before you read this: whatever I do mention here is not supposed to bring offence to anyone that I know, okay? the thing about every disorder is that they are different and fitted to that person. here is a very shallow, very mindless overview of that in a sense that i'm taking Blaine as a subject for HPD. not claiming that all of them are like this. especially in terms of any kind of mental disorder, no case is parallel to the same one. you see a bit of denial, admittance, and also a bit of speculation. HPD in the end is a personality disorder, and I wanted to go around this in the most lightest way. i'll explain more in the recap downwards. but if this offends you, then please turn. this contains a shallow illustration of HPD, obvious perfectionism, plastic surgery, body image issues, Kadam and Klaine, and may possibly be triggering.
Kurt Hummel would never forget stepping into the darkly lit room of which he had to follow Joseph Anderson to. The lights were switched on, and the room was suddenly bright – too bright for Kurt's eyes. The brunette nearly flinched at the sudden brightness that evaded the room, but had eventually adjusted towards it. By then, the business man that wore a pressed navy blue suit along with a pinstriped tie seemed to stand by the kettle, and the coffee pot. As predicted, the man had poured down some coffee into a cup. He looked very concentrated on such a menial task, and his blue eyes seemed to be incredibly stern.
He placed his cup on the counter, before pointing towards the kettle and the pot, and Kurt had nodded his head before stating.
"Coffee," he explained. The man had picked up a white mug from the counter, and Kurt was watching the actions as if they were a suspenseful movie per say, as he felt uncomfortable for the reasons of why Joseph had called him over. From the little that Kurt knew about Blaine's family, Blaine lived with his Mother for most of the time and very rarely saw his Father, but his Father was in Blaine and Maria's house now for reasons that Kurt didn't know. He apparently wanted to speak to the brunette, and this can go terribly wrong or terribly right.
The coffee was given to him black, and the man offered milk and sugar, of which Kurt took, particularly because he wanted to stall time more so. He didn't know what this man wanted of him. As far as Kurt was concerned, Joseph knew as much about Kurt as the young brunette knew about the businessman, small basic facts that amounted to nothing.
"Is it nice?" Joseph asked before Kurt can take a sip.
Kurt took that sip. The coffee was scalding hot, but he found himself mutely nodded his head, attempting to ignore the sweltering ache that had formed in his throat. He was suddenly very aware of his environment, and his ears were waiting for the man to say a word.
Joseph stirred in the sugar in his coffee, before asking, "Blaine and you went shopping. Was it nice?"
Kurt slowly nodded his head, not sure how to respond to this, and if there was a wrong response to it. "Yes, sir," he found himself beginning. "It was nice."
"What did he buy?" Joseph asked, as he kept on stirring the sugar, clinking the porcelain mug with the silvery spoon every half of a second.
Kurt tried to remember, but his memory was vague. "I'm not sure, sir," he finally announced, not sure how vital it was for Kurt to remember the colour of Blaine's loafers, or his cardigan, or how soft or rough the fabric was.
Joseph nodded his head very slowly, and then the order that fled his mouth was very soft but also clung towards too much authority. "Sit down, Kurt."
Kurt sat down, shocked to hear the male address him by his first name. He wasn't sure what that meant. He moved the chair a little into the table, and the man joined him on the opposite end. Kurt's eyes had wandered off towards the clock that laid just above the old, painted door. Its sound was suddenly unbearable, as precious time tickled away. He heard the sound of the sip that Joseph made, and in all honesty, it started Kurt whom was far too concentrated on the clock.
"Is that short for anything?" Joseph suddenly asked, and Kurt wasn't sure what he was talking about. "Kurt – is it short for anything?"
Kurt shook his head. "No, that is my full name," he responded, rubbing his neck. The wait was devastating, and the man didn't seem to want to get to the point. Kurt had analysed the situation at hand – if the man did not want to tell him what he truly wanted to talk about, it must be either a heavy subject that the elder man wouldn't want to divulge into immediately.
Kurt's suspicions were confirmed when Joseph cleared h is throat and began to speak again. "It's Blaine. He…isn't what you think he is."
Kurt raised an eyebrow. He thought that the statement may be accurate, but the man still had no right to say that since as far as the brunette knew, the businessman had no idea what he thought of Blaine. You make it obvious though, Kurt's inner voice had concluded. You were so smitten with him you might reenact the Notebook at some point in your lives. The thought made Kurt flush slightly, as Kurt had actually used that statement just before the school year had ended.
"No offence to you, Mr Anderson," Kurt began, trying not to sound overconfident – one of his worst weaknesses sometimes, 'but you aren't aware of how I see Blaine. I may either be horribly smitten with him still after the break-up, I may loathe him at this current moment in time, or I may just be indifferent to whatever happens to him."
Joseph chuckled under his breath. "Mr Hummel," he addressed Kurt with a smile that the brunette couldn't read. "I never questioned you about your feelings for my son now, did I? My statement only implied that what you may think about him – it's terrible wrong. I was more so referring to his characters, his identity…personality if you must."
