Incest/Blackcest/AU. If that offends you, why are you here?
"You do understand that I'm leaving, right?"
My brother's voice infiltrates the cocoon of thought and soft music where my mind had been nesting. I turn from the window to see him filling up the space in my doorway. There's a massive pack over his shoulder, and his traveling cloak looks hurriedly thrown on. The fraying edges are tucked up awkwardly beneath his bag. His wand is clutched tightly in his fist, as if he expects me to whip mine out and have a duel right there in my bedroom. I couldn't stop him if I tried. I never pretended to be more apt at magic than Sirius. He would always be more skilled than I. He would always be the brave, noble Black. It should have never been a surprise that he didn't fit in here.
I reached over and shut off the wireless. The pretty piano music faded into nothing.
"Do you know why?"
"Do you fucking care?"
I gave an involuntary twitch at his language. Sirius had been loose with words since we were little, and it was just one more thing that had caused him to get into trouble with our parents. However, why he even asked if I was bothered by his decision to run away…it was perplexing to me. I stared at him curiously. His face was contorted with rage I just could not identify with, I wasn't an expressive person. My emotions stayed inside me, graying and fizzing out whenever I got bored with them in turn. I could read anger and hatred in every part of my brother's face. Every inch of Sirius was written in emotion, gods you could nearly read them on his body.
"If you are asking if I care that you will no longer be living here, then no I cannot say I mind either way. I am accustomed to living apart from you while at school, so I truly do not see how this will change anything." I said after a few moments thought. "But, if you are asking me if I care that you will more than likely be disowned by our parents once they realize what you have done, then yes…I care very much, Sirius."
His dark eyes were watching me strangely. I hadn't said that much to him all year. We had grown apart now that I was getting older, and our ideals were becoming dissimilar. We didn't exactly hate each other as most people assumed. We just tolerated each other, because we were brothers, and nothing could really change that fact. As children, we had been incredibly close. I thought the sun rose and set by my older brother. The relationship…changed. Perhaps we became too close. Not one word was ever spoken about the nightly visits to each other's beds during the introduction of puberty. Sirius never explained what he was going to do when he approached me while I was in the bathtub during summer break. I never really asked, either. Nor did I never deny Sirius anything that he wanted from me. I couldn't. Even as he stood in my doorway, renouncing that he was ever a part of the family, a part of me, there wasn't a thing I would not do for my brother.
"Are you going to become one of them, Regulus? You do know you'll be killed. You-Know-Who will never survive Dumbledore," he sounded concerned.
My parents wish was that I followed the path that many other Slytherin teenagers aspired towards. They wanted me to become a supporter, a Death Eater. Our cousins were already deeply involved. Sirius and I had both been exposed to their tattoos. Bellatrix came often to talk to me, usually bringing a pair of strange dark young men called the Lestrange brothers. She told me how wonderful it was to believe in a world where magic ruled and Muggles and blood traitors were either in service to us or dead. For nearly two years she promised power and knowledge of incredible magic. For the same two years Sirius would counteract her words, trying to make me see that the stories were nothing but lies. Dumbledore was going to start building up support to fight Voldemort and his followers. And he would surely be victorious. My brother believed very much in the headmaster. I wasn't sure I had that much faith in any living person. Good or evil. Light or dark. I trusted no one but Sirius. But I knew he would never put that same trust in me. Obviously, why else would he leave me?
"I have not yet made my choice…I am still only sixteen."
"Barely, birthday boy."
A tiny smile, crooked and always slightly off, lit up Sirius's face.
I tried my best to smile like him, but my face just wasn't made for such a perfect look.
"But you have made your decision…" I stood up from my chair. "You're just going to leave."
Sirius's face was cloudy again. "They don't want me. You don't need me. I can't live where I no longer feel at home, Reg."
I became silent. My fingers were digging into the back of the chair so hard I was afraid I would tear the dark green fabric.
"Did you ever feel like this was home, Sirius?" My voice was threatening, so caught up and deep from the back of my throat.
His face adjusted into a surprised expression. "I used to. With you…"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I meant…"
I did know. I just felt so disturbingly pleased that I finally had him bring up the not so innocent moments from our shared childhood.
"I was always under the impression that it bothered you. That maybe you did think it was sick that we experienced those things together." I couldn't believe what I was saying, "That you realized there was something wrong with me,"
There was a hard thud. I glanced up to see Sirius had dropped his bag onto the carpet. My eyes looked up more, to his face. Disbelief swirled with anger flushed his handsome looks. He grabbed the door by the handle and threw it shut behind him. I didn't move or flinch when he walked right in front of me and hit me straight across my face. Pain exploded inside my jaw and I could taste the metallic feel of blood on my tongue.
"There is NOTHING wrong with you, Regulus." Sirius had me by the shoulders. I never felt more confused.
