I know this is probably the least original idea, but it's sort of like a rule if you write fanfiction for The Hunger Games, you have to write on how Peeta and Katniss grow back together and their life after the Games and rebellion. lol. Anyway this is how I imagined Peeta and Katniss grow back together, I might go on how Peeta convinces her on kids but I don't know yet.
I've been back in District 12 for a month now. And I'm absolutely miserable. Greasy Sae comes over twice a day to cook for me and Haymitch, well he's been drinking extra heavy to forget all of what has happened. I don't blame him, oh how I envy him right now. Just drink away his problems and forget about it temporarily. But I promised myself I would never drink again after my last experience. But lets just say that the alcohol tastes a lot better going down than coming back up.
"We need to fatten you up some." Greasy Sae says while she hoovers over the stove making some kind of soup. Her granddaughter, Anna, comes with her sometimes, she has dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I think she's four or five. I haven't had the guts to ask Greasy Sae on what happened to Anna's parents. I can assume that maybe they died in the bombings along with many District 12 residents did. I don't respond to a lot of what Greasy Sae says to me, I feel bad, because she tries to make some conversation. But she never gives up on getting me to talk at least some. "Have you talked to Gale or your mom lately?" She asks.
"No." I reply simply not wanting to talk about them. Especially Gale. Whenever I think of Gale, all I can think about is Prim and how Gale's bombs dropped. I don't blame him for her death, it's just that the possibility his bombs that killed her. The bombs that he designed back in District 13.
Greasy Sae gives me a bowl of the soup and brings it over to the wooden table in the kitchen. I haven't eaten much at all since I've been home, I'm not hungry. And that's the same case for me tonight. Not hungry.
"The leftovers are in the fridge. And if you want to talk to your mom or Gale, their numbers and mailing addresses are in the study by the phone." She tells me. And with that said, she left until the next morning where she'll cook me the breakfast that I don't eat. The study. Where President Snow warned me to show love for Peeta. Peeta. I haven't even seen him since my trial in the capitol. I've talked to Haymitch about him a few times, how he's in 13 getting some special treatment for his flashbacks. "And maybe you could take some over to Haymitch, you haven't seen him in a while."
She's right, I haven't seen Haymitch in a while. He's been over for dinner a few times over the last month, but he was drunk. He's probably passed out right now. But I feel like it's my duty to check up on him once in a while. He did get me through two Hunger Games and a rebellion alive so I at least owe him this. So I get a clear plastic container and pour the soup in it.
I walk through the long hallways leading to the front door pf my house. There used to be pictures of my family up there. My mom, dad and Prim. But slowly after many tears, I took them all down. I have no family left. Sure my mom is still alive, but would family leave me alone like this?
Haymitch lives next door, but I always look over at Peeta's house. Somehow hoping that he would come out and great me with a hug and maybe even a kiss. And his whole hijacking thing was just a dream. And there was no quell, and that Prim would still be alive. I shake that thought from my head, there is no use of wondering what could of happened. Because Peeta hates me, he thinks I'm some sort of capitol created mutt. But lets face it, there is probably only one or two people who don't hate me.
I walk up Haymitch's door steps and knock on his door. I wait about a minute outside without any sort of response so I open the door. It was unlocked, no surprise there. The farther I walk into his house, the more the alcohol smell is present. The smell makes me feel like I have to vomit.
I walk into the kitchen to open up some windows for some fresh air. I find Haymitch laying down on the table, with his knife in his hand. I used to think Haymitch was crazy to sleep with a knife, but that was before my first Games. Now, I don't blame him. It gives you some sort of security when you have no one else to give you that. Although physically we all have left the arena, mentally, we are trapped in there forever. So really, when you're reaped or volunteer for the Games, you're all guaranteed to lose, it's just how good of a loss you fight for.
I walk over to Haymitch and by his alcoholic smell and his body smell, I can tell he has been passed out for a while and no shower to add to it. I take a deep breath and walk over to him. "Haymitch." I shake his shoulder. No response. "Haymitch." I say louder, and still no response. I spot a bucket by his sink. I fill it up with ice cold water and pour it over him. This should wake him up.
Haymitch jolts up as a response to the water. He swings his knife around trying to 'kill' whoever was near him. He finally looks over at me, I'm standing in a corner in the kitchen. "What the hell Katniss?" He says, "How'd you get in here? There's this new thing, it's called knocking. Maybe you should try it sometime." He says in his natural sarcastic voice tone.
"Greasy Sae said I should take you some of the soup she made me for dinner." I say and hand him the container containing the soup.
Haymitch grabs a spoon that was laying on the table. I slightly gag at that not knowing how long it's been there or where it has been. "You know, Sae told me Peeta has tried to call you several times but you never pick up." Haymitch says. So he's the reason why my phone won't stop ringing on some days? Haymitch and I sit in an awkward silence until Haymitch speaks up again. "He really needs your help remembering things Katniss. I'll get letters from him asking me about certain memories, I give him the information I can, but it's really up to you if you want to see some of the old Peeta back."
