Hello everyone!

This is a collaboration I actually did several months ago with my good friend and college buddy Ben, but I wasn't sure about posting it until now. He ( /AO3 username SilverPrince, tumblr username Johnegbertsarms) is largely responsible for any part of this fic you find funny, that is to say that he is brilliant and awesome and a TERRIFIC writer. I really hope you enjoy the crack fic we cranked out over the course of two nights back in March.

It spawned as the result of my saying that after the gloom of Ghosts in the Machine I wanted to write a fic where everyone gets drunk and kisses each other.


Everyone Gets Drunk and Kisses Each Other

by The Dashingly Beautiful Carth with The Rev. SilverPrince


It was a dark and stormy night. "So, uh, where's William?"

Odd was expecting a response, but no one gave him one. They'd just spent forty-five minutes discussing the Cortex and no one was really in the mood to talk anymore, except for Jeremie who was still talking.

"… so the sinusodial matrix was completely out of flux, and the metaspatial transfer protocol array…"

"Mhm," Aelita said. "So, where IS William? He said he'd be here half an hour ago."

"I got a text just now…" Yumi was lying on the floor next to Jeremie's bed, her legs in the air. Ulrich was trying his hardest not to look and, due to his great emotional repression skills, succeeding. "He says he took a detour and got us a surprise."

"I hope it's a frontal lobotomy," said Ulrich, his suspiciously small eyebrows furrowing for just a moment.

"That's not very nice…so anyway, the inner sanctum of the Cortex is-"

"Jeremie, stop talking for a second, I thought I heard something." Aelita raised a finger and Jeremie stopped dead in his tracks, looking self-conscious.

The room fell silent. The sound of distant traffic filled the air, and for a moment, there was peace.

…and then there was a knock at the door, followed by a voice they all knew. "Hello? Hello? Guys? Hey, not getting any older out here!"

"For Chrissakes, give us time to move!" Odd didn't immediately move - he waited for the knocking to get more violent before he finally got up and opened the door. "Hey, you're pretty la-"

He had to stop and stop himself from laughing when he saw the look on William's face. It looked for a moment as if William were having a sort of spasm, but it slowly dawned on the group that it was apparently what he looked like when he was actually happy. In his right hand was a strangely-shaped brown paper bag, on which was written in crude handwriting "BAG." He brandished it for a moment, raising his eyebrows and somehow grinning even more widely.

"Late?" he said. "Is that what you were going to say? Late?"

"Well, yeah," Jeremie said in his angriest voice - which was to say, his sassiest one. "I called you here like an hour ago, and if you're going to be a proper Lyoko Warrior-"

"Well, maybe when you hear what I was doing for my good friends…" William placed the BAG bag on the ground. "'Scuse me while I whip this out…"

Ulrich hurriedly covered his eyes. "OH JESUS PLEASE NO, NOT AGAIN," Jeremie cried, flailing his arms and quickly burying his face in his pillow. Yumi's jaw hit the floor, and Odd laughed so hard he could hardly stand. Aelita didn't flinch an inch - in fact, she just looked confused. "What…is that?"

"Oh, Aelita, Aelita, how little you know." Held proudly high in William's hands were two preposterously large bottles of wine, labeled "Le Freak" and "Chateau Schwasted," respectively. On the ground were two more bottles - one somewhat smaller, labeled "Rhum Barbancourt Estate Reserve," and another a garden-variety 2-liter of Coca-Cola.

"So it's not…" Jeremie removed the pillow. "Oh, no. No, no no no no no no."

"Wait, what's going on?" Ulrich removed one hand from his eyes, and what he saw made him remove both. "Wait, wait." His hilariously, mind-bogglingly small eyebrows furrowed even further. "William, those are the absolute worst wines in France. Like, I'm personally offended that they're in my presence, and I'm not even from here."