"I-, I don't understand…"
"I'm your older brother. Instead of acting like one, I let you sneak into my bed at night to touch yourself beside me, then with me…then everything happened too fast."
Sirius moved back from me, his hands falling to his sides. "I took advantage of you because I knew you would let me. I may not have an ambition to join You-Know-Who, but I am far from innocent."
He was actually apologizing for what I had felt guilty about for years. That I had coerced my brother into some kind of sick relationship. That it was the reason he stopped coming to my room, the reason he stopped talking to me altogether. But he had truly felt like the irresponsible one.
"I wanted it, Sirius."
I wasn't sure he had heard me at first. He didn't look up right away. Slowly though his head lifted, his dark stormy eyes watching me through his long hair.
"You can't mean that,"
"I wanted all of it. I used to anticipate every summer night, waiting to see when and if you would come in. Whenever you did, those were the nights I felt like a real person. Now I'm just…hollow. Like I preform the tasks set for me by everyone else. That I don't get to have any experiences of my own."
"You can…you could come with me,"
My mouth slid into a twisted grin. "We both know I can't. I'm underage, mother and father would probably have you arrested for kidnapping."
Sirius wouldn't look at me directly. "I know…"
"Then why suggest it?"
I watched him shrug. "Wishful thoughts…"
"You probably need to get going, right?"
I walked away, feeling emptier inside with each step. The window behind my chair had previously been lit in late afternoon sun light. In Sirius's company I hadn't noticed the orange pink fade into blackness. My bedroom was now cloaked in an eerie purple glow. I went fussing at my nightstand to light a candle. Sirius pointed his wand and lit them before I could even strike the match. The new lighting made our shadows bounce around on the walls. He was beside me again and it struck me how tall he was compared to me. I looked up to see him focusing on anything but me next to him. His forehead was even creased in exertion. I felt a sigh die off in my throat.
"I can't leave just yet. Mumsie and the old bastard went out to see the Malfoy's didn't they?"
I almost nodded not realizing he probably couldn't see it. "I believe so."
"Guess it wouldn't be any fun to run out of here if they aren't home."
"You want them to see you?"
We locked eyes for a few seconds. Sirius shrugged again. "One more night won't make any difference."
I felt him move so close to me that I found myself inhaling his smell. His shampoo choice was overpowering at first. Maybe because he had so much hair. Then I could detect the mint smell from toothpaste or something from his mouth. He was much, much too close…I could see the white of his teeth, I could see the dark spot on his lip he had dug from chewing it too hard…at the last second, I moved. Sirius ended up kissing my ear. He backed away, completely embarrassed. I wasn't used to seeing him that way and my own face reddened. Sirius had only kissed me once when he was fifteen and I was thirteen. He told me I did it weird so we never tried it again. Apparently I still wasn't so smooth with it, panicking like I did.
"I shouldn't have…I can leave, Reg,"
"Don't. You said you were staying tonight. Don't you dare take it back." My voice was dark and threatening again. I took a few steps forward and kissed above my brother's Adam's apple. I felt him swallow nervously against my lips.
"I won't. I…if I could, I'd take you with me."
I didn't say anything. I just clung to him like a child. The shampoo smell was less invasive the second time around. My arms felt weak wrapped around his strong shoulders. He had certainly grown up since I had last held him close. My fingertips twisted in the soft black locks of hair that were spread across his back. It was the longest I had ever seen his hair. We stood in front of the window for what felt like forever, until I heard Sirius laugh in my ear.
"How about we get into bed? Like we used to,"
Again, I couldn't find anything to say. I just pulled back and nodded. Before I could move Sirius picked me up. He did it so easily that I made a very unflattering, squeaky noise before he held me against his chest. There was more chuckling inside my ears.
"You were always so light, Reg. You need more protein in your diet,"
I made a face. "I eat just fine, thanks."
He just kept his crooked smile on his face as he seated me in his lap on the edge of my bed. I was thankful for the bad lighting, because I knew my face was lit up like the sun. I watched Sirius's hand snake around my waist, his fingers pulling my pajama bottoms down off my hip. The wicked sense of sensuality flooded my cerebrum. Warmth spread across my skin as I felt him touch my bare skin. It was just like old times, only better than before. Each time being with Sirius was always better than the last. Just when I thought there was nothing left, he would make me feel so many new feelings all at once. If that was how he lived all the time, I felt privileged to just have a slice of it every so often.
I inhaled the smell of mint again as his lips found mine. I kissed him back shyly. Except for a few botched attempts at snogging with some girls at Hogwarts, Sirius was the only person to ever really kiss me. He was always better at it than I was, but I tried not to make it too 'weird'. I must have improved, because I felt his tongue slide across my bottom lip. I stopped kissing Sirius and his face moved away from mine.