Kurt slowly nodded his head, taking this in. His cheeks coloured slightly, because as far as he was concerned, the man was right. He took a sip of the coffee to quell the uneasiness that suddenly settled with the young brunette. "What's wrong with his personality?"
"If you were to describe Blaine," the man began, with a raise of his eyebrow. "How would you describe him?"
Kurt thought about this for a few moments before pursing his lips far too tightly for him. He was thinking. "Bubbly, persuasive, loving, caring, easily hurt, easily comforted, keeps to himself quite a bit – why?"
Joseph decided not to answer Kurt's question and instead, pulled out a slip of paper from what was out of nowhere to Kurt, along with a pencil. "Write them down," he ordered.
Kurt felt at a loss for it, as he wrote down the qualities. He squinted, wondering if he was missing something but sure he'd crossed them all. He doubted Joseph wanted a step by step analysis of Blaine's qualities, just those few that he listed that seemed far too obvious to Kurt.
When Joseph saw the list, all he can do was raise his eyebrow before striking through some qualities that Kurt had thought explained Blaine perfectly. Things such as loving, caring, easily comforted, and keeping to himself. Now, Kurt was left with a description of Blaine as easily hurt, persuasive, and bubbly. It just lacked all of what he knew Blaine was.
Joseph pulled out another sheet of paper, this time it was freshly printed, along with another sheet of paper. Kurt stared at both titles. One of them was a copy of the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and the other one a criteria for histrionic personality disorder.
Kurt's statement was firm and certain when he finally said what he said. "Blaine isn't either of them."
"We'll see about that," Joseph asked, raising an eyebrow. "When did you meet Blaine?"
"When he was in Dalton," Kurt tried to explain, taking a deep breath. "He told me to switch schools, because he thought it would help me with bullying. He told me about his past experiences with bullying and thought that he had the solution for me. He told me about the Sadie Hawkins dance at that point as well."
Kurt knew a part of him was just ensuring how loving and caring Blaine was, how compassionate his character was, and how beautiful that was. He was not in denial. He just did not see Blaine in those horrendous characteristics that seemed to be prevalent in both disorders. All he can see was Rachel for the histrionic and Sebastian for the narcissistic. He did not see his Blaine in either of those.
Joseph raised an eyebrow, before a small overconfident smile rested on his lips. "How are his Warbler friends around him? They've been around the household a few times when I was around, so I do know how they act around Blaine in particular."
"They idiolise him," Kurt admitted, before raising an eyebrow. "They are charmed by him. They love him. They see him as a leader. They love to pay attention to him. They love to pay attention to what he says, and what he wants."
Joseph nodded his head ever so slowly. "Doesn't it seem strange that people just seem to idiolise Blaine? Not just the Warblers, mind you, but isn't your school – known for bullying inadequate people – seem to dodge harming Blaine? Do people see Blaine as an exception? Speculate it."
Kurt slowly nodded his head, and thought to speculate, only for him to purse his lips too tightly as he speculated that thought. "Well, Blaine has never been bullied at my school and he's never hid the fact that he was my boyfriend. As I think about it now, the last time we've accepted someone from another school – it was Jesse St James, and well, it did not go well in particular but Blaine was accepted far too easily, without much confliction on anyone's end other than my stepbrother. Then again, Blaine and Finn did patch up things again…I don't know. I am aware that people seem to be more lenient towards Blaine, and seem to see him as something worthy of an idol. Rachel went after him. Sebastian went after him. Even my not gay stepbrother, had confessed to me that the reasons he's been so off about Blaine from before was because he felt threatened by Blaine's charm."
Kurt seemed to shut his eyes, and then shook his head. "This doesn't mean anything," he finally decided.
Joseph raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" he asked, but Kurt was reluctant to believe it. The more he thought about it, the more he saw how easily accepted Blaine was. He remembered that Tina was mentioning that the new Warblers' leader, Hunter Clarington, also wanted Blaine back. Tina wanted him. The Warblers seemed to be deeply fascinated with Blaine to the point where they seemed to want to do anything to get Blaine back. Such a fixation had to be provoked by something then?
"He had to get his way some way," Joseph said, and Kurt instantly looked at the criteria for both disorders. He could find nothing, and had given up. He'd offered the pencil to Joseph, and he'd marked towards the histrionic criteria, circulating the criteria that suggested that Blaine had gotten his way through seductive or provocative behaviour. Kurt raised an eyebrow. "What is the point of seducing someone?"
"To get what you want," Kurt finally announced, feeling a little dull. He can never see Blaine as seductive or provocative.
"Blaine does not seduce, but he does charm people in order to get what he wants – he's very subtle I'd say," Joseph explained, and Kurt fitted the man's words into what he knew about Blaine. Blaine did have a rather charming quality about him, nearly too charming sometimes. He knew that nobody could quite hate Blaine because he just seemed so innocent. He couldn't fairly keep that innocence if he acted more-so seductive like Sebastian, but oh, he was enchanting – what with those lovely, sparkling eyes, that beautiful pinkness in his lips, and that enthusiasm in that body.