"And how do you know that, Mr. Fifteen-Year-Old-Rich-Boy?" William laughed, and set the bottles on the floor. "Look, it's a treat, okay? And this-" He held the rum aloft. "Do you know what I had to go through to get this out of Jim's sock drawer? Hint, Jim's socks."

"Okay, first of all - ew," Yumi said, making a show of sticking her tongue out. "Secondly, I don't even want to know why you felt the need to break into Jim's room anyway, seeing as how everyone knows you can get booze right out of Mr. Chardin's always unlocked office - hell, I'm pretty sure you can just ask him." She paused for a moment. "I… heard from a guy."

"Yumi, c'mon. Are you really gonna turn down free terrible wine and classy rum?" William pulled a stack of plastic cups from the BAG bag. "I went through all this trouble for my good friends, and you treat me like this?"

"I'm not complaining!" Odd practically fell over himself lunging for the Chateau Schwasted. "Ulrich, I hate to say this, but William, you are now my best friend. God, I haven't been this excited for booze ever since that time Heidi Klinger told me she might be pregnant."

William uncorked the vintage 2013 Schwasted and poured two cups, handing one to Odd and keeping the other for himself."Pleasure doing business with you, best friend," he said, beaming.

Odd winked at William and knocked the entire plastic cup back. Yumi stifled a giggle, while Ulrich's eyes went toward the rum. Aelita looked back and forth between the bottles and Odd with a confused look on her face. She wasn't entirely sure why these liquids had wrought such a change in her friends, but she wasn't going to sit there and not be sure. She happened to notice that Jeremie's expression was growing darker by the moment, so she turned to him. "Um…Jeremie…what's going on? I didn't think we were supposed to have alcohol at school, even if we were of legal age…"

"No, Aelita, no we aren't." Jeremie stood up, his hands on his hips. "Look, William, I've kept quiet until now, but that's only because I'm utterly shocked at what you're doing."

William's grin morphed into a frown. "Aw, look, I know it's really bad wine, but try to be a little open-minded here."

"No, that was only the first problem - are you completely out of your mind?" Jeremie stomped over to where William stood, nonchalantly sipping the Schwasted. "Stealing Jim's alcohol? Drinking at school?! What if he comes in? What if we make too much noise - what if one of us starts screaming about Lyoko or something? And Yumi - Yumi has to walk home! What if something happens? What if her parents catch her?"

"Jeremie, I'm sixteen too," Yumi said. "This isn't exactly new to me, I think I'll be fine, and excuse me? My parents catching me? Yes, Jeremie, because I NEVER sneak out late at night for ANY reason." She pointed in the direction of the program Jeremie had open on his screen.

Jeremie paused for a moment, incredulous. "HWHAT?" Insubordination from his minions was completely unheard of. He would be sure to arrange for an "accidental" virtualization directly into the digital sea. Not like Yumi didn't fall in half the time anyway. "This is completely ridiculous. I can't believe any of you."

"Jeremie, I don't say this very often to people, given that I'm me, but… you need to lighten up," Ulrich said, crossing his arms. "I mean, don't join us if you don't want to…" He stood up. "But I for one - and I think everyone here will agree - think I need a drink." He stepped over and untwisted the cap on the unbelievably cheap bottle of Le Freak. "Wow, this doesn't even remotely smell like anything that isn't turpentine." He grinned as he poured his cup.

"Yeah, I mean, you're probably a lightweight anyway, Jeremie," Odd said, not even lifting his mouth from his second cup. The entire room burst into chuckles, save Jeremie, who was incensed, and Aelita, who still looked vaguely confused.

"So, I don't know who to believe here," she said. "Jeremie seems to think this is going to ruin everything while the rest of you look like Christmas came early."

"Christmas, your birthday, your father back from the dead…" Odd held a hand up to his mouth and laughed far more loudly than he usually did as Aelita froze in shock. "Oh my GOD, did I really just say that? I am SO sorry, Aelita, please don't kill me, oh god…"

"See, Aelita? That's what alcohol does to you. It makes you even more of a blithering idiot - Odd, I mean, not you." He walked back and put a protective hand on Aelita's shoulder. "I don't care whether I'm a lightweight or not. I'm not drinking, and neither are you."

