Authors Notes - A delve into a new fandom... Southpark...wow.
So different from the other three fandoms in which I specialize.
But hey, I like the show, like the characters, and have a plot in mind.
What else do you need, except content, right?
"I've done it, Kevin!
After a long, tedious, six days, I've finally figured out who Eric Cartman's
mother is!" Dr. Mephisto exclaimed. Kevin, also known as the little
monkey guy, looked up at Dr. Mephisto, and whispered something to him.
"Why did I spend six days trying to figure it out, when I charged three
thousand dollars to determine the father?" He asked Kevin. Kevin
nodded. "Because those kids are idiotic enough to pay me. And
I was slightly curious as to who Eric Cartman's mother really is." He said,
and took the page that held the identity of Eric Cartman's mother out of
the printer. "I wonder how much they'll pay for this!" He wondered
aloud, and stuffed the paper into an envelope. He picked up the phone.
"No fucking way, Kenny."
Kyle said. The four kids, that is to say, Eric Cartman, Kyle Brofloski,
Stan Marsh, and Kenny Mckormic, were standing at the bus stop, much like
they did every day.
"Mmmphpbbgmmgm!" Kenny mumbled. Kyle looked at Stan, then at Cartman.
"No one ever moves to Southpark. Why the hell would anyone want to come to this redneck town?" Kyle asked.
"Shut up you stupid jew. Probably saw me on TV or something." Cartman said, pretending to fan himself like a movie star.
"Yeah, they probably saw you in America's fattest home video's." Stan said. Everyone but Cartman started laughing.
"Hey! I'm not fat you fucking poor piece of crap!" Cartman yelled at Kenny.
"Mmphppmmgpphm." Kenny said. Kyle and Stan fell to the ground with laughter.
"All right. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman said, and started to walk off.
"We have to go to school, fatass." Kyle said. Cartman stopped, and seemed to think to himself. Then he waled back to the other three boys. "I hate you Kenny." He said. Kenny made a rude gesture with his hand, as the bus pulled up.
"Sit down and shut up!!" Miss Crabtree yelled as soon as she opened the door.
"Up yours, you fat skank." Stan muttered.
"What did you say?!?" Miss Crabtree yelled.
"I said I wish Cypher wouldn't have shot Tank." Stan said.
"Oh. Well yes, that was unfortunate." Miss Crabtree said, and drove off. Kyle sat down next to Kenny, Stan sat next to Wendy, and Cartman sat alone, being too big to share a seat with anyone.
"Hi Stan." Wendy said.
"Blech!!!" Stan groaned, and threw up all over Wendy.
"Gross!" Wendy shrieked.
"Stan, that is fucking sick!" Cartman yelled.
"Mmmphphph!" Kenny yelled.
"What?" Kyle looked out the window where Kenny was pointing. "Well I'll be damned. Someone is moving in." He said. Indeed, there was a moving truck pulled up near a formerly vacant house. Just as they were all looking, a girl stepped out of the front door. She had long blond hair, piercing blue eyes, and looked about their age. "Holy shit dude!" Kyle exclaimed. Stan's tongue was about to hit the floor of the bus.
"Stan?" Wndy said softly. When he didn't answer, she spoke up a little. "Stan???" She said again. Still not hearing an answer, she yelled in his ear. "STAN!" Stan jumped about two feet in the air, and turned.
"What the hell was that for, Wendy?" He demanded.
"What were you looking at?" Wendy asked nicely.
"There's a new girl in town." Stan said, resuming to stare out of the window. Wendy growled.
"A new girl huh? Well she'd better stay away from my Stan," Wendy thought. The bus stopped a few moments later.
"Everybody off the bus!!!" Miss Crabtree yelled.
"Go to hell, you ugly dyke." Kyle said.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!" Miss Crabtree yelled.
"I said I have a little brother named Ike." Kyle said instantly.
"Oh. Well that's true." She said, as all the kids got off of the bus. "Stan? Did you see that new girl?" Kyle asked.
"Yeah! She's fucking hot!" Stan exclaimed. Wendy grabbed his arm, and dragged him away, toward the classroom. "What the...Ah! Wendy!" Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny just watched.
"Man, I'd never let a girl push me around. I'd be like, hey! you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and get me some more damn cheesy poofs!" Cartman exclaimed.
"Whatever, Cartman. Let's go." Kyle said, and walked off, leaving Cartman and Kenny alone. Cartman turned to Kenny.
"I hate you Kenny." He said.
"Okay class, today, we have
two new students joining the rest of you little dipshits. So don't
try to bring them down with the rest of you, okay?" Mr. Garrison said.
"Come on in, kids." He said, and opened the classroom door.
"Did he say new students? As in more than one?" Kyle whispered to Stan.
