idea that Szayel would do something so foolish, and that he, Ulquiorra would then be so rattled by the whole thing that he would jump to absurd conclusions, was embarrassing.
"I will kill him," Ulquiorra stated.
"Not if I get there first," Grimmjow replied.
"I suggest pants first," Ulquiorra looked at the half naked boy before him.
In his arms Orihime laughed.
"Shut up bitch!" Grimmjow reached for his pants and held the material around his waist to keep them from falling down again.
"Oh my, what have we here?"
Grimmjow looked to the door and Ulquiorra turned. Gin stood in the open entryway, a sly smile on his face.
"I wasn't aware that you were running a nanny service Ulquiorra," he teased.
"There is an issue," Ulquiorra began but Grimmjow rushed forward.
"That freak Granz did something to me and the woman…"
"I can see that," Gin looked from Grimmjow to the child in Ulquiorra's arms. "I do hope our princess can still utilize her powers, or Aizen may not look too kindly on this, Ulquiorra."
"Her powers?" Grimmjow stomped his feet angrily, "What about me?"
"Well it would be kind of hard to carry your zanpakuto while trying to hold up your pants, little man," Gin laughed.
"Fuck you," Grimmjow snarled.
"Well," Gin looked back to Ulquiorra, "I suppose we have no choice but to go to Aizen and see exactly what the true extent of the damage is."
Ulquiorra felt his stomach tighten. It was unacceptable that he had allowed Granz to pull such a stunt, and humiliating that Gin had discovered it before he had a chance to fix it. Still, if the girl was in fact damaged, none of those trivial things would matter. He would be disgraced, and worse, could face stiff consequences as a result.
"I must say this is a rather unexpected surprise," Aizen sat on his throne in the Fifth Tower. His hands resting under his chin as he peered at the two children standing in front of Ulquiorra. "How did this happen?"
"My apologies Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra bowed low, "While I was gathering the woman's evening meal, someone snuck into her room and placed a box containing a poison of some kind, and she and the Sixth ingested it when they opened the container."
"The results are odd to say the least," Aizen's voice was unreadable, but Grimmjow could tell the Shinigami found the whole thing amusing, which only served to make his already dark mood worse. "And you believe Szayel is behind this?"
"Who else would do something so fucking twisted," Grimmjow shouted before Ulquiorra could respond.
"You know, children should be seen and not heard," Granz spoke softly from the other side of Ulquiorra.
"How about I cut your tongue out so we don't have to listen to your crap you perverted shit," Grimmjow stepped forward and turned to glare at the pink-haired jerk.
"Oh my, such an unruly boy…" Granz teased and Grimmjow lunged for him only to be stopped by Ulquiorra's outstretched hand.
"I believe this type of mischief is definitely the workings of the Eighth," Ulquiorra spoke calmly.
"And what do you have to say for yourself, Szayel?" Aizen turned his stare to the Espada.
Granz stepped forward and spoke with mock humility, "Aizen-sama, I work on so many poisons and potions in my lab - all for your glory mind you – that it is a full time chore just to keep them cataloged and stored properly. If someone wanted to steal a potion and use it to throw a wrench in you plans, someone who has been known to disregard your orders and disagree with your decisions in the past…"
"Why would I use a potion to make myself into a kid," Grimmjow yelled.
"You are not the smartest in the bunch," Granz smiled condescendingly, "But then I wouldn't put it past you to include yourself to shift the focus of blame from yourself to someone else; someone like myself, who would never do anything to bring Aizen-sama's wrath."
"And making the woman into a child serves what purpose?" Aizen asked, ignoring the interaction between the two Espada.
"I suppose to diminish her power and make her of less value to you," Granz replied.
"I don't give a shit about the girl," Grimmjow said, "I just want Kurosaki."
Granz laughed, as did Orihime.
"What?" he turned to the girl and glared at her.
"You want Kurosaki-kun…do you want to marry him or just be his boyfriend," she burst out into a fit of giggles.
"Has she always been this annoying?" he looked at Ulquiorra.
The Fourth glanced at him and replied, "It would seem this change has affected her mentally. She is definitely acting more her physical age now."