"Well, I'm willing to take your word for it," Aelita said. "But Odd and William seem to be fine…"

"See? Aelita knows what's up. I love you, Aelita, you're the only one here with any brains." Odd took a break from the conversation to finish telling a scatological joke to William, at which he laughed uproariously. "So, you have a choice. You can sit with Jeremie and be a worrywart, or you can have like one drink and loosen up."

"Or two…or four…" William was still choking on his own laughter.

Jeremie narrowed his eyes. "Watch it, Odd. I don't think I like your tone with my girlfriend."

"Tell you what, Einstein," Odd said with a sly grin. "I'll shut up if you have a drink."

"I- god. FINE. One of these days, Odd, one of these days…" Jeremie grabbed the closest bottle - the rum - and poured a glass about as full as the others' wine cups. "Look, I'll have ONE drink, okay? One drink, same as at home. Like you said, it won't hurt me."

"Jeremie, that thing you're about to do is REALLY stupid," Yumi said, but it was too late - Jeremie had drained the glass in one gulp. William's jaw hit the floor -whether in shock or delight, no one could really tell.

For a moment, Jeremie looked almost alright, but then five shots of rum, the first drink he'd ever had that wasn't wine with dinner, hit his throat all at once. The blonde boy fell to the ground, clutching at his neck, trying to cough but unable to actually produce any kind of sound.

"JEREMIE!" Aelita rushed to Jeremie's side, not knowing what to do but having the vague notion that her presence would help. "Wait- you said he'd be fine!"

"Yeah…but…" William was practically crying, he was laughing so hard. "I'm sorry…but…man…oh GOD…Jesus BUTT…" He fell back into Odd's arms, the two of them laughing.

"Wine and rum aren't exactly the same thing, Aelita," Ulrich, who was relatively more sober than William, said. "Rum's…well, a skosh of that is the same as a cup of this."

Aelita let out a shriek. Jeremie's legs flailed in the air and his eyes practically popped out of their sockets, and for one horrifyingly long moment, the Lyoko Warriors wondered if they might have to bury a body that night. That time they had killed the first Sam flashed before their eyes once more, but they all quickly quashed the thought. There had always been one Sam. Samantha Suarez, yes. She wears a fedora.

Thankfully, Jeremie lived, although for a moment, Aelita had begun to have hope. She sighed when Jeremie got up again, but it could have been of relief or of resignation to a terrible fate. "Are you alright?" Aelita placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Fine," the boy wheezed, swaying slightly side to side before falling back into his chair. "I'm…oh god, my head…mmmrnhhh…"

"Are you feeling better, Jeremie?" Yumi set her drink down and leaned forward in her seat, a look of concern crossing her face. "Think you can form full sentences?"

Jeremie mumbled something, then chuckled at himself. It started off low, but soon his entire body was wracked with laughter.

"What? What's so funny? I wanna know!" William, well into his third drink at this point, leapt up - sloshing a little wine in the process - and ran over to Jeremie, leaning close. "You can tell me."

"Ssnnnhhh," Jeremie said, before bursting into laughter again.

"What? I don't get it," said William. "Try one more time, I know you can do it." Over by his fourth drink, Odd began clapping and chanting. "Speak! Speak! Speak-"

"SUPERNUCLEAR!" Jeremie shouted, leaping up from his chair and promptly stumbling back over. He knocked William flat on his back, spilling wine all over.

"Well, now I'm all covered in wine," William said. "Guess… guess I'll just have to take off this shirt then." He grinned devilishly and sat up, placing his hands at the hem of his shirt. "I could use a little ambiance."