"Continue, please," Kurt didn't have a proper opinion on what the man had just told him. It sounded wrong, but at the same time, it sounded right. He needed more insight on this. He needed to see if Blaine fit any more of either criteria, and now, Kurt wandered off towards them, actually analysing them. "As per being uncomfortable in situations where he isn't the centre of attention, I think that this may be true. Blaine has to make a spectacle of himself, wherever he is. At Dalton, he was the lead, and thus, automatically the centre of attention. In McKinley, it seems I go there just to watch him perform half the time. I do know that he doesn't do anything to stop himself from being the centre of attention."
Kurt shook his head. "I'm not instituting that I think that Blaine is either of these things. I'm just speculating the fact that Blaine may have some of this criteria, or most, or even all of it to some extent. I'm just trying to paint a picture towards myself."
"Please do," Joseph pushed the paper closer to Kurt so that he was staring at the criteria better for the histrionic part of it.
Kurt thought about what was in front of him for a few moments before he associated it with Blaine. "I do know Blaine considers relationships more intimate than they are. He went on two coffee dates with this one guy that worked at Gap before he decided that he loved him enough to serenade him and to marry him. He also seems to show this pattern all the time. Chandler texted me a few times, and he immediately assumed that our relationships was more intimate than it was. All it took for him was a Facebook chat with this guy for him to have sex with him – sorry, Mr Anderson, I'm sure you know some variant of that story however judging by the lack of experience on your face."
Then he thought of them, the biggest relationship. "When he and I were together, he kind of fooled me into thinking we'd be together forever. I've heard that his state after the break-up was terrible, but I couldn't do anything. I thought…that if I maintained the smallest amount of contact with him, he'd forget about me. He wanted to marry me. He told me to marry him, and I…" Kurt shook his head, pursing his lips too tightly. "I said no. What else could I say? We drifted apart after that, but I still hear about how he's still hung up on me. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. Forgive me for stating it, Mr Anderson, but I hardly doubt that Blaine and I can rekindle anything together."
Joseph bobbled his head in acceptance and offered a smile. Kurt looked back down at the criteria. "As for Blaine being easily influenced…yes, I know this from our relationship. I did sort of pressure him into changing schools, and yes, he is just that easily influenced by others. I am aware that Cooper had influenced him greatly even at Blaine's young age, and the Sadie Hawkins dance. I believe that he's too easily influenced by others, that he can be tugged at without really knowing. And as for Blaine over exaggerating his emotions and being theatrical…"
He shut his eyes. The first image that came to Kurt's mind was Rachel, not Blaine, but the closer he looked, the more he can see it in Blaine too. "He refused to go to prom with me because of the no hair-gel rule. When he found out about Chandler, he took it way too seriously and had been very overdramatic about it because he brought it towards the entire choir room. I'm still…exceptionally angry and humiliated when I remember that actually. I can recall a handful of times this had happened. I always pinned it on the Warbler council, however – they don't…actually make things any less dramatic."
Kurt's mind was still wandering, and he was still analysing. "As for the fact that Blaine's speech lacks detail and is impressionistic, I can actually vouch for this. Blaine's character is unclear to me, because he never actually…emphasises on what he says. He says he's been bullied, but I have no idea how. He says that some guys beat him up at Sadie Hawkins, but never really explained what really happened. It seems like I have to chase him to get the smallest amount of indication towards what he means. It's nearly as if he expects me to know how he feels without him saying a word."
Joseph snorted. "He does."
Kurt raised an eyebrow at that. "How so?"
Joseph brought the pencil towards a criteria Kurt hadn't seen yet. "Blaine usually uses physical appearance to draw attention to himself, usually through his emotions. I don't know if you've noticed this, but his wardrobe sort of reflects his mood I'd say. Nothing is just by chance with Blaine. Everything for a reason, and all of that. I do know that Blaine likes praise, thrives off it actually – he loves attention. He cannot live without that attention on him, and you, son, give him a lot of attention even when you're trying not to."
Kurt's cheeks softly coloured in. "I suppose," he muttered. He still didn't see it in Blaine, and he wasn't ready for the narcissistic part just yet. His eyes wandered off and he immediately made connections to histrionic Blaine theories, with the narcissistic ones. Expecting constant attention and reinforcement being one that was particularly obvious with Blaine. It was something that was becoming clearer the more and more he looked at Blaine. He liked being validated of how important he was, and he always got that validation, because he was Blaine. Blaine was not arrogant, however. He did somehow expect to be recognised as superior without many accomplishments. It wasn't like the Warblers had won when Kurt was with them, but Blaine was still seen as superior. That didn't make much sense now, did it?
Kurt, however, did not think that Blaine took advantage of others to reach his own goal. He knew Sebastian definitely did, and that new leader, Hunter, from the little that Tina and Sam had informed him on. Blaine definitely was not shocked when Finn had told him he'd envied him. He nearly expected others to be jealous, and he was definitely constantly validated of how superior he was over others. Kurt knew, however, Blaine did emphasise with others. He did not expect special treatment from what Kurt knew – then again, this particular point was debated.
"Blaine's not a bad person," Kurt finally decided, and he stood by that point.
