The Misadventures of Percy's Diary
"Hey look! I found something in one of Percy's stuff!"Dionsyus announced.
All the gods and goddesses gathered around. Dionsyus picked up a note and read:
Mom decided to invite me to England. So I might not come to Camp Halfblood this week. Whatever you, DO NOT open these books.
"Well, who should go first?"Hermes asked.
"Whoa, can you read? Percy said to NOT open these books."Poseidon warned.
"Come on, brother. It's easy. Percy will come back in a few weeks. In those days, we can finally know the whole story of Percy. Then, he won't know."Hermes said. Zeus nodded.
"I say we give it a try."Zeus commented. Poseidon grabbed the book.
"The Lightning Thief."
"What kind of kid would make a title for his diary?"Hermes asked. "We haven't even started yet and you already commented?"Zeus asked sarcastically. Hermes just kept quiet.
"Chapter 1: I Accidentaly Vaporized My Math Teacher"
"Whoa."was all Athena could say.
Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood. If your reading this because you think you might be one, my advice is: close this book right now. Believe whatever lie your mom or dad told you about your birth, and try to lead a normal life.
Poseidon frowned at this.
Being a half-blood is dangerous. It's scary. Most of the time it gets you killed in painful, nasty ways.
"True..."all of the gods and goddessess said.
If you're a normal kid, reading this because you think it's fiction, great. Read on. I envy you for being able to believe that none of this never happened.
But if you recognize yourself in these pages - if you feel something stirring inside - stop reading immediately. You might be one of us. And once you know that, it's only a matter of time before they sense it to, and they'll come for you.
"Alright, goodbye!"Dionsyus exclaimed, leaving.
"Where are you going?"Artemis asked.
"Well, I'm going. Percy said to stop reading and I'm going to throw all my books away."Dionsyus said. His reward was a smack from Artemis.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
"You didn't warn us."Apollo said. Artemis gave him a "Stop-now-or-I'll-make-you" glance. Apollo groaned.
My name is Percy Jackson.
"Isn't it obvious?"Ares asked.
"Ares can read? This is the worst day of my life!"Dionsyus exclaimed. Artemis smacked him again. Dionsyus winced in pain.
I'm twelve years old.
"I think he wrote this four years ago."Athena said.
Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy,a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.
Am I a troubled kid?
"Well, you are."Apollo responded. Artemis elbowed him.
"Why did I have a twin like this...?"Artemis muttered to herself. Everyone (except for Apollo) heard her and agreed for some reason.
Yeah. You could say that.
Artemis was shocked. Apollo smiled. It looks like he took his revenge.
I could start at any point in my short miserable life to prove it, but things really started to go bad last May, when our sixth-grade class took a field trip to Manhattan - twenty-eight mental-case kids and two teacher on a yellow school bus, heading to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to look at ancient Greek and Roman stuff.
I better give him a quiz. Athena thought.
"Sounds like torture."Poseidon said.
I know - it sounds like torture.
"Like father, like son."Athena said. Poseidon blushed.
Most Yancy field trips were.
"Poor kid..."Hera mumbled.
But Mr. Brunner, our Latin teacher, was leading this trip, so I had hopes. Mr. Brunner was this middle-aged guy in a motorized wheelchair. He had thinning hair and a scruffy beard and a frayed tweed jacket, which always smelled like coffee.
"Hey Chiron! Get here!"Athena exclaimed.
"Come on, you're here."Artemis said. Chiron read the paragraph and smiled. But frowned a bit because Percy said that he smelled like coffee.
You wouldn't think he'd be cool, but he told stories and jokes and let us play games in class. He also had this awesome collection of Roman armour and weapons, so he was the only teacher whose class didn't put me to sleep.
Chiron smiled. At least Percy liked his class.
I hoped the trip would be okay. At least, I hoped that for once I wouldn't get in trouble.
Boy was I wrong.
"Okay, I'm outta here."Ares said.
"NO!"The rest exclaimed. Ares sat down and grumbled to himself.