Odd finished the last dregs of his fourth cup and began to beatbox. William swayed side to side, attempting to stay on beat but not succeeding, and slowly began to pull up his shirt. It went well for him until it got caught on his head. "God…fucking…damn…why do we have such enormous fucking heads?" It took three tugs before William could get the shirt over his head. "Well, what do you all think?"

"I think you're gorgeous," Odd said, although he wasn't looking up from pouring his next drink. "I mean, I think you're all gorgeous, mmmmm…."

"Oh my god," Yumi said, looking more horrified than entertained. "This…this isn't happening."

"Yes…unfortunately, yes it is." Ulrich, still sober enough to know things going downhill when they saw them, looked at Yumi. "I…think I'm feeling a glass of rum. Or maybe two."

"Yeah…I think I should do that too, before I give up walk out of here." Yumi was about to stand up, but then she noticed Aelita, still sitting in the computer chair and looking vaguely bewildered. "Uh…do you want a drink, Aelita?"

"I think I'll pass for now," Aelita said. "I'm having plenty of fun just watching all of you." She smiled an uneasy smile as William danced back to the Schwasted and her boyfriend giggled to himself.

"Alright, just don't worry if you change your mind." Ulrich and Yumi headed for the bottles, casually mixing a shot and a half of rum with a large amount of Coke.

Jeremie, who had been chuckling quietly to himself for the past few minutes, finally stopped to speak. "William," he said thickly. "William. Hey. Come back over here."

William almost slid over to Jeremie and put his bare arm around his shoulder, the same grin still plastered on his face. "Yes, mon capitan?"

"William," Jeremie announced loudly, whipping off his glasses. "I like your chest, I've decided. It's a nice chest. Has anyone ever told you that? They should. Congratulations on your chest, and fuck, I can't see your chest." He put his glasses back on. "Oh shit, there it is."

William blushed - which was saying something, given the wine had already significantly pinkened his cheeks. "Awww, thanks! I… well, I don't recall ever really seeing your chest, but I'm sure it's great too."

Aelita resisted the urge to shake her head. Something in the back of her mind told her to be concerned, but Odd's words held her back. Jeremie didn't seem to be in pain anymore, and it wasa pretty nice chest William had - thicker and more muscular than Jeremie's in any case. If they were having fun, what was the harm…? Still, though, she found it easier to look at Ulrich and Yumi, who were sitting on the bed, talking calmly, or at Odd, who was singing a very loud, very rude song. It wasn't the alcohol, she told herself. It was just them.

But then William and Jeremie looked at each other for a moment, and if they were not both well under the haze of alcohol, it might have been in a meaningful way. They swayed in sync, side to side, saying nothing, but speaking volumes in their gazes.

"Jeremie," William began, reaching up to Jeremie's face. "Has anyone ever told you…" William slid Jeremie's glasses down his nose and off his face, setting them aside. "You have such beautiful eyes?" William's hand moved back up to brush a lock of hair away from the eyes he was so enamored with. "I mean, really, I could plaster the school with love letters about just your eyes. I totally fuckin' would. I've done it before."

"William, I…" If Jeremie had intended to finish his sentence, he didn't get a chance to. William's lips pressed against his, and if they had not been absolutely sloshed, perhaps they might have managed to actually sustain a kiss. In truth, they both sort of held their lips together and moved their faces a bit for a few seconds. William ran a hand through Jeremie's hair, and Jeremie sort of slid his hand up and down William's bare chest.

Aelita's jaw hit the floor, more so when she realized that not only had no one noticed, no one was caring. "Uh…" she said, but no one heard. "UHHHHH…"

"Aelita, what - HOLY JESUS!" Ulrich yelled and ran up onto Jeremie's bed. "Are you SERIOUS? Yumi, look-"

"Look at what - OH MY GOD!" Yumi sputtered her rum and Coke, laughing harder than she'd ever laughed in her life. "Is this real life? Is this REALLY happening?"

