A/N: Heller. (How I say hello. Dammit.) I (don't) own Durarara! but of course you already knew that. I got bored last night at one in the morning and got to wondering how flirting between Izaya and Shizuo would go. Fast forward a few hours and here is the product of my wonderings. Enjoy it. Or don't. I don't care. (I secretly do).(Dammit.) Okay, love ya, mean it, bye!
Shizu-chan and I can never do anything simple. For the record, it's usually his fault, though I suppose I will take…a quarter of the blame rather than the majority that Shizu-chan would vehemently claim that I own. He likes to exaggerate, ne? Silly Shizu-chan. I suppose that's why I…love?...him. It's a bit complicated but long story short we have been dating for six months, nine days, seven hours, and twelve minutes—wait, no, now thirteen minutes. It's my job to keep track of these things since, let's be honest, he won't know. He's the type that guesstimates. He's simple like that, yet ironically enough everything we do ends up being much more complicated than it actually should be. This includes simple flirtation—which the brute can't pick up on the subtle nuances of. I don't know why I expect that to ever change…
Shizuo and Izaya were invited to a little get together—read double date—by Shinra. He and Celty were the select few who knew about the simply intricate relationship that Izaya and Shizuo shared. While Celty had been mildly surprised when they told her, Shinra had secretly shipped them for quite some time now so he reacted with irritating jubilation, and was a little too accepting at times. He had attempted to invite them on several double dates in the past, but between Izaya's work and Shizuo's frank unwillingness to go, a date was never set. This time, however, Shinra was bound and determined to pin the two down and make them commit to a damn date. Dammit.
So it was this determination that had Shizuo and Izaya getting ready for what would surely be a long….long…night…
"I don't wanna go," Shizuo said quite stubbornly. His version of getting ready was to sit on the couch and pout about it. Izaya was having none of it.
"That wasn't what you were saying last night," he smirked at the appropriateness but all together cliché of his statement.
Shizuo frowned. "Yeah, well, I changed my mind. I won't go."
Izaya turned, setting aside the shirt he was considering wearing—though he didn't know why he bothered, since he wore the same color scheme practically year round. Shizuo eyed him, curious to see what the flea intended to do to make him commit. With one of his usual dramatic gestures, Izaya shifted his weight onto his back foot and placed a hand on his hip, raising an eyebrow at the insufferably stubborn blonde, a childish grin on his face. Shizuo was not a fan of that grin. "No takesie backsies, Shizu-chan."
"…you're a child," was his ultimate comeback. He shifted his position on the couch so that his arm was draped over the back and his body was half turned so that he could get a better look at him. "I don't have the patience for Shinra tonight. Can't you reschedule or something?" If he had his way, Shizuo would always ask for a reschedule.
Izaya's grin turned into a slight smirk as he walked over to the couch, leaning over and placing his hand quite close to where Shizuo's arm was resting. "If I'm a child," he started, leaning closer so that their faces were only inches apart, Cheshire grin still in place, "then you're a kinky bastard."
Shizuo had no other choice but to take a pause at that, his mind spinning, trying to figure out where the hell that had come from and why it mattered at all. So yes, for the record, that meant he wasn't denying what he was saying. "The hell? How does that pertain to going on a double date with Shinra and Celty?" Stupid flea. Twisting his words into something entirely different.
"You called me a child, I was only pointing out the implications of what you said, since you never seem to think of them," he said lightly, no actual maliciousness in his voice. If anything, he just seemed amused. "And to be honest? You never have the patience to deal with Shinra." He flicked his nose playfully to make a point, gracefully dodging out of range when Shizuo made an irritated attempt to slap his hand away, effectively proving his point.
"You're the one who gets implications out of nothing so what does that say about you?" He grumbled, and though he was mildly annoyed, he wasn't angry. These days it took just a little more from Izaya to do that—like taking his toothbrush. Alas that's a story for another day.
Izaya turned back to his selection of shirts, moving his attention to a red one that particularly called to him, tapping his index finger against his lips thoughtfully. "If you want to reschedule with Shinra, you're just going to have to call him yourself, and we both know that means we'll end up going anyway and you'll end up a little more irritated for the measure. So what's the point, hmm?" He lifted the shirt up for closer examination, then decided it pleased him enough and started to change into it.