Joseph shook his head, raising an eyebrow. "I never said he was," his voice was soft. "In the end, he's my son and I love him very much, but he has been diagnosed with HPD at least, and he does have a few narcissistic features. He is very animated. He has hypomania-like features from bipolarity as well, from what the Doctors say. Can't put him for pills for bipolarity though, because from what I know, he doesn't get depression episodes or something like that. I just…"
"Why did you want me to know any of this?" It would take more time for Kurt to digest this information, and to run this through with himself, to accept it. He also, however, accepted that Doctors can be wrong and it sounded wrong that his Blaine had any kind of personality disorder.
Joseph pursed his lips tightly. "I was hoping the conversation would take this turn. Blaine wants plastic surgery."
"What?" Kurt repeated, his voice sounding far too high for him to cope with. It just sounded wrong, for his Blaine to want plastic surgery. This entire meeting felt like a lie if anything. He just stared at the man as if he was insane, with his mouth gaped and his brilliant blue eyes filled with shock.
"I was hoping he'd listen to you," Joseph finally responded, with a soft smile on his lips. "I was hoping you'd talk to him."
Kurt stood up, not knowing how to react to that. His coffee was cold now, and he didn't like what he'd just heard. He just couldn't digest the information that had just been given. How much could he trust Joseph, whom was practically a stranger? Albeit, he was Blaine's Father, but he did not know how Father and son's relationship was like. He just took his coat, nodding towards the man.
"Good day to you," he gave him no answer of whether or not he'd talk to Blaine, and he kept it that was as he trudged through the cold, hard snow on his way out.
Kurt Hummel could barely recognise the boy he used to love.
He saw Blaine sitting by the window in a café, always at the end, always staring outside. Somehow, Kurt was psychoanalysing Blaine's clothing. His winter clothing was always drab in colour. Kurt can see Blaine had a plastic container in his hands, and was idly eating carrot sticks. The brunette was suddenly aware of the contrast those hazel eyes were against that pale face. He was cold.
Kurt moved towards Blaine, feeling rather uncomfortable after all the things that he'd learned about him only a week ago. He was still debating whether or not they were true, but he hoped a conversation with Blaine would straighten him out (pun completely unintended). He moved towards Blaine and offered him a soft smile.
"Dark colours," Kurt noted, staring at Blaine's clothing, decked in black and grey.
Blaine slowly nodded his head. "I don't like winter," it was just a statement that didn't have a lot of thought put into. No mention of why was provided. Kurt was overanalysing everything, but he somehow knew that Joseph was right somehow. "What did he tell you?"
Somehow, Kurt knew he was talking about Joseph. Blaine refused to meet his eyes. Kurt pursed his lips far too tightly for it to be comfortable before responding. "He told me that you have a personality disorder, specifically—"
"Histrionic personality disorder," Blaine responded, voice dull. "I know." He didn't look away from the window, and the carrots in his plastic cup were left virtually untouched.
"Do you admit that you do?" he didn't see Blaine move, and Kurt can tell that there was a bit of both admittance and denial, just because he knew Blaine so well. He sat down and smiled. "I missed you."
"No, you didn't," Blaine finally announced, his voice dark, and tearful. "Let's face it – you're smacking lips with Adam."
"Doesn't mean that I don't care about just because I don't see you as a romantic interest," Kurt found himself firing back, only to see that darkness fill Blaine's eyes. He didn't like the statement that Kurt had made anymore than Kurt did. The brunette sighed deeply. Blaine looked away from Kurt's face for a few moments, shutting his eyes tightly. "Blaine, look at me."
"Make me," the ravenette murmured.
Kurt decided to change the topic of conversation very quickly. "Plastic surgery, Blaine?" his voice was higher than usual and for good reason.
Kurt saw Blaine shut his eyes for a few minutes, sighing deeply.
"There's nothing wrong with your body, Blaine," Kurt finally announced, drinking up the ravenette's body, which he can see even upon layer and layer of clothing. "What can you possibly want to change?"
"I have freckles on my stomach," Blaine finally announced, and Kurt can remember it quite well. Blaine had a patch of freckles positioning themselves above Blaine's bellybutton, something that the ravenette had told Kurt he was slightly self-conscious about. "I want them gone."
Kurt didn't know how to say about that. "Why?"
Blaine didn't respond to that, and chose to eat a carrot stick instead. "I don't like it, Kurt," that was as far as detail would go with Blaine for that particular moment. "I don't need your approval, Kurt. Or my Father's."
His Mother, Kurt was vaguely aware she let him do whatever he wanted – switch schools in particular was an extreme. Even though he persuaded Blaine to switch schools. He didn't think it was particularly possible. "I like them."
"Too bad you're not in a relationship with me so it really doesn't matter what you think," Blaine snidely stated. He sounded as bitter as ninety-five percent dark chocolate and black coffee.
Kurt finally raised an eyebrow. "Why are you acting like this?" he finally asked.
Blaine shrugged. "I'm angry, Kurt," he explained, before shaking his head and adding a bit more to his explanation. "I haven't seen you in years, and you came to Ohio just because my Father wanted you to tell me not to do this. How do you think I feel?"