"I have the weirdest boner right now," Odd said, looking down into his lap. "Well, only slightly more weird than when Heidi Klinger told me she might be pregnant, but still." He took another gulp of wine. "And the night is still young." He winked at Ulrich.

Ulrich blushed, but didn't show any other signs of letting his guard down. "Odd," he said… "I think that's enough-"

"Hey, Jeraboobam!" Odd sauntered over to where Jeremie and William were now furiously banging their heads together. He fell in between them, putting his arm around Jeremie and pulling William's hand out from under his shirt. "Getting kinda evil I see, evil as evil can be?"

"Not as evil as I COULD be." Jeremie forgot all about William and grinned at the new meat that had been placed in front of him. "I this what it's like to be you, just, like, everyone beautiful ALL the time?"

"Well, it's similar, except you're taller," Odd said, moving his leg up against Jeremie's.

"God, Odd, try a little harder why don't you?" William put a hand on Odd's face and pushed him away. "Back off my man, I had him first." He kept pushing, so much so that the pushing fell down across Odd's back.

"Now, gentleboymen, I just, I, just had the GREATEST idea." Odd took a moment to suck on his finger, humming to himself, before continuing. "If you kiss me at the same time, no one can be jealous!"

Jeremie and William hummed very loudly, and before you could say "wait a minute WHAT?", which was exactly what was on Aelita's mind as she hadn't quite accepted that what she was seeing was real life, Jeremie and William were indeed trying to kiss Odd at the same time and getting a whole lot of slobber all over the place in the process.

It was at that moment that the reality of the situation finally hit Aelita - and it only took so long because it was tearing her world apart. Jeremie, the boy that had loved her from the moment he'd laid eyes on her, that had carried her out of Lyoko, that had promised to fight for her every day of his life, that HAD fought for her, that froze whenever she kissed him…it was the alcohol. It HAD to be the alcohol. It was an accident, a complete accident. That, and it was William and Odd. When they sobered up, she'd have to have a talk with them. With her fists if need be.

"Guys, I'm…really scared," Aelita said, looking over at Ulrich and Yumi. To her surprise, they were not nearly as shocked as she was - in fact, they looked rather amused. "Guys…what…is…"

"So," Yumi said, nonchalantly disregarding Aelita, "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life." She poured herself another drink from the Le Freak, which had been moved to the bed. "Aelita, you should have one too." She poured a second drink without waiting for Aelita to respond. "Really. You're gonna need it."

Aelita made an immediate connection between Yumi's calm, accepting state and the wine she was holding. She was a smart girl - smart enough to know she had to preserve her own sanity, smart enough that when she woke up in the morning this would all be but a nightmare. "Yes, yes I am."

Yumi handed her the cup of wine, smiling. "Some day, when you're married and have three kids with Jeremie or whatever the hell, we're all gonna laugh about this," she said. "In the meantime, let's just roll with it. Cheers." She raised her cup.

Aelita raised her own cup. "To getting married or whatever the hell," she said. "Or, really, just to forgetting this ever happened."

Yumi winked and giggled, which struck Aelita as rather odd, but she wasn't going to make judgements until there was wine in her throat. She tried to down it like she'd seen the others do, but the taste was so off-putting that she gagged halfway through. Still, she was determined, and she looked into her cup to keep her eyes off the idiots rolling on the floor.

When she was done, she looked around. Nothing felt different, and she still felt horrible. "I don't think it's working."

"Well, no, you did only have one cup - Ulrich, sweetie, I'm working here."

Yumi gently shoved Ulrich, who was leaning listlessly on her shoulder, onto Jeremie's pillow. "Yumi, I'm sorry, I wanna go home, I'm sorry," he moaned, but Yumi merely shooshed him, kissed him on the forehead, and poured both herself and Aelita another round.

(Meanwhile, Sissi Delmas sat trapped in Herve's room, unable to escape from the seventh round of Scrabble that night. "K-I-L-L M-E," she spelled on the board, only to be admonished that only single words could be used. Herve had rules - they separated man from the beasts, and the French from everyone else.)