"I don't know, did he?" Stan asnwered as the new students walked in the room. "Dude! Isn't that the girl we saw earlier?" Stan demanded.
"Jesus man! There are two of them! Gah! Can't tell them apart!" Tweek said.
"This is Alexia, and Katie." Mr. Garrison said.
"Actually, it's just Alex." One of the girls said.
"You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!" Mr. Hat screeched. Alex immediately hid behind her sister. "Oh, I'm sorry Alex. Mr. Hat is a bit lousy with first names. Class? Alex and Katie are identical twins. Do any of you brain dead children know what that means?" Mr. Garrison asked. Butters raised his hand. "Yes, Butters?"
"Well, uh, I think I did this with a wormy once... You cut it in half and then the two pieces form new wormy's." Butters said.
"Okay, now let's get an answer from someone who isn't a complete retard." Mr. Garrison said. Pip raised his hand. "Yes Pip?"
"I do believe that Identical twins are formed when the embryo splits in half inside the womb." He said.
"That's right, Pip. Alex and Katie? Please find somewhere to sit." The two girls made their way to the back. One sat down in front of Stan, the other, across from Kenny. "Now class, today, we'll be talking about the pros and cons of the internet. Who wants to be the captain for the pro side?" He asked. Wendy raised her hand. "Okay, Wendy. And the con side?" One of the new girls raised her hand. "Okay, Alex." He said.
"Actually, I'm Katie." She said. Mr. Garrison looked at her for a moment, then picked up a rubber stamp from his desk. He waled over to Katie, and pressed the stamp onto her forehead. When he removed the stamp, a large K was visible on her head. "Okay, Katie is captain of the con side. Split up into your groups now." He said, as the kids began to wander around the room.
An hour later, all the kids were in their respective groups. On the pro side, was Wendy, Kyle, Kenny, Tweek, Bebe, and Butters. On the con side, was Cartman, Stan, Alex, Katie, Craig, and Clyde. Everyone else was undecided.
"Okay children. Wendy won the toss, so she'll go first." Mr. Garrison said. Wendy stood up.
"First off, my-" She was interrupted by Tweek.
"Gahhh!!! Too much pressure!!!" He screamed, and ran out of the classroom.
"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with that kid?" Kyle asked.
"Kyle, you go to hell! People that swear go to hell you little bastard!" Mr. Hat yelled.
"Now now, Mr. Hat. Kyle, a weeks detention." Mr. Garrison said.
"What the hell for?" He asked.
"For using the F word. Now shut the hell up and get on with the god damn debate!" Mr. Garrison yelled.
"Ahem. The internet is a great place for people to find all sorts of useful information. From atlases, to encyclopedias." Wendy said. Mr. Garrison put one tally mark over on the pro side. "Okay, Katie. It's your turn."
"The internet is nothing but a global pornography network. It's corrupting America's youth, and urging young people to lose their virginity at younger and younger ages..." The speech went on for three more hours. "...And further more, the Internet takes the work out of work. Fifty years ago, people had to be smart to do things. Now, with computers, and calculators, all you need to know is how to press a button. Which is why we're getting stupider, and stupider." She said, and sat down. Mr. Garrison put the forty second tally mark on the con side.
"Well Wendy, it looks like your little team got their asses handed to them. Con team? You're excused." Mr. Garrison said.
"Sweet!" Cartman yelled, and started running toward the door. The loudspeaker flickered.
"Will Eric Theodore Cartman please report to the principal's office." Principal Victoria said over the speaker.
"Son of a bitch!" Cartman yelled, as he turned to walk toward the principal's office. Kyle and Stan followed. "What the fuck are you guys doing?" Cartman asked,
"Just wanted to see you get in trouble, fatass." Stan said.
"I'm not fat god damn it!!!" He exclaimed as he walked into the principals office. He was greeted by his mother, Principal Victoria, and Dr. Mephisto. "What the hell?" He asked.
"I'm glad you were both able to attend. I have some information that you might like to know." Dr. Mephisto said.
"What, did you somehow manage to create a seven assed monkey?" Cartman said sarcastically.
"Unfortunately, that experiment is still in the works. You see, anything with more than six asses actually shits itself to death.... but that's not whta I came to talk to you about. I came to reveal the true identity of your mother." He said.
"Oh my," Cartman's mother said.
"M...my mom? Really? Seriously?!?" Cartman exclaimed.
"Whoa dude. I didn't think that Mephisto would do it for free!" Stan said.
"Dude, maybe we shouldn't find out. What if it turns out that one of us is related to Cartman?" Kyle said. Stan shuddered at the thought.
"But unfortunately, the information is at my lab. And I haven't looked at it yet." Mephisto said.
"Why the hell didn't you bring it with you?!?!" Cartman demanded.