"So." I snap back at him. I didn't mean to sound rude, but that's the type of person I am. And I hate myself for it.
"Just remember, if your situations were flopped, and you were the one who had been hijacked, Peeta wouldn't be treating you like this. He would be doing everything in his power to get you better. He deserves someone who is better than you. You could live a thousand life times and still never deserve him." Haymitch says, I don't know if this is really him speaking or the Drunken Haymitch, but either way, it's true. I don't deserve Peeta and I know it. But it's hard having someone constantly reminding you that.
Instead of picking another fight with Haymitch, I calmly leave, but I made sure to slam the front door so he knows I'm pissed. I walk home with my head dropping down, I really need someone to talk too. And as much as I don't want to talk to anyone right now, I need to fan out to someone. Someone who would listen to me.
Once I'm home, I walk to study where Gale's and my mom's phone number is. I don't know what happened to Gale, I know he moved to District 2 and got some fancy job there and my mother is in 4, probably helping out with the hospitals. But no one told me anything else.
I dial Gale's number first. Ring. Ring. Ring. Hello, you have reached the voice mail to Gale Hawthorn of District 2 Command of Military. Please leave a message with your name and number and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible.
"Hi Gale." I say, I feel my arms start to shake a little. "This is Katniss, I really need someone to talk to right now. Call me back. Please?" I hang up the phone, my voice probably sounded like a little kid from the Seam asking it's mother for food, but not having any.
I look at the other number, it was my mom's. I didn't want to talk to her, but maybe we could have a small conversation? And at least try to have some kind of dysfunctional relationship. Nothing. I reached her voice mail too. "Hi Mom, it's Katniss. I really need someone to talk to right now. I don't know if you care about me right now but I really need you. I have no one else." I can feel my legs start to shake some too and the tears roll out of my eyes, "I just feel so alone right now. And I know everyone hates me in Panem for everything I've put them through, but I was hoping that maybe you didn't hate me." I have to pause and find the strength inside of me to continue on, "But please call me back. I have no one." I say. I have no one? It's true in a sense. I'm sure Haymitch won't care if I died, Greasy Sae would mourn but continue on. But I wonder how Gale or my mother would react. Or even Panem in general.
I slowly walk out of the study and into the living room. I sit up and bring my hands to my temples. "Stop crying Katniss. Stop crying. Stop shaking Katniss." I say to myself trying to soothe myself. I can see the medicine cabinet in the kitchen from the living room. When I got back to 12, my house was cleared from knives or any sharp objects, all medicines besides the ones Dr. Aruelius prescribed me for my depression and anxiety. Were they afraid I was going to kill myself? Harm myself? Well, they were right. Once they think I have gained my 'sanity' back, I'll have the 'privelage' of having medicines and knives and then I can kill myself. After all, I'm the one who doesn't deserve to live. After all of those lives that I had killed.
I must have fallen asleep on the couch, because I wake up to the smell of pancakes no doubt coming from Greasy Sae. I walk quietly to the kitchen because today I actually have an appetite. "Why is Miss. Katniss so sad?" I can hear little Anna ask her old and wise grandmother.
"Well, no one is sure of the exact reason." Greasy Sae replies to Anna. "Most of the doctors think it's because she wasn't mentally or physically able to handle all of what she went through because she was so young." Of course I wasn't ready to be traumatized like I was. No one can physically or mentally handle it regardless of age.
I started to make my footsteps heavier so it wouldn't be a surprise when Greasy Sae or Anna saw me. "I hope you feel better Miss. Katniss. I made this for you." Anna said and hugged my leg when I entered the room. She handed me a picture of me surrounded by flowers and some of them are primroses. Compared to Peeta's paintings, this is awful, ugly even. But it was still nice of her to think about me considering I may have killed her parents and she doesn't know it yet.
"Thank you Anna. I'll hang it on my fridge." I tell her. The smile on Anna's face lights up the whole room, and it even makes me smile a little. Not a big happy smile. But a smile.
At the table I pick at the pancakes, I have already ate one, and I'm not feeling too hungry but Greasy Sae said she wouldn't leave until I ate at least two. "I heard Peeta returned back here a few days ago." She says. I just nod. I'm not sure if I'm ready to see Peeta. But is he ready to see me? I do cause him all of this unnecessary pain. "Maybe I should invite him to have dinner with us tonight?" Greasy Sae says asking me.
"No." My voice cracks and tears threatening to escape my eyes. "I'm not ready to see him yet."
Greasy Sae sighs, "Okay, but you can't avoid him forever you know. He is your neighbor."