Odd pulled his face away from the writhing mass of drunk, heterosexual male that had formed on Jeremie's floor. "Okay," he said. "Let's take…a moment…to drinkshome more." A series of happy drunken moans indicated Jeremie and William's approval of the idea. Odd reached for the booze… only to find that it was gone. Only the cold, judgemental Coca-Cola remained.

"Wh… where… why… POR QUOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII," Odd shouted to the skies, but the French Gods were unforgiving, and said nothing. There was no more alcohol. "But why is the rum gone?"

"Ulrich finished it off," Yumi said. "The poor guy had to do something to drown his sulking, am I right?" The German pulled himself back onto her shoulder and began incoherently sobbing about his dad. Words like "Why don't you love me?" could be made out, but no one wanted to understand them.

"Oh maaan, Ulrich, noooooo!" Odd hobbled over to where Ulrich was, pulling him off Yumi and into his lap. "It's okaaay, don't cry, c'mon, it's all your fault, you drank ALL my fucking rum…"

"I haaaaaaate you," Ulrich wailed, but even this did not stop Odd. He shouted at Ulrich, as Yumi scooted down the bed, closer to Aelita. A grin on her face, she pulled a bottle of wine out from behind her back and winked. "Shhhhh," she whispered.

"Hmmmm, okay," Aelita said, grinning. She was about halfway through her second cup, and on a whim she drank the whole thing. Things were beginning to change now - she wasn't feeling nearly as tense, and while she didn't seem to be having too many thoughts the ones she was having were nice. It was clear, very clear, that all the kissing Jeremie and Odd and William was doing was all in good fun, right? In fact, it was even…

She looked over at the floor, where William and Jeremie lay making fart noises into each others' arms and giggling and squeezing each others' butts, then at the bed, where Odd and Ulrich were still yelling, then at Yumi, who was drinking at a bit of a faster rate than before. Aelita decided that one of the options was better than the others. "So," she said - but her voice seemed to be slower than it should be. "This is…uh…this is…new."

Yumi winked. "Not bad, right? I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to be… that." Yumi nodded in the direction of William and Jeremie, who now appeared to be attempting to see who could grab the other's butt the longest. It was a stalemate; neither were letting go. "Just let it fill you up and lift your spirits."

Aelita took a deep breath. It didn't do much to dispel the haze that was settling around her, but she did feel a little lifted. Her skin tingled with more than a little excitement. Yumi did look awfully cute when she winked…wait, where had that come from? It went as soon as it came…and somehow, she wanted it back.

"I think I'm ready for one more," she said.

"You sure?" Yumi was very good at keeping at least some mental faculty, Aelita thought.

"Yes," Aelita said. "Yes, I think I'm sure."

Before Yumi could grab her one, however, Odd dropped Ulrich on Jeremie's pillow and leapt into Aelita's lap without warning. "Heeeeeeeey," he slurred. "What's goin' on over here with you two fine pieces of lady?"

"Uh…" Aelita noticed that Yumi was keeping a sharp eye on Odd's hands - and also on his pants. "Hi. We're…good?"

"Let me tell you something - let me, tell you something." Odd turned over in Aelita's lap, moving himself closer to Aelita's face. "Aelita. Let me tell you it."

"Tell me the thing already."

"Your fuckin' boyfriend, okay. Your fuckin' boyfriend."

Kissed you - but then the thought was gone. "What about…Jeremie?"

"Your boyfriend kisses like a fuckin' weasel."

"…Is that good or bad?" Aelita didn't actually know, and Odd didn't actually answer. He laughed and laughed, then drooped down onto Aelita's shoulder. "So…waddya think of weasels? You like weasels? I think I like weasels, you like weasels? Think we can…talk bout some…" His fingers began moving across her shoulders. "Weasels…"

"Uh, yeah, okay," said Yumi, her voice icy steel. "No." She grabbed Odd by the scruff of his collar and half-pulled, half-flung him away from Aelita and onto the floor. Odd slumped down until he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. He seemed not to realize he had moved; he wrapped his arm around William next to him and continued to ask Aelita what she thought about weasels. Ulrich had just noticed he had no one to hug and hugged Jeremie's pillow, sobbing loudly.

