Captain N: The Game Master

Season 8



Monday, June 30, 1997, 12:00 AM

Kristen, Heather, Lana, Stacey, Mike, Rick, Samus, and Kevin stood in Kevin's living room.
Lana checked her watch. "Well, it's midnight. Where the fuck is he?"
"Maybe he's running late." Stacey suggested.
"Keene, I got a question." Mike said. "What happens if your parents come downstairs and see us battling Satan in their living room?"
Kevin shrugged. "They're religious. I'm sure they'd understand. Besides, they're away for the weekend."
"Hey, did you know that Barney the Purple Dinosaur is Satanic?" Kristen asked with a smile.
"What?" Heather, Lana, Stacey, Mike, Rick, and Kevin asked.
"This is the logic that some Christians use. Barney teaches kids to relax and clear their minds - almost like meditation. Meditation is a Hindu belief, and Hinduism comes from the Devil." Kristen explained. "Therefore, Barney is of the Devil."
"Of course!" Kevin said. "That is just so fuckin' insightful. He-Man is also Satantic, you know."
"How's that?" Lana asked.
"Well, He-Man always shows Skeletor mercy, but Jesus would not show sinners mercy at the Final Judgment. Also, Prince Adam uses magic, which the Bible forbids. Therefore," Kevin concluded, "He-Man is of the Devil. Thus sayeth the Christians."
Mike clapped his hands. "Brilliant, Keene."
"All those people are stupid." Lana said. "They're seeing bad stuff where there isn't any."
"Hey, Kristen, when Satan gets here, you can play some Christian music CDs." Mike suggested. "It'll drive him away."
"What makes you think I have Christian music CDs?" Kristen asked.
"Well, you've got all those books." Mike said.
"I have an interest in Christianity. I'm not a firm believer." Kristen explained. "I listen to hymns at church. I don't need to listen to Christian music at home. And I'm certainly not going to spend money on it."
"Oh." Mike said.
Soon, a car pulled into the driveway.
"Is that him?" Samus asked.
"No, it's Father Jeff." Stacey said.
Father Jeff walked into the house. He was holding a crucifix in one hand and a book in the other.
"Yo, what's up, dudes?!" Father Jeff asked. He gave Stacey a high five.
"Hey, Jeff!" Stacey greeted.
"Hey, sorry I'm late." Father Jeff apologized. "Some wacko dude got pissed when I gave him a huge penance. He started smashing the window. I had to go outside and kick his ass."
"That's okay," Kristen said, "the Prince of Darkness is late, too."
Just then, they heard the sound of tires squealing, and a Pizza Hut car pulled into the driveway. They heard a loud crash.
"Aw, shit!" a voice yelled.
"Speak of the Devil." Heather said.
The front door opened, and Satan walked into the living room.
"Yo, what tha fuck, man?!" Satan asked. "Some shithead parked his Camaro in tha driveway! Made me bust up my damn car!"
"Aw, no, my car!" Father Jeff yelled.
"I know how it feels, man." Mike said, putting a comforting arm around the priest.
Satan clapped his hands together. "So, Mike, let's go."
Mike grinned. "Dude, you're late. You don't get my soul."
"Yeah, dude, nice try, now c'mon!" Satan said.
"Not so fast, Satan!" Kristen yelled. "You're not gettin' Mike that easily!"
"Yeah, we're gonna fight you!" Stacey added.
Satan sighed. "Fine, but make it fast. I've got a poker game with Hitler in a half-hour."
"I'll go first." Kristen stepped forward. "'What is your merit if you do the will of the Father, and it is not given to you from him as a gift while you are tempted by Satan? But if you are oppressed by Satan and persecuted and you do his (the Father's) will, I say that he will love you, and make you equal with me, and reckon you to have become beloved through his providence by your own choice.'"
"Ooh, nice try, Kristen, but I'm afraid the Church doesn't consider that canon." Satan said. "Next."
"Shut up." Kristen said, then she walked back to her previous spot.
