Disclaimer: Burn Notice doesn't belong to me unfortunately. If it did we wouldn't be having our hearts ripped out and stomped on right now!
A/N: Thank you to everyone who has sent reviews, favoured and PM'd about my past stories. I really do appreciate all of your comments. I have been very busy with RL and not had the time to write as much as I would like to.
Special thanks to Purdy's Pal and JediSkysinger for reading through this for me and for making me smile every single day. Extra thanks to JediSkysinger for giving this a BETA even though she's very busy… and lastly much love to DaisyDay. We're all thinking of you
This is a one shot based around that final scene in 7x06
He wanted to scream out at the world and curse the universe for tearing his life apart. There wasn't any going back this time, not after he'd taken the final step over his pain to fall into bed with someone else… it was truly over now…
The warm body beside him gave him a tiny spark of comfort, but it didn't give him that serene perfect afterglow that he'd only ever experienced with one other person. If he had been totally honest with himself, this was a classic case of not knowing what he'd had until he lost it… and he had truly lost it…
Clenching his eyes closed, Michael tried to purge the images of his lost lover out of his mind. She had moved on without him and, even though it hurt, in some small way he did understand. His career as a spy had always overtaken every other aspect of his life. He hadn't meant to fall in love and become so enthralled with another human being; he hadn't intended to lay eyes on the beautiful Irish woman and lose his heart… but lost it he had.
Images of Ireland flashed inside his mind, causing him to involuntary pull the woman's body closer towards him. He tried to blank out the memory of Fiona's touch, knowing that the warmth spreading into his skin felt all too alien. It wasn't Fiona's warmth that encased his body or soothed his senses, it wasn't Fiona's scent that invaded his mind with the tender, loving strokes and it wasn't Fiona's heart that beat in synchronisation with his. She was gone, ripped away from him before he'd even had a chance to explain… and he was lost.
Opening his eyes, he swallowed down the lump that was stuck in his throat and constricted his breath. The wall of sorrow that he hid behind was aching to break past his walls, to burst free in a tidal wave of sobs. He wanted to scream out at the world and curse the universe for tearing his life apart. There wasn't any going back this time, not after he'd taken the final step over his pain to fall into bed with someone else… it was truly over now…
Tears swam in his eyes, but he blinked them away before they could emerge. He hadn't given Fiona many reasons to trust him in the last few years, he knew that. He'd made promise after promise only to break them every single time. But when they had been in Panama, he'd actually meant it. He wanted to live a life with her, far away from where they were now. But it had all crumbled away after he'd lost control and killed his former mentor.
Sonya moved beside him, rolling from his side to turn away from his body. Glancing across at her, he allowed his eyes to linger over her blonde unkempt hair and forced his feelings of betrayal from his mind.
Fiona's actions a few days earlier had shown him that she wasn't totally over him like she'd insisted she was. He'd felt the spark between them and the hypnotic pull of their bodies as they craved one another's touch. Those few seconds he'd held her had erased all of the pain, taking it all away in a heartbeat, only to be replaced with utter sorrow when she'd pulled away. She still loved him, they both knew it and, if she gave him a chance, he knew he wouldn't mess it up again. He wouldn't take her love for granted or put work before her. He would take her anywhere she wanted to go and start a new life with her… he'd—
Sonya sighed in her sleep, the sound bringing him back to reality with a powerful jolt. Whatever chance he may have had with Fiona had been all but lost now. How could he blame her for moving on to another man when he had done the same thing? He'd pulled Sonya into his arms in a desperate need for comfort as well as establishing his cover. He'd given in to that driven power behind his needs and lost himself in someone else. He just wished that he could erase the dread that was building in the pit of his stomach. But it weighed him down, filling his heart with darkness and sorrow. There was no way of erasing his actions; it was far too late for that now. All he could do was keep doing his job and tell himself that this would all be over some day.
Maybe when this was all finally over he would be able to move on and sleep without the nightmares that constantly plagued his dreams. Maybe…
Fiona stared up at the ceiling, her eyes tracing the cracks that had formed in the plaster above her head. Her heart ached and her mind refused to allow her any kind of sleep.
Going back to the loft had dredged up all those memories she'd desperately tried to bury. But, with just one moment, they had all flooded back. Going back inside the burned out shell that had once been her home, she couldn't decide whether the tears that pooled in her eyes now were because of the image of the burned out loft, or the fact that Michael had moved on.
She should be happy that he was with someone, but she wasn't. They had far too much history between them and far too many memories to erase. She had fallen in love with him at one of the lowest times in her life and stayed in love with him even though he'd left her behind. She knew she should have stayed away when she'd got the call that he was hurt and in Miami, but there were some feelings that just couldn't be switched off.
Turning her head, she looked at the man asleep on the other side of the bed, noting that she was already putting distance between them. The gap between their bodies on the bed had become wider since Michael had returned and she knew that Carlos was already worried… and maybe he had reason to be.
Being angry at Michael was far easier than loving him right now. If she allowed her guard to drop, she knew that she would fall into the same pattern as before. She would be by his side whenever he called. She would drop everything to help him and love him completely… but he'd hurt her far too many times. He'd left her more times that she could count and driven a stake through her heart time and time again. She couldn't live that way again…she couldn't…
But even though she was trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing by staying angry, her heart was already rebelling against her. She loved him and denying it to herself was only hurting her more… but now she had to try and learn how to stop.
Reaching for her phone, she started to type a message, intending to send it and have things out with him once and for all. But in the end, she just couldn't. It was all too raw and maybe it was time for both of them to just forget about the past. She just wished she knew how to do it.
Erasing the message, she placed her phone back onto the table and laid back against the pillows to stare up at the ceiling once more. Maybe in a few days she would have the courage to send him that message and talk things through… Maybe she could quench the anger and disappointment that always rampaged throughout her body whenever she was near him. She wanted to stop, she really did, but the hurtful words came spilling out of her mouth before she could stop them. She knew this was her defence mechanism, the shield that guarded her heart. If she drove him away then he couldn't hurt her again… he couldn't leave her behind like he had so many other times before. He wouldn't be able to leave her bed in the middle of the night, or break her heart into another million pieces. He couldn't hurt her with empty promises that led to more heartache…
But, as she laid there in the dark… her body aching for the man who had stolen her heart in Ireland… she just wished that she could erase the sadness that shrouded her, but she knew while things were left unsaid, she would never be able to move on.
Turning onto her side again she reached for her phone once more, her finger hovering over Michael's name. As she focused on the words highlighted on the bright screen she swallowed the lump inside her throat and hit the send button before she could change her mind. It was time to change her life one way or another…