Ever wonder what happens when an angst epic gets too tiring and a muse of sorrow takes a break? Well, here at the Casa de Llama, that usually means Erato, my lemon and romance muse, steps in and does a one-shot, blisteringly *hot* sex scene for some deserving bishounen but this time it was her sister, Thalia, my rarely heard from humor muse, who answered the call.

{shakes head and is as surprised by this as many of the readers might be even as thundering music plays in the background, the same as that which underscores the proceedings on "Iron Chef"}

Hence, to the utter amazement of myself and perhaps others, allow me to introduce the latest llama-fic-in-progress -- "Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style"!

{allows the laughter to subside then continues}

As the title so clearly implies, this is indeed a crossover with that marvelously quirky cooking show from Japan which features a standing army of four top-notch chefs who are ready to do battle against whatever challenger is chosen by their "lord and master", the inimitable Chairman Kaga! Granted, this won't be anywhere close to a reverent treatment of that grand show, neither will it be terribly well written most likely, but I certainly hope it will be funny for those of you who decide to give it a try.

Please note that this is indeed a shonen ai/yaoi piece and the pairings plus detailed warnings are listed in the indicia of the prologue plus teaser below and I hope you will heed them before reading it. Whether or not this madness is continued so you can get answers to the questions in the teaser will depend on reader support here at fanfiction.net, so please leave supportive comments if you want more. If you don't want more, just ignore this and I'll probably abandon it soon enough on my own.