"Wow…thank you," Aelita said. "That was very nice of you."

"Anything for you, Aelita. Anything for you." Yumi handed her the third cup of wine. "To the Lyoko Warriors?"

Aelita took the plastic cup, and clinked it against Yumi's. "To us, the only ones that aren't on the floor right now." For Ulrich had just fallen on top of Odd again.

She drained the third cup, and before she knew it she was drinking a fourth. At this point the Le Freak was near gone, and lay discarded by Jeremie's pillow. Jeremie himself was talking loudly about quantum matrices and the things he'd do with them to XANA if he ever got the chance. He'd come full circle. Odd was listening with rapt attention. while William was leaning on the bed, softly cuddling Ulrich and trying to comfort him with slurred, incoherent phrases and sloppy kissing.

"All I'm saying is… wait, what was I saying?" Aelita collapsed into a fit of giggles, laying next to Yumi on the bed. Their heads were inches from each other on the pillow, and Aelita could practically feel the warmth from the blush on Yumi's cheeks.

"I think it was something about… I dunno either," Yumi said. "Aelita, has anyone ever told you you have the greenest eyes?"

"Eyetalkin'?" Aelita began to blush almost as much as Yumi. "You're sweet."

There was a heartbeat's silence between the two delightfully drunken girls. "Y'know," Yumi whispered. "I don' think the boyus should have all the fun…"

Aelita smirked. "Me either…wait, waddya mean?"

Yumi abruptly sat up and said, perhaps too loudly, "Oh, Aelita, I just can't take it anymore!" She leapt up and grabbed Aelita, pulling her up with her. "You're just too enticing!"

Every boy in the room immediately halted their incoherent rambling and looked up, substituting incoherent yelling. Jaws hit the floor. They looked to each other, to the girls, and to each other again, as if they were unsure that this could possibly be happening.

"Oooooh, Ms. Ishiyama," Aelita crooned, "Take me! I simply must be yours!" she stumbled slightly, giggling with glee, but Yumi held her steady. She pulled Aelita close, her hand around her waist, and…

It was nothing like weasels, and nothing like Jeremie. The wine and the kisses and the Yumi and everything…Aelita couldn't hold back. First there was kissing, and then it seemed like it was more than kissing, and then the yells of the boys created a perfect, spiraling whirlwind from which she could never hope to escape…not that she would ever want to, of course…

Alas, it seemed all too short a time before…

Knock knock knock. "Hello? Hello? I heard you guys making noises, are you doing something without me?"

The voice was unmistakable, not to mention high-pitched, prim, and unspeakably intolerable. Laura Gauthier. Upon hearing it, Aelita was about to yell something - though she was not entirely sure what yet, or how when she was still sucking face with Yumi. But William, who now sat slumped against the wall, flung his arm at the door handle until the door opened, and Laura stepped in.

What she saw was as follows:

Exhibit A. Odd and Ulrich slumped over each other on the floor, both in tears and both clutching one of Jeremie's pillows, which Odd was absently scribbling on in pink highlighter.

Exhibit B. Jeremie atop his dresser - somehow - with a lampshade over his head. He swayed from side to side, holding a bottle of her father's favorite rum and moaning loudly about how the puny American CIA could never hope to stop him.

Exhibit C. Lesbians. Rather, Aelita and Yumi, who hadn't stopped kissing.

Exhibit D. William next to her, leaning on the wall, holding an empty bottle of Chateau Schwasted, a grape-flavored alcohol product that was legally prohibited from being marketed as wine and was in fact illegal in several provinces for being too terrible. He was shirtless, and his skin appeared to be covered in obscene drawings made in pink highlighter.