After Greasy Sae and Anna leave, I'm once again all alone inside this oversized house of mine. I decided I wanted to go on a walk and go through town to see how the rebuilding is going. Hundreds of people have already moved back in the district, some previous citizens and some from other districts. I go upstairs and put on my hunting gear Prim got me for Christmas when we wear in this house. I look at myself in the mirror on the way out and realize how ruff I look. Matted hair, tear stained cheeks, gray under my eyes. I don't even bother to fix any of this because I have no one to impress.
The temperature outside is nice and brisk, it's almost October and the winter weather will soon be here for a few months. The Town Center is nothing like it used to be. The Justice Building was destroyed during the bombings, but was the first thing they rebuilt. Now it's made out of a scarlet red colored bricks. Many people look at me when I pass them. Some smile and wave. And the others look at me weird. But I give everyone a weak smile back at them. I wonder how people see me. A brave girl who lost everything? Or some selfish bitch who made others lose everything?
I look down at the ground and continue walking. "Oh sorry, excuse me ma'am." A familiar voice says. I look up immediately because I know who's it belongs too. "Oh hi Katniss." Peeta says. We make eye contact and I realize his eyes are the normal blue color. He has put on a lot of weight from the weight he lost during his time in the capitol.
I don't know what to do, I turn away from him and run to the Victor's Village where my house is at and I lock the door so no one can enter. I don't know why I made such a big deal about running into Peeta in town, it's not like I could avoid him forever. I guess I wasn't ready to meet him yet.
I look out the window and see Haymitch greet Peeta with a warm handshake and a hug. Part of me tells me that I should go and welcome Peeta home as well. But I couldn't get myself to move.
Over the next three months, I haven't talked to Peeta. But Haymitch and Greasy Sae tell me he's doing really good at controlling his flashbacks and how he hardly ever has them. But he really wants to talk to me, to clear up stuff that confuses him, that Haymitch can't confirm. My nightmares get worse and worse every night. Part of me wants Peeta to comfort me with his strong arms, but another doesn't because I'm Katniss. That strong independent girl who needs no one in her life.
Most of my nightmares are about Prim and Peeta. But I don't dare telling anyone because that will set back on when I can get rid of most of my medication and other stuff. I still speak with Dr. Aruelis once or twice a week though. And he thinks it's okay if I have knives and other medications in my house. He cuts me back on my depression and anxiety medication But little does he know on what I plan on doing with them.
I look at a knife that sits perfectly still in it's container. I picked it up and looked at the blade. Perfect. I bring the knife up to my wrist and I make a cut. It's not deep, but it does release some blood. It stings but it's a welcoming pain. I haven't cut in a long time. I used to cut, especially after my father died, I would become so stressed. I take the knife and place it up higher on my wrist, this time I cut a little deeper, I yelp in pain. But I'm so tempted to do it again. I bring it to my hips and start cutting away. I'm bleeding heavily, some cuts are deeper than others. But before I get too carried away, I get the pills and the rope. But I also get a pen and paper out so I can write my death note.
Dear whomever this may concern,
I couldn't do it. I'm a coward. I couldn't stand to spend another day without Her. I'm so sorry for all of your lost loved ones that died from the war. It's my fault. Everything is my fault.
Mom, you abandoned me when I needed you the most. But, I still love you. Love can either make you or break you. But it looks like it broke both of us.
Haymitch, you're my mentor, I hated you, you hated me, it was mutual. But we both cared for one another. Without you, I wouldn't have survived the Games. I'll be forever in your debt for that. And make sure that Peeta moves on and forgets about me. Make sure he becomes a dad one day. And promise me you won't drink your death.
Greasy Sae, thank you for always taking care of me even when I didn't appreciate it. And making sure I had food for my family when I was younger. Please take my winnings and money and this house, you deserve it.
Gale, you were my hunting buddy, my friend, my brother, but most importantly my confident. I love you like a brother. But you left me when I needed you the most. But I look at myself in the mirror and I would leave myself too. And don't forget, I don't blame you for Prim's death.
Peeta, I never understood why me. Why you loved me. I never thought a boy could love me especially when I couldn't love myself. I'm so sorry for whatever hell I put you through, I love you. As my last request, please promise me you'll move on. Find a new girl and have plenty of kids running around. And make sure they know who I am. Love you.
Bye forever, your Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen.
I'm shaking by the time I'm done with my letter. I wonder how Panem will react to this news, I'm sure some were expecting it at some point. But I wonder how the people who are close to me would feel. Especially Peeta. Will this shatter him? I wonder how my mom will handle this. I'm starting to feel a little selfish, but move on. I grab the rope and start to tie it, I hang it from the ceiling fan in the living room, I pull up a chair and stand on it. About ready to jump off the chair when I hear the front door open. "Katniss?" The warm voice that Peeta has calls out.