Shizuo thought about this, silent for the time being. He couldn't deny that the flea was right, which made him click his teeth together, a sound that was irritated for the moment but would soon morph into one of resignation. Canceling on Shinra now was just asking for a lot of unnecessary trouble. It was better to just bite the bullet and get it over with than sit there on the phone for an hour listening to Shinra woe about how the values of friendship were meaningless these days. "I like that one," he said after a moment, indicating the shirt that Izaya was currently changing into. It was his way of saying that he was going to go and get the damn thing over with, without actually having to say it of course. His eyes lingered a little longer on the exposed skin of his neck and shoulders than on the shirt itself and his thoughts went to the night before for just a brief moment.
Almost as if he knew where Shizuo's thoughts were going, Izaya's eyes slid over to him, surveying him lazily. "No need to look so glum, Shizu-chan. I'll sweeten the deal for you."
Shizuo was immediately interested and suspicious—could never be too careful when it came to the flea. "Sweeten how?"
Izaya's lips quirked up a bit—he knew Shizu-chan would be sold. It was also nice to see him perking up just the way he predicted he would. "You keep forgetting there's always after…" He just so happened to arch his back a little bit as he said that, taking the opportunity to stretch his arms over his head, settling in to the recently added shirt. He let the implication hang in the air on purpose; opting to let Shizuo fill in the blanks as he so wished as he now looked around for the proper shoes.
"…" He didn't need much time to think about that, his thoughts already headed in that direction long before Izaya finished talking. He knew that he was being bribed, but in this situation he didn't really mind so much. With a huff for the sake of theatrics—he could have his own moments too—he hauled himself off the couch to go rummage around for a suitable outfit. While he was at Izaya's place at the moment, they had made it a habit to leave clothes at each other's places. It made things more convenient that way for situations like these. "Let's match, Iza-chan," Shizuo said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
Izaya glanced over at him, bending over to pull on his shoes. He didn't bother to comment on how ridiculously easy it was to bribe Shizuo into doing just about anything he didn't want to do with just the slightest implication of future sexual contact. The blonde was a beast after all, and this was just something that should be expected, not that the information broker could say that he really minded. It was endearing in its own right. "Don't tempt me," he grinned evilly, "Shizu-chan."
And so, that was how Shizuo and Izaya found themselves sitting in a cozy little corner of Russia Sushi with Celty and Shinra sitting with them, Shinra trying—and failing—not to laugh at the two matching men before him, the only difference in their blue shirt, black pants combo being that Shizuo was scowling and Izaya was smirking in utter triumph. Celty was lucky enough that she didn't have to hide her amusement considering there was no expression to hide when one had no head. Shinra was almost jealous. Almost.
Since Izaya was too busy basking in the glow of victory, it fell to Shinra to break the ice. "You two look good!" He said with a grin. He was under the impression that they had planned this out, and while he thought it was a bit over the top for them, he accepted it with ease anyway—it gave him hope that one day Celty would be more open to the idea of wearing matching outfits. Shinra always suspected that he would look good in a tight leather cat suit.
Shizuo contributed to the conversation by giving him an utterly un-amused look while Shinra continued to grin happily, and Celty mentally face palmed—she didn't have a face to actually do that, hence why Shinra wasn't jealous—because she was pretty sure that he had said the worst possible thing to set the tone of the conversation. They weren't even three minutes into the dinner and already it looked like Shizuo was about to throw something—more likely someone (cough, Shinra, cough). To make matters worse, the person taking the opportunity to answer was, of course, Izaya.
"Why thank you," he said, looking vindicated, pointedly sipping from his glass of water like it was the keg of glory. "Shizu-chan was actually the one who suggested it. He even went so far as to pick them out!" He gestured emphatically with his hand, batting his eyelashes like a young woman in love and just plainly getting on Shizuo's nerves. It was because he wasn't technically lying that he couldn't truly get angry. More than anything it was just frustrating that he couldn't protect himself from the slanderous implications of his words. He had tempted him... Unfortunately he could do nothing more than glare some more, which Shinra took as confirmation of what Izaya said, thus making the situation worse.
"Really?" he looked to Shizuo now, "I didn't peg you for the type to be so gung ho about such openly romantic gestures! Erika would be—"
Celty punched him in the gut to shut him up, knowing that an Erika comment would send Shizuo flying off the proverbial handle, something that he already had a tentative grip of.