They all noticed her at the same time, and her entry was likely the only thing that could have broken Aelita and Yumi free from each other.

Jeremie fell from his dresser and crashed into a pile of clothing. "LAURA!" he yelled very loudly. "FUCKIN' LAURA, MOTHERFUCKIN' FUCKIN' LAURA."

"Hello, Jeremie," Laura said, looking at him sideways. "Aren't we…not of age to be drinking?"

"Aren't we a fucking BITCH?" Jeremie shouted, though he was muffled by the pile of clothing he was face-down in.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're a fuckin' bitch," Ulrich slurred, looking up from Odd for a moment, then returning to his pillow.

"Don' listen to em, baby!" Odd pumped his fist into the air. "Laura, I love you! C'mere, wanna hear about rodents?" William muttered something unintelligible and offered her the Schwasted, which was empty.

"Aw, fuck that noise!" Yumi sashayed over to where Laura stood, pulling Aelita over with her. "Hey, Laura, ever kissed a girl? Or a boy? Whatever?"

"No," she said simply, wrinkling her nose. She opened her mouth as if to say something more, but she was cut off.

"Hey Jeremie, you should go kiss her," Aelita said, with only the vaguest notion that this wasn't what she wanted at all. "I mean, you kiss like a weasel, Laura is a weasel… it all works out."

Laura's eyes went open. "Okay, so, um…" She stepped back into the doorframe. "I…gotta head to bed. See you in the morning, everyone…oh god." She took three steps back, then turned and bolted as fast as gracefully possible. But as she ran, her heart pounded.

Someday… someday she would kiss Jeremie Belpois. They would make the smartest babies in all of Europe, and live happily ever after.

And she did like weasels.


And that was that, but not quite yet.

Jeremie woke up 30 hours later from under a pile of clothing with no memory of anything before he'd opened the rum, a mustache drawn on his lip and various unspeakable drawings on his chest. Statistical analysis would later determine that he had lost 2% of his neurons and 13% of the surface of his trachea. And from that point onward, for some reason, he couldn't look at William Dunbar without feeling vaugely uncomfortable. He also developed a phobia of weasels. He swore he'd never drink again.

Odd woke up like he did most mornings, save the usual pregnancy scare. Ulrich and William both heartily assured him they were not pregnant. He never could get the smell of cheap wine out of his hair.

Ulrich was so ashamed of his freakout he couldn't look anyone in the eye for a week, not even people that weren't there. Everyone just kind of thought this behavior was ridiculous, but they let him ride it out on his own. Yumi tried to help but for some reason Ulrich didn't feel too receptive.

William woke up feeling as though somehow he had expressed his innermost heartfelt desires. It was strange, seeing as how he hadn't appeared to plaster any love letters anywhere, and he didn't know how to express emotion without them. He tried to suggest doing it again next week, but Jeremie gave him such a look that William refused to touch another drop of alcohol for the next thirty years. William Dunbar would later be elected President of France.

Yumi was one of the few people to remember the entire night. She revealed it to no one, but wrote it in a diary that she promptly set on fire. She scattered the ashes into the sewer and prayed the memories would vanish. They never did.

Aelita shouldn't have passed out, but her tolerance was so low that she did. She seems to remember that she had fun, but none of the details. She still couldn't explain how she felt whenever she looked at any of her friends. Somehow she just had the strongest urge to…kiss them all. Sometimes she wakes up at night screaming about weasels.

Laura wanted more than anything to be accepted. But not like that. Oh no. She is disturbed to this day.

Jim never noticed the rum was gone. Strictly teetotal on account of his job - that and that one night he was kicked out of Ibiza - he'd never actually touched the $60 rum his nephew had bought for him and had in fact forgotten it was there. He'd had a vague idea of using it to entertain guests. He'd had none.


I hope you enjoyed that!

- Carth and SilverPrince