*This story take place after the incident with Leila in the apartment, but before the incident with Jack. It has been a month since then and Christian has been distant.*
"What happened Christian?" I stared at him through watery eyes.
" Please Ana, please. Let me speak. I have to tell you this."
"Please what? Tell me what?"
I took a seat on the couch because I couldnt bear to stand anymore. I knew what he would say. I knew what was coming, and yet I was mentally begging him that he didnt do this to me. Looking at him, I could tell that he was going through some internal dilemma. I didnt care, he was going to talk to me this time. I wasnt crazy, I wasnt making it up in my head. I know what I know. I couldnt hold it in anymore. I beat him to the punch.
"Christian, please just for once, just tell me the truth. Let me know. Is there somebody else?"
Again still nothing.
"CHRISTIAN! TELL ME!"
His head snaps up and he is looking through me. I can see the pain in his eyes, but I can feel the pain in my heart. Here it comes.
"Yes Ana. Yes ok. There has been someone else. I wish there wasnt but there is."
"Do you love her?"
"No. I dont love her Ana, but I needed her. Its been so difficult for me to change, so difficult. And I thought I could. And I have been. But just with all the deals going south and Im always away and your always..."
"Always what, Christian?'
"Perfect. You think its easy for me to be me, this dark and twisted villian when your so superior? Im this horrible and selfish man who wants nothing more then to beat the living shit out you and fuck. I cant bear it sometimes. Your always so head strong and uncompromissing, and so godly. Its hard to be something your not."
I stared at him in absoulute shock. In his mind his infidelity was my fault, my undoing. I just wasnt able to process it. I didnt know what to do. If I stayed, I would just be accepting it and allowing it, but if I left I would wound him and myself.
"I have given you everything. Everything of me; my body, my mind and my heart. And no matter what I do it will never be good enough, will it?"
The silence was so deffening. I would have welcomed all the fighting and screaming and swearing, because I knew then that there was still something to fight for. It would have meant more than just standing here staring into his defeated eyes. But this silence said it all. It said more then he ever would. And it stung more then if he had slapped me.
" Thats just it. Isnt it Christian? Im not good enough for you."
"No Ana. Im not good enough for you. I cant change something I have been my whole life. I cant be this heart and flowers guy and I know thats what you deserve. But Im a selfish man, and It would destroy me if we ever parted."
"But I love you. And I thought you loved me."
"I do. But would you still stay here doing the I want? I need that right now. And I need you. And I cant live without both of you. Im sorry I hurt you, Im sorry I betrayed you."
"It feels like you should have just let me go the first time, and not crushed me again."
"What do you mean Ana? We can work through this. We can figure this out. I didnt want this to be a secret anymore. I didnt want to keep lying to you. And I... I needed your help. I need you..."
"And what I need is time. I need to be able to be myself and not feel like its a crime."
I get up, grab my coat and head for the elevator. In my head, I was planning on walking away calmly and mature like, but my heart wouldnt let me. I could feel it bubbling up and was about to tip me over the edge. I reached the elevator when the dam broke.
"You know Chrisitian, Im here. Me. Not her. I was here fighting for us this whole time. I knew something was up with you weeks ago, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. And I thought highly enough of you to think you wouldnt cheat, but come to me. Run into these arms. I was trying so hard to be what you wanted. If you just waited, I would have tried more, then we would have been more. But no, you wanted us as nothing."
"What does that mean Ana?" I could hear he was close behind me. He obviously had followed me but had the sense not to touch me.
"It means from now on you, Chrisitian Grey, wont hurt my heart anymore."
And with that, I stepped into the elevator for a second time, alone and brokenhearted.