"You stopped me again…"
"Do you like kissing me, Regulus?"
'Did he actually sound not sure of himself?' I thought in disbelief. It was no use denying that half the girls (and maybe boys) at school would do nearly anything to be involved with my older brother. He was very attractive but not very obtainable. He wasn't overly flirtatious. You received attention from him only if he was actually interested.
"Yes I do,"
"Hm," I felt his hand slide inside my pants and wrap around my soft cock. "We'll see, won't we?"
I didn't have time to process how that made me feel. It was too big of an emotion for me to deal with. I felt swallowed in waves of it as Sirius kissed my open mouth. His tongue slid across my own and I could feel him stroking me inside my pajama bottoms while sliding my shirt up with his left hand. My mind recalled awkward experiences from my pre-teens, ejaculating too quickly from just a bit of petting and coaxing from Sirius. He never teased me about it, he would only clean me up and ask if I wanted to go again. Nearly two and a half years had passed since I had been close with my older brother, so I was praying to the deities that I could have better control over my body. Sirius had far too much control over me. His lips left my mouth and began kissing down my neck. I felt his teeth prick my throat, digging them in sharper than I had ever been bitten before. A soft yelp escaped my mouth. But Sirius didn't seem apologetic. He reached around my hip and squeezed my backside instead.
"You bit me…" I was ashamed at how ragged my breath seemed.
A gleam of white, Sirius was smirking. "Stand up and undress, Regulus."
When I didn't immediately comply he pinched my thigh. I jumped off his lap and pulled my night shirt over my head. Sirius lay back against the jade green duvet and watched me slide my pajama bottoms to the floor. I used to catch him watching me undress before bath time or bed time. Eventually I just ended up inviting him into my room. I knew I should have felt wrong about it, in fact I waited for those feelings to sprout. But they never really grew. Once I was completely naked Sirius pulled me on top of him. His lips caressed my inner thighs as he held me up near his face. His hands slide over my rear, squeezing and touching and feeling my bare flesh. I bit into my own lip to keep silent. I wanted to be as composed as my older brother. It was funny how I remained so unruffled at any other time besides relations with Sirius, and he was almost the complete opposite. It wasn't fair at all. He just enjoyed seeing me unravel.
I felt his wet tongue on my prick. It slid up over the head, and then his entire mouth encased half of me. Over and over I edged deeper into my brother's warm throat. His fingers were pressed against my backside, I could feel them slide lower and lower until Sirius was spreading my legs. My cock had left his mouth and his fingertips were rubbing up against my entrance. I locked eyes with Sirius, and he slowed down until he was just touching my thighs. We had never had actual sex before. Not with him inside of me. Sirius had said I was too young and that was probably a line we should leave uncrossed. But, not for the first time, I wanted to cross it. I wanted to run across the damn line.
I slid off of him and picked up my night things. "You…you should go."
A dark settling of cloudiness shadowed Sirius's face. But just for a moment. He nodded and stood up as well. I could see so many different things cross his mind. Desire. Disappointment. Anxiety. And finally, his default apathetic face. We stood in silence for so long that when my brother spoke his voice cracked at first.
"You were always smarter than me, Reg. You know when it's time to stop." Sirius laughed softly while rubbing the back of his neck.
Normally I would dismiss him casually out of my bedroom. Instead I walked over and wrapped my arms around his middle. I held him closer when I wanted to stop, and pretty soon I had pulled him onto his knees alongside me as I gripped his shoulders for dear life. My big brother wouldn't be a part of my family by morning, but that wouldn't mean anything. I swore I could feel wetness brush against my cheek. It was hard to imagine someone as strong as Sirius crying. I knew tears had fallen down my face already. I pulled back but there was no evidence on his face except slightly red eyes.
"Mum and Dad…they'll be home soon."
"I know…but listen; I won't just forget you here. When you turn of age I'm coming to take you with me, wherever I am."
That was so irrational I wanted to correct him. But I didn't because I wanted him to mean it, and I wanted it all to be true. I nodded and swallowed hard, the taste of him still on my tongue. We stood up together and finally slid apart.
I watched his back start out my door. "Wait, Sirius-,"
There was too much to say. So many different ways to tell him how I felt and I had forgotten all the words.
He smiled once again, the grin stretched from ear to ear. "Don't I know it,"
Sirius closed my bedroom door behind him. He wouldn't visit again until years later after my death, torn and shattered in more ways than one from his years in Azkaban. He would regret not spending the night and regretting wanting to all at once. He also never forgave himself for not coming back for me. He was convinced that abandoning me was the cause of me becoming a Death Eater. But I had only done it to fight back. I wanted to feel just as strongly about something like Sirius did, but then I realized that I did feel- I loved him. And with that I realized I could be as brave as my big, strong, older brother Sirius.