See, bad things happen to me on field trips. Like at my fifth-grade school, when we went to the Saratoga battlefield, I had this accident with a Revolution War cannon. I wasn't aiming for the school bus, but of course I got expelled anyway.
"Percy Jackson: Bad luck at fieldtrips. Don't even think about bringing him."Hermes said. That earned a glance from Poseidon. Hermes whistled.
And before that, at my fourth-grade school, when we took a behind-the scenes tour of the Marine World shark pool, I sort of hit the wrong lever on the catwalk and our class took an unplanned swim.
Poseidon sighed. At least Percy can breathe underwater.
And before that... Well, you get the idea.
"Does this guy learn how to use an eraser?"Apollo asked.
"Did you even notice this kid is using a ballpen?"Artemis asked back. "Well, he should have a pencil next time."Apollo said. Artemis pushed him.
This trip I was determined to be good.
"Good luck."Hades mumbled.
All the way into the city, I put up with Nancy Bobofit, the freckly red-headed kleptomaniac girl, hitting my best friend Grover, in the back of the head with chunks of peanut butter-and-ketchup sandwich.
This time, all of Mount Olympus had gross looks.
"This is gross!"Apollo exclaimed. For once, Artemis had to agree wtih him.
Grover was an easy target. He was scrawny. He cried when he got frustrated. He must've been held back several grades, because he was the only sixth grader with acne and the start of a wispy beard on his chin. On top of that he was had a note excusing him from PE the rest of his life because he had some kind of muscular disease in his legs. He walked funny, like every step hurt him, but don't let that fool you. You should've seen him run when it was enchilada day in the cafeteria.
"So this how Grover acts..."Dionsyus mumbled. Next time, he would call for Grover to his office.
Anyway, Nancy Bobofit was throwing wads of sandwich that stuck in his curly brown hair, and she knew I couldn't do anything back to her because I was already on probation. The headmaster had threatened me with death...
Oh no, please don't kill my son. Poseidon thought. Shivers ran down through his spine.
death-buy-in-school-suspension if anything bad, embarrassing, or even mildly entertaining happened on this trip.
Not so bad...Poseidon thought and the shivers stopped.
"I'm going to kill her," I mumbled.
"Then do it!"Ares exclaimed. Everyone looked at Ares.
Ares just looked around, as if he doesn't know where he is.
Grover tried to calm me down. "It's okay. I like peanut butter."
"I thought Grover has an allergy to it."Athena said.
"This kid needs lying lessons."Dionysius said. THe rest had to agree.
He dodged another piece of Nancy's lunch. "That's it." I started to get up, but Grover pulled me back to my seat.
"You're already on probation," he reminded me. "you know who'll get blamed if anything happens." Looking back on it, I wish I'd decked Nancy Bobofit right then and there. In-school suspension would've been nothing compared to the mess I was about to get myself into.
"He should have just killed her."Hades mumbled.
He gathered us around a four-meter-tall stone column with a big sphinx on top, and started telling us how it was a grave marker, a stele, for a girl about our age. He told us about the carvings on the side. I was trying to listen to what he had to say, because it was kind of interesting, but everybody around me was talking, and every time I told them to shut up, the other teacher chaperone, Mrs. Dodds, would give me the evil eye.
"Oh look what we have here, the mother of Nancy Bobofit."Apollo said sarcastically. Artemis face-palmed.
Mrs. Dodds was this little maths teacher from Georgia who always wore a black leather jacket, even though she was fifty years old. She looked mean enough to ride a Harley right into your locker.
"Wow...worse than Kronos."Zeus said. The rest shuddered.
She had come to Yancy halfway through the year, when our last math's teacher had a nervous breakdown.
"And all because of Percy."Ares said. Poseidon attacked him with his water powers. Ares dodged.
From her first day, Mrs. Dodds loved Nancy Bobofit and figured I was devil spawn. She would point her crooked finger at me and say, "Now, honey," real sweet, and I knew I was going to get after-school detention for a month. One time, after she'd made me erase answers out of old maths workbooks until midnight, I told Grover I didn't think Mrs. Dodds was human. He looked at me real serious and said, "You're absolutely right."
