A/N: First OITNB story. It's been a few months I don't write fanfics… But I think I can have good ideas to continue this, if you like it and give me feedback! Good reading. Xoxo Mel
As everything happens so slowly inside of prison, time is endless and it certainly doesn't go on when you're alone, some things can happen way too fast too just like in normal life. Only normally when that happens, in prison that probably means you're fucked, unless you're getting out. You don't see it happening. Suddenly, you have trouble with another prisoner. You just act because you've been defied; driven to do something bad, because of any feelings whatsoever that made you move forward. Suddenly, you're the bully. You're the attacker. You're on control. You didn't mean it, but it happens anyway.
And why the hell would I want to stop after seeing that Mrs. Healy wouldn't do anything for her not to hurt me? I told him Doggett wanted me dead and he turned away, almost smirking, like they had it all planned. So no matter how much more time I'd spend clenching my fists, pressing my nails deeps in my palms while she was throwing all those nonsense words at me, there was no turning back. I tried my hardest to blackout everything she was saying, until everything bad that had been happening in my life lately grew with her words, and like she asked for it, I was onto Tiffany's neck before I could stop myself.
I grabbed and spanked her and god, what else have I done, because I believed in her words. It became true.
"I mean look at my dress. Have you seen it? How is that for poetry? Cause God loves me! He don't love you. Cause you ain't worthy of God's love. You ain't worthy of nobody's love!"
I spent my whole life after I broke up with Alex trying to convince myself I was a good person and always could be better, trying to teach myself the so called manners the regular blonde with a nice family and best friend should have. I got a nice boyfriend and I learned so much. I thought I had compassion towards people above anything. I convinced myself all these years after that I left Alex because I needed to take care of myself, because she wasn't a good person to others and not just me, all of that. It changed when we met here again.
But the truth is, there is just so much more inside of me than good manners. Nobody should know that. I hate that side of me. There are many reasons I couldn't stay with Alex when I was younger, and I don't like to talk about it. And Doggett, with all that fucking talk about God that would never stop – it hurt so much in the head when I stopped to process every single thing she'd say to me, every single abusive word, why could she never stop talking about someone – someone? – that doesn't even exist? –, she ended up being the person in prison who corrected me the most, pointing out all that I was doing wrong, observing me all the time, exposing me to others, threatening my mental health. Doggett became like a flying bug inside my brain even before she was sent to Psych. It did feel wrong to have her close. Then again, my good manners got her out, because even though it was forced, that was the kind of thing Piper Chapman would do. I had compassion towards people above anything. I had to have.
This sick part of me should never have gone out.
"So I think it's time that you die."
No! No! No!
I woke up covered by sweat, rocking my body against the mattress I lay on. Tears rolled down my face with the cold sweat and I felt entirely sick. It took me a while to regain consciousness to realize both my feet and hands were tied hard to the bed. I opened my eyes instantly and tried to look up, all the bright light reaching my eyes making it much harder. When I was able to focus, I saw that my wrists were full of bloody scratches, and my stomach growled.
Where the fuck am I?
I tried to move again, focusing on those scratches, and down my skin I found needle signs. I frowned. Fuck. All that horror that I felt when I went to solitary welled up inside me again. Did they lock me up for good?
"Wake up, little bird." Alex whispered in the blonde's ear, already wanting her close again. She hugged Piper's waist from behind, making contact, and waited for a response. "Piper?"
"Hnnnnnnng." Piper answered, still groggy from sleep, turning her face around. "You're beautiful in the morning."
"What? Shut up." Alex laughed. "You didn't even open your eyes yet."
"I may be a little druuunk still," she replied, giggling, "but I realize you're not wearing panties."
Piper looked around for her new lover's thigh and plunged her lips to Alex's. They kissed passionately until Alex pulled the blonde entirely for herself and Piper pressed her hand into Alex's sex slowly.
"Oh, God" Alex bit Piper's lower lip lovingly. "You know, you can touch me anytime you want." she detached some locks of blonde hair behind Piper's ear, and kissed her again. "I'm your first, aren't I?"
Piper hesitated, but seeing the other smile, she turned her attention to Alex's clitoris, circling it endlessly. She nodded as she moved on top of Alex, entering her with another finger. Alex was ready to protest, not being a submissive one, but she chose to throw her head back instead and moaned, allowing Piper to move up and suck on her neck. They moved faster.
"You're beautiful in the morning."
I needed to be saved now, not back then like I'd always say. When I was young… Alex… I just wanted things. Why won't she listen to me anymore? Why did Larry leave me? How would I not believe Doggett's words if she truly said I was not worthy of anyone's love, right in the week my life suddenly fell to pieces? Why couldn't I have been braver and picked the right person, as for she wouldn't have left, because she had been there all along?
Oh, Piper. You're full of shit. You piece of shit. You deserve to be locked up. You murdered someone, didn't you? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?! Why can't you just for once face the truth within yourself and deal with it and not lie to people? Hurt… This isn't about Alex!
It felt crazy, retorting myself like that quietly. Usually I did that walking around the room and jumping out of anxiousness. I couldn't even move now, my lips felt dry and I would never dare to say those things out loud. Not now. Not like this, not alone. I closed my eyes hard and cried, instead.
"I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed?"
My name is Piper Chapman. I always thought I had my emotions over control, but even as I try, I can't forget the dark, I… can't fix the crazy I always was.