{bows and vanishes even as the soundtrack from "Backdraft" echoes in his ears}

Enjoy the Madness!

~~~Enigma~~~

(who just realized this is his first humor fic in over a year and a half and is suddenly wondering if this is such a good idea after all or not {shrugs, smirks, and runs it anyway} )

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Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [prologue & teaser]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki

Written: September, 2002

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?) [possibly more!]

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef" [1], shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than gentile language, squicky things here and there, far more random Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, additional warnings and pairings possible as fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil?

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Co. on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

Kanzeon bosatsu drummed her long, perfectly manicured fingernails on the armrest of her special "Goddess Edition" La-z-boy ™ chair and scowled angrily at her right hand man as she demanded, "*What* did you just say, Jirousin?!" [2]

Sweat-dropping profusely and correctly fearing the wrath of an immortal beauty whose favorite TV program had unexpectedly announced plans to show a special "encore performance"--a.k.a. an unplanned rerun, something goddesses truly detest, of course--the bearded godling responded, "Forgive me if I failed to speak clearly, oh great one, but I said that 'Iron Chef' is showing the 'New York Battle' again this week."

Growling in a most unladylike fashion, the annoyed celestial asked archly, "And why, pray tell, would they expect us to endure *that* fiasco again?!" She snarled angrily, "Shit, seeing Bobby Flay almost electrocute himself was funny the first few times, after that it just got redundant."

"I know, majesty, I know," the poor man agreed, bowing repeatedly and trying to think of a way to break the *real* bad news to her highness. Not coming up with a brilliant plan within the time allotted, he gave in and told the mundane truth, "Um, it would appear that the entire regular cast was hit by food poisoning after last week's special Korean-centric kim chee battle and they are all still recovering." [3]

Oddly enough, this evoked a bit of sympathy from the previously uncaring goddess and she scrunched her face up and exclaimed, "Ewwwww!! They had the usual number of dishes all made out of over-spiced pickled cabbage *and* it wouldn't stay down?!" Turning her head aside and reaching for some mints she kept handy for distasteful revelations, you know, like finding out the bad guys were actually pretty decent fellows one couldn't obliterate with a wave of a heavenly hand, she added, "Now *that* had to hurt!"

"So true, so very true," the much-put-upon godling agreed with a sigh.

After thoughtfully munching on her peppermint Life-savers ™, all of which read "Titanic" on them for some reason, Kanzeon bosatsu finally said, "Well, in that case, we'll have to do the show ourselves!" As the bearded man beside her paled visibly, she clapped her hands in delight and added, "Yes, that's a perfect solution! We'll give the world a whole new level of excitement in culinary warfare!"

Knees shaking and imagining the reaction if the easily annoyed Genjo Sanzo was told he was to be the flashy Chairman Kaga's replacement--something that would *not* go over well in *any* language!--the godling asked nervously, "Um, but what shall we call this undoubtedly unforgettable show, majesty?"

"What else?" The sexy immortal smirked, "It will be 'Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style!'"

Groaning as he face-faulted and ended up flat on the floor with one foot in the air like an incredibly overwhelmed manga character, Jirousin waved a hand to enact the goddess' wish and with a flash, they vanished from their heavenly palace entirely. Where they were to reappear and which of the poor, suffering souls they had influence over would become entangled in Kanzeon bosatsu's first venture in television production remained to be seen.

After all, this is only the beginning….

*****

To be continued…?

Author's Notes:

[1] For those of you who may not be familiar with it, "Iron Chef" is the remarkable Japanese cult favorite that shows on Food Network here in the US on Friday and Saturday nights at 10 Eastern as well as numerous specials. The show's a delightful amalgam of culinary excellence in a one-hour, competitive format filmed, oddly enough, in an arena like soundstage named "Kitchen Stadium". You don't really have to have seen the show to find this pathetic attempt at humor funny, but it might help.

[2] The names of the Saiyuki characters used in this fic are as per the "Saiyuki Official Fan Book" unless otherwise noted. Also, as for all the insane nicknames, terms of endearment, and appellations, um, well, uh, I blame too much angst and not enough playtime for my muses while we've been fighting to stay on-track with "Fateful Encounters".

[3] In all honesty, I used to love kim chee, but the experience the "Iron Chef" gang suffered from here is based on personal experience and it's been hard to face that super-spicy dish ever since!

~ + ~ + ~ + ~ begin teaser mode ~ + ~ + ~ + ~

If this misbegotten fic *is* continued, you will discover the answers to the following undoubtedly burning questions…

Who amongst the Saiyuki gang can *possibly* take Chairman Kaga's place and handle the MC duties with style, flair, *and* look pretty damned hot in what looks like one of the "Entertainer-formerly-known-as-Prince's" music video outfits with a few extra accessories?!

How can *anyone* expect the eternally-hungry Goku to control himself when he finds a veritable smorgasbord spread before him in top-quality cooking ingredients all of which look scrumptious to our adorable bakasaru?!

How will Dokugakuji handle Lirin after the vivacious child discovers that while her masculine counterpart from the Sanzo party is one of the invited guests *she* isn't?!

Who will be our challenger and what inspiration will she bring to Kitchen Stadium?! (Yes, this is a boring question, but it's one well worth pondering and it was one of the few of these that I could match to the usual commentary on "Iron Chef" so let it ride, okay?)

What the *hell* does Gojyo think he's doing flirting with not only the challenger but also Kanzeon bosatsu as well as Hakkai?!

Speaking of Hakkai, why isn't his trusty white dragon/pet/friend/jeep on his shoulder and why is there a special bottle of red wine set aside for the precious little thing as a reward for the end of the show?!

Which of the Iron Chefs can possibly be expected to cope with this insanity and how can he deal with the fact that substantial, unauthorized samples of his dishes keep being stolen by floor reporter Ohta's replacement, a man who is making quite a nuisance of his charming self?!

Why is Sanzo reading something *other* than the newspaper for a change and shouldn't he be paying more attention anyway?! After all, not even the Sanbutusin's debit card can cover the damages if Goku loses control and decides that all those lovely non-chosen and highly expensive theme ingredients for future episodes look too tasty not to enjoy right away?!

For that matter, what *will* be the theme ingredient for this most unusual battle of the century?! (Actually, this is an area your humble author needs some ideas for so, if you like this fic concept and have a suggestion, let me know, all right? I've got one in mind that I'm not completely sold on, so feel free to mention any vegetable, meat, or other item you feel is worthy of such excitement! Um, but not hot dogs. I did those before in "Gundanium Chef" and don't want to repeat myself even if that fic is two years old now.)

Why does Yaone keep whispering a million questions in Hakkai's ear and why doesn't the human-turned-youkai who already has a lover--thank you very much!--not feel the least bit worried that she might get a jealous scythe run through her for it?!

Who gets to be in the royal box for the entire battle and what on earth is that strange flickering presence which keeps appearing and disappearing near them?!

Last but never least, who will win the culinary competition?! Whose cuisine will reign supreme?! Will it be the "Iron Chef" or perhaps the chosen Saiyuki cast member-cum-cook?! The heat will be *on*!!!

~ + ~ + ~ + ~ end teaser mode ~ + ~ + ~ + ~

Post Script:

Should there be enough support for this insanity, please plan to join us in Kanzeon bosatsu's version of Kitchen Stadium whenever Melpomene needs another break. After all, if Thalia broke free long enough to get this started *and* outline two or three more parts for future moments of madness, you just *know* this story's only going to get crazier in a *big* hurry!

{the llama bows appreciatively and then vanishes, most likely falling silent until more of "Fateful Encounters" is ready to share with the world in a day or two}

Please be advised: The prologue and teaser will be posted alone… isn't that a relief?

Posted: 02 September 2002 ~3:30am EDT