Shizuo grinned dangerously. "Be what Shinra?" He was just daring Shinra to finish his sentence. He really needed an excuse to just hit him and end the whole thing.
Izaya was just happy—oops, thrilled—that Shizuo was too busy getting angry and not even getting around to denying what he had claimed; he didn't want Shizuo start throwing the punches just yet, he would like to at least have his ootoro first, so he decided to distract the blonde by throwing him off balance, which, considering it was Shizuo, wouldn't be too hard. His weapon? Why, the oldest card in the book.
Childish? Yes. Endlessly amusing? Hell yes. Could something go wrong? More than possibly. Did he care?…No.
So, while Shinra frantically babbled to cover his stupid Erika comment and Celty tried to do damage control by frantically typing apologies in her PDA, Shizuo only mildly appeased, Izaya lightly tapped his toe against Shizuo's ankle. At first Shizuo didn't pay it any mind since he wrote off the flirtation as an accident. It wasn't until Izaya had tapped his foot more pointedly a second time that he got the message. Idiotic brute. Shizuo responded by lightly tapping his foot in return, just the smallest of smiles gracing his lips. Shinra and Celty took this as sudden, unexplained, forgiveness for Shinra's earlier foot in mouth moment, to which they were both relieved and grateful for. For Izaya this was just encouragement he was looking for, leading him to drag his toe up his calf lightly, while his hand roamed unexpectedly to Shizuo's thigh. Shizuo was thrown a little off kilter at his forwardness at a dinner with friends, but he really wasn't complaining.
Meanwhile Shinra launched into an enthusiastic rant about what Celty was doing with her life, which mattered just enough for both of them to tune out. It helped that Celty also wasn't paying much attention since she was embarrassed by his oversharing of certain details of her activities that wasn't exactly proper for dinner conversation, not that Shinra cared since he didn't exactly have a filter when it came to his beloved. Poor Celty.
Izaya was perfectly happy to take advantage of the convenient background noise, dragging his foot back down Shizuo's calf while his hand started to wander more towards the inside of his thigh. Shizuo now paid zero attention to Shinra and was more focused on Izaya's hand and foot. Though he had known for some time, it was moments like these where he had to hand it to him: he could multitask. The flea still looked completely enthralled with whatever Shinra was saying despite what he was doing. Shizuo on the other hand was clearly not. It was all he could do to look Shinra in the eye while Izaya was doing this. He was in the process of uncrossing his ankles, which he had rested underneath his chair, when Izaya got impatient and grabby, his hand going for the…jewels. Shizuo had not actually expected that, having figured that Izaya would have the decency to NOT TAKE THINGS TOO FAR IN PUBLIC. He wasn't sure why he had given him the credit he clearly didn't deserve. It was not out of spite that he had kicked, not tapped, Izaya's shin, rather it was surprise. He finally threw eye contact with Shinra out the window and his eyes slid over to Izaya's. They were not yet apologetic, but questioning, however considering this deviation from the flirting protocol, Izaya could easily take this as a taunt.
Izaya's mind was currently on the throbbing, unnecessary pain in his shin. He'd figured Shizuo would have been pleased with his hand's little…treasure hunt, but that clearly wasn't the case. Not only was he irritated at Shizuo for being so prudish, he was also rather miffed at the continuous throbbing of his shin, and the "innocent" look Shizuo was giving only baited him into further retaliation. So what did he do? He oh so maturely slammed his foot into Shizuo's shin to see how he liked it. Shizuo of course was not pleased, far from it actually. He frowned and, of course, kicked back. Harder. In the same spot. What he did not think through was that this made things nearly excruciating for Izaya, seeing as he had not taken his monstrous strength into account, and he was lucky he didn't break anything. Izaya however felt less fortunate and more vengeful. So much so that his hand, so precariously placed, might have just so happened to twist. Shizuo's hand, which he had been using to prop up his head until this point, slammed down onto the table with a resounding thwack. Shinra, who had been talking about Celty's future cosplaying outfits, took this as a sign of intense interest from the blonde and happily launched into further detail while Celty considered the idea of creating a hole for herself and just jumping in.