"Wow, did this guy comes from opposite town?"Athena asked. Only Artemis agreed.
Mr. Brunner kept talking about Greek funeral art. Finally, Nancy Bobofit snickered something about the naked guy on the stele, and I turned around and said, "Will you shut up?" It come out louder than I ment it to.
The whole group laughed. Mr. Brunner stopped his story.
"Mr. Jackson,' he said, "did you have a comment?"
My face was totally red. I said, "No, sir."
Mr. Brunner pointed to one of the pictures on the stele.
"Perhaps you'll tell us what this picture represents?"
I looked at the carvings, and felt a flush of relief, because I actually recognized it. "That's Kronos eating his kids, right?"
All the kids of Kronos shuddered.
"This kid is killing me!"Hermes exclaimed. Then, they all turned to Chiron.
"Mrs. Dodds was watching me!"Then, he shuddered.
"Yes," Mr. Brunner said, obviously not satisfied. 'And he did this because..."
"Well...," I racked my brain to remember. "Kronos was the king god, and -"
"Did he say god?!"Zeus brought out a lightning bolt. The rest held him down.
"God?" Mr. Brunner asked.
"Titan," I corrected myself. "And... he didn't trust his kids, who were the gods. So, um, Kronos ate them, right? But his wife hid baby Zeus, and gave Kronos a rock to eat instead."
"That's because you looked like a rock!"Then, Poseidon did a high-five with Hermes. Zeus groaned.
"-And later, when Zeus grew up, he tricked his dad, Kronos, into barfing up his brothers and sisters -"
"Eww!" said one of the girls behind me.
"I would like to see her inside Kronos' stomach! It was like cramp!"Ares exclaimed.
"-and so there was this big fight between the gods and the Titans," I continued, "and the gods won."
"But unfortunately, we had the worst childhood."Hermes complained.
Some snickers from the group.
Behind me Nancy Bobofit mumbled to a friend, "Like we're going to use this in real life. Like it's going to say on our job applications, "Please explain why Kronos ate his kids"
"And why, Mr. Jackson," Brunner said, "to paraphrase Miss. Bobofit's excellent question, does this matter in real life?"
Before everyone could glance at him, Chiron exclaimed, "Mrs. Dodds's fault!"
"Busted."Ares and Apollo said.
"Busted," Grover muttered.
"I think you two are siblings."Artemis commented.
"Can we continue?!"Hera exclaimed. The twins remained silent.
"Shut up," Nancy hissed, her face even brighter red than her hair. At least Nancy got in trouble, too. Mr. Brunner was the only one who ever caught her saying anything wrong. He had radar ears.
"Take that Bobofit!"Ares exclaimed with pride.
I thought about his question, and shrugged. "I don't know, sir."
"I see."Mr. Brunner looked disappointed. "Well, half credit, Mr. Jackson. Zeus did indeed feed Kronos a mixture of mustard and wine, which made him disgorge his other five children, who, of course, being immortal gods, had been living and growing up completely undigested in the Titan's stomach. The gods defeated their father, sliced him to pieces with his own scythe, and scattered his remains in Tartarus, the darkest part of the Underworld. On that happy note, it's time for lunch. Mrs. Dodds, would you lead us back outside?"
Chiron took a step backward.
The class drifted off, the girls holding their stomachs, the guys pushing each other around and acting like doofuses.
"All guys are doofuses."Artemis said.
The goddessess agreed.
Grover and I were about to follow when Mr. Brunner said, "Mr. Jackson."
I knew that was coming. I told Grover to keep going. then I turned towards Mr. Brunner. "Sir?"
Mr. Brunner had this look that wouldn't let you go - intense brown eyes that could've been a thousand years old and had seen everything.
"You must learn the answer to my question," Mr. Brunner told me.
"About the Titans?"
"About real life. And how your studies apply to it."
"What you learn from me," he said, "is vitally important. I expect you to treat it as such. I will accept only the best from you, Percy Jackson."