The words were raw and real for Blaine, but Kurt had hardly thought they were true. Kurt was in Ohio for the first time in years not just because some strangers told him too. Rachel was going to give birth, and they had to reunite Finn and Rachel with one another beforehand. The young married couple was just about to have a child, and Kurt had to be in Ohio with them, to see the entire family. Usually, his family went to New York to see him due to his incredibly busy job working part-time in , and as a full time NYADA student just finishing off his final year of dance and art studies before he was thrown back into an ocean of fish that wanted to make it.
In the back of his mind, he didn't know what Blaine was doing right now, and he felt ashamed for that. Kurt wondered how much of Blaine's emotion was true, and how much of it was faked. It just all seemed the same to Kurt at this point. He stared at Blaine for the first few moments, and just realised in that moment, that disorder or not, he didn't even care anymore. He loved Blaine. He was not in love with him, as his heart still belonged to Adam, but he loved Blaine for what he was. A label was not going to change that. Joseph had told him what he told him just to be more aware of Blaine's personality.
"I thought of you," Kurt found himself saying. "Every year, when we went to Times Square to watch the ball drop. I always thought of you because you said once that you wanted to watch the ball drop some time in your life, and I've always wanted to take you but I've always forgotten, except for that moment, when the ball is dropping, and I make the same New Years' resolution every year – to take you there so you can watch the ball drop."
Blaine smiled weakly, but Kurt didn't know how much of his words actually affected Blaine. He was sure when Blaine looked up and his eyes were glittering a soft hazel colour.
"I really hate my hair," Kurt finally announced. "I'm thinking of chopping it all off actually."
Blaine's eyes widened. "But your hair is amazing, Kurt," he commented, sounding rather emotional.
Kurt looked back at Blaine and now, he was smiling. "Now, you understand how I feel when you said you wanted to get rid of your freckles then," and Blaine looked away right now.
Kurt found himself frowning rather quickly. "Why is it that I'm allowed to be told that my hair is amazing and that I shouldn't think of chopping it off but when the tides have turned, you're allowed to undergo a procedure to remove your freckles?"
"I'm not perfect when they're on my skin," Blaine attempted to explain before he placed the container of carrot sticks on the counter, half were eaten, and half still left out in the open. "Goodbye, Kurt."
That was when Kurt realised that Blaine took logic as it was, but it didn't matter to him at all. That was also when Kurt had looked over the papers of criteria that night, and then burned them into the fire. Blaine may be most of those things, but Kurt did not need papers to reference him about Blaine, because as far as he knew, he knew Blaine better than the ravenette knew himself, and he did not need a paper to validate the conclusion he'd come to Blaine's complexity and perfectionist nature.
The next time he saw Blaine, it was months later when little Lara was born. Kurt had thought that the baby looked – well, red and ugly. He never really thought it looked extravagant, but the thought of that particular child living in Rachel's stomach had still amazed him. He, however, had decided long ago that he was not interested in having any children.
That was when he'd seen Blaine again, and it was more than his freckles that had been removed, because as far as Kurt can see, Blaine's gloom disappeared too. He looked happier, and that made Kurt smile. Perhaps, it had been for the best – though he'd never admit to the ravenette. He and Blaine had gone towards the bathroom and Kurt had watched Blaine wash his face before freezing at the sight of the mirror, as if he can see more bodily imperfections that Kurt couldn't see.
The look of desolation had made Kurt's stomach ache. "Blaine, whatever you're thinking about - no."
"It's my body, not yours," Blaine had hissed once, and Kurt realised just how touchy Blaine was when it to the subject of him, the mirror, and his body. He wiped the water from his face and stared for a while longer. The look of desolation had crumbled towards one of pure disgust. He looked close to tears. Blaine was not happy, and he'd spent too long staring at that mirror. It disturbed him how long Blaine can keep contact with the reflection, how somehow, in Blaine's mind, all he can see was imperfection over another.
Blaine was just about to leave erratically, staging a near Rachel Berry-inspired exit, when Kurt had found himself grabbing Blaine's arm.
"What's upsetting you?" Kurt had honestly seen no imperfections in Blaine's body, or face, yet Blaine seemed to find something wrong with his appearance that Kurt was completely blind to.
"Leave me alone, Kurt!" Blaine pushed Kurt away from him, and Kurt found himself staring as Blaine left. He was not sure if he should go after him. He was aware that Blaine wanted the attention. He was aware that Blaine also needed someone there, to validate his beauty and perfection. He'd gone after him, but he seemed to vanish in an instance. Kurt was just about to look for the ravenette that had once been his love when Adam had come by with an offer of the rest of his sickly sweet cappuccino that tasted more like syrup than a cappuccino. Kurt had completely lost any trails of Blaine, and when Adam told him that they had to get back to the room, all Kurt can do was leave to hear Rachel Berry talk about how much of a star her two-hour-old daughter was going to be.
Somehow, his thoughts were somehow on Blaine. He craved the attention, and he'd surely get it from someone. Blaine was never truly alone, but he still felt horrendous for not going after the boy that had once stolen his heart with that devilish charm. He took a sip of the cappuccino to calm himself down, but instead, ended up choking at the amount of sugar that tainted his veins.