Izaya was still not appeased and he continued his quest for revenge by suddenly digging the heel of his shoe into Shizuo's foot. Shizuo had intended to just kick him off, but in actual reality, he had pretty much slammed Izaya's foot, his toes to be specific, up to the bottom of the table, causing it to shake. Shinra took no notice. Izaya's eyes narrowed in pain and determination. With his other foot he kicked the underside of the table so that Shizuo's drink would spill all over his lap. Shizuo naturally jumped backwards, his chair not expecting the sudden movement—because chair's expect things—tipped over, taking Shizuo with it. The fall was not graceful to say the least. Actually, he went cursing all the way down, his hand reaching out to Izaya in a last ditch effort to save himself, and ending up dragging them both down with him in a blaze of fabulous mutually vengeful glory.
Shinra paused for a moment to process the sudden change in the situation before hopping back into his story of trying to put kitty ears on a headless woman without her helmet on. Celty's hand reached out, trying to simultaneously offer her help and see if they were okay. Shizuo was glaring at Izaya, who was situated on top of him. Figures. "What the hell flea?" He growled.
Izaya glared right back at him, propping himself on his hand so that he wasn't femininely pressed against Shizuo's chest as he had landed. "I was going to ask you the same thing, Shizu-chan."
"You kicked me," he accused, completely disregarding the fact that he had been the one to start it since he saw that as an accident, and Izaya's actions were completely unjustified.
"You kicked me first."
"It was an accident."
"A very conveniently painful one," his tone was equally accusing, which further angered Shizuo.
"You're exaggerating," he countered, deciding that Izaya was just being a little bitch as opposed to believing he was at fault for something he didn't mean to do.
"Exaggerating? You almost broke my leg! I don't know how one would exaggerate when it comes to your strength," he glared pointedly.
He couldn't deny that, however he could deny that this was in any way his fault. "You surprised me," he said defensively. "How was I supposed to know you were gonna take things too far in public?" While this sounded okay in his head, out loud it just sounded like he was punishing Izaya for scaring him.
"If you didn't honestly expect me to take it there, you are dumber than you look." For the record, Izaya was just mad, he didn't actually mean it. The implication that he was being punished pushed his mouth just a wee bit too far…
There was just a beat of silence. Just one as Shizuo breathed deeply, a last ditch effort to calm down, an effort everyone in the room—except Shinra who was still talking—knew was in vain. "Well," he said calmly. "I just thought you of all people," he said slowly, pushing Izaya off of him and standing up, Izaya immediately took the opportunity to put some distance between them while Shizuo grabbed the leg of the table, "would have. More. TACT!" To which he threw said table sideways at Izaya to emphasize the last word. This, at least, was something that would get Shinra to shut up, but by then it was too late, the table was already smacking him in the face and sending him across the room and into the other wall. Poor Celty could only stand there, her arm still stretched out when she had tried to pull Shinra out of the way.
Shizuo would feel bad about hurting Shinra later, but right now all he was focused on was killing Izaya with the chalkboard he had wrenched from the wall—when it was thrown and crashed through the window, the surprised people on the outside would find that there were some amazing deals that day at Russia Sushi.
Izaya, rather than looking the least bit worried, was merely grinning from ear to ear as he looked not at Shizuo, but behind him. It was at that point that Shizuo knew he was in trouble.
"Oh, fighting no good," came the too cheerful voice behind him.
He calmly turned around and looked at Simon, the looming black Russian who looked a little too happy to see him. He wasn't too scared since he knew that he could hold his own against Simon, however there was still a healthy respect over the fact that he had crossed the line in his restaurant. "Simon…" He said by way of a cautious greeting and an apology. Izaya made a shameless run for it. Shizuo might be able to take Simon, but if memory served him correctly, he could not. His escape did not go unnoticed, though, and Shizuo chased after him, leaving Simon standing alone in the wreckage, a too happy smile still plastered to his face. "Fighting no good…" the way he said was quite…ominous. Completing the picture was the sushi tray—the one that held Izaya, Shizuo, Celty, and Shinra's food—being held between his large fingers a little too tightly, his face was tilted down just so, shadows causing the planes of his face to be just a little more menacing.
Shinra crawled out of the wreckage that was the once nice table, his hand pressed against his forehead. He was pretty sure he got a concussion for that one. "…what happened?" He asked Celty curiously, because in his mind the evening had been going quite well so he wasn't sure what he had said that set them both off. Celty would have shaken her head—if she had one (he still wasn't jealous) at his uncanny ability to be so inattentive to the world around him.
[They were playing footsie. And it went horribly wrong somehow.]
Shinra chuckled a bit. "They would be the ones to screw something so simple up so badly."