I wanted to get angry, this guy pushed me so hard.
"Not that much!"Chiron exclaimed. But the rest agreed with Percy.
I mean, sure, it was kind of cool on tournament days, when he dressed up in a suit of Roman armour and shouted: "What ho!" and challenged us, sword-point against chalk, to run to the board and name every Greek and Roman person who had ever lived, and their mother, and what god they worshipped.
"So this might be the reason why Percy doesn't fall asleep in Chiron's class."
Poseidon owes Chiron big time.
But Mr. Brunner expected me to be as good as everybody else, despite the fact I have dyslexia and attention deficit disorder and I have never made above a C- in my life. No - he didn't expect me to be as good: he expected me to be better. And I just couldn't learn all those name and facts, much less spell them correctly.
"But wasn't Percy's highest grade in Science was B-?"Athena asked.
"Maybe it didn't happen yet."Hestia said.
I mumbled something about trying harder, while Mr. Brunner took one long sad look at the stele, like he'd been at this girl's funeral.
"I wasn't! I swear!"Chiron exclaimed.
He told me to go outside and eat my lunch. The class gathered on the front steps of the museum, where we could watch the foot traffic along Fifth Avenue. Overhead, a huge storm was brewing, with clouds blacker than I'd ever seen over the city.
All glanced at Zeus.
I figured maybe it was global warming or something, because the weather all across New York State has been weird since Christmas. We'd had massive snowstorms, flooding, wildfires from lightning strikes. I wouldn't have been surprised if this was a hurricane blowing in.
"We've got to stop fighting..."Poseidon mumbled.
Nobody else seemed to notice. Some of the guys were pelting pigeons with Lunchables cracker.
Nancy Bobofit was trying to pickpocket something from a lady's purse, and, of course, Mrs. Dodds wasn't seeing a thing. Grover and I sat on the edge of the fountain, away from the others. We thought that maybe if we did that, everybody wouldn't know we were from that school - the school for loser freaks who couldn't make it elsewhere.
Ares secretly agreed. The rest frowned.
"Detention?" Grover asked.
"Nah," I said. "Not from Mr. Brunner. I just wish he'd lay off me sometime. I mean - I'm not a genius."
Grover didn't say anything for awhile. Then, when I thought he was going to give me some deep philosophical comment to make me feel better, he said, "Can I have your apple?"
The rest face-palmed.
"That wasn't helping."Athena mumbled.
I didn't have much of an appetite. so I let him take it. I watched the stream of cabs going down Fifth Avenue, and tought about my mom's apartment, only a little ways uptown from were we sat. I hadn't seen her since Christmas.
I wanted so bad to jump in a taxi and head home.
She'd hug me and be glad to see me, but she'd be disappointed, too. She'd send me right back to Yancy, remind me that I had to try harder, even if this was my sixth school in six years and I was probably going to be kicked out again. I wouldn't be able to stand that sad look she'd give me.
Poseidon smiled...but frowned. Aphrodite just made a beat.
"Quit it!"Artemis exclaimed. Aphrodite just looked down.
Mr. Brunner parked his wheelchair at the base of the handicapped ramp. He ate celery while he read a paperback novel. A red umbrella stuck up from the back of his chair, making it look like a motorized café table.
I was about to unwrap my sandwich when Nancy Bobofit appeared in front of me with her ugly friends - I guess she'd gotten tired of stealing from the tourists - and dumped her half-eaten lunch in Grover's lap.
"Oops."She grinned at me with her crooked teeth. Her freckles were orange, as if somebody had spray-painted her face with liquid Cheetos.
"So sweet."Aphrodite said. THe rest stared at her as if she really needs to go to a mental hospital.
I tried to stay cool. The school counsellor had told me a million times, 'Count to ten, get control of your temper.' But I was so mas my mind went blank. A wave roared in my ears. I don't remember touching her, but the next thing I knew Nancy was sitting on her butt in the fountain, screaming, 'Percy pushed me!'
Mrs. Dodds materialized next to us.
