Warning: Swearing, slash, sexual content, character death, depression
Summary: A/U. Boys are not famous. What happens when Carlos' perfect life is torn in half by a tragedy that he himself had foreseen? Can Logan fill the void in his best friend's heart or will it be too much for Carlos to handle?
Disclaimer: I do not own any members of Big Time Rush.
Author Note: Scenes written in italics are flashbacks. The story is already written so updates shouldn't take forever.
"No, no, you can't. No, No!"
Carlos awoke abruptly, sitting up straight, panting heavily as his heart pounded against his bare chest. Sweat and tears mingled together as they poured down his reddened cheeks from his glazed chocolate eyes. His hair was sodden from perspiration as the nightmare played over and over in his mind.
"Carlos?" a frightened voice filled the silent dark room as a second figure sat up beside him, wrapping his arms around him tightly and pulling him to his chest.
Carlos relaxed instantly as the sound of a familiar heartbeat boomed loudly from his lover's chest where he pressed his ear and let his sobs take over.
"Shhh, baby, it's alright. Everything's ok, I'm here," his best friend whispered soothing words into the man's ear. He waited a moment for his lover to calm down before speaking again, "Talk to me, Carlos. Tell me what's wrong."
Carlos sniffed before hugging his best friend as close to him as possible, "It was awful James," he managed through sobs.
"What was, Carlos? You can tell me," James urged him to continue. "You know you can tell me anything," the brunette held him closer as he stroked his sodden locks waiting for him to tell him what had frightened the poor boy.
"The- the -it- and you- you were," Carlos stuttered trying to retell the dream, but it was just too horrific to put into words, finally getting up enough courage, Carlos let it out in a painful shriek, " You left me, James! You left me! And I was all alone," he sobbed even harder into his lover's chest.
"Shhh, Carlos. It's alright. I'm right here. You know I would never leave you. You are my everything, baby. I love you."
"But it was the- and you- oh, James," Carlos sniffed again as he tried to explain in further detail. "I know you would never want to leave me, but you didn't have a choice. The - and it- and you- you-" Carlos sobbed again, unable to finish.
"Carlos, it was just a nightmare. You know stuff like that rarely happens," James tried to reassure him. "You're probably just nervous about me going alone. This is going to be my first big trip without you tagging along. You know I would do anything to bring you with me."
"James, please. Please don't leave tomorrow. I know it was just a dream, but I just have this bad feeling and-"
"Shhh… Carlos, please. You know I have to go. I need this trip to get the job. It's only a few days."
"But, James, I just know that-"
"Come on, baby. It's late," James cut him off as he glanced at the nearby clock on the nightstand. "We'll talk about this in the morning, alright? I'm not leaving for a few days. Alright?"
Carlos nodded before pushing himself up off of his best friend. He waited for a moment as James laid back down and snuggled into a comfortable position before holding out his arms. Carlos fell into them, resting his head against his chest once more as James kissed his head.
"I love you Carlos and I promise, I would walk to the end of the Earth and back if I had to just to be with you," he whispered into his lover's ear. "I will always be here."
Chapter 1: A Love Lost
"Hey, Carlos," Logan smiled the best he could as he walked into the master bedroom of the newly bought Victorian house. "Sleep well?" he asked.
Carlos said nothing.
"I brought you some breakfast. Are you hungry?" he asked holding up a tray of Cocoa Puffs, a jellied English muffin and an Orange Juice.
Carlos lied still.
"Carlos, please. You need to eat something. You haven't eaten in two days! What about a corn dog? Do you want a corn dog?"
Carlos didn't hear him.
"Are you even listening to me?" Logan asked getting frustrated now. "Carlos!"
The poor boy lay still, silent and deaf to the world around him other than the news report that had been playing on CNN for two days straight.
For two days straight, Carlos had lied on the bed, in the same position he was in now: both arms wrapped firmly around the same pillow, his eyes fixed upon the flat screen. His eyes were red, puffy and dry. His cheeks were stained and his lips tasted of salt from the tears that had fallen and he still wore the same old black wife-beater with grey sweats that he had been wearing when he received the news.
Logan looked to the Television. It was on silent, but the same videos that had been playing over and over again in his mind, were still there to see. His stomach lurched just watching. Waiting.
James had been his best friend too, but to Carlos, he was so much more. They were best friends, lovers and soul mates. Destined to be together forever. At least that was the plan.
Though he would never admit it, Logan was jealous of them. Of him. It wasn't fair that he got to be the one who took care of him, who loved him and that he had loved back. He had always secretly wished that some miracle would occur, and they would be torn apart, but not like this.
This was heartbreaking. Not just for Carlos, but him too. It wasn't easy to watch his best friend, his secret desire, as the news was reported. One moment they were laughing about one thing and the next, Carlos was in his arms. Crying. His heart broken into a million pieces.
"Baby, please. Eat something." Logan pleaded, laying on the bed behind his best friend, propped up on an elbow to enable him to look down at the angel before him.
"Don't call me that," he finally spoke, his voice low, hoarse and cracked. "He called me that," Carlos sputtered as his body began to shake once more, his tears rushed down his cheeks like a river breaking through a damn and memories of the previous week came flooding back.
"James, please, you can't!" Carlos pleaded with his lover, tears pouring down his cheeks. It was the night after he had had that awful dream and James was packing for his business trip to Europe. Carlos sat on the bed dressed for slumber in his boyfriend's favorite ratty old wife-beater and a pair of flannel pants, refusing to help with the preparations of the business trip.
"Baby, please, we discussed this. I need this trip. We need this trip."
"No we don't, James. All I need is you. We don't need all that money. We're doing fine on our own."
"Look, Carlos, I promised you the perfect life and a perfect life is what you are going to get. Now I'm going and that's final."
"James, please, listen to me. The plane-"
"Is going to be just fine. You're just being paranoid. I'm going to be fine."
"Please, don't leave me, James," Carlos continued to plead through the haze of his tears as he sat against the headboard of their bed, his arms wrapped firmly around his boyfriend's pillow.
"I'll be back in four days. Besides, Logan's coming to town to stay with you. You haven't seen him since he went off to medical school. You two bond and have a great time and I'll be back before you know it."
"No you won't," Carlos mumbled to himself as a fresh stream of tears filled his eyes once more.
James continued to pack in silence as he ran around the room one last time to be sure that he had packed everything he needed. When he was sure he was finished, he closed his suitcase and set it down beside the dresser along with his brief case where he could easily access it early in the morning when he left for his flight.
After removing his work clothes and dressing for the night, James retrieved something from his brief case before crawling into bed beside his lover.
"I got you something," he smiled handing Carlos a small stack of papers.
"What's this?" Carlos asked taking the papers from him and looking through it.
"Our dream home," James smirked.
"You mean the old Victorian on the edge of town?" Carlos asked as he recognized the house that they had been longing for since the owner had died two years ago and the family moved away and decided to sell it.
"That's the one," James smiled. "With the raise I'll be getting from this modeling job, we were finally able to afford it. I've already talked to Logan and he agreed to help you move everything in while I'm gone. Kendall's going to try to stop by and help out too."
Carlos sighed handing the paper back to James, "I don't want it," he grumbled.
"If that's the only reason you want this job, then I don't want it."
"But Baby, you've been dreaming about that house forever."
"Well, then I'll go back to work. With our paychecks combined we'll be able to afford it."
"Baby, no! We both agreed that you were going back to school so you can open up that store you've always wanted, besides you hated your job."
"I don't care. James, please it's this feeling-"
"Feeling Carlos! That's it! It's just a feeling! You're not a god damn fortune teller! It was just a dream," James raised his voice unintentionally. After an entire day of listening about the dream, James had finally had it. He snapped. Causing new tears to spring forth into Carlos' tired, swollen eyes. "Carlos, awe, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell," James quickly changed his tone as he saw the affect it took.
Angered by the outburst, Carlos rolled over to his side, his back to his lover, and cried silently to himself. Ignoring the pleads of forgiveness from his best friend.
All he wanted was for James to be safe. He knew that the dream was just a dream, but he still couldn't get the thought of something happening to him out of his mind. He just wished he could get James to see it. There was just something about it that felt so real.
"I never got to say goodbye," Carlos hiccupped through his tears.
"I know, buddy. I'm sorry," Logan whispered, taking him into his arms, letting him cry himself to sleep once more, while Logan himself shed silent tears.
Author Notes: Thoughts? Should I continue?