So I mangled a fairytale, but it's not mine. The characters are not mine. Any name brand object is not mine. This was just to prove to myself that I can write something short. It's not great literature, but it's brief. Tell me your opinions or next time I will write one about you. ha ha.
Long ago and far away there lived a widowed king and his beautiful daughter: Snow White. Her skin was white as the new fallen snow, her pouting lips the color of blood, and her long black hair darker than ebony.
Cue Mike in Renessaince style dress. He winks and waves.
Though the princess was indeed gorgeous and loved her father very much, the king was lonely for a companion, and leapt at the chance to wed the next eligible bridal candidate that his advisors put forward.
See Casey with a Crown playing hackey-sack with Mondo Gecko.
"So dude, how long's it been since you've gotten any? I mean, shit, I know this chick that's got some mad skills…"
Shortly after Queen April and King Casey were married, he died in a tragic lawn-darts accident.
Queen April stands over the body. King Casey laid out on his face, lawn darts bristling out of his back.
The whole kingdom was in mourning, but none were as heartbroken as the little princess.
Mike in a dress, laying on a bed, Metallica posters behind him, reading a comic book.
Queen April ruled the country with an iron fist, imposing a startlingly efficient socialist regime. She also practiced the dark arts, which are kind of, but not quite the same thing. Her most prized possession was a magic mirror, which she used to confirm her sense of self-worth.
See Queen April watching TV.
"…Channel six, Eye-witness news, this is April O'Neil… Big Brother is watching you…"
Whenever she opened a shopping mall, went on parade, or oversaw the public executions of people who said she was past her prime, Queen April always got the greatest amount of screen time. And what she saw pleased her.
However, the mirror was drawn to beautiful things, and the princess, at 17 yrs of age was indeed nothing short of ravishing.
Mikey looks bashful, kicking at the edge of his skirt.
"Aaaawww. You're gonna make me blush."
Queen April lost it one day when a news bulletin aired that had nothing to do with her whatsoever. "… Today, out beloved princess Snow White has won first prize in the annual Eat-Pizza-Until-Your-Opponents-Explode Contest. Hello, Princess, how did something as delicate as you polish off 54 pizzas?"
"… BURP… Dude, there were only 53."
"She's so modest."
"THAT'S IT! The little bitch must die!" Queen April summoned her best huntsman. "Splinter! I demand that you take Snow White into the woods and kill her. Bring me back an internal organ or two of your choice. Princess is a delicacy."
Splinter, relieved to have only a small part in this fan fiction, hurried to get it over with. "Come Snow White, we are going for pizza."
Once in the woods, Splinter sent the princess on her way. "Do not come back to the palace or Queen April will surely make you take lessons on deportment and etiquette!" Horrified at the prospect, Snow White fled into the depths of the forest.
Splinter returned to the palace. "Here in this box my queen, I give you her brain and her heart." Opening the little Styrofoam container, he presents her with two different kinds of sushi.
"You have done well!"
Splinter vanished happily from the plot.
Meanwhile, in the woods Snow White stumbled upon an open manhole. "I smell pizza!" And with only her cute little tummy to guide her she descended into the forest sewers. She discovered a cozy abode beneath the woodland floor. Three plates sat on the table, three beds lined a wall, and three issues of Playboy were stacked on the coffee table. The pizza in the oven had fifteen minutes left on the timer, so the princess settled down on the sofa, "Righteous! I've not read this one yet…"
The pizza timer sounded, and seven angry dwarves suddenly surrounded Snow White. "We're with Local Dwarf Union #37! Fairytale law specifically prohibits the execution of this story without the inclusion of card-carrying state-certified dwarves!"
The lights go out. There are sounds of combat. The lights come back on. There's mangled dwarves on the floor. Some groan and twitch.
"Ninja Union #1! We can whup our weight in midgets!"
"That's DWARVES not midgets, you stupid amphibian!"
Raphael glares at the floor. CRACK!—Splatter--! "Reptile. Not amphibian." He wipes off his sai, and goes to get the pizza.
Donnie sits down on the sofa next to Mike. "So, that dress brings out the color of your eyes."
Leo crosses his arms, "Seriously Mike, why are YOU the princess?"
"It's not Mike, you can call me The Great WHITE, and it's cause no one can resist my charms." He flutters his eye-lids. Leo shudders.
Raphael throws the pizza down on the coffee table. "Charms? Whitey, I'm workin' real hard on resistin' hittin' you in your 'Charms,' but that's about it."
Donnie chuckled and snagged a piece of pizza. "So how do we advance the plot and get this horrible story over with?"
The princess begged that the ninjas allow her to stay with them. "I'll cook!"
"And eat us out of house and home."
"If you promise to clean too, you've got a deal."
"I hate cleaning."
"And yet, you're lovely even when you pout."
Meanwhile, back at the palace, Queen April interviews the sole surviving member of Local Dwarf Union #37. "…ninjas and the princess… god, the blood. the blood. BEWARE THE TURTLES! tuuurrtttlllesss…." He dies.
The Queen smiles until the cameras stop rolling, "THE PRINCESS! Some one clean the dwarf off my set. She's still alive! I shall be fiendishly clever and dispatch her forthwith."
In the secret lab beneath the palace, Queen April cackles maniacally. I have a mutagen which will allow me to consume 3 times my weight in pizza! I will challenge that little girl to an Eat-Pizza-Until-Your-Opponent-Explodes Contest! Only one will remain standing! It will be ME!"
The doorbell rings. "I'm here and I accept your challenge," said Snow White (aka The Great White.)
The Queen blinked. "That was fast."
"You'd be amazed at how far sound travels underground."
Queen April downed her mutagen and called for the royal pizza makers to ply their trade. "We will hold this contest in the grand hall -- with live TV coverage, of course." The princess nodded.
They sat at either end of an enormous banquet table and the contest began. The queen ate steadily, confident in her hidden mutation. Three times the princess seemed to falter, and yet three times she recovered. After 5 hours of eating, the Queen wiped her face and calmly exploded.
"YAAAAY!" The oppressed masses cheered their princess. Snow White stood up and bowed deeply, she then excused herself. In a back room, she found her brothers.
"So you dudes want a Mylanta or something?"
"I don't know how you can stand to wear these dresses, Mike. They itch." Leonardo squirmed under his taffeta.
"So full…" Raphael lay across the floor. "I'm sexy…"
Donatello stared straight ahead, "You were right, without the face masks, they couldn't tell us apart. We could all be beloved princesses forever."
Mikey winked, "Messed up, huh?"
Moral of the story: Green beats white any day.