Some of the kids were whispering:
'Did you see - the water - like it grabbed her -"
"POSEIDON! YOU BROKE THE OATH!"Zeus and Hades exclaimed.
"That was a long time ago!"Poseidon exclaimed.
I didn't know what they were talking about. All I knew was that I was in trouble again. As soon as Mrs. Dodds was sure poor little Nancy was okay, promising to get her a new shirt at the museum gift shop, etc., etc., Mrs. Dodds turned on me. There was a triumphant fire in her eyes, as if I'd done something she'd been waiting for all semester. "Now, honey -"
"I know," I grumbled. "A month of erasing workbooks."
"Moral of the story: Never guess your punishment. Well, good-"
"DIONYSUS!"Everybody exclaimed. Dionysus just sat down and crossed him arms.
"Come with me," Mrs. Dodds said.
"Wait!" Grover yelped. "It was me. I pushed her."
I stared at him stunned. I couldn't believe he was trying to cover for me. Mrs. Dodds scared Grover to death.
Now, Poseidon owes Grover bigger than Chiron.
She glared at him so hard his whiskery chin trembled.
"I don't think so, Mr. Underwood," she said.
"You - will - stay - here."
Grover looked at me desperately.
"It's okay, man," I told him. "Thanks for trying."
"Honey," Mrs. Dodds barked at me. "Now."
Nancy Bobofit smirked.
I gave her my deluxe I'll-kill-you-later stare.
"When he's mad, he's twice as scary as Poseidon."Ares remarked. Poseidon gave his deluxe 'I'll-kill-you-if-its-the-last-thing-I'll-do' stare.
Ares just looked up.
I then turned to face Mrs. Dodds, but she wasn't there. She was standing at the museum entrance, way at the top of the steps, gesturing impatiently at me to come on. How'd she get there so fast?
The only sound from the room were Poseidon's whimpers.
The school counsellor told me this was part of the ADHD, my brain misinterpreting things.
I wasn't so sure.
I went after Mrs. Dodds.
Halfway up the steps, I glanced back at Grover. He was looking pale, cutting his eyes between me and Mr. Brunner, like he wanted Mr. Brunner to notice what was going on, but Mr. Brunner was absorbed in his novel.
Then, Chiron ran out.
I looked back up. Mrs. Dodds had disappeared again. She was now inside the building, at the end of the entrance hall.
Okay, I thought. She's going to make me buy a new shirt for Nancy at the gift shop.
"Talk about harsh punishments for a girl without hygenie. I mean, honestly, how does she react at menstruation?"Aphrodite asked.
The rest didn't even dare to answer.
But apparently that wasn't the plan.
I followed her deeper into the museum. When I finally caught up to her, we were back in the Greek and Roman section. Expect for us, the gallery was empty.
Mrs. Dodds stood with her arms crossed in front of a big marble frieze of the Greek gods. She was making this weird noise in her troath, like growling.
Even without the noise, I would've been nervous. It's weird being alone with a teacher, especially Mrs. Dodds.
Something about the way she looked at the freeze, as if she wanted to pulverize it...
"Please no, please no..."Poseidon repeated.
"You've been giving us problems, honey," she said.
I did the safe thing. I said, "Yes, ma'am."
Hera smiled and clapped.
She tugged on the cuffs of her leather jacket. "Did you really think you would get away with it?"
The look in her eyes was beyond mad. It was evil. She's a teacher, I thought nervously. it's not like she's going to hurt me.
I said, "I'll - I'll try harder, ma'am."
Thunder shook the building.
Everyone looked at Zeus.
"I was...thundering."Zeus said. Thundering meant watering thunder plants. But they knew he was lying.
"We are not fools, Percy Jackson," Mrs. Dodds said. "it was only a matter of time before we found you out. Confess, and you will suffer less pain."
I didn't know what she was talking about.
All I could think of was that the teachers must've found the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room.
"Aw, I'm hungry."Dionysius complained.
Or maybe they'd realized I got my essay on Tom Sawyer from the Internet without ever reading the book and now they were going to take away my grade. Or worse, they were going to make me read the book.