The next time Kurt saw Blaine, the ravenette's eyes were bloodshot, and he was staring at the reflective surface of Cooper's car. He looked angry, spiteful, and Kurt approached with caution. He knew that Blaine didn't actually want to be alone. He wanted comfort. He needed the comfort. As far as he can tell, he'd surely made an exit that made others aware of how hurt Blaine was, as a certain meerkat came outside to coddle him with words. Kurt stayed at a distance to watch.
Blaine caressed the skin on his cheek, looking rather cross with himself.
"Dammit, Bee," Sebastian was the first to speak, and Kurt had found his blood boiling, because the last thing he wanted was for Sebastian to be the source of comfort, but Sebastian knew the words that Blaine wanted to hear better than Kurt did. "Stop it. You're perfect."
Blaine looked up at him with those big, hazel eyes. They were enchanting Kurt from where he was, that childlike innocence that Blaine always somehow used to gain the smallest amount of sympathy. It was something that Kurt realised, and fell for all the time, simply because that childlike innocence was real for a reason, because that was exactly what Blaine was, a child that attempted to be an adult. Beautiful, bubbly child. And Kurt loved him for that. Kurt was supposed to meet Joseph for another one of those meetings. He'd wanted Kurt to talk to Blaine's therapist to get a better insight on Blaine himself. Kurt had brought up Blaine's perfectionism issue, and Joseph phoned Blaine's therapist in return, asking her to come to his house. She did. Blaine seemed to have caused a display of overdramatic emotion and what looked like true pain to Kurt on that particular day.
Blaine shook his head, denying Sebastian's words.
"I think you're as hot as fuck, Bee," Sebastian repeated. That nickname was suddenly the bane of Kurt's existence. To Kurt, it was an indication of how close they were, and he shuddered to think of a day where Blaine was close to Sebastian Smythe. "Whatever you're doing – it's damn well destroying you."
That statement that Sebastian had said was the only statement uttered by the meerkat's lips that Kurt believed, and it frightened him more than he can ever imagine. He watched as Blaine walk back into the household, and Sebastian sighed before following him back.
"Leave me alone!" Blaine finally sounded out but stopped by the doorway, staring at Sebastian with rather angry eyes. "Look at me, Sebastian! I never used to look so disgusting. My face is…look at it."
"I have eyes, babe. Can't fool me now," Sebastian chose to laugh before adding on. "Come on. I think you're gorgeous. Handsome. All of that jazz. You never used to care about this shit. Why now? You're making up things in your head, and it's not healthy, and it's hurting you. This isn't you, Blaine. This is not you."
"You're right," Blaine looked like he was having a moment. He then looked back up at Sebastian as hate filled his every word soon afterwards. "It's not me. The more I stare at the reflection of whoever this is, the more I want to vomit."
"Does it matter what that damned mirror says?" Sebastian finally asked, and that was when Kurt had actually started to appreciate the meerkat-like specimen that was retaliating towards Blaine. Somehow, he knew that Sebastian knew his words were futile, but saying something was better than standing there and saying nothing, doing nothing at all as far as Kurt was concerned. "This isn't you, Blaine."
"Yes, it matters," Blaine finally announced, looking rather conflicted. He looked down at the asphalt, mindlessly wondering off towards that land of destruction he seemed to have created for himself over the years, something that Kurt was only vaguely aware of until now. His voice was low, but not low enough that he wasn't heard by Kurt, even from the distance he was in. It sounded tearful, and hurt. "It matters because I'm not perfect."
Sebastian honestly looked fed up from where he stood. "Fine," he said, ready to leave the household. That was something that Kurt knew was probably the stupidest thing the meerkat can do, leave Blaine alone when he was in that state, when he needed to be validated constantly that he was perfect, or else it would only drive him to remember the reasons that he wasn't. "Go try and get to a fantasy that's in your head, but if you're standing there, hurt and crying or whatever shit, then just know that it's your fault, because nobody forced you to go under the knife but yourself."
Kurt realised that this indicated that Blaine was thinking of more plastic surgery, which made his stomach drop. He waited for Blaine to walk inside, shutting the door rather unnecessarily loudly behind him before Kurt had made his way towards the kitchenette where Joseph was waiting for him.
"I'm aware I'm late," Kurt had finally said. "But Blaine had done quite a lovely show for me outside that I just had to attend."
Kurt heard the rather obvious introduction, that her confidentiality with Blaine was quite strict, and she'd only been allowed to say the things that he'd said were okay for her to say. Thankfully for them, Blaine honestly didn't care what they knew, as in her words, 'as if they'd check up on me' he'd said. That was his same response all the time, so she supposed she can explain Blaine to them. However, she didn't seem to be too keen on spilling too much personal information about Blaine, just the more so vital parts. When she started to explain, Kurt found the weak smile on his face fading away to nothing by the end of the session.