"Because I just plain forgot. Isn't that funny?" Mephisto asked.
"No it's not funny god damnit!!!" Cartman shrieked.
"Ahem. Well, I'll be at home the rest of the day, so you may come look whenever you want." Mephisto said, then left. Cartman ran over to Kyle and Stan. "My mother guys! They know who my mother is!" He said excitedly.
"Probably Miss Crabtree." Kyle said. Stan started laughing.
"Hey! Fuck you, you stupid jew!" Cartman yelled. "At least my mom isn't a fat ugly bitch like yours!"
"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle yelled back.
"Do you kids want me to take you to Mr. Mephisto's?" Mrs. Cartman said worridly.
"YES! Let's go mom!" Cartman said, practically pulling her out of the building.
"This sucks, dude.
Why the fuck are we here anyway?" Kyle asked.
"Because we don't really want to see Kenny try to make sweet love with those twins." Stan said. Kyle laughed.
"Open the fucking envelope!" Cartman yelled.
"Very well... But are you sure you want to know?" Mephisto asked for the tenth time.
"I'm fucking sure already! Open it!" He yelled. Mephisto shrugged, and opened the envelope. "The mother of Eric Cartman is..." Kyle nudged Stan.
"Watch this." He raised his voice. "I'm sailing away....Set an open course for the virgin sea." Cartman heard this immediately.
"I fucking hate you, Kyle!" He took a deep breath. "...I've got to be free free to face the life that's ahead of me on board I'm the captain so climb aboard we'll search for tomorrow on every shore and I'll try oh Lord I'll try to carry on I look to the sea reflections in the waves spark my memory some happy some sad I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had we live happily forever so the story goes but somehow we missed out on that pot of gold but we'll try best that we can to carry on a gathering of angels appeared above my head they sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said they said come sail away come sail away come sail away with me come sail away come sail away come sail away with me I thought that they were angels but to my surprise they climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies singing come sail away come sail away come sail away with me come sail away come sail away come sail away with me." Kyle, Stan, Mrs. Cartman, Mephisto, and Kevin all stared at him.
"Whoa dude!" Kyle said.
"You're pretty fucked up, Cartman." Stan said.
"And all with one breath! Incredible! Young man, I could pay you a lot of money if you'd let me study you." Mephisto said.
"I don't give a shit! Just tell me who my fucking mother is god damnit!!!" Cartman yelled.
"He's going to explode, dude." Kyle commented.
"Very well. The mother of Eric Cartman, is... Hannah Testaburger." Mephisto said. There was silence in the room for a little while.
"W...Wendy's mom is Cartman's mom?!?!" Stan yelled.
"Yes. But the fathers are different. They were concieved within minutes of each other." Mephisto said.
"Haha! You're in love with Cartman's sister!" Kyle laughed.
"There is no way in hell I'm related to that tree hugging hippie!" Cartman said in shock.
"I'm afraid you are. You're her half brother. I contacted her shortly before you arrived. She should be here soon." Mephisto said. Stan was just staring at Cartman. Kyle was rolling on the floor laughing, and Cartman was staring at Mrs. Cartman in anger.
"How the hell could you do it, Mom?!?!" Cartman yelled.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Eric. It was such a long time ago, I was drunk...." She trailed off. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Kevin hobbled over to the door, and opened it. Mrs. Testaburger and Wendy walked in.
"Hi Stan." Wendy said.
"Blech!!!" Stan vomited on the ground next to her.
"Ewe!" Wendy exclaimed. "What's going on, Dr. Mephisto?" she asked.
"I was just telling this young boy who his real mother was." Mephisto said. Wendy looked confused.
"What does that have to do with...." Then it hit her. She looked up at her mother. "...You?" she asked. Mrs. Testaburger nodded slowly. "Waaaahhhhhh!!! No!!!!" She threw her arms around Stan. "I don't wanna be related to fatass!!!" She sobbed.
"Hey! You think I want to be related to you, fucking hippie?!?" Cartman said.
"Kids?" Mrs. Cartman said.
"What?" Cartman and Wendy said in unison.
"We've been talking, and we think, that now that you know the truth, Wendy and her mother are going to be moving in with us, since her dad died a few months ago." She said. Cartman and Wendy just stared into each others eyes, and screamed.
"NOOOOO!!!!!" They both cried.
"Ahahahahaha!!!" Kyle cried in laughter.
"Noooo!!!" Stan cried in despair. Suddenly, the door opened. It was Kenny.
"Kenny?" All the kids said at once. Kenny pointed outside.
"Mmmhopmmmhphphpmhpmhpmphpmphphpmpmpmmmmmhppmppmmpphmppmhmpmpmphpmhpmhppmhpmhpmphmh!" He cried happily. All the kids looked at each other.
To Be Continued...