Happy Days by Sna

It's your average day on the bridge of the Starship Excallibur: Mark McHenry is slumped unconscious over his console and the ship's on auto- pilot, Robin Lefler is spying on our esteemed Ambassodor Si Cwan via the ship's internal sensors (to Lefler's immense enjoyment Si Cwan is taking a shower and singing some Thallonian battle hymn - off key albeit but the man is trying), Zak Kebron is nursing a hangover and designing a new type of phaser - with a trigger the size of a large banana, Soleta is rubbing her temples and staring as hard as she can at her console in an effort to force it to make sense when it's all blurry and shooting glares at her fellow lieutenants, Burgyone 182 is in engineering doing. something, Elizabeth Shelby is hurling darts at a picture of Admiral Jellico she's brought up on the viewscreen (the sheer size of the image means she hits him between the eyes every time), and Mackenzie Calhoun is.

Not there.

Ah, here's our man, the Captain of the good ship Excallibur exits the turbolift, surveys his crew and nods.

Calhoun: Well good morning all! Good to see you all looking so fresh this morning.

Shelby hurling another dart: Captain, it's 14:32 hours. It's the middle of the afternoon.

Calhoun checks wrist for watch and sees he doesn't have one: Oh.

Shelby: So hurls yet another dart mind explaining why you're 8 hours late for your shift?

Calhoun: Hey, last time I checked I was the captain Commander. If there was an emergency I would've been here in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

McHenry muttering sleepily: Must have been a pretty dead lamb.

Calhoun: I thought you were unconscious.

McHenry: no reply

Shelby having ignored all this: Oh really? Kebron, tell him what we had to do this morning.

Kebron: We were attacked by two Romulan Warbirds.

Calhoun: Oh, well the ship's just fine so I can trust you to take care of things.

Shelby: If you took the time to look Captain you'd notice we don't have a port nacelle anymore.

Calhoun: Oh well Burgyone can make a new one can't s/he?

Shelby muttering under breath: Of course Captain, as soon as hir magic wand is back from the shop.

Kebron: After the Romulan attack, the Redeemers decided to visit. It was a poor decision.

McHenry: No! God no! Not George Michael! kicks out frantically

Calhoun: What the hell is he talking about?

Soleta: He's having a nightmare Captain. I will deal with this.

Soleta gets out from behind her station and staggers over to McHenry's station. Kebron ducks as far as he can behind his console to avoid her glares. She reaches out with one hand in classic mind meld pose before passing out on top of McHenry

Calhoun: Oh. Well at least she shut him up. Who the hell is George Michael anyway?

Shelby: A twentieth century warlord. He brainwashed millions with his insidious lyrics before laying out plans for a nuclear holocaust. Thankfully he was struck by lightning during one of his performances before his plans came to fruition - the metal studs on his leather underwear were a poorly advised fashion decision.

Calhoun: Nasty. So what happened to the Redeemers?

Shelby: We shot them into a million teeny pieces.

Calhoun: Grand. Can I have my chair now?

Shelby: Don't you want to know how we defeated one of the most volatile threats this side of the galactic core?

Calhoun: No. But you'll tell me anyway.

Shelby: We manipulated their shield frequencies using a transmodular polaron beam of half strength but doubled frequency following the guidelines laid out by Doctor Sevren Gil of the Daystrom Institute for Scientific Advancement in Taleron IV.

Calhoun: Uhhhhhhh..

Shelby: Then we used a new phaser modulation to trigger a cascade in their main EPS conduits or whatever they have to pass for EPS conduits because of course we've never seen inside one of these ships and.

Calhoun: does some crochet

Shelby: .then we had to get clear of the area before their ship exploded and we did it by using those new engines developed by the Gregarian engineers of Poloo Nine in conjunction with the.

McHenry: starts singing 'Fly me to the moon' in a deep Sinatra style voice.

Calhoun: orders a three course meal

Shelby: . so we had to. blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Calhoun: dines upon a sumptious multi colored pepper salad starter (with French dressing and those cute little croutons)

Shelby: . blah blah blah blah blah blah Starfleet Regs blah blah blah.

Calhoun: finishes his salad, wipes his mouth with a napkin, and begins the chicken main course (roasted with a lovely potato au gratin side and little bits of parsley)

Shelby: .blah blah blah blah so I said, 'yeah right Riker. Try it and that beard of yours will be kissing the opposite end of your anatomy' blah blah blah

Calhoun: has a small rest after wiping out the main course and is presented with a lovely big bowl of ice cream for dessert (strawberry - and you thought it was a wuss-ass flavor - with coconut sprinkles)

Shelby: .blah blah blah then that tarty little counselor says 'but I love him!' and I'm like 'yeah, but he loves your catty lil' leotard even more honey' blah blah blah.

Calhoun: grins and starts flicking spoonfuls of ice cream at Jellico's picture

Shelby: blah blah blah then Jellico walks in and he's all like 'break it up ladies, come now. Come now' and I'm like 'who the hell are you calling a lady!' blah blah blah.

Calhoun: hits Jellico in the eye.

Kebron: Nice shot, sir.

Calhoun: nods happily and lines up for another go

Shelby: blah blah so by the time Picard walks in admittedly there's a lot of wrestling because I'd knocked that podgy jerk on his fat ass and I know we weren't exactly fully dressed but bear in mind that it was 3 am but all the same there was no need for him to raise that damned French eyebrow but before he could get a word out I beat him to it-

Calhoun: "ooh la la"? was it?

Shelby: I can't believe you were paying attention.

Calhoun: I always listen to you Eppy, just don't always let you know.

Shelby: That's a lie and you know it.

Calhoun: Indeed I do.

Shelby: smacks him upside the head

Calhoun: You know, I should be offended in some way by the fact that I am constantly being assaulted by my first officer but I've gotten so used to it that there's not much to be done.

Shelby: Excellent.

Calhoun: Err yeah. Sure.

Shelby: You can have your chair now.

Calhoun: FINALLY!

Shelby: No need to shout.

Calhoun: I wasn't shouting. That was my outdoor voice.

Shelby: Whatever. Sits down in her chair.

Calhoun: looks at McHenry and Soleta then over to Kebron who is slumping visibly behind his console.

Calhoun: What the hell were the three of you doing last night?

Kebron: glares as balefully as he can at the Captain before sliding onto the floor.

Calhoun: That came out wrong.

Lefler: quickly wiping the drool from her mouth as she looks up from the console screen Actually Captain this might answer a few questions and pull your fat from the fire.

Calhoun: What fat? What fire?

Lefler: doesn't deign to answer but instead taps some buttons and Jellico's face disappears to be replaced by the inside view of Soleta's quarters.

Calhoun: Do you record everything that goes on in this ship Lefler?

Lefler: No, sir.

Everyone: a sigh of relief.

Lefler: The internal sensors do. I just watch it.

Everyone: scratches the back of their necks or whistles nonchalantly

McHenry: No!!! Not the man-eating clams! I just redecorated.

Everyone: stares at McHenry's unconscious form.

McHenry: Whoa Soleta that is one fine outfit you're wearing.

Everyone: doesn't quite know what to say


(Yes it will be. Promise.)

Tune in next time for further tales of Drama! Disaster! and Depressing Incompetence!

What exactly did our favorite three Lieutenants get up to last night? Will Si Cwan ever get out the shower? Has Burgyone's wand been fixed yet? Do we want to know what happens next anyway? Where the hell was Selar anyway? Where the hell was Burgyone anyway? Wait, I think our imaginations can answer that! How long will this teaser go on for?

Not much longer.