It was few weeks after that session. Nobody was at home but Blaine from what Kurt understood. He had knocked on the door, and Blaine invited him in with that far too charming smile of his. Kurt was suddenly aware that the shape of Blaine's nose was slightly different, and his arms were much different. He had to have something done on them, Kurt had realised, but it actually scared him how Blaine looked like now. He was starting to look less like Blaine every time Kurt had seen him. He looked like a porcelain doll instead. His arms were a smooth line with little muscle and fat breaking the line in his skin.
Kurt didn't know what surgeon Blaine had bribed for such. His arms were still in bandages, and he seemed to be staring at his lap. Kurt can see clear happiness on Blaine's face with the procedure he'd done apparently, and he seemed to be smiling too brightly for his own good. It was that brilliant bubbly expression that was on Blaine's face that made Kurt think that plasticity was something that Blaine can endure only to make himself happy.
"How are your arms?" Kurt asked, watching Blaine flush rather softly because Kurt seemed to notice, but Kurt didn't know how not to notice what was obvious to him.
Blaine nodded his head. "I'm happy," he finally announced, smiling gleefully. He looked like he was drunk on delight.
"It isn't going to last for long," Kurt finally announced and Blaine looked honestly offended, as he stared down at his lap. Apparently, Kurt realised that Blaine didn't appreciate Kurt predicting what he would or would not do in certain situations. Kurt then added on. "Sebastian is right, I'm sad to say. You're chasing an ideal that doesn't exist. Stop, before all of you is done with, and you will regret it."
"How would you know?" Blaine muttered darkly. "You don't know me, Kurt. What do you know about me? Just some papers that are telling you how I'm going to act. What my parents said about me? What my therapist said about me? What are you going to tell me that I don't already know?"
Kurt was silent for one, as Blaine bolted one word after another. "I'm not in denial, Kurt. I know what I have. I don't care. And no, it doesn't mean that I'm soulless and I don't love you. I love you, Kurt."
"You can't love, Blaine," Kurt finally announced, watching those hazel eyes widen with pain, and that pain looked so real, but Kurt didn't really care anymore. It was a true fact to him. It was something that he'd been trying to avoid the entire time. Blaine wanted love. Blaine wanted things that he could not have, so he would carve them – picture perfect. It was something that he did notice in Sebastian at first. It was why they'd gone along so well, but Blaine's goals conflicted with Sebastian's and they both loved their own idea of picture perfect than each other. Blaine wanted a picture perfect date, a picture perfect proposal, a picture perfect wedding. He wanted to be that charming boy that was mysterious, that important person that had saved Kurt countless of times. He was doing it to build up a character in his mind, that was something that Kurt had come to conclude, but now, that picture was torn to shreds every time.
Kurt wasn't with him anymore. This agitated Blaine, because Kurt was part of the picture. For every time the picture he had painted for himself was peeled off, all Blaine can do was stare at himself and try to fix it, try to mould himself to the perfection he wanted. Kurt knew that Blaine was self-invested, and just that. He was overdramatic to others, but not to himself. One flaw could destroy everything he'd made, everything he'd ever worked for. In all essence, Blaine was beautiful, but it was the kind of beauty that was seen only in a chaotic mess, in a mindless tragedy, and in unnecessary self-sacrifice. Blaine was both Romeo and Juliet. Blaine was both the suicide and the knife. And Kurt loved him.
But he was not fooling himself any longer. Blaine could not love him, or fall in love with him. He was not emotionless, but his emotions only existed for himself. To Kurt, this still did not make Blaine a bad person, or a narcissist because Blaine had somehow convinced himself he can love. He wanted to love, but this was as close as he'd get to it, and it wasn't something that he can accept.
Blaine looked down at his lap. "All this pain, Kurt, all this pain, and you're telling me that I was faking it? That I feel nothing for you? That I don't love you?"
Kurt leaned down beside Blaine, placing a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "I don't think you're a bad person. I think you try to love. I think you…" he drifted off, seeing how vulnerable Blaine looked like.
The vulnerability turned to hardness as Blaine looked up at Kurt with hard eyes. "Get out, Kurt."
Kurt's chest tightened and he found himself standing up from the couch that he'd settled on, staring at Blaine with wide eyes. "But I love you, Blaine. I do."
Blaine's eyes flickered towards him, and the next statement validated all of Kurt's theories. "We can start over, Kurt. It doesn't have to be like this. We can be happy together."
And there it was again, that childlike innocent that Kurt had deeply fallen in love with, as Kurt found himself staring at Blaine, beautiful, beautiful Blaine with those big hazel eyes, the boy that tried to fool himself. Somehow, Kurt was blaming himself because maybe they could've been happy together. Maybe he was the reason that Blaine had to build himself a new picture, the reason he was so confused and unstable.
Just as Kurt was about to leave, he turned around to look at Blaine, whom was crying and had begun sobbing softly. It tore his heart.
"Take care of yourself, Blaine," was all that Kurt can say. He can no longer be one of the reasons that Blaine was hurting himself. He can no longer be anything to Blaine, but the past withering right before his eyes. As far as Kurt was concerned, this was the last time he'd ever seen Blaine Anderson in his life. As Kurt had gotten towards his car, he realised the pain that came with that. His stomach was hurting and there was a condensed ball of pain in his chest. He realised that he would never see Blaine again in his life, and that thought actually scared him, as hot tears ran down his face. He put his key in the ignition, and realised it was just for the best.