"But I'm no different," Grimmjow remarked, "and I inhaled the same poison."
Everyone, including Aizen grew quiet, but Orihime laughed louder. He glared at her even harder, but she ignored him.
"Are you implying that I was childish to begin with?" he tried to step closer to her, but Ulquiorra once more held him back.
She continued to laugh, doubling over and holding her stomach.
"Stupid bitch," he muttered.
"If her mental age is diminished," Aizen interrupted, "Then I suppose her powers could be weakened as well."
"We could have Tosen cut off Grimmjow's arm again and see if she could restore it," Granz said sweetly.
"Shut the fuck up Granz," Grimmjow growled.
"Enough Grimmjow," Aizen finally acknowledged him. "The girl's powers are one thing, but I cannot have an Espada who is no longer strong enough to hold his rank."
"No way," Grimmjow turned towards Aizen, "I put up with that shit when I lost my arm, but I'm not going down again without a fight. I'll take Granz right now."
"It would be an unfair fight," Aizen began but he cut him off.
"Unfair for the Eighth," he stated. "I'm still strong enough to hold my position."
"You can't even carry your zanpakuto without assistance," Granz remarked snidely.
"The only reason Ulquiorra carried it was because I don't have clothes that fit properly because of you," Grimmjow grabbed Pantera from the Fourth, "But if you need proof of my power…"
He dropped his pants as he grabbed the blade with both hands. He could hear Orihime laughing again, but he ignored her. Instead he focused completely on his release, there way no way in hell he was gonna be stripped of his rank again.
"Grind Pantera," he ran his one hand over the blade. He felt the familiar power surge through him as his form changed. When it was complete he stood proudly facing the others.
"Ooh kitty," Orihime crooned and he turned to face her, teeth bared.
"I am a panther," he growled.
"You make a pretty kitty…"
As Granz laughed, and Gin snickered behind him he lunged for the girl. Ulquiorra quickly got between them, grabbing Grimmjow and placing him in a hold from behind. Now immobile he began to kick and scream.
"Let me go you pale bastard!"
"The boy really needs some discipline," Gin said to Aizen.
"I'm gonna kill her…"
"Ulquiorra seems to be doing a good job of it," Granz added.
"And when I finish with her I'm gonna rip out Granz's throat…"
"Ulquiorra does have a way with children," Gin teased.
"If he's already responsible for the girl, you may as well put Grimmjow under his care too," Granz prodded.
Ulquiorra stilled; his grip strong on Grimmjow.
"I do not believe it would be wise to let him around the girl," Ulquiorra tried to dissuade them.
"Oh please, Ulquiorra," Gin laughed, "Children need friends or they grow bored."
"If I release him he will kill her," Ulquiorra stated.
"Ulquiorra you are such a worrier," Granz laughed.
"Right now Grimmjow is more a menace than a help," Aizen spoke. "He is of no use to me like this."
"But I am still strong," Grimmjow pleaded. His struggling stopped.
"You are a child, and no Shinigami will engage you in battle," Aizen said, "Least of all Kurosaki."
"Then make Granz give me an antidote."
Aizen turned to Granz, "Is there such a thing?"
"I just perfected this potion," he admitted. "But then it was stolen…so it will take a while, but I am sure that I can come up with something."
"Until then I leave both children in your charge Ulquiorra," Aizen looked at the Fourth, "After all it was your negligence that allowed the Sixth to create this situation."
"It's Granz's fault," Grimmjow protested. "Besides I don't need a nanny."
"I would beg to differ," Aizen said as his reiatsu surged just enough to cause Grimmjow to falter.
The sixth knew better than to argue further. Ulquiorra quietly accepted his fate as was to be expected for a kiss-ass like him. All Grimmjow knew was that Granz had better come up with a solution fast, or no restraints would keep him from killing the prick.
Szayel returned to his lab. The plan had gone off better than he could have hoped. Grimmjow stumbling into the mix was like the frosting on the cake. And it was obvious from Aizen's dismissal of the whole incident, that he was as equally bored as Granz.
And poor Ulquiorra, the Fourth would bear the brunt of this prank, while the rest of them sat back and enjoyed the show.