"This guy needs to read more..."Athena said.
"Well?" she demanded.
"Ma'am, I don't..."
"Your time is up," she hissed. Then the weirdest thing happened. Her eyes began to glow like barbecue coals. Her fingers stretched, turning into talons. Her jacket melted into large, leathery wings. She wasn't human. She was a shrivelled hag with bat wings and a mouth full of yellow fangs, and she was about to slice me to ribbons.
"You sent a fury after my son."Then, realization hit him. "YOU SENT A FURY AFTER MY SON?!"
Water shook Hades. Everyone had to hold him down.
"Calm down, I'm sure he survived. If he didn't, Kronos will get us."Hermes said.
"A fury...after my son..."
Then, things got even stranger. Mr. Brunner, who'd been out in front of the museum a minute before, wheeled his chair into the doorway of the gallery, holding a pen in his hand.
"What ho, Percy!" he shouted, and tossed the pen through the air.
Mrs. Dodds lunged at me.
With a yelp, I dodged and felt talons slash the air next to my ear.
Poseidon almost fainted. He can't believe that Percy wrote it.
I snatched the ballpoint pen out of the air, but when it hit my hand, it wasn't a pen any more. It was a sword - Mr. Brunner's bronze sword, which he always used on tournament day.
Mrs. Dodds spun towards me with a murderous look in her eyes.
My knees were jelly. My hands were shaking so bad I almost dropped the sword.
"Wimp."Ares said. That earned a smack from Artemis.
She snarled, "Die, honey!"
"I'll never be able to say the word 'honey' again."
The gods agreed. The goddesses rolled their eyes.
And she flew straight at me. Absolute terror ran through my body. I did the only thing that came naturally: I swung the sword.
The metal blade hit her shoulder and passed clean through her body as if she were made of water. Hiss!
Mrs. Dodds was a sand castle in a power fan. She exploded into yellow dust, vaporized on the spot, leaving nothing but the smell of sulphur and a dying screech and a chill of evil in the air, as if those two glowing red eyes were still watching me.
"He's safe! Yes!"Poseidon exclaimed.
Everything was silent.
"Overreacting."Ares said. Poseidion still gave him that stare.
There was a ballpoint pent in my hand.
Mr. Brunner wasn't there. Nobody was there but me.
My hands were still trembling. My lunch must've been contaminated with magic mushrooms or something.
Apollo spewed the mushrooms out.
Had I imagined the whole thing?
I went back outside.
It had started to rain.
Grover was sitting by the fountain, a museum map tented over his head. Nancy Bobofit was still standing there, soaked from her swim in the fountain, grumbling to her ugly friends. When she saw me, she said, "I hope Mrs. Kerr whipped your butt."
I said, "Who?"
"Our teacher. Duh!"
I blinked. We had no teacher named Mrs. Kerr. I asked Nancy what she was talking about. She just rolled her eyes and turned away.
I asked Grover where Mrs. Dodds was.
He said, "Who?"
But he paused first, and he wouldn't look at me, so I thought he was messing with me.
"Extra lying lessons."Dionysius mumbled.
"Not funny, man," I told him. "This is serious."
Thunder boomed overhead.
I saw Mr. Brunner sitting under his red umbrella, reading his book, as if he never moved.
I went over to him.
He looked up, a little distracted. "Ah, that would be my pen. Please bring your own writing utensil in the future, Mr. Jackson."
"What if it never works?"Athena asked.
I handed it over. I hadn't even realized I was still holding it.
"Sir," I said, "where's Mrs. Dodds?"
He stared at me blankly. "Who?"
"The other chaperone. Mrs. Dodds. The math teacher. You saw her turn to a fury, right?"
He frowned and sat forward, looking mildly concerned.
"Percy, there is no Mrs. Dodds on this trip. As far as I know, there has never been a Mrs. Dodds at Yancy Academy. Are you feeling all right?"
"Who wants to read the next chapter?"Poseidon asked.
"Why are you reading my diary?"
Then, they saw Percy. He had scars, wounds and was soaked.