Because Shut Up
Once upon a Tuesday, Sonic the Hedgehog decided that Amy Rose's face was pissing him off, so he did what all rational people do. He ran up as she was walking down the street and slapped her across the face.
"Stop stalking me, you brat! I'm dating Sally! I'll never love you!"
Amy was shocked, to say the least. "B-b-b-b-b-but Sonic—"
"Shut up! You're annoying!" And he slapped her again, just for the heck of it.
The sakura shaded, rosy colored beauty ran off, tears falling from her emerald colored eyes. "Ohhhh, Sonikku! How could you ever be so cruel? I've always loved you! Why don't you love me back?"
She cried tears of deep sadness. But from the shadows, an ebony and crimson shaded hedgehog was watching. "You shouldn't waste your time on that faker, Rose."
Amy gasped dramatically. "Who—?"
It was… SHADOW THE SEXY!
"Who else?" He said, stepping out from the shadows. "You're too beautiful to waste your time on him. He's too stupid to ever realize that you're beautiful and you should be with me because I've secretly always been obsessed with you."
Suddenly, Amy realized how absolutely beautiful and handsome and hunky Shadow was.
"I've always secretly been infatuated with you too, Shadow! Let's make out and be together forever because… yeah!"
So they did that.
But from the shadows, another jealous hedgehog was watching, and it was none other than…
SONIC THE FAST GUY!
"GRRR! How dare Amy cheat on me, and how dare Shadow steal her from me? I will rip his ears off and shove them down his stupid throat! Then we'll see who the ultimate is!"
And being rational, Sonic walked up to the two and punched Shadow in the face.
"Is that a challenge, you ugly faker?" Shadow exclaimed, wiping the blood from his face.
Sonic scoffed (whatever the heck that means), "Amy is mine! You can't have her!"
Shadow growled, "Then let's fight for her! Whoever wins takes her!"
Amy shrugged, "Sounds good to me."
AND AN AWESOME BATTLE ENSUED.
Of course, no one had noticed that Sally had been watching the whole thing, and boy, was she furious.
"Sonic's mine! When will that brat realize that? I'm going to rip her apart!" She seethed, "She will pay!"
So Sally ran up to Amy and slapped her across the face.
"You low-life!" Sally screamed, "I hope you die alone in a hole all by yourself!"
Amy was crying tears of utter sadness as she fell to the ground because she was extremely weak and defenseless from the evil queen that was Sally. Why did someone as horrible and mean and rude and ugly and naked as Sally pick on someone as pure and kind-hearted and beautiful and happy and nice (not to mention perfect) as Amy Rose? It was a complete and utter mystery!
"YOU FAKER, AMY'S MINE!" Shadow yelled.
"YOU'RE THE FAKER, AND AMY BELONGS TO ME!" Sonic screamed back.
"YOU'RE UGLY!" Sally shrieked at Amy.
"WHY ME? SONNIKU, SAVE ME!" Amy cried in tears of ultimate bitterness and woe.
Then, suddenly, Shadow accidently killed Sally. Whoops.
Shock took everyone, and before anything else could even think of happening, Sonic was by her side. "No! Not the woman I love! Not Sally Alicia Acorn!"
"But you just said—" Shadow started.
"No, I've always loved Sally!" Sonic spat, "And I can't live without her!" So with that, Sonic stabbed himself and died a horrible, bloody death. Ouch.
"NOOOOO, NOT SONNIKU!" Amy cried, tears falling from her shiny emerald, green eyes. "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" So Amy drank the arsenic in her pocket and died. Aw.
And then there was one. But not for long.
"No! My Rose!" Shadow cried, tears falling from his crimson stained irises despite the fact that he doesn't cry at all ever in a million years. "I can't live without you!" So Shadow got out his gun and… ick.
Then, just for the heck of it, because there's still not enough blood in this story, Charmy keeled over. Sad.
And silence fell over the fallen princess, hero, damsel, and anti-hero. Misery.
"Hey Sonic, I finally finished—"
Tails stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the dead bodies.