Last time he saw something that reminded him of Blaine, it was a boy that was probably a bit tall for his age. Kurt had estimated his age to be at around thirteen or fourteen. He was probably at Blaine's height, if not an inch taller than Blaine. His auburn hair was in a mass of ringlets, but those eyes, wide with childlike innocence. It made Kurt want to see Blaine, and accept his Facebook request. That day was the last Kurt had vowed never to see Blaine again, and it brought him more pain than he realised, to think that he cannot go down and see how Kurt was doing. Sometimes, he phoned Joseph, but Joseph was rarely vacant enough to answer. He hadn't talked to Joseph in two years.
The particular boy with auburn hair was probably sick with a virus. His face was more angular than Blaine's, sharper. He was also much thinner than Blaine, but Kurt had pinned it down to his age. He was a child from what Kurt can see, barely developed, barely able to understand the world for what it was. Kurt had seen the boy walk up to him, and as he did, Kurt was aware that he actually looked a bit sick.
Kurt's heart had hammered in his chest. He'd just gotten a call back a few days ago, and other than his job at , had decided to work in a mediocre, not so busy bookstore. He spent most of the time day-dreaming rather than working but he blamed this all on the fact that there was nothing to do. He analysed the boy's clothing – baggy dark trousers, and a dark green hoodie that made the greyness in his eyes show. The boy looked strangely at Kurt, and Kurt realised that this was because he'd been staring at the boy for a quite a bit now.
"Nice hair," Kurt warmly complimented, as he stared down at the boy's selection. A magazine, specifically a comic book. "I suppose you're twelve to fourteen?"
The boy didn't quite answer, and Kurt didn't blame him. He probably was quite eccentric in the boy's eyes. Kurt had given the boy his comic book, before he spat out his concern. "You look sick. Are you…feeling well? Shouldn't you be resting?"
The boy didn't quite well answer, but he shook his head. He turned to leave, and Kurt was left to stare at that childlike innocence that he supposedly had fallen in love with. Here he was, reduced to nothing, talking to customers and sounding like a Mother. Part of him wanted to contact Blaine again, but he had to restrain himself. This was just one of those days where he was thinking about Blaine far too much, but only because children had this effect on him. He took a deep breath, and just before he was going back to his world of daydreaming, he heard the boy speak out to him.
"Take care of yourself, Kurt," and Kurt had looked back up to stare at the boy as he left. And that was the last time Kurt Hummel had seen Blaine Anderson.
recap/conclusion: to explain from the beginning to the end - Joseph apparently brought Kurt because he wanted to tell Blaine that he had HPD in hopes that Blaine would listen to Kurt about undergoing plastic surgery. now, here's the twist in this: this story actually has two parts - Blaine's and Kurt's. the first obvious part is Blaine's. Blaine's HPD for one - you only see it at a very shallow angle because you're essentially seeing it from someone else's perspective: from Kurt's, from Joseph's and a little bit from Sebastian's. from Joseph's, he thinks it's very clear and cut - Blaine is practically the paper which you surely see from Kurt's point of view. he thinks that there is more to Blaine than what a few line says, but then contradicts himself especially because he keeps on referring to what a paper says anyway. basically at some point, he just goes like 'yes, Blaine is acting like this because he is _' which is something he implied he wouldn't do. another thing to note about Blaine's character is that the only explanation you get from him are from Kurt's point of view. Blaine may not be as Kurt associated in his mind as Kurt perceives it to be, or he may just be worse. that's the thing about this fanfic. it is either a concave or convex mirror depending on how you see it. Blaine may have been 'running after perfection' for another reason that is not Kurt based. this is just Kurt's conclusion based on the evidence that he decides to point out with. the criteria yet again is VAST. he can be focusing on anything else, but instead, he focuses on Blaine's perfectionist nature so he only sees Blaine's need for perfection. his reasons for actually undergoing plastic surgery may not be as perfection-orientated as Kurt sees it. it's completely up to you how you decide to see it in that case.
in this particular fanfic, Kurt has a very Sherlock Holmes kind of character. at first, he comes in completely sure that he knows Blaine's character and his flaws. he is very sure of himself until he has to sort of 'face the facts'. he overanalyses and tries to explain it to himself the reasons for why and why not Blaine's diagnosis is legit and then decides that Blaine's diagnosis isn't as legit as it seems. like stated above, he basically contradicts himself because he constantly goes back into the criteria. if anything: Kurt is just as much of a perfectionist as Blaine is here. when Joseph gave him the diagnosis, Kurt has been trying to fix the picture so that Blaine would fit the criteria completely. one thing he does focus on is Blaine's childlike innocence. he tries to fit Blaine in the diagnostic picture if anything. and he comes up with a conclusion and is sure he knows Blaine. in the end, Blaine is still as complex as he was in the beginning. not a criteria. personal complexity which I wanted to show at the very end.
hope the explanation wasn't too confusing now :P.
xo Peanut Butter/Sam