Everything Snarky I Know I Learned from Snape
(The Condensed Version)
By Ibex's Lyre
I've decided to post the last two chapters of The Lady of Shalott together. Since I have a lot of work this week, you'll probably have to wait until Friday or Saturday before I have the chance to finish writing them (I'm about half way through Chapter Eight and have done a few paragraphs for Chapter Nine). I hope this tides you over until then.
Hermione Granger looked down from the center of the Staff Table at the crowd before her. They looked like they wanted something good for their pre-graduation dinner speech, and she was going to give it. "Ahem," she gave the customary clearing of her throat and the noise from the crowd died down instantly. McGonagall had a tear in her eye and Dumbledore was smiling benevolently, as was just about every other teacher at the staff table. Hagrid was crying buckets--literally five to six gallon buckets worth of tears all over the table, creating a small lake on the floor directly in front of his seat and giving the house elves a minor crisis to deal with. Snape, however, was giving his most bored put out look ever.
"I'd like to thank you all, Hogwarts Class of 1997, for being so great to me and allowing me to give you this speech. It was a great honor," somebody in the back of the crowd, a Ravenclaw, shouted something about it being Dumbledore's decision, and not theirs, "and I hope my words mean something to you."
Somebody else, she swore it was a Slytherin, shouted, "Get on with it, you cow!" Snape smirked maliciously, while McGonagall looked like she was about to judiciously administer the Killing Curse on the next person who so much as opened their mouth to sneeze.
Hermione continued as if she hadn't heard a word. "I gained a lot of knowledge from these hallowed halls, and it is my hope that you all will listen and what I have to say and takke it to heart. My greatest Professor, the one who taught me all these things is right here, beside me, wishing desperately that I would go to hell." The entire school--staff, student, and shade--blinked once, and looked over at the teacher to her right. A small triumphant smile slowly came across Hermione's face. "Yes, you see, everything snarky I ever knew, I learned from Snape."
Snape looked absolutely, completely shocked. Colin Creevey took a picture.
"From him, I learned that a hex is worth a thousand words--only if you know how to use it. Bastards come and go, but Sirius Black stays the same. If you are a Weasley, or married to one, remember: the Earth is precious and has limited resources. Use birth control as though children were rabid chimeras. Angst can only get you so far in life--dark sex appeal will carry you the rest of the way. Intellect is a wonderful thing which none of you have. If you're not a Slytherin, obviously something is wrong with you. Corollary: If you are a Slytherin, obviously something is wrong with you. If you should ever think of having dirty, kinky sex with a werewolf remember: Dumbledore apparently is omniscient.
"Slytherins: Sex and snakes simply don't mix. Snakes are not well endowed. Ask Voldemort. I believe he calls the act the 'cloacal kiss.' Gryffindors make for obnoxious, loud-mouthed partners. Ever heard a cat in heat? And while we're on the topic of sex, Hufflepuffs, just face it--nobody will ever want you BUT other Hufflepuffs. Deal with your raging (if you could call it that you mundane freaks) hormones (does your body even use chemical impulses, or are you all just zombies?) someplace else. If your name is Neville Longbottom, do the rest of the gene pool a favor and take a vow of celibacy--please just don't breed! Ravenclaws: nobody likes a know-it-all.
"If you ever feel the need to climb highest mountain, go for it! Snape will be there to smirk when you fall flat on your posterior and break your tailbone.
"Silence is golden, so kindly take a tall glass of Shut-Up Juice. Instructions for brewing are on page 666 of the Moste Relevante Potions for Studentes book.
"Ignorance is most certainly not bliss. If it were, then all of you would be in heaven every time you entered the Potions classroom.
"Everybody always drools over Harry Potter, but remember: without Snape, there would be no WIKTT, and without WIKTT, this speech would not exist. Being Draco Malfoy is all fine and good, but don't forget: dark, sexy, and mysterious wins the girls over 99.9% of the time. That other .1% is a statistical error. Always have friends like Colin Creevey, and keep them close by you at all times. If need be, you can jump behind them and use them as a human shield. Girls, remember: no Slytherin likes a crybaby. And Snape just doesn't like babies. Never underestimate the usefulness of a muggle. They're gullible, stupid, and make the most entertaining butts of jokes because they are gullible and stupid. And when in doubt, remember, Snape has already preemptively disapproved anything you do, so you might as well just not do it. That includes your existence in his presence at this very moment.
"Always wear black. For one thing, it makes you mysterious. For another, it's a whole lot harder to tell whether that's a wand in your pocket, or merely a banana.
"Smiling causes wrinkles. So does glaring. But glaring is a whole hell of a lot easier than smiling.
"Please all of you refrain from doing something that would cause you to go to hell. Snape simply doesn't want to have to torture you for the rest of eternity as well. In addition, kindly refrain from shouting the words, "Oh, God!" out loud. First, Snape doesn't want to have to hear you. Secondly, he says 'Professor' works just as well.
"If at first you don't succeed, it's quite obvious you're a dunderhead. If you try again anyway, then you are a Gryffindor and there is no hope for you. Finally, you may be a greasy git, but you're not sexy if you're not Sevvi.