A/N: Here is my story for the FanFiction FaceBook demise of Elena. I've always seen her as a sad person whose pain, inner demons and desperation drove her to do horrible things.
Dark and cool and quiet. Almost peaceful. Perfect, I think to myself, feeling the wet trickle of the tears as they leave the corners of my eyes and trail into my hair like raindrops sliding down a window pane. Why? What happened? To live my life and then slip away unnoticed, leaving nothing behind of any value. I came into the world; I lived my life and now leaving nothing for it. Like I was never here. A ghost of a human being passing in and out of people's lives unnoticed. Yet wanting, no begging to be visible to someone, anyone.
I'm tired. So damn tired and weary of it all. I can't endure another day, another hour. The mere thought of him and unconsciously the corners of my mouth tilt upward softening the hard line of my mouth. Him. Him. I don't want to sleep; not yet. Please. Fighting the sleep I try to see him just once more. His face not as clear as it used to be. Not as crisp. His features are now blurred as though I'm struggling to see him through a gauze curtain and I'm fighting to get one more glimpse. He was mine. He belonged to me and he loved me. I don't care what anyone said, he loved me. He needed me and I needed him.
Was he the tender loving husband I could never find or the sweet child I could never have? I don't know. I have no idea how or why I was drawn to him. It could have been the sweet perfection of his face, the chiseled youthful body or just the pain and sadness in his eyes. A pain and sadness that matched mine. A kindred spirit. I understood him. We were alike in so many ways and that made it easy. No wait. I need to think. I need to clear my head. I need to know why. Why did I do it? He was so young. He was a child. A child in the body of a beautiful man.
All I can hear is my heart is pounding in my ears remembering his warm hands on me; his mouth exploring my body. His need to give me total pleasure. No one had ever wanted me like he did. I could see the need in his eyes and feel the ach in his body every time we were together. He needed me as much as I needed…..Shit stay awake. It's not time. I need to see him just one more time. But I don't deserve it. I have no right. I was selfish. There is no excuse for what I did. But I couldn't stay away. I craved him like a drug. When I was with him, I was happy. Having him in my life gave me purpose and something to live for. He took away the ache; the emptiness.
God I was such a fucking fool. An old woman falling for a boy. But I could teach him. I could teach him what I know; make him a man, make his life better, because I understood. I could teach him how to cope and how to keep the demons at bay. I know the demons. They are regular visitors in my life. Especially on nights when I'm alone and drowning in fear and disgust and sorrow. The demons come and bring the memories with them. Memories of dread and revulsion and anger. The nights of helplessness and betrayal and submission. The person who was supposed to love me the most, was my tormentor; my abuser. I just want to be loved so very much, but not like that.
I'm a person, a human being. All I want is tenderness and kindness. I just didn't know how to get it. I didn't know what else to do, so I did it the only way I knew how. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just loved you so much and needed for you to love me back. And I was so surprised when you did. Remember how we talked? We could talk for hours. You knew my secrets and I knew yours. My confidant my hero. The one person who knew me without my skin and loved me in spite of it.
Linc you never really cared. I was young and my looks were all I had to my name. No real education I made do with the tricks in my bag. Remember there is only one way to get a man to love you. There is just one thing they want from you. There is only one thing I'm good for. I became your play toy, your showpiece and in exchange you kept me warm and fed and safe. My only job was to make you look good and…feel good. I knew how to do both. But I wasn't even worth your love. I wasn't worth the time it would have taken for you to hold me when the demons came or to find out that I hate poached salmon and love Swiss steak.
It could have worked out between us if you had thought I was worth caring about. Instead I finally sought consolation in the arms of a boy. A beautiful, intelligent, confused, young boy. To make matters worse…wake up. Damn it, wake up. I betrayed the trust of a dear friend to get that comfort. I turned my back on the only real friend I ever had to get to her son. God what a selfish bitch.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you, I swear I didn't. I was living in the moment and somehow you wanted forever…but as you got older forever turned into for a while. I knew I could never keep you, but I hoped. God in heaven how I hoped. Even after you left for college you called, you came to see me and I went to see you, we maintained the hope. The tears are forming pools in my ears and I don't have the strength to wipe them away. You would have wiped them for me and you did on the few occasions that I allowed them to come. Even when you turned the relationship to friendship I knew we were forever. You could have just left like the others but you didn't. In spite of it all you cared about me. You and I; we are alike. I was able to give you what you needed and you loved me for it. I knew you would always care. And you did until she ruined it. She made you turn away from me. She quickly consumed you until there was no room left for me.
Why couldn't you care for me like that? What was so different about me? What made me so unlovable? What is it about me that makes it impossible for someone to love me? Am I so horrible, so vile that no one can see me? Fuck, I wish I had only taken one sleeping pill. Thirteen was way over the top even for me. But I'm just so fucking tired. Sick and tired of it all. Sick and tired of trying and caring and needing, only to be turned away again and again. It's not my fault that I'm not a sweet young girl anymore. It was stolen from me. What about me made him do that? What is it about me that everyone seems to take what they need and then discard me? Why can't anyone see that I need just one person to turn around and take a second look? He did. He saw me until she walked into our lives.
He was mine and I was his. I miss you….Oh God…..I…. Christian….