Mike ran forward, raising his Super Soaker. "All right, that's it! I've got a Super Soaker filled with holy water, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Mike pumped the Super Soaker, then he fired, getting Satan's hair wet.
"Yo, man, what's up wit dat?!" Satan yelled.
"Well, so much for that." Mike put his left arm around him. "Satan, buddy, pal, amigo, homeboy,...if you let me go, I'll get you a date with Stacey."
"Mike!" Stacey yelled in disbelief.
"Yo, I don't want dat ditz!" Satan told him. "Gimme Brandy!"
Mike sighed and walked back to his previous spot.
Kristen ran forward. "'Any country that divides itself into groups which fight each other will fall apart. So if one group is fighting another in Satan's kingdom, this means that it is already divided into groups and will soon fall apart!'"
"Oh, shut up." Satan said, annoyed.
Kristen fumed and walked back to her previous spot. "Rick, I think we better try your dance number."
"Okay." Rick said. "Check this out. I put together a dance ritual that'll drive you back to Hell!"
Satan folded his arms. "Aw, this oughta be good!"
Rick, Mike, Kevin, Kristen, Heather, Stacey, Lana, and Samus surrounded Satan. They started singing and dancing, with Rick singing the lead vocals: "Get down, get down, get down,...Satan Boogie,...Satan Boogie - "
"Damn, you guys can't dance!" Satan said. "Watch me!"
Satan started dancing.
"Oh, boy." Kevin said. "Father Jeff, I think you better do the exorcism."
"Okay." Father Jeff walked up to Satan and held up the crucifix. He opened the book and passed out sheets of papers to the others. He made the Sign of the Cross. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Saint Michael the Archangel, illustrious leader of the heavenly army, defend us in the battle against principalities and powers, against the rulers of the world of darkness and the spirit of wickedness in high places. Come to the rescue of mankind, whom God has made in His own image and likeness, and purchased from Satan's tyranny at so great a price. Holy Church venerates you as her patron and guardian. The Lord has entrusted to you the task of leading the souls of the redeemed to heavenly blessedness. Entreat the Lord of peace to cast Satan down under our feet, so as to keep him from further holding man captive and doing harm to the Church. Carry our prayers up to God's throne, that the mercy of the Lord may quickly come and lay hold of the beast, the serpent of old, Satan and his demons, casting him in chains into the abyss, so that he can no longer seduce the nations. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and God, by the intercession of Mary, spotless Virgin and Mother of God, of Saint Michael the Archangel, of the blessed apostles Peter and Paul, and of all the saints, and by the authority residing in our holy ministry, we steadfastly proceed to combat the onslaught of the wily enemy. God arises; His enemies are scattered, and those who hate Him flee before Him."
"As smoke is driven away, so are they driven; as wax melts before the fire, so the wicked perish before God." the others recited.
Father Jeff held up a crucifix. "See the cross of the Lord; begone, you hostile powers!"
"The stem of David, the lion of Juda's tribe has conquered."
"May your mercy, Lord, remain with us always."
"For we put our whole trust in you."
"We cast you out, every unclean spirit, every satanic power, every onslaught of the infernal adversary, every legion, every diabolical group and sect, in the name and by the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. We command you, begone and fly far from the Church of God, from the souls made by God in His image and redeemed by the precious blood of the divine Lamb. No longer dare, cunning serpent, to deceive the human race, to persecute God's Church, to strike God's elect and to sift them as wheat. For the Most High God commands you, He to whom you once proudly presumed yourself equal; He who wills all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of truth. God the Father commands you. God the Son commands you. God the Holy Spirit commands you. Christ, the eternal Word of God made flesh, commands you, who humbled Himself, becoming obedient even unto death, to save our race from the perdition wrought by your envy; who founded His Church upon a firm rock, declaring that the gates of hell should never prevail against her, and that He would remain with her all days, even to the end of the world. The sacred mystery of the cross commands you, along with the power of all mysteries of Christian faith. The exalted Virgin Mary, Mother of God, commands you, who in her lowliness crushed your proud head from the first moment of her Immaculate Conception. The faith of the holy apostles Peter and Paul and the other apostles commands you. The blood of martyrs and the devout prayers of all holy men and women command you. Therefore, accursed dragon and every diabolical legion, we adjure you by the living God, by the true God, by the holy God, by God, who so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him might not perish but have everlasting life; to cease deluding human creatures and filling them with the poison of everlasting damnation; to desist from harming the Church and hampering her freedom. Begone, Satan, father and master of lies, enemy of man's welfare. Give place to Christ, in whom you found none of your works. Give way to the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church, which Christ Himself purchased with His blood. Bow down before God's mighty hand, tremble and flee as we call on the holy and awesome name of Jesus, before whom the denizens of hell cower, to whom the heavenly Virtues and Powers and Dominations are subject, whom the Cherubim and Seraphim praise with unending cries as they sing: Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of Sabaoth. Lord, heed my prayer."
"And let my cry be heard by you."
"The Lord be with you."
"May He also be with you."
"Let us pray. God of heaven and earth, God of the angels and archangels, God of the patriarchs and prophets, God of the apostles and martyrs, God of the confessors and virgins, God who have power to bestow life after death and rest after toil; for there is no other God than you, nor can there be another true God beside you, the Creator of all things visible and invisible, whose kingdom is without end; we humbly entreat your glorious majesty to deliver us by your might from every influence of the accursed spirits, from their every evil snare and deception, and to keep us from all harm; through Christ our Lord."
"From the snares of the devil."
"Lord, deliver us."
"That you help your Church to serve you in security and freedom."
"We beg you to hear us."
"That you humble the enemies of holy Church."
"We beg you to hear us." Father Jeff then sprinkled the surroundings with holy water.
"Damn, not even that worked!" Heather said.
"All right, everybody, say good-bye to Mikey!" Satan said.
Stacey waved. "Bye, Mike."
"Sorry we couldn't help ya, man." Kevin said.
Lana and Samus folded their arms while the others said good-bye to Mike.
"Thanks for trying, guys." Mike said.
Satan opened the screen door and walked outside. Mike followed him.
Everyone just stood and watched in silence.
Suddenly, the screen door opened, and Mike was pushed back into the living room.
"Get yo' ass back in there, boy!" Satan walked back into the living room.
"What's going on?" Kevin asked in confusion.
Satan started laughing. "You dudes are so gullible!"
Kristen walked over to him. "Excuse me. Would you mind telling me what the fuck is so funny?"
"Ask my cousin Rick!" Satan said.
Stacey gasped. "Rick is Satan's cousin?!"
"No!" Rick said. He walked over. "Guys, this is my cousin Stan!"
"Stan - Satan. I get it." Jeff said.
"Um,...okay." Stacey accepted.
"So, this whole thing was just a trick!" Heather realized.
"Of course!" Rick said. "Death Master G? Pizza of Evil? Come on!"
"Rick told me about your little game of trying to scare each other." Stan said. "So, he got me to help him out."
"And you did a great job, man!" Rick gave him a high five.
"See? I told you guys." Lana said. "But noooooo, you wouldn't listen to me!"
"I wasn't fooled either." Samus said. "Of course, I have no idea what the fuck any of this was about anyway."
"So, guys, do I win?" Rick asked, grinning.
Mike walked over to him, a psychotic grin on his face. "Oh, yeah,...you win...a free ass-kicking!"
"Whuh-oh!" Rick turned and ran out the door. "C'mon, Stan!"
"Right behind ya, cuz!" Stan ran out the door as well.
Mike chased after them into the street, followed by Kevin, Stacey, Kristen, and Heather.
"Hey, you're gonna pay for my car, dude!" Father Jeff joined the chase.
Lana and Samus looked at each other.
"Wanna watch TV?" Lana asked.
"Sure." Samus replied.
They sat down on the couch. Lana picked up the remote and clicked on the TV.

Copyright © 2000 by Mark Moore