I know you care
I know it's always been there
But there's trouble ahead, I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care
He knows he can't push her.
It's been weeks, and he's leaving soon, but he refuses to invade her life again without her express permission to do so. Saying it's been hard was the understatement of the year, the understatement of his entire life. Graham had quit bringing it up after the first week, knowing that it wasn't doing any good anymore, that Killian wasn't going to do anything about it for fear of hurting her even more.
But she had said that he hadn't hurt her. It must be a lie. Those walls had shot back up so fast his head nearly spun, and the way it happened was nothing like he'd imagined. He would have preferred she scream at him, tell him how hurt she was. Instead, she hadn't raised her voice once since he showed her his phone, and he was left wondering just when, if ever, she would let it all out. Would it be to him? To August? Or would she keep it all in like she always did?
It was an endless torture, one that he had brought upon himself.
He was able to keep it out of his work for the most part, though those scenes where he needed to pull from somewhere to really garner the anguish required, he nailed it. And the closer to the end of shooting he got, the more anguish he felt. He couldn't care less about the movie or the new friends he'd made, all he cared about was that he would no longer be in the same city as Emma. Even though he'd already made up his mind to stay away unless he heard from her, at least she was close. If she wanted to see him, he was there. Once he left, he was fairly certain that would really be the end.
Time was running out.
From the beginning, Emma had thought it was too good to be true. Ruby had told her that she just wanted something to go wrong, and maybe that was true.
When she got home that morning, she had gone straight to bed and cried. She hadn't cried since, but it was at least an action that let her know she could feel again. It had been real. Emma did not cry often, couldn't even remember the last time, but she cried that day. And then promptly shut it all off. No more tears. Just a whole lot of thinking and wondering.
She realized what an idiot she'd been. Every time Killian wanted to talk, it wasn't necessarily because he wanted her to give him more…he wanted to tell her truth. There were so many times that she'd derailed his plan of action because she was worried it would lead to her having to spill her guts about all the things that had gone wrong in her life, but all she had done was delay him telling her about who he really was, something she deemed pretty damn important. But Emma couldn't blame herself for this. He could have still told her, and he should have still told her sooner.
This internal struggle she was having was tearing her apart. She loved him. She knew how infuriatingly difficult it was to have things about yourself that you don't know how to tell someone you care about because you're afraid of how they'll react. What he did was wrong, but damn it, who cares? He was protecting her and most importantly, protecting Henry. Could she really ignore all of the wonderful qualities he had now?
The pro and con lists had to stop.
So much time had passed that Emma wasn't even sure it was worth it to try and salvage their relationship anymore. Killian hadn't reached out to her, her friends had stopped talking about it, and she was back to going through the motions, living her life the way she had before he'd walked into the bar and turned her life upside down. There was always a deep ache, however. Even when she wasn't thinking about him, the hole he left in her heart made itself known. There was no getting over it.
August had told her that was the only way — move on, forget about him, get over it. But as angry as he had been to learn Killian was lying, he couldn't deny the change in Emma that had been brought about as a result of being with him…and the loss of hope in her eyes now that she wasn't. There had even been a few times he'd wanted to fix things, but he had no idea how, and so he left it alone, knowing Emma wouldn't appreciate any interference in the matter.
Ruby tried to cheer her up until it became a lost cause. Emma steeled herself against all emotion around everyone, not allowing anyone to see her upset, Henry included. Explaining to him that Killian wasn't coming around anymore had been awful. She hadn't given him much detail, and he didn't press her, but she had a feeling that he felt the loss, too. It killed her because from the beginning, her main concern had been Henry. A guy breaking her heart was one thing. A guy also breaking her son's heart? Unthinkable. Yet, here they were.
"Mom, are you okay?" Henry came into her room, slowly pushing the door open. He was carrying a mug of hot cocoa.
"Oh, hey, yeah, I'm fine." She sat up quickly, glancing at the clock and realizing she'd been laying there for far too long.
"You never take naps. I brought you a snack."
God, she loved him so much, always trying to take care of her lately.
"Thanks, kid. I forgot you got home early from school today." She patted the space beside her on the bed, and Henry jumped up after setting down the mug.
"Do you wanna go to the park?" He didn't necessarily care if they went anywhere, he just wanted to get Emma out of the house. He knew she'd been in bed all day, knew that a light had gone out in her since Killian stopped coming around, but he had only tried to cheer her up, never actually bringing up the topic.
"Uh, maybe a little later. I should really get some laundry done, but I promise we'll do something. I'm sorry I was a little lazy today." She should have remembered he got home early, should have actually done the chores she needed to so they could spend some time together. The days were all blending together lately, and it was hard to focus, and now Henry was noticing. Had he been noticing?
"It's okay, you needed the rest," he said with a small smile. "Do you still miss him?"
The question caught her off guard. Henry hadn't spoken to her about Killian since the first couple days.
"I don't think we should —"
"Come on, I know you do. I miss him."
"Okay, maybe I do miss him, but it doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters! When you love someone, you don't give up."
"Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone lies. Sometimes I tell you I brushed my teeth, but I really just ran my toothbrush under the water."
Emma smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes. "Kid, it's not that simple."
"It is that simple. He loves you, and you love him, and you're supposed to be together."
There was only silence from Emma in response.
"Forgive him, Mom."
Those three words coming from him sounded so easy. The most honest person in her life telling her that she should forgive Killian almost made her want to run to his hotel room right then. Unfortunately, she couldn't do that. Just the thought of it made panic rise within her. It all felt so silly, yet it had happened, and she had walked away. She had walked away from the one good thing to come along since she birthed Henry, and she was too afraid to confront that that had possibly been a mistake.
"You know what…I do want to go to the park. I could use some ice cream." Forcing a smile, she picked up the hot cocoa and took a sip, the cinnamon flavor calming her from the inside out. "Let me finish this, and we'll go, okay?"
Henry didn't mind the change of subject. It told him all he needed to know. "Okay, I'll go get my shoes on." He hopped off the bed, pausing in the doorway to say, "I love you."
"Love you, too, kid."
They spent the rest of the day together, Emma pushing all thoughts of anything else out of her mind. It was only when she arrived at home that he crept back in, her heart clenching as she recalled her conversation with Henry. You're supposed to be together. Forgive him.
Next thing she knew…she was on the phone.
"August, I need you to come stay with Henry."
A/N: Glad you stuck with it! Loved all the comments saying you still wanted to read this! ^_^ I tried to make it a decent length without it taking me too long to write. I already know what I want for the next chapter, so